Getting comfortable with Sex

First; this post is supposed to be helpful for those who have trouble getting comfortable with sex and how to get through it, with the help of people who are experienced and comfortable, posting information/advice etc.

Second, Be Nice!
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Now, I personally have No experienced in sex. The way I was raised was to view sex as something you should never talk about because it's gross and only do when you are married. Also, I was told your first kiss and first "Time" are something special so now that I'm 21 and trying to date I hit a wall.

I'm a 21 year old Female who is looking for a serous relationship but anytime I get a date I freak out. I did't start looking at Hentai till I was 19 the same year I had my "first" kiss and it was hard for me to deal with. I felt dirty and that what I did was wrong, again I was raised with this mind set so I can't switch it over night.
I finally decided to make an account on FAKKU because I wanna move pass this wall, I simply wanna know
~ How do you get comfortable with kissing? Holding hands? sex?
~ How do you stop putting pressure on your self when it comes to dating?

I have had plenty of guys asking me out but after the first date I always ran away, I finally got used to holding hands and can tolerate kissing but anything else I get panic attacks.
Understand that I am actually a BIG pervert, I WANNA have sex, I wanna feel good. However even though I want it I still can't just have a one-night stand. Plus the last boyfriend I had was perfect, I really liked him but when I thought of moving to the next level I just could NOT do it and I broke up with him b/c I could take the pressure. (He always told me he would wait, I put the pressure on myself)
Hell, even though I look at hentai I can't even bring myself to Masterbate.

I talked to a few people and they all tell me just be patient but I don't wanna a be 40 and still not bring myself to have sex b/c man do I wanna. lol
If anyone has advice please comment, I really need it. ^^;

Irrelevant:

In Colombia, some men sell sex with donkey mares to teenaged boys for them to "lose their fear of sex". It's actually just for the money from the horny bastards tho.

Sauce: http://www.soho.com.co/sexo/articulo/burdel-de-burras/2646

Basically all of this is boiling down to two things. You were raised pretty straight laced on intimacy and now you are dealing with both that foundation as well as your own personal views/desires that are somewhat conflicting. I will say this; it is okay to feel this way when you have never experienced something. Don't freak yourself out on feeling shy about holding someone's hand or kissing them. You are just starting to experience life and love.

~ How do you get comfortable with kissing? Holding hands? sex?
A: you need to find someone who you feel comfortable with and you feel like you want first hold hands with. Then you may work your way up to kissing them. Sex will come when you feel comfortable with that person long enough.

You also need to do some self reflecting and figure out why certain things make you feel nervous. Once you figure out why certain small things get you all flustered then you can start to work on making it less nerve wracking and more comfortable. You have to think to yourself "it's not that big of a deal, he isn't going to bite me just from holding his hand" lol.

Also remind yourself that again, it's okay to feel insecure and nervous about all of this. As I said, everyone has to start somewhere when it comes to dating and such so just take things slow. Age does not matter, you just need to do what feels right to you.

~ How do you stop putting pressure on your self when it comes to dating?
To stop putting so much pressure on yourself with dating you just need to do these things:

1) be confident in yourself as a person and you decisions. Don't put yourself down for what you are thinking, even if you feel you are overthinking things. You can't help it and all you can do is just work on it. If it is becoming a repetitive problem then you need to find ways to break that cycle. For instance, instead of feeling pressure when dating just enjoy yourself in the moment with your date. Just think about having fun with your partner and making him happy. Talk with him and be open with him. When you find the right guy he will understand and things won't feel like a train wreck in your head lol.

2) Don't pressure yourself and if you feel like it just do it. I remember feeling pretty sex crazed before I lost my v-card. I was like a cat in heat yet I didn't have any clue as to how to calm myself (I didn't even know much about mastrabation till I was 18/19). Eventually I found my one guy I had been dating for a month or two just too irresistible so I said fuck it in my mind and did him. It wasn't fancy or anything (was in his parents home with a cat watching the whole thing....), but I was happy to get it over with.
The biggest way to keep from pressuring yourself in dating if this: make sure that you are sure you want to do something such as having sex with your partner. If you feel like you will regret it (and I mean really regret it, not just the small "what ifs") then it is best to wait.

Summary
Basically know that you are quite normal in how you feel at the moment. It is scary to have never done something when you are feeling the urges to do so, yet you have a "marriage only" taboo background in things. There is no blue print on how you should go about dating or having sex, but you need to do these things above all else;
~ listen to your gut and listen to your heart
both are very good judgements on if something seems right or not.

Just keep working on yourself slowly and find partners who are willing to work on you with things at your own pace. Never go with a guy who pressures you, because it's wrong of them to make you feel pressured in any way. You do what you wish to do and eventually you will get to the point that kissing, holding hands, and even sex won't be as scary.

If you need any more help on the matter since I don't know what is really making you that afraid of such things, you can always message me and I can help you with any worries or concerns to the best of my abilities. I'm pretty comfortable and use to answers any questions lol.

PS make sure to stay safe and use birth control/condoms!!

Thanx, That was really insightful.
With the the media and todays society I kinda felt it was wrong for me to be shy and that I should be comfortable with sex. I always felt I was the only one feeling this b/c all my friends are rather open about this subject.

Know you are never alone in your feelings. Media with say whatever it wishes to say and friends are who they are. You just need to find a way to feel comfortable about how you feel in relation to things. Work on yourself and learn to be comfortable in your own feelings and skin. If people ever do pressure you, then just take their words with a grain of salt or find people that are more understanding of your feelings.

No one has love and life figured out and you'll go through some ups and downs in pursuit of your dreams. Keep your head held high and have faith that you'll find a nice guy who will treat you great that also makes your heart go doki doki lol. And most importantly you are you and you don't have to rush things. Nothing wrong with taking things slow. You'll find a good rhythm over time.

Talk to someone you trust about these things if you have someone or as I said you can always msg me if you need any more advice or help. I learned from a pretty good person about a lot of these things and I like to help others when I can (^^)

I don't know your feelings towards touching yourself, I would presume if you were taught sex is bad, then masturbation would be just as taboo. But getting intimate with yourself would be a good start as well. Nobody will know your body like you do. Exploring different things on yourself will help you become more comfortable too. I'm not saying it will prepare you for sex, but it may make you a bit more comfortable with yourself intimately.

Getting comfortable with sex there are multiple aspects you need to look at. First, I think already stated, you really need to explore your own body and learn spots you love to be touched and so on. I think once you learn your own body and your own spots your can covey it to your partner and create a comfortably, and then once you really get into it you let your body and pleasure take over.

To me the only hard part about it is not even the sex but instead the partner. Usually when with someone the first time there is an awkward tension that the media usually cannot paint, alcohol can push that tension out lol. The best thing it just find someone and don't rush with. As you get comfortable talking, holding hands, kissing, and foreplay then sex will just be.....(how should I put it).......fluid?

While I wouldn't know how parallel it may be with women (as the OP is), as a male it took me many years to become fully aware of what I liked and didn't in myself (what the above refers to as getting to know your body). OP, since you're sort of new to the aspect of all these sorts of things, I would advise giving it a bit of time to execute that.

As blinkgirl also said (which I snipped), going about sex a step at a time is the best way to do it; I also greatly emphasize alcohol as a means of getting loosened up enough to stow the tention one has with sex at first. Not to go overkill with it, but honestly (depending on your drinking habits) a finger or two of a mixed drink would easily do the trick in most cases.

Don't be too hesitant in it, but also refrain from rushing it. Everyone's exposed to the entire array of sex and everything it entails differently, and with you the advice I gave and also the above posts really seem best in your case. Good luck

I feel like I've had a similar upbringing myself; I used to stay with my mother's side of the family in Manila for a few months out of the year since my parents were busy and thought it was a better alternative to leave my sister and me at home with a babysitter. They were really straightlaced and religous people, anything related to sex was taboo, so I was always scared of the topic and pretty oblivious to the subject for the longest time. My parents asked if I thought I was ready for "The talk"(we live in NY, to get away from the family), and were pretty open about it, though I was still terrified of bringing the subject up with them, because I was so scared of non-existant consequences.

Went through highschool, got a girlfriend, it was really nervewracking since I've never had been intimate with someone before, and she wanted to go further and have sex. I was REALLLY interested, but terrified at the same time, like, legit straight up flailed my arms up and ran away across the cafeteria when she first brought it up.

One day, we were watching anime in my room and she slowly guided my hands around her body pushed me down, jumped on top of me, and we were doing it before I realized what was going on. Although not as slow and sweet as I would have liked it, the fear got pushed away. Sorta like jumping into a pool, go all in.

I totally don't recomend that approach, mostly because I can't remember how much I was freaking out, but I was freaking out pretty bad, haha. Just take it nice and slow the first time, and be sure you can trust your partner. Walk before you run, and ease into it with him.

As for getting comfy with holding hands and kissing, it's more of feel out what works. When I get the warm and fuzzies, I just sorta reach out for a hand to hold onto, since physical contact is really important to me and makes me feel secure. Feel out the mood, and importantly, don't force yourself to do something that doesn't feel natural.


Main takeaway; don't rush things, just let them happen, let someone guide you if you have trouble taking small steps yourself, and this might sound counterproductive to yourself, but go into relationships without too many expectations, or suddenly you have your own standards on how things should be done, when, and how. Trust me on this, you'll know when you're ready to actually to start having sex.

Also, Misaki is right. It's extremely cool to talk to others you trust, or anonymous people about this. Shared experience is the best way to grow and grab advice. Anyone on this thread, myself included, wouldn't think it trouble to answer any questions or just chat if you wanted more advice/stories. What really helped me calm down was talking to (I know this sounds shifty) people online who've been there and done that, and really calmed me down and prepared me for when I got pushed down screaming my first time

Well kissing, is kinda like killing, the more you do it the easier it gets. Sex however is tougher because you have been conditioned so much by your parents that it has built up a mental blockage that can be crippling, I seen a show where a person had the exact condition an she had to get professional counseling to overcome the panic attacks, she waited until married, but still couldn't consumate her marrage, husband stuck it out with her and now she has kids. She had every symptom you have, horny as hell but at the moment of truth, she freaked.

I would strongly recommend seeing a counselor. It sounds like these are some pretty heavily engrained religious or moral feelings about your body and your sexuality that are preventing you from having a healthy and satisfying sex life.

Since it goes so far as to prevent you from being able to comfortably masturbate, it's apparent that there is a very large emotional/mental blockage that is in your way. It's not something that we [internet users] will be able to help you with. This is something that will require time and methodical treatment to heal.

In the interim, I suggest taking a break from things of a sexual nature. Your anxiety is very strongly attached to it and actions or feelings that correlate with it seem to be a big trigger for you. If simply being aroused and having those natural feelings of physical desire are enough to make you feel uncomfortable with yourself, it may be time to take a break, re-evaluate yourself, and seek help from a third party.

There are plenty of free/low-cost counseling services in all regions of the United States.

I wish you the best of luck, and it really pains me to hear that you're going through this. I went through something similar as an adolescent. It took me quite a while to work through, myself, but I can assure you that there's another side to it - I have a healthy and satisfying sex life. It just takes time and a dedication to your own wellbeing.

Get well!

Since you claim to be a big pervert, do you masturbate? Because one of the first things about sex is being comfortable with what you got. It's also another way to explore your body, to know what you like. Maybe you like it rough, with masturbating you can figure out your sensitive spots.

But if you already know your what your body likes then the next step is to find someone who won't rush into things, clearly sex is very important to you. Nowadays people react more to losing their phone than their virginity, so don't think of being a virgin as a bad thing. Sex itself is good, but sex with a person you trust and care for will have you begging for more in the morning.

And like if you're still wondering about how to get comfortable with holding hands and kissing its all natural everyone knows how to do it and you shouldn't over think things if simply holding his hand is enough to make you blush then shut the hell out of your brain and just go along to whatever happens next. Little by little you'll notice that it is you making the first move.

((Also I'm sorry if I said something similar to someone else, too lazy to read peoples comments))