Reflecting on my Relationship...

Within the past few weeks I had a difficult conversation with my long-distance girlfriend of almost five years, in which be both agreed that it was probably for the best that we break up. Almost no one knows that this occurred - close friends and family alike, with the exception of my parents (this went down while I was visiting the folks). Begs the question: why am I posting about this on Fakku, then?

I couldn't tell you. After yet another night of sitting alone, watching Youtube videos and thinking about the state of things, I felt like I needed to open up to someone, even if it's a forum full of people I don't know.

This was the first actual relationship I'd ever had, honestly. We live in different countries. About three years ago I had the chance to go meet her in person and spend a few weeks with her, and in many ways it was one of the best periods of my life. Due to various real-life circumstances, we never successfully arranged another visit like that.

In the earlier days of our relationship, I tried to abstain from watching/reading any pornographic material (hentai as well), as I felt that would be a betrayal of her trust. Needless to say, there were multiple times I failed in this. It felt like I was cheating on her, honestly; more than once I tearfully begged her forgiveness for my abject failure. She always told me that she understood, and never once scorned me for it.

After a while it was just left unsaid - she didn't ask, I didn't offer anything up. It was never that I didn't care for her, or that I wasn't attracted to her. I never dreamed of betraying her for someone else, but I can't help but feel that was exactly what I'd done every single time I started browsing the internet looking for that kind of release.

I'd be kidding myself if I didn't say that this wasn't a long time coming. More and more we just stopped taking the time to message each other - in the past six months or so there were literally weeks where I didn't think to go online to message her, or dreaded the very act of doing so.

Ugh. I don't even know what I'm trying to accomplish here; I'm probably not even making sense.

It was a mutual break-up. I hate the feeling that it was all my fault - that I failed her and went back on everything I ever promised her; that every time I told her "I love you" is now just another reason to slap myself in the face. I feel like a complete and utter bastard. I'm seeking judgment, because I can't figure myself out.

http://corruptcamel.com/2011/06/reasons-why-long-distance-relationships-dont-work/

Thats why i never been in long distance realtionship and will never be.
Read the whole text in the link, its good info.

Going to tell you two things right off the bat

1) it's okay to masturbate to other things such as porn while you're in a relationship. Even when I'm dating I still jack off to hentai and porn, but it doesn't mean that I don't love my partner any less. To me porn is enjoyable and a hobby in an odd sense. I find beauty in it and enjoy it emotionally as well as physically. The same goes for smut novels. Now if you are establishing a connection with others such as with sexting, role play with another person or caming with another, then you should talk with your partner first. Fiction and fantasy is fine, but when those lines start to blur then you need to re-evaluate what your relationship means or see what you and your partner are comfortable with (better to be upfront early on about this, if this starts to come out later then it either means lack of communication or the relationship is going sour).

2) Stop beating yourself up for what happened. Long distance relationships are not easy. I got out of one myself not too long ago and yeah it sucks and you feel like you are living a lie for part of it with empty words and gestures, but at least you two realized it wasn't working. You can only try for so long and some people can make it work, others can't. Don't regret the time you two spent with one another no matter how it was. I know I don't regret my long distance since we did love each other, just didn't work out.

Other then that you just need to take time to deal with your feelings and eventually you will move on. I would only tell those you really trust about your break up and if you can lean on some friends/family for support take the opportunity to. You'll cry and you'll regret things, but also try to remember the good times. The biggest thing you need to reflect on in this time is realize why the relationship didn't work and that you are better off where you are at now and if you are not in that place how can you get there? I know I was pretty depressed and felt like I had lost a part of me, but realizing how happy and better I am to have ended something that wasn't working really gave me comfort. I don't know when I will date again, but someday I'll get back to it. For now I just want to enjoy my life and find people who can do the same.

You'll make mistakes along the way but hey you had one relationship happen who says there won't be another one around the corner?

Anyways, just appreciate what you have currently and work on yourself. Take this time to heal yourself and your wounds. Talk with people you can trust and just take life day by day. Things will get easier and one day you may find love again. Can't give up because hell a tree could hit you and put you in a coma tomorrow lol; aka life is too short to waste feeling regret/sorrow. Best of luck to you, this will get better. Just watch youtube and anime, I know right now I'm just diving into work and being a full on nerd lol.

The fact that you managed to hold a long distance relationship for five years is amazing. But just from what you said it seems that it wasn't going anywhere and towards the end you were both unhappy so maybe it's good that it came to a break up.
Looking back on a relationship after such a fresh break up will make you want to facepalm A LOT, it's gonna hurt, you're gonna blame yourself and you're gonna be extremelly frustrated but once you get this out of your system you might look at yourself and think 'I'm much happier now'.

Thank you. I really appreciate the insight (even though I know I'm only giving my perspective on it).

It's a day-by-day thing. I'm not in as bad a place as I initially was - last night was just not good for thinking about it, and there is a practically non-existent number of people I feel like I can reach out to regarding certain aspects of this.

But really, thanks. For what it's worth, it helps. Sorry for being a drama queen.

Not a drama queen and as I said stop feeling bad for how you feel in all of this. Breakups are not easy. I don't open myself up to people easily but I cried like a baby to a few I could trust. I didn't eat or sleep well for a bit and hell I even got sick as a dog because I pushed myself too hard and didn't deal with my feelings properly lol.

I know I'm finally getting back to normal and my ex could easily come here and read all of this, but it's cool with me now. I'm in a better place and I am okay at this point being single and working on myself again.

You'll have your good days and you'll have your bad, may even have really bad. Just know you are not alone and never the only one to suffe heartbreak; country music songs are testament to that. You can heal over time and just wish for the best (^^)

Definitely not a drama queen, break ups are heavy stuff. The healing period is like getting out of drugs. Some days you will relapse but just look forward to being a happier and stronger person in the near future

I disagree so badly that i can barelly hold my anger back
Dont tell someone his love was meant to fail!

I dont care if you will meet the love of your life and let him/her go because of what you just said but what makes you believe thats what he wanted to hear?
They broke up because it didnt work out not because of the distance.

I was in an online relationship for 5 years yes fucking 5years where it was hard and difficult and we met each other just once or twice per year.

But i love him and we are together for 8 years now,living together. i cant tell for sure if our love is meant forever but neither can any other couple.

I know we talked and we talked a lot yes, but thats what people are supposed to do. We were horny as hell too yes but i didnt go fuck some stranger on the street. Whoever would do that would have done it in any relationship. Same goes for people flirting and going out, do you think i need my bf spying on me so im not to going bang my best friend?
Being jealous sure thing sucks but that also has nothing to do with distance, are you suggesting that not being able to tell where he is 24/7 or checking his phone makes you any more suspicious?

Online relationships are capable of creating an even closer bound.
i had to share my opinion as a reply to yours because its just terrible seeing it in a post like this.

While I do think there is a strong argument to be made about the extreme challenges of a long-distance relationship, that particular poster was a complete fucktard who managed to get himself banned multiple times after the entire forum pummeled him into submission for being a shithead. Nothing he ever said should be taken seriously.

I am seriously glad that happened!
i was just a bit too upset to not reply, the other comments were luckily kund and useful.
i really should vheck out the dates and status of posts/profiles sorry o.o

I didn't think too much of it. Notwithstanding that, the actual responses I got honestly helped. Thank you for that.