Funny naughty stories/ Funny sexual experiences

Im not entirely sure this belongs here so if it's in the wrong place im sorry :/

Just thought i'd share a funny story from earlier today.
And yes i have the guys permission to post this as long as i don't say his name.

First some backstory.
I have a friend that i've known since we were about 3 years old.
He is without a doubt my best male friend and he's an extremely nice and open person
(That's why we're still laughing at what happened earlier)
He is also the first guy that ever friendzoned me. And he's gay (relevant to the story i suppose)
Something else that is relevant to the story is that we have an open door policy when it comes to visiting each other. So unless the door is locked we just knock quickly and walk in. And his couch is on the opposite end of the room when you enter his apartment.

Aaanyway. So here is what happened.
I had some extra time on my hands and i thought i'd pop over to his place and see if he was doing something more fun than i was.
When i arrived at his place i just knocked twice and entered like i always do.
And when i looked up.. There he was. In a similar position as the girl in the topic image, Completely naked apart from his headphones and a pair of socks,
One hand working a dildo in and out of his butt and the other happily fapping away.

His back was against the back of the couch and that meant he was facing me directly.
He noticed me quite quickly and we both just kind of froze in place
Like a pair of deer in the headlights of a semi truck.
We exchanged knowing looks for about two seconds and then the funniest thing happened. Apparantly he was right on the edge as i walked in.
And after those two incredibly long seconds his dick twitched and then it was full on machine gun mode. Accompanied by swearing and him trying to get out of the position he was in. And that ended with him rolling off the couch and falling to the floor.

What he did next i'll remember for the rest of my life.
He stood straight up, Looked me right in the eyes and said
"So how about a cup of coffee?" With a big shot of jizz slowly forming a drop on his nose (and other shots over his face). He had managed to shoot right into his own nose XD.

I couldn't breathe from laughing so hard.

Just wanted to share that with you guys. As it was the funniest thing i've seen all week.

And since i've started this thread i might as well pose the question
Do you have any funny stories you'd like to share?
Personally i have a few more i can share later if this thread becomes a thing

And if this thread needs to be moved/Locked/removed i apologize

I thought about posting a funny story i had, but you know what, fuck it. You win this thread XDDD


I wish i was there lmao

Requesting the story. pls

I think you take the cake with that one. Most of my failed sexual experiences were just awkward

I kinda wish i wasn't in a way. I think i've discovered yet another fetish to add to my arsenal XD



If you've got something you'd like to post then post it :)
It would probably be fun if there are some stories that people can relate to

Like for instance. The first time i was with another girl i was so nervous that i got one of those anime perv nosebleeds. And i did not notice until she shoved a tampon in my nose XD

The first time I gave oral she stank in the nether regions. It was so bad I had to breathe through my mouth or else I'd have been physically sick. Kept going like a bro though. But man, an experience like that puts you off it for life.

I can imagine it putting you off yeah..
When i had a similar experience i politely suggested that we could continue in the shower instead.. But that led to me almost drowning :/

One of the more funnier experiences I had was with my current Girlfriend a few months ago. We decided to use handcuffs (Don't know how she talked me into it) and we put the keys onto my bedside table so we wouldn't lose them. Turns out in the middle of it we knocked them off the bedside table and lost them. So I was kinda stuck there half-naked as I had to explain to my parents why I was stood half-dressed with handcuffs on as we also thought of ways to get them off. We had a laugh afterwards but God it was embarrassing at the time.

XD I can't quite top that off but one day my mom was going out for a couple of days? Anyway so she asked my cousin(homosexual) to watch me for the day.

My cousin brings over his Bf and tells me that they are going to watch a movie in my moms bedroom so I'm like alright. I half finish the dishes and I think I found a paper that had his name on it I think? Anyway I remember going up stairs to tell him and I heard a moan from the bedroom so like a lovible idiot I opened the door and when I did that was the first time I saw gay porno live action style.

I ran down those stairs so fast it might have had an effect on my arched foot XD. I went back to washing the dishes for a couple of minutes and heard him coming down the stairs. My mind was everywhere at that time so I play it cool like I seen nothing. He comes up to me and said so yeah ... and just went back upstairs XD. Man I love him to death, but his reaction will always be engraved in my mind.

Very well.

I was once waking through the woods smoking a cigarette, and when i decided to walk off the trail towards a clearing through some bushes, i stepped right on top of someones naked ass that after closer inspection i discovered belonged to one of the two soldiers that were having sex in said bushes.

Eh I'll join in.

Story time

Damn, I don't know what I would have done in the OP's circumstance, too bad he's not straight... it would have seemed like an ideal time to get involved.

Anyway, my story is not nearly as wild, but mildly humorous (though in a sick way).

When I was 16 I had my first boyfriend, and I don't even think we were in the stage of sex, we were both virgins at the time. I lived with my grandpa at the time and one day we (my grandpa and I) were sitting on the couch together and a perfume commercial came on with these two passionately making out like it was the most mind blowing experience.

I kind of scoffed and said that I didn't understand kissing, that I didn't really think it was as great as they described. My grandpa piped in that it was because I was with a guy that was a virgin and didn't know what he was doing. He said a man who can kiss can get your clothes off in seconds. My grandpa and I have a pretty strange relationship, we can pretty much talk about anything. This is the man who taught me how to make a bowl for weed out of ice. Anyway, he continued stating to not force too much tongue, to just start out with teasing him with it, and I kind of just nodded keeping it in mind and we went about our business like nothing even happened and continued watching TV.

So when I was over at my now ex's house we were on his futon and I was straddling him and we started kissing, and the thought of what my grandpa said came in mind and I tried it. And my unbeknowing ex went "mmm, where'd you learn that trick?" and I couldn't even pass up the opportunity. I just started laughing a bit and said "My grandpa" and he just closed his eyes and moved his head from me and started laughing to himself in disbelief of what I just said.

I of course explained it to him, so he didn't literally think my grandpa and I exchanged spit, but it was still funny :)

Also, now that I'm an adult and have had good partners, I'm fully aware of what a good kiss can do lol...

After doing it with a girl we decided to take a shower together, I thought it would be fun.
However, something I always do in the shower is sing the first bit of "Songs from the Wood"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2MgU7PNHgw
(this, the beginning bit only, before the instruments chime in), so that's what I did, and I shit you not, when the flute bit came (in my head from memory), I did the miming of playing it, standing on one foot and all-as well as imitating the noise.

I think if it was anyone else she would have been mortified but she understood my craziness and we always got along. She laughed a lot, as did I.
Here I thought my first time was gonna be bad lol.

I remember you posting that already ^___^

I only have a simple story about my first time. It was nice ...but I didn't finish. Suddenly she started convulsing and I fucking panicked. Turned out it was an orgasm.

Once during sex, my gf at the time and I stopped to change position and catch our breath. Somehow, the conversation turned to my mother. I was no longer interested in sex after she put my mother in my head.


Another one; I didn't notice there was a hole in the end of the sock. I looked down and saw the hole just in time for the first shot hit me in the face.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ltkyqfMjCg&feature=kp

That feel when no funny stories.

Wow. I leave this thread alone for a few hours and it grows this much? :D
I wanted to reply to most of the stories above this but my reply post would be an entire page long :/ so i suppose that's not going to happen
Thanks for sharing guys :) And keep em coming

An update on the OP story:
After having a two hour conversation over skype with the guy i have now ordered a strap on :D. He wanted to try having someone help him out with this stuff
So in 1-2 business days i'll participate in activities that involve a safeword :D

Make sure to go slow and use lot's of lube!!

You two have one of the most awesome friendships i have ever heard! This is like a summer movie story material :D!!

not as exciting as yours but I have two actually

happened while I was pregnant

when I was pregnant on my first child, my bf and I were having sex; due to anatomical changes in my body the only comfortable position is the cowgirl style
so at the time I orgasmed, since being with child, it's in the way of my bladder functioning properly I came so hard I squirted and peed all over him needless to say he was soaked and also the futon. IDK if it's good news but he now has a fetish on squirting orgasm.

on our way to having a second child I suddenly had complications that the doctors deemed it a 'high risk pregnancy' obviously sex was out of the list
I felt sorry for him so I give him blowjobs to give him relief
during giving him head I gagged on his dick and puked
cleanup was a mess (curly pubic hair and all)