Catch 22

I'm currently spending the summer in a University town by myself. This isolates me socially since most of the people I know are gone for the summer.

I'm introverted and I like to think I can handle being on my own for awhile, but eventually the solitude gets to me and I find myself needing a bit of quality interaction.

By chance I ran into this girl I knew from one of the Uni clubs. She's staying in town over the summer finishing up her masters and since all her housemates have gone home she's feeling lonely too. So when she ran into me she was quite eager to have me over for dinner and simply be present while she went about her work. She went on to tell me that I could come over and have dinner with her anytime I liked (within reason, provided I call her first etc...)

This would be an incredibly awesome setup if it weren't for one small problem: I'm attracted to her. I'd been pining for her all semester but never got the chance to confess to her during term time because she was constantly surrounded by her friends. Now I had the perfect opportunity and because being a cowardly chickenshit had cost me dearly in the past I confessed to her as soon as I could muster up the courage.

She rejected me, said she liked me as a friend but nothing more.

Fine...whatever...I always knew it was a longshot, in the end I just didn't want to have regrets so I mumbled my acceptance of her rejection and stewed in my feelings all the way home.

Unnecessary rant:


My policy with rejection is to just cut the other party loose and let them drift out of my life. Not to get back at them, but because by rejecting me they've become a source of pain and I need to take care of my emotional state, at least until I can get over them(which may never happen.)

That's not the main problem though...

It's time like this that I need a friend to hang out with more than ever. Someone trustworthy with whom I can be at ease and speak my mind. Unfortunately the only candidate who has so willingly offered to be that friend is also the girl who rejected me. I don't know if I can face her again knowing I'll never have the relationship I wanted with her. In any other situation I would have cut her loose but under the circumstances the companionship she offers even as "just a friend" is too good to just casually toss aside.

INB4 "You're just using her!": Yeah I am and she's using me too, she said it herself: she doesn't like being alone in the house. If she didn't think it was such a massive imposition on me she wouldn't feel the need to bribe me with free food and access to her anime/games collection.

You kind of just have to deal with it. Weigh your options of, is this person worth keeping around as a friend or not. I assume you like her personality as well as her physical attractiveness and that you would like to remain friends. It will suck for a while, you'll feel depressed and sad, but that's just how it goes when you like someone that much.
I mean, it's better to have someone you cared deeply for in your life than not at all. You don't have to be around them all the time.

*hugs*

and what tsujoi said. And honestly I know you said you are mad at the universe, but you have to admit to yourself you're mad at the girl as well since you said you felt she led you on and whatnot. I know it hurts to have someone nice that you cared for be interactive and nice with you, but if you don't feel anything you can't help it. I know I've been in a similar situation and on both ends of the matter. Some people don't care about rejecting you and playing with your heart and emotions (a guy did that to me two years ago, it hurt like hell).

But just realize that even though she rejected you that it's better to have had it happened this way. If she had accepted your feelings and went out with you not feeling the same as a result, just doing it because she was lonely then you would have been far worse off. I've done that with guys before and believe me the hurt is far more real in that case.

And honestly man you are not alone, it's scary to venture out and socialize with people. It hurts to have a crush or to ask someone out/worry about the "what ifs". But be proud that you did put yourself out there and asked her out, I know it sucks that she didn't return your feelings, but you did something you were afraid to do. Give yourself some time to heal and honestly if you feel you can't be friends with this girl then don't be.

I know it's hard to be alone and feel you have no one in your life friends/family-wise but believe me it will only make you stronger to keep working on yourself. You will find people who will care and love you, especially when you least expect it. Just have to stay strong and talk to whoever you can even if it is just you family members. I know my mother is my rock when I really need to talk, but if I didn't have her I know I could find someone to listen whether it be an old teacher from college, a random person on the internet, an ex, etc etc.

Sorry you got your heart crushed, but jsut realize this will only make you stronger and don't give up hope. Give yourself some time to recover and don't hang out with this girl if it hurts you too much right now. Don't be too upset with her either, as I said she has her own reasons for not dating you or returning her feelings and she could be going through her own struggles. I know I cry when I have to reject a guy myself, but it's just because I personally hate hurting people. I don't mind though, I just think I want them to find their happiness with someone who can really give it to them. I did use to date whoever but when you are doing it for the wrong reasons it does hurt more.

Anyways best of luck and hope this helps some.

I've never stayed more than acquaintances with people who've rejected me but I've maintained friendships with people whom I once had non-platonic affection for. Although actually I did stay friends with one girl who I took a shot at but wound up abandoning the friendship for unrelated reasons so I guess it's possible.

Anyway, is she a good enough friend to hold onto? I mean, it's not like it even got beyond you liking her. I've completely burned all bridges to all of my exes but like I said, anything that was aborted before any actual measurable investment was surmountable. If you like her and think you can maintain a friendship that isn't a surrogate for the relationship you wish you had with her then go for it; even if it's just to avoid being lonely. But make sure you aren't going to hurt yourself with irreconcilable feelings or do something reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally stupid like force yourself on her. I only add that last bit because I maintained close contact with a crush longer than I shouldve once and even though it was drunkenly reciprocated the awkward next day made me realize I had ruined our entire friendship and it's still a stain on my conscience to this day.

I already have, the trouble is I didn't have any feelings for them. It's not that my standards are too high either; half the girls I've felt attracted to weren't really conventionally attractive.

I've had a girl come on to me ready to give me all the love and affection I wanted, yet try as I might I couldn't bring myself to feel attracted to her. Then when I find a girl that I feel a natural connection to and seem to be hitting it off well with turns out she just saw me as a friend and everything just went right over her head. (Imagine my surprise when I discovered that girls could be just as clueless as guys. I always thought that they were more socially savvy and assumed they could read me like an open book.)

This s why I'm mad at the Universe Misaki Chi, because it is trolling me. This isn't the first time a situation like the one in the OP has unfolded. The details are different but it's happened to me before, years ago with a girl that had many similar qualities as the one now.

I mean that's just life man, it's not trying to screw you over it just is what it is. You can't help when you are not attracted to someone and when you are just ask them out and if you get rejected then that's that. You'll find one that is a good balance to you eventually, but for now just take your time finding the right one, no need to rush things. I have the outlook I don't care if I'm single till I'm 70 because love is one off those things that just comes when it does.

Just take some time to just chill and let this blow over, you're still seem pretty hurt by this girl. Takes time to heal a broken heart, well that and videogames lol.

You were rejected this is good. You now have that experience.

Yeah I was rejected and I now have that experience.
A while back I was also rejected, I have that experience too.
and before that I was rejected again, another great experience.

I could go on.

Yup. I sure am experienced.

As I have said that is life and what Kp is trying to say is at the very least you have had experiences where you tried. There are a lot of people that can't even face the thought of trying in relation to being rejected. Not to make rejection sound like a good thing, but it is a natural part of life and if you want to find love you have to go through it. Other then those who have never tried you will not meet a person who hasn't been rejected, but how you handle it is another story.

Again all I can say is sorry that you had to go through some shit experiences, but all you can do is give yourself some time to heal until you are ready to put yourself out there again. Don't let this time and others eat you up since it won't benefit you to dwell on the past. Honestly if you have girls that are into you that you aren't so into, why not give them a chance? Even if you don't find them sexually your type, maybe there is one that is special enough to give a chance and start off slow with.

No one can make your hurt or your sorrows go away, even if some of us do give you encouraging words (or try to at least). The rest will be up to you. You can wallow in self pity or pick yourself up and start off fresh.

Funny you should say that because I knew this one guy. He was my best friend since junior high. I knew him right from when he started hitting on girls right up to when he committed to his fiance.

All that time I knew him there was only one girl he was interested in that he failed to get into bed. The way he tells it she was hot for him, but he missed his chance to make the last move. Yeah alright I guess he still got rejected once, but man I wish I could even have a fraction of his successes.



Of course I give them a chance. When a girl comes to me wanting to give me everything I whine about not getting you can be sure I'll give her plenty of consideration, but I learned the hard way that if there's no spark, there's no spark.

And that situation is rare compared to the number of times I get rejected. I've now got a fair amount of experience in dealing with rejection, but hardly any in dealing with acceptance and as a result I've fumbled a few opportunities.

Ugh...look, I just. You guys have already given me what help you can and I'm thankful for it. Regarding the original problem I've already reached a decision on what to do next. I got stuff going next weekend so the weekend after that I'll see about meeting up with the girl. If I can be around her without feeling overwhelmed by pain then we can be friends. If not then time to let her drift out of my life permanently.