How do you deal...

...with a death in the family?

I don't know what to do, my grandpa passed away hours ago...

I want to scream, I want to hit things, I want to hit people.
I want to cut myself again or just drive into the night and get lost somewhere...

I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, which makes things even worse...I feel like I am bringing unnecessary angst to the forums, so I am sorry but I'm not sure what else I can do because I want to talk to -someone-

I don't know...any advice would be nice...

My real dad died when I was 1, and all my grandprents (but one) and there familys and so on, are all gone. I have seen a lot of death and I have a real detached feeling toward death, I feeling nothing toward the dead, well no more than I did when they were alive. I have never cried for them or get angry.

But I do know it is a normal feeling to not know what to do, you can't know what to do if you don't truely get death and you can't really get it till you are dead. Everyone has to deal with things their own way.


This has been no help, but now you all know I am a shell of a person.

Fair enough.
The biggest problem is that my family is very close, so when something like this happens it's as though a hand reached into my chest and ripped something out...problem indeed...

I know what you mean, I am close with my mom and my brother (thats it), if they died it would devastate me, but if your family is really that close than maybe what you need to do is hang with them for awhile. Talk to them about what you feel, they probably feel the same and would like to talk to someone as well. If you can't talk about it with someone you trust than it can become something that breaks you. You and only you can save yourself as they say.

I try to think that the person who died would not want you to agonize over their death. However, I find that it takes time for your feelings to smooth themselves out.

Indeed, when I imagine people actually crying or be all heartbroken over my death I would start to feel really bad. They should celebrate my life instead of mourning my death. Of course, that is assuming there will even be someone who cares.

Well, nightclock there isn't any rational advice I can give you but when I'm in similar situations I lay down my bed, cry myself to sleep and somehow afterwards the world seems that bit better again.



Alternatively, you could go on to formulate your feelings if that makes it better, we'll listen.

I know how you feel. I lost my grandfather earlier this year, lost my (step)grandmother 2 years ago and my grandmother in 2000.

All I can say...is just cry your heart out. Do whatever you have to, talk about him with your family. Even if it hurt, you just have to let it out. Punch the wall, throw shit, just do whatever you have to. There is no real way to deal with it, but from personal experience...Crying and sharing is the only way to deal with it.

Only time can heal your wounds. Don't keep them locked up. Cry when you need to.

I deal with death the way Moses does. I'm a rather cold individual. However, all I can say is don't try to bottle up your feelings. I would suggest taking Rai's advice, and try to remember your loved ones wouldn't want to agonize over their death.

Bad question to ask me, I hate my family. With a passion.

There is no easy way to face death of a close one, I for one have seen many close ones in my life past away, even friends died in front of me, it's not a good look. I hope you are fine through the stages of grief.

Indeed. When I die, my cat will be angry. I think that would be all though.

I had a relative die last year, and I made it a long time without crying. My emotions are pretty easy to set in motion, but I figured that she'd just tell me to buck up and stop looking like a sissy, oh and to get her another cigarette. I did cry, but after the event I sobered up pretty quickly. Of course, people react in different ways to different things. I say, move on when you feel like it, but don't let it consume you for more than, like, a month.

I don't really know. I have different feeling for different family members. The only one that I've been close to that died was my brother and that was a little more than a year ago. I wasn't really upset, I was more pissed off at him. Its not so much that he died that pissed me off, it was because even though he lived a pretty despicable life, in death, it gained meaning and thats something that, for as long as I live, my life will never have. I don't think death is something that should be mourned. Like I said in some other thread, I want my death to be celebrated with a big fucking party. Death is just another part of a cycle and from what I've experienced in life, I'm sure as hell that being dead is a lot better than being alive.

Getting back to my brother, he died of cancer. I sleep in the living room and since my mom wanted him to be at home, she rented a special bed, kind of like the ones in the hospital, and put it in the living room. So, when he died, I was in the same room for the whole thing. I don't know if anyone's seen someone directly dying of cancer, but its fucking disturbing. For weeks, maybe even months they're laying there totally out of it, in severe pain. Then before they die, they're writhing in pain, sputtering nonsense for hours, and then they die. So yeah, I think the most emotion I had was in the last maybe 5 hours when he was in the process of dying.

Giving an advice is pretty difficult, since their actually isn't anything you could suggest ..

My girfriends mom died a few weeks ago and it's still hard for everything reminds her of her mom :( Back then I tried to find words and I remembered a sentence I've heard once:

Poeple aren't dead as long as someone thinks of them and remembers them.

Both of my grandfathers are dead, but one of them deserved it because he abused my dad the other I didn't even meet. Do you include animals as I was more sad over the loss of a dog than my grandfather. At least he died painfully.

Yep bad question to ask me i just say when people die oh well it sucks but it was gunna happen some time and no way to change it and continue on.

When my grandmother died a few years ago I didn't talk about it to anyone. It's afterwards that you will regret this. Looking back know I'm amazed at how much a big an impact it had on me. So talk to relieve the sorrow, it helps.

2 months ago an uncle of mine died unexpectedly. The day/night before we were at a family party where he was dancing and laughing when a couple of hours later he had an infarct in his sleep.
But I'm grateful to have known him, be grateful for the times he spent with you and time will heal wounds, get comfort out of the little things that are o so important.

half-serious,half-joking : sex,alcohol and rock & roll.

serious:not my kind of q...i haven't been in a situation where a relative is so close to me that i'm so devastated when that relative is passed away,so maybe i couldn't give you any worthy advice...but i always reminisce about the bad things the relative did to me (and do the three things above) to help me move on real quick.

There is no random pattern to deal with it. It sounds weird, but I was relieved when my father died. I guess it depends on how close you were to the member of your family. However one tip from my side: Tell everyone right away that you don't want condolences. It is the most faked feeling ever from 90% of the ones giving them to you.

If you asked me this on WoW, I'd say take it to the BGs and just unleash the fury.

But on a serious note. I, like Moses, have lost a bunch of my family when I was young. It's kinda devastating when you're really small and everyone you know around you passes away. Also, I noticed, I think both my paternal and maternal grandparents suffered some sort of dementia in their old age, hopefully, I get it when I'm still young. ;)

My mom told me that death is just one of those things we all go through and we shouldn't cry about it, just be happy they lived and we got to know them when they were alive. I'm sure your grandfather wouldn't be too happy knowing he hurt you or anyone around him with his death, it was just his time.

My point is do what you want to express your loss, but anything damaging to yourself would probably be the last thing the deceased wanted and it would be a mockery of their life if you just wasted yours, so go out and live life, be all you can be, etc. And when you're done on this emotional journey you can come back and make a lot of good topics/posts about it, or a book even! =P

Thanx everyone, this actually helped a lot.

I've only actually told one person about it because i dont like listening to the bs "how sad for you" most people give. I ended up just driving for hours, blairing music. I ended up calling almost everyone in my cellphone, trying to find someone to talk to, but apparenty I dont have friends, lol.

At any rate, I think I've opted to hold it in for now because I don't cry and I don't randomly beat people up or cut anymore...we'll see what happens.

@mage sry, no book XD