Ark's Cradle (Fantasy/Sci-fi) Vol. 1

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Hello members of the Fakku community! This is a story I started writing half a year ago but I only recently started writing down my thoughts. It has many elements of the famous anime Sword Art Online and the .Hack Franchise. I want to make it into a novel hopefully one day but I need people's criticisms and opinions about my story and so here I am with the first chapter of my story Ark's Cradle Vol.1 - Selection. Post comments below/ what can you suggest to improve my work. Feel free to mention about my writing but I know it's pretty lackluster most of these chapters I am currently pumping out are only rough drafts.

Spoiler:
Chapter 1 – Ark's Cradle

April 29th 2059
It was a long time ago, a time so far it felt like a distant memory but so hard to forget. Not many will probably remember if you utter the name but one might find a few that might if you say the name Ark's Cradle. I can only imagine not many would remember after all they have their own lives to live but not me... I can't forget because I was apart of it all. I remember the pain of swords clashing against each other, tearing into the flesh of people as they gasped in agony. The fear of not knowing whether I would live to see tomorrow or if I would lose any more people dear to me. What started out as a game ended up being something much more, kill or be killed, life or death there was no exceptions. But we fought and we killed.... and what did we gain at the end of it all? Still trying to find my own answers I sit contemplating it all. But if you have the time would you listen to my story...? My name is Nagao Tsuneo this is the story of the people that lived in that world, the world known as Ark's Cradle...
April 29th 2056
A day just like any other, I would be lying if I said that. Golden week had just started and the last class of the day just ended. “Stand! Bow!” the class representative yelled to dismiss class and we followed protocal like clockwork. The teacher walked out and everyone loosened up and began talking amongst each other trying to figure out their plans for this week off. Normally I would be among my classmates conversing but today was the day it came out. What you ask? It was none other than the Rift the next line of computers which would soon revolutionize technology. Made by the company Vtech it was much different from normal computers, it was a portable machine that could be taken on the go, taking the form of headwear which ranged anywhere to a pair of glasses to helmet shaped objects. The prices ranged depending how sleek the design was but this particular piece of technology was very expensive. It could range anywhere from 200,000 Yen for the helmet version or to 350,000 yen for the ones that looked like glasses. Once you put on the machine, one is able to access the internet in real time where everything is then put in through voice command or touch screen. If you want a keyboard they even have a mode for that as well which would appear virtually. And you would never be not in range of a service area due to the towers they now constructed. Seven years ago the government funded a project to build service towers throughout the city so no matter where you went in this city one wouldn't be without internet. Better put you couldn't be in a first world country without seeing these towers hovering over the city. These towers were built for better reception for the Rifts and in the worst case of a blackout the towers would still have conectivity. The scenery in this concrete jungle looked much more eerie now than in the past as the towers loomed tall over all of us staring us down. It was slightly inconvenient because you couldn't see the sun as well anymore but it was indeed true that life has gotten a lot easier since then, I literally had the internet wherever and wouldn't have to worry about having wifi connection and download speeds were non existant in this day and age except for larger files bigger than 150gb. But that was very unlikely you would ever encounter a file that big in this day and age.
The towers also served a secondary function as it allowed users of the Rift to enter another mode that this technology could incorporate which was unique to this piece of machinery and that was the Virtual dive. Virtual diving was a recent invention made to realize the whole virtual reality experience for users of the Rift. Instead of looking through the internet through one's own eyes one could now experience the internet in real time. What diving did you see was bring your own body into the virtual world, one could experience all five senses in this space just like the real world. The technology in the Rift would create a bridge to the communication towers throughout the city and one's conciousness would be transported through these signals to arrive at the otherside into a cyberbody which would replace what would be your real body in that space. I remember last year experiencing a virtual dive in where it took me to the beach, craving a place with sunlight it was nice to feel it directly on my skin. Everything was just right the temperature of the water the grains of the sand and last but not least the warmth of the sun, it felt just like a summer day as the rays radiated on my skin.
Virtual diving was fun but the biggest reason why everyone wanted the Rift was because of the streamline of games that followed along with it's release. The one that everyone has had their eye on the past few years was the highly acclaimed Ark's Cradle. The very first of it's kind VMMORPG in which one could experience playing an online role playing game in real time. A land of swords and magic one could fulfill any fantasy they could wish for in this world. And now we get to the point of where exactly I am heading and that was to my home in which my package of the Rift and copy of Ark's Cradle was waiting for me to open. For this golden week I would dedicate some time away from my studies to meet up with an old friend to play this game which we were both excited about. It's been quite awhile since we last talked and this would be the first time since two years we would be able to talk to each other, it was exciting just thinking of all the stories we would be able to exchange during the time we were apart. I hasten my steps through the crowded city streets and a smile soon spreads across my face as I could no longer wait to get home.
I was almost there but I just had to get past the electronics district which would soon lead me straight home after a few more hills. Passing by I hear a couple of gossiping housewives who were actually talking about the Rift, I remember it still funny enough. The two were talking in front of a tv that was on the news which featured the Rift “I remember when just having a computer sit on the table was good enough to get ya by but now this?!” as one sighed in resignation. “The times do go on by fast don't they....?” the other pauses in calm remembrance of the past. “It all just seems so confusing now... it's just not the same anymore...” the other utters trying to find words for the feelings she was describing. The other just nods in agreement trying to find words. Poor ladies despite being someone who accepted the Rift in our society I did feel a bit of empathy for them.
Despite the raving reviews of the Rift there are also plenty of arguments against the Rift as well, you can't find a news station that wouldn't discuss the topic in one way or another right now. Many of the people who like the Rift tend to be children who want to play the newest games or college students looking for a new hook. But the ones who tend to be against it are the adults mainly the house moms or dads not in the technology field because they don't understand how it works. Despite that though there are some cases of the Rift that would spook me out till this day. Like cases of people using the machine but never coming back or some coming back with brain damage to the point they become a vegetable. Or even the way some people look when they are in the dive mode of the Rift. Granted it's all just rumours but rumours are based on something, I can only imagine the horror on a mother's face as a child who's unaware of all the dangers use this kind of machine. These questions are constantly addressed in the reports of the Rift all the way to today on it's release but countless times the company has stated that it was all safe and meant for practical everyday use. It truly was just the sign of the times changing and nobody could stop it from moving onwards. I for one was glad though because I could meet my friend again. I offered my peace to the two housewives discussing fervently of the topic and climbed the hills past the electronics district.
The closer I reached home the more a smile was put on my face and the faster I wanted to get back home. My brisk walk soon turned into a sprint and my house soon came into view, I walked to the top floor where my room was located and found a large box sitting in front of my door. I had asked my next door neighbor to sign for it when it came and I'm glad she did. I had to thank her later but for now I wanted to get into the game as soon as possible. Entering my apartment I quickly went past my kitchen and walked straight into my room ready to open up my package.
My apartment was pretty spacious for one person there was a kitchen when you enter and a living space with a wall of glass at the very end overlooking the entire city. To my left was my room and then to my right was the bathroom. You could sort of say my father was a rich man and since we hardly ever met he arranged this place for me to stay at for my high school years but that's enough about my apartment. With only the game in mind I made a beeline straight to my room and opened the package up, inside was a giant helmet. It was less fancy then the portable version but it was already hard enough to convince my father to let me get this in the first place. I smile a bittersweet victory as I said to myself “Whatever it takes right?” and checked the helmet out. There were a couple of panels on it one looked like it was meant to connect to an outlet to charge, inside the package was a long cord so I set it up to connect to the helmet. There were two buttons one red and one green on the side which I assumed was to turn it on and off. Lastly there was another compartment on the other side that had a lid, inside was an imprint of where I think multiple platforms of technology went. There were multiple ports to put in outside data or to hook up a connection to other pieces of technology like the old school desktops incase you wanted to transfer old data or the last generation of consoles for your video games. The one cool thing about the Rift was that it also supported any platform of gaming, the Rift was funded by various technological businesses across the world so along with it came a lot of perks.
I touched the surface of the helmet just imagining the capabilities it possessed. I pressed the green buttom on the side to turn it on and then put it on my head. A computerized voice started talking as it stated “Reading brainwaves... one moment please.”. This must have been part of the start up process as then a blue screen popped up in front of me. It required me to enter some personal information and then I made my account just like when you buy any regular old computer. But from what the messages explain it made setting up the account easier because instead of a password it would just read my brainwaves as a password. To add further security you could add a passcode to input but I was going to save that for later.
“Computer initiate dive.” I stated out loud. The voice responded in a timely manner as it said back. “Please make sure you are in a comfortable position laying down before commencing a dive. As you currently are we cannot perform a dive.”. It was surprising how it could tell if I was standing, it might have read my brain waves but I was very curious how it knew as I stood in the middle of the room with a dumbfounded expression. Regardless I did what it asked me to do and laid myself on my bed. “When you are ready please say the command once more.” it talked once again to me. “System initiate Dive!” in front of my eyes a window popped up with a message as it said “Welcome to the new world.” and then everything turned to white as I soon lost my vision.
Before I knew the next thing I was in an area that looked unlike the real world but a brand new cyber world. I was floating in this space as my feet soon found themselves landing on the ground. This must have been the server that was specifically assigned to me I thought to myself. When the preorder for the Rift was available they also had you fill out a form to also purchase a server from the government. One could not initiate a dive without access to a private server and there was a limited quantity, not to say they were exclusive but for a fact not every owner of the Rift could initiate a dive. I was amazed by the technology but I wanted my video game more and so I said “Computer download 'Ark's Cradle'.” and it began to do it's task. “This game requires a passcode to download. Do you have one?” it asked. “Computer check email.” I stated. A window appeared in front of me with a keyboard asking to type my information in. I took all the necessary steps to download the game and soon an icon appeared in front of me. It seems like every time an action was done in this private space it would show by materializing around me. For instance as a result of my downloading Ark's Cradle this icon appeared in front of me. All I had to do now was either tell the computer I wanted to start the program or simply walk through the icon which would initiate the program. But to make the entrance more dramatic I wanted the system to send me to the fantasy instead. “Computer initiate Ark's Cradle!” I commanded the system to start the file as it replied with “Welcome to the new world.”. It was a pretty cool catch phrase as I played along with it as I was washed in white light and my sight was taken away from me. I felt a surging rush of wind and soon the virtual space in front of me became more like fantasy.
Hearing the faint sounds of background music the lights soon faded away and such I was transported into a land of fantasy. From my first moments into this world my breath was taken away by the sight in front of me, at the center of the city I saw the crowds of busy players in their weapons and armor walking around. Life was overflowing as the daily lives of these players was being displayed in front of me. Players talking to one another, forming parties, looking at the wares of the npc's, and a huge crowd looking at the quest board for the next big mission. But from all the chaos another majestic sight took my vision which was the structure that towered over us all. Lined in murals of angels and demons in battle with one another a giant tower stood at the very end of the town that reached all the way up to the very heavens themselves, there was no way to tell where it ended.
“Enjoying the sights or you gonna keep me waiting forever?” a familiar voice spoke to me as my eyes were covered by a pair of hands. “Guess who?” the voice said playfully. “Come on Takuto that's not funny!” I said pulling away from him. Getting far enough away I was able to confirm that it indeed was my close friend I wanted to meet. Most popular guy at our school or former most popular guy of East Sendai High was my friend Hiroyuki Takuto, he had graduated last year. “On the first try to!” he said energetically with the same smirk of a smile that he always had. A friend to the helpless and merciless to all the bad guys in the world my friend Takuto always put up the good fight. “Only you would get a kick out of this dude.” I said to scold him of his usual hyperactivity. “Sorry sorry it's just been so long I had to do something!” he said with a mischevious smile with his hand parallel to his face bowing in apology. I was a little annoyed but quickly got over it as I smiled and said “It's been awhile buddy.” as he returned my greeting with the same old goofball smile of his. “Come on let me show you the basics of the game your gonna have a blast I guarantee.” Takuto said as he grabbed me by the arm and started pulling me out of town. I hardly had any time to react as I was being dragged off against my will.
The sensations on this world was almost identical to the real world, it was hard to tell them apart. I could even feel the heat of my friends hand as he grabbed me even the temperature changed as time passed. There was an icon on my top right of my peripherals that told me the weather temperature and time of day, it seemed the game followed our regular seven day week but the month was Auralius which was probably meant for April in our world.
“Hey did you stop talking to yourself yet?” my friend asked me a strange question out of the blue as my mind focused back at the present. “I wasn't doing anything!” I yelled back. He could always tell when I wasn't focused, I would pay to learn how he knew. “You have a bad habit of zoning out when your thinking hard about something.” he explained to me. Did I? I thought to myself as I continued walking. Before I knew it, it seemed like we had arrived at the area he was supposed to take me. My screen said , as I looked around the area all I saw was long endless green as the grass blew from the wind. “Welcome to the spot where all beginners learn how to fight, your good friend will Takuto will show you how it's done!” he said as he raised his hand to put his thumb up for reassurance with his usual grin. He then pointed behind me as I turned around, there was a creature in front of me that looked like a reminiscant of past old school rpg's. “A I'm sure you can handle yourself just fine, just pull out the sword that's hanging to your side and approach it. It will signal the monster that you want to fight.” Takuto explained as he pointed at my waist. I didn't actually bother to look at myself until now but my clothes were completely different, it looked like what all the ordinary citizens in the city we were at looked like. Long sleeves loose enough to be comfortable and leather pants with boots to walk around, the perfect gear for travelers. I did as Takuto explained and grabbed on to my sword and pulled it out from the sheath, approaching the the game auto locked onto it for me and displayed what seemed to be it's health and mana supply and it's monster name. I took a stab at it and it took damage, I smiled as I turned around and said “I did it!”. “Look out! Ahh....” Takuto said as he pointed out his finger but it slowly fell. I questioned what was going on but I didn't have much time to think as a force hit me directly behind the back as it sent me flying a bit. I hit the ground hard and the dust kicked a little in the plains, I thought I would feel some pain but it felt more like feeling the shock of an old video game controller on vibrate “Uggghh... what happened?” as I got back up and saw that the creature was still alive and kicking slowly approaching me leaving a slimy trail behind it. “Get your head in the game Tsuneo it's gonna attack again!” Takuto yelled back putting both hands to his mouth like a loudspeaker. I started to panick as the slime jumped in the air and started to stretch out towards me, with a yell I closed my eyes and swung my sword out towards the slime as I felt the impact of my blade connecting into it. I opened my eyes and saw the slime was not moving, it was trying to get up but it fell back down. “Perfect! The creature is stunned finish him off with the last hit!” Takuto yelled. With all my strength I charged forward and slashed one more time as the last bit of the slime's health was reduced to nothing. It dropped to the ground as it formed a pool of blue liquid then it slowly disappeared as sparkling blue orbs of light into the sky. The battle system was fairly simple, the movements were so realistic it basically just reflected the real world. I wasn't restricted by how many times I could attack, the rules of fighting in this world was deeply rooted in reality or from what I could grasp that's what I felt.
I turned around as my friend clapped with the same grin he always wears on his face. I smiled back and gave him the thumbs up as I said “How was I?”. I wasn't the kind to play to many video games and this was my first time in a actual fight in this kind of simulation. “Still got a long ways to go like not getting attacked from behind.” as he walked up to me and hit me in the back. But then he put his hand on my shoulder and said “But not bad kid I knew you could do it, put it there!” as we did our trademark arm cross, we crossed our forearms together into an X shape. We broke it up and laughed a bit as I said “Look like the duo has risen from the dead!, just like old times right?”. “Hey don't go writing me off just yet I still got plenty left in me!” he said as he sat down with his eyes closed on the grass and felt the gentle rays of the sun and the winds of the plain blow past us softly. His face dropped a little as it looked like he was contemplating about something. “Hey what are you thinking about?” I asked as I sat down alongside him. “Oh nothing... just thinking about our high school years have gone by and how things have changed since then.” as he looked longingly into the horizon. “Like what? You still seem like the same old Takuto to me, always have and always will.” I said reassuringly. The wind blew heavy once more as he whispered a sentence out but I couldn't make out what he had said through the heavy gust. “Hey Taku-” I tried to ask him what he had meant but he suddenly sprang up as he stretches his hand with the same bright smile. “Tsuneo old pal your gonna love this next trick I show you! Follow me back to town!” as I took his hand forgetting what I was about to ask. The two of us ran back as fast as we could to the town of beginnings .
The sun was setting by the time we reached and we had just crossed the bridge leading back into the town as the sun was dipping down into the red dusk horizon. When we arrived we heard a huge commotion that seemed like it was coming from the middle of town. The two of us looked at each other thinking the same things the other was thinking and nodded as we cautiously approached the town's center. We could hear the echoes of disatisfaction in the air like a riot was already occuring in the middle of town the closer we got the more we could hear the sounds of panic and fear echo in our ears. “What do you mean we can't logout?!” a gruff man said pushing what seemed to be a server administrator to the floor. “Ugghh... We are trying our best to figure out what has happened but we need your cooperation and stay clam.” the flustered officer said recovering from the shock of the fall. Can't logout? I thought to myself, I used the two points of my finger to wave from right to left as the menu pulled up. Pressing options I saw the logout button still there and I clicked on it using my finger. A message popped up which normally wouldn't be there. “If you choose to logout please be fully aware that you will not return back to the port in which you originated your dive. By choosing to press accept you hearby forfeit your life.” The message said to me. It was very strange, almost surreal but it was causing the problem here now in town. “How do we know if this is true?” Takuto said walking up towards the man who was being a little rough earlier. “Are you stupid?! Try to access online from the game, We all wouldn't be panicking if we could.” the gruff man said as he grabbed the shirt on Takuto with tears in his eyes. Takuto smiled as he looked a bit uncomfortable with the current situation of a guy tugging on his shirt with tears. I did as he said and lo and behold he was correct, in virtual dive mode we still had access to the internet all we had to do was put one of our hands near our head and say a voice command. “Access the web.” I said as I put my right hand to my head but the only response I got was a message board saying Unable to Access at this time. What seemed surreal started to make me feel a little uncomfortable as everyone's panic started to enter me a bit as well. “There has to be some kind of mistake! Computer Access the web!” I repeated this over and over again but the same result occurred. “See what I mean?! Now do you understand!” the gruff man said as he started talking to the crowd. “If we don't leave soon we're all going to die!” as he waved his hands to express the urgency of the situation. His own anxiety began to spread through everyone as the crowd began to stir in their own insecurities.
“IT'S NOT REAL!” a voice yelled out, we turned our heads to see who said that. The player had all eyes on them as he opened his menu and clicked the logout button and the message appeared once more. He laughed to himself a little as he said “It's just a trick you see?! Haha funny, it's got to be like some kind of prank right?!” as he hit the accept. “No! Don't!” Takuto yelled out but it was already to late as we all stood in awe of what just occurred. Lights of blue began to come off of the man as it looked like he was logging out but it was unnatural how long it was taking. The angelic like orbs of blue began to turn into a demonic red as the man caved in pain as he put his hand to his head. “AHHH!!!” an agonizing scream was heard throughout the entire town as the man began to curl up like a baby but it was to late. Eerie demonic light was slowly making his body disintegrate into the sky and there was no taking it back. “My.... mind.... it feels like... it's going... to break...” he shook and what seemed like sweat dripped down his face. His body knew what was going to happen but his mind was not resolved to accept the consequence of his action. “Somebody.... please... save me!!” he cried but with his plea that disappeared like the wind he was soon no more. The last of him disappeared into the red sky. There was absolute silence as we tried to come to terms of what had just occurred. What came next was unnatural as all our own bodies began to glow in blue and I felt reality shift as our conciousness was being ripped from our bodies. Everybody was wondering what was going on as they clinged to each other for support. I looked around and to me it looked like the entire server was disintegrating before our eyes ourselves included. The pain was so intense I blacked out eventually and my vision shut off just like a remote controller to a television screen.
Eventually we awoke from our slumber our head was pounding from blacking out, everything seemed the same to me but something seemd off I just couldn't put my finger on it. But there was no time to wonder as my thoughts were interrupted “Welcome To The New World!” a loud voice echoed in the sky. Everyone began to look around but there was no sign of where that voice was coming from. “Ah it seems you want to look at something so please focus your attention to the at the center of town.” we did as the voice told and in the glassy reflection of the crystal a man's face appeared. “Now that I have your attention I will say once more. Welcome to the new world!” as he raised his arms up in a grand gesture. “I am Azuma Daichi the head researcher and the discoverer of Rift technology and you are all players who will play my game.”. “There is only one way to clear this game and that is to reach the place that is closest to god! But you will find that this game is no longer the same, I will now state what has changed.”. “First you will find that many things have changed compared to the original game. When you die in this game it means your life ends in this game, also if you forcefully log yourself out you will also die an a way most unimaginably painful as you have seen. Secondly you will find that you are able to use the five senses to the utmost possibility in this world, anything that can occur in cyberspace will equally occur here. And last but not least player killing is unrestricted in all areas of the world.”. He then paused after he explained the new rules to us and then laughed a sadistic laugh, it was brief but it ominously echoed throughout the entire town. “I look forward to seeing your actions from now on adventurers....” the image on the crystal faded and then a loud shriek was heard.
“Someone please help!” a women yelled out. Looking at her finger there was a man stabbed by the sword of another man who was breathing heavily and eyes wide open. “He was going to kill me! I swear!” as he pulled out and took a few steps back. The man's blood dripped to the ground as it formed a pool but his life was already at zero, “uggh...” he coughed up blood as he tried to speak but the pain must have been so painful that he could no longer form coherent words. Red sparkles took his body away along with all the blood that had been spilt, his death was quick and simple unlike the man that had forcibly logged himself off. In that moment Takuto grabbed my shoulder and whispered “Run...”. It took me a moment to register but soon the scenery in front of me broke into a war zone. A scene of mass hysteria broke out, as people started to attack each other unable to trust each other. “Tsuneo you have to run now! I'll cover your back!” Takuto screamed at me and my body listened as I began to sprint towards the exit. Trying to avoid everyone around me I only thought about heading out of town, I knew he had my back and I wasn't planning on even looking back. I was almost at the exit but all of a sudden people came out of the alleyways of the houses in droves. Where did these guys come from?! Was the first thing that popped in my mind. I grabbed my sword but a shadow leapt over my head as it spun in front of me and in one swing cleared a path in front of me. It was Takuto and he had focused the men's attention to him. I screamed his name “Takuto!” but all he gave me was his usual grin as he said “You go on ahead Tsuneo I'll catch up.”. I wanted to voice protest but the look on his face said enough, this was no longer play time and I wasn't any good at these games. I would only hold Takuto back if I stayed. I let go of my anger and just shook my head as I yelled back looking at his face “You better not die!” as I ran once again with all my might. He smiled once more as he said some words to himself and I think I knew what he wanted to say. “As if I would, you bonehead.”. He turned around to take on the men that were trying to attack me.
I eventually escaped without meeting a single person after that but the time had long passed since I left the town's vicinity. The sky was blood crimson as the dusk eventually set into night, the dusk sky bathed the moon in it's blood as it shone an ominous red that night. Countless people died in that town that night and it was hard to count how many, but this was only the beginning of the story....


If you enjoyed Chapter 1 I have an account on www.Wattpad.com which I will be updating weekly. Show your support by reading it there! :) I am also looking for people who would be interested in creating original character designs/ a book cover for this story.

http://www.wattpad.com/story/42965866-ark%27s-cradle
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I haven't read it yet, but I will get to it in the very near future. I just want to say for now that your text is all smashed together, and that makes it very annoying to read.

Edit: I read up through the paragraph where the narrator passes by the old ladies on the street.

Not many will probably remember . . . I can only imagine not many would remember


If you're repeating information like this so close together, then there's a better way to write it.

A day just like any other . . . But that was very unlikely you would ever encounter a file that big in this day and age.


This giant block of text could easily be broken down into two if not three separate paragraphs. While keeping things together can make it less choppy, don't forget about pacing. People love white space and hate walls of words.

Seven years ago the government funded a project to build service towers throughout the city so no matter where you went in this city one wouldn't be without internet.


This story is being framed as someone telling it to an audience, right? If that's the case, consider who that audience is. If it's another person living in the same city for instance, I find it hard to believe that they would not know about these towers and need an explanation about them.

I'm not saying you shouldn't exclude this information, but try to come up with a more natural excuse for it to be presented to the reader.

The towers also served a secondary function as it allowed users of the Rift to enter another mode that this technology could incorporate which was unique to this piece of machinery and that was the Virtual dive.


You're dumping an awful lot of info on us for the first chapter. It's an interesting aspect of the world, but you don't want to overwhelm readers. You might want to hold off on some of this. Ask yourself if you really need to know it to have a good grasp of the story. Is it pertinent to what will happen soon?

The very first of it's kind VMMORPG in which one could experience playing an online role playing game in real time.


You keep saying 'in real time.' I'd be careful with that. It's a common phrase today that most people already have a meaning associated with, and I don't think the way you're using it in the story so far fits with what people think it means.

I hasten my steps through the crowded city streets and a smile soon spreads across my face as I could no longer wait to get home.


Make sure everything is in the same tense. Switching back and forth between past and present can be off-putting.

Honestly, I stopped reading where I did because I was bored, mainly for the reasons I give above. You have a cool idea for a story, even if it's very similar to SAO. I'd like to see it done in a way that's actually good. One thing you did that I liked was in the very first paragraph, we're already starting to get a sense of who the main character is, which is really important. If readers can't form a connection with the characters a story is about, then why would they bother reading it?

I will also say that despite all the things I pointed out, I don't think you're writing is bad. It's not the best, but it's not bad either.

I don't know when I'll get around to finishing the chapter. This is turning into a busy week for me, but I do intend to finish it. I know that some stories can take time before they pick up.
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I read your comments and for some time now I've been thinking the same thing. As such I have taken the liberty to rewrite this first chapter again starting from the beginning. I am meeting with an editor today to work out the kinks in my writing. I would hope you are able to read my new and improved work a week from now.
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Yukitama wrote...
I read your comments and for some time now I've been thinking the same thing. As such I have taken the liberty to rewrite this first chapter again starting from the beginning. I am meeting with an editor today to work out the kinks in my writing. I would hope you are able to read my new and improved work a week from now.


Good luck.