jokes
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There's are 3 singers, an Alto, a Tenor and a Baritone. They all sing a chord. The Alto notices that the Baritone's intonation is off so he says, "Hey, Baritone. You're very flat."
And the Tenor says, "Don't you mean Bari Flat?!"
And the Tenor says, "Don't you mean Bari Flat?!"
Spoiler:
3
Antw0n
Remember me?
This one will make you want to -rep me all night.
Why don't Seagulls live by the bay?
Too lame? Hm.
Try this.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Why don't Seagulls live by the bay?
Spoiler:
Too lame? Hm.
Try this.
Thank you, and goodnight.
0
Antw0n
Remember me?
FappingFury wrote...
What do you call a hospital for horsesHors...pital..? I dunno, tell me. I just know 'Ney' is gonna be in there somewhere....
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"
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A guy walks into a confessional booth and says, "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."
"What do you mean almost?", asked the priest.
"Well, we got naked and rubbed together but then I stopped.", the man said.
"Rubbing is the same as putting it in.", said the priest "You are not to see that girl again. For your penance, I want you to say five Hail Marys and put $100 in the donation box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers and walked over to the donation box. He paused for a while then left.
The priest said, "I saw that! You didnt put any money in the box!"
The man replied, "I rubbed a $100 bill on the box and according to you, thats the same as putting it in!"
"What do you mean almost?", asked the priest.
"Well, we got naked and rubbed together but then I stopped.", the man said.
"Rubbing is the same as putting it in.", said the priest "You are not to see that girl again. For your penance, I want you to say five Hail Marys and put $100 in the donation box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers and walked over to the donation box. He paused for a while then left.
The priest said, "I saw that! You didnt put any money in the box!"
The man replied, "I rubbed a $100 bill on the box and according to you, thats the same as putting it in!"
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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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A guy is setting at a bar drinking & drinking, raising his bar tab. He turns & notices a line of people waiting to go into the back room. He turns to the bartender "What are they in line for ?"
The Bartender replies "You see, if you can make the donkey in the room laugh, your bar tab is paid in full for the night"
So the man takes a few more shots & sees person after person fail to make this donkey laugh. He chokes back one more shot and gets in line. After a few minutes its his turn to try and make this donkey laugh. He tells the donkey "I bet I have a bigger dick then you !" To that the Donkey burst's out laughing. The gentleman walks back over to the bar & gets a few more shots.
The Bartender asks what he had said & the man tells him. To that, the bartender kept his word & covered the mans tab.
The next night, the same man comes in & sees the same thing going on. This time the bartender says "If you can make the Donkey cry, the drinks are on the house" To that, the man rakes up another huge bill, gets in line & moments later the whole bar hears the Donkey crying. The man walks over to the bar & gets a few more drinks, the bartender leans over & asks "What the heck did you do to get him to cry?"
The man replies, "Well yesterday I got him to laugh because I said I had a bigger dick, today I proved it"
The Bartender replies "You see, if you can make the donkey in the room laugh, your bar tab is paid in full for the night"
So the man takes a few more shots & sees person after person fail to make this donkey laugh. He chokes back one more shot and gets in line. After a few minutes its his turn to try and make this donkey laugh. He tells the donkey "I bet I have a bigger dick then you !" To that the Donkey burst's out laughing. The gentleman walks back over to the bar & gets a few more shots.
The Bartender asks what he had said & the man tells him. To that, the bartender kept his word & covered the mans tab.
The next night, the same man comes in & sees the same thing going on. This time the bartender says "If you can make the Donkey cry, the drinks are on the house" To that, the man rakes up another huge bill, gets in line & moments later the whole bar hears the Donkey crying. The man walks over to the bar & gets a few more drinks, the bartender leans over & asks "What the heck did you do to get him to cry?"
The man replies, "Well yesterday I got him to laugh because I said I had a bigger dick, today I proved it"
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Here ya go. I heard it in the 8th grade when sex jokes seemed more funny than they actually are.
2 ducks are on their honeymoon in a posh hotel. just as they are about to consumate the marrage, the male says “oh no, i dont have any condoms!” and promptly calls room service. “do you have any condoms?” he asks “yes sir” comes the reply” “good” says the duck “can you send some to our room?” “certainly sir” replies the clerk “would you like me to put them on your bill?” “dont be silly!”yells the duck “i’ll suffocate!!”
2 ducks are on their honeymoon in a posh hotel. just as they are about to consumate the marrage, the male says “oh no, i dont have any condoms!” and promptly calls room service. “do you have any condoms?” he asks “yes sir” comes the reply” “good” says the duck “can you send some to our room?” “certainly sir” replies the clerk “would you like me to put them on your bill?” “dont be silly!”yells the duck “i’ll suffocate!!”
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This is the story of how midget tossing in bars became popular.
A midget walks into a dirty bar. People try not to gawk at him since they don't want to be rude. Never being to this bar before, the midget doesn't know that the bar owner keeps a cat. Unaware of this, the midget accidently steps in some cat poo, thus tripping and falling to the ground. No one says anything not wanting to embarass him. The midget picks himself up and finds a sit, thinking people here must be friendly if nobody laughed at him.
A few seconds later a large man comes in and steps on the same piece of sh*t and falls down. He looks down at his shoe and sees the crap stuck on the bottom of it. The midget smiles and says in a friendly voice "I did that just a second ago."
That is how the first midget tossing happened.
A midget walks into a dirty bar. People try not to gawk at him since they don't want to be rude. Never being to this bar before, the midget doesn't know that the bar owner keeps a cat. Unaware of this, the midget accidently steps in some cat poo, thus tripping and falling to the ground. No one says anything not wanting to embarass him. The midget picks himself up and finds a sit, thinking people here must be friendly if nobody laughed at him.
A few seconds later a large man comes in and steps on the same piece of sh*t and falls down. He looks down at his shoe and sees the crap stuck on the bottom of it. The midget smiles and says in a friendly voice "I did that just a second ago."
That is how the first midget tossing happened.
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What do you say when your TV is floating across the living room in the middle of the night?
That cracked me up when my friend told me it.
Spoiler:
That cracked me up when my friend told me it.
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There was a guy sitting in a bus, he saw a hot chick. He told the chick "Hey,wanna fuck?" Then she left the bus. The bus driver called the guy and said "Hey kid you want to fuck that chick?, Here go here at 12:00 midnight" as he hands him the paper with an address. "Wear a mask or something" The bus driver said. He went to XX at midnight, as expected the chick was there. The man was wearing a Tom Cruise mask. Then He approached her and said "Hey, I'am Tom Cruise let's fuck" then the chick replied "Anal only, okay?". He proceeded to fucking her (Anal). In the middle of sex the man removes the mask and says "I'am not Tom Cruise! I was the man at the bus!". Then the chick also removes her mask and says "I'am not the girl! I'am the bus driver!"
