[Locked] [Community Project V2] Shadowblaze Chronicles
1
Yanker
I read hentai for plot
Jumping on the long chapter bandwagon:
Chapter 14 - The girl who hails from the village to the North
Chapter 14 - The girl who hails from the village to the North
Spoiler:
1
Masayoshiii
Gone
Yanker wrote...
Jumping on the long chapter bandwagon:Chapter 14 - The girl who hails from the village to the North
Spoiler:
[size=24][color=red]Holy. Fucking. Shit.[/color][/size]
I need a few minutes to analyze this before I review it.
Spoiler alert:
Spoiler:
There is one double word at the beginning though, "bolted bolted". I'm not sure if that's a typo or intentional for dramatic effect.
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Yanker wrote...
Jumping on the long chapter bandwagon:Chapter 14 - The girl who hails from the village to the North
So, it's my turn now... Wow. This is going to be tricky. Mostly because you raised the bar quite a bit this time, not sure if I can live up to expectations. I'll PM you the chapter before I post it to make sure it's alright.
1
Masayoshiii
Gone
Complete Horizon wrote...
So, it's my turn now... Wow. This is going to be tricky. Mostly because you raised the bar quite a bit this time, not sure if I can live up to expectations. I'll PM you the chapter before I post it to make sure it's alright.Okay, so like you asked, I'm taking over the chapter reservation list again. I need to ask... what chapters are currently reserved?
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Masayoshi wrote...
Okay, so like you asked, I'm taking over the chapter reservation list again. I need to ask... what chapters are currently reserved?Chapter 15: Me.
Chapter 16: Spikedpikes
Chapter 17: A newcomer, offline group member. Name to be decided.
Chapter 18: JustGiveMeLove
Chapter 19: No reservation yet
Chapter 20: Me, or you if you have free time ever.
1
Masayoshiii
Gone
Complete Horizon wrote...
15: Me.Chapter 16: Spikedpikes
Chapter 17: A newcomer, offline group member. Name to be decided.
Chapter 18: JustGiveMeLove
Chapter 19: No reservation yet
Chapter 20: Me, or you if you have free time ever.
Hm... Okay, I'll update the list. If you don't mind, I'll take over writing chapter 20 again, though it may take me a while, since I can only work on it on Fridays.
Also, it's time for me to start working on my review for chapter 14. I'll be busy for a while.
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Masayoshi wrote...
Hm... Okay, I'll update the list. If you don't mind, I'll take over writing chapter 20 again, though it may take me a while, since I can only work on it on Fridays.Also, it's time for me to start working on my review for chapter 14. I'll be busy for a while.
Got it. Don't be shy about joining the conversation more often, we miss you in the thread... if we keep doing everything by PM, the other members get left out.
1
Masayoshiii
Gone
Yanker wrote...
Jumping on the long chapter bandwagon:Chapter 14 - The girl who hails from the village to the North
Spoiler:
Okay, finally, I managed to go through it so that I can make a good review:
Well, let's start with this - this is the longest chapter you've made so far, and I'd also say it has the most plot and character development. I like how you added that Elgaraf also experienced the dream of the cataclysm in chapter 12, which adds him to the list of people that can have a major impact on the outcome of chapters 41-45, which I haven't revealed much about yet.
Next, this chapter sets up Elgaraf's later confrontation with the ice dragon splendidly, and also introduces another character for later (The Metalmancer) while introducing a traveling companion for him. The fact that she was skilled also helps save time, as there should only be one protagonist that is really weak starting out (Masayoshi, haha).
If I remember correctly, Elgaraf's longsword was an enchanted blade, yet it broke very easily striking a dragonscale cloak. This illustrates that the Ice Dragon will be no easy opponent, and will give Elgaraf a very hard time, even when he's up to the challenge. But I also remember it being used in pretty much every fight before. The breaking of his sword sets him up to have a new longsword forged and enchanted later on, probably either right before or right after he battles the ice dragon. You set it up beautifully.
Also, showing the Elgaraf was slightly sexually frustrated was a nice touch, even though probably a minor detail to some, I think it brings out his personality more, and shows that, yes, he is a man with urges. Also with high self-control and compassion. Speaking of compassion, the fact that you detail his affection to the horse he travels with that carries his supplies is another small yet important detail that deepens his character. Kudos for thinking to do this.
Alice, who you just introduced, already has been shown to have a fiery personality, but still eager and upbeat. Maybe also a little bit cocky, but not without good reason. You've shown us a lot about her already, without even having to describe her appearance. Leaving it the the imagination gives me an image of a red-haired, lithe woman, skilled with both blade and knife. That's just my imagination though, and anyone can form their own splendid image of her, since you chose to omit the details of her appearance.
I've been too focused on the characters for this review, when there's also a few other things you pulled off magnificently. Namely, the fight scene between Elgaraf and Alice. The details of their fight scene were a lot more vivid, than, for example, Masayoshi's fight with the demon pack leaders back at Arden (no offense, CH.) In fact, I'd wager that it was more detailed than the fight between Masayoshi and the Shadowmancer in Aiful, though that fight was a lot longer.
So, I'm going to be using a number rating system to grade chapters I review from now on, in five specific areas: Story development, Character development, Event Details, Foreshadowing, and Fight Scenes. Here are my ratings for each of the categories, for you:
Story Development: 9/10 - You drove Elgaraf's journey forward significantly while not needing excessive exposition. Excellent work.
Character Development: 9/10 - You showed us a lot more about Elgaraf, some of his personality traits which we had not been expecting, even. Showing that he had a tender side that developed during his journey was a bold move, and a great one.
Event Details: 10/10 - You were very to the point, and even made sure to reaffirm the existence of the demons running rampant (which everyone else seems to forget about). You didn't stall or create unnecessary dialogue, and everything served an important purpose.
Foreshadowing: 8/10 - You had excellent story development, though it did set up things for later in a way that we will come to expect, unless I'm missing something. I did, however, notice three points of foreshadowing that are not very easy to notice. Good job on making them seem natural in the chapter.
Fight Scenes: 10/10 - You showed us thrilling, skillful fight scenes where the characters reacted appropriately according to their skills and experience, while managing to still throw in a couple unexpected and pleasing tidbits. The breast reveal was a nice touch, but even more so the very end of the fight, where she fell back on using knives to defend herself. It was a very fluid fight, with great detail and even better execution. This is by far my favorite part of the chapter, closely competing with your detailing of events in the interactions between Elgaraf and the people of the village.
Overall score: 9/10 it was an excellent chapter, and I know picking favorites is bad, but this is my favorite so far. Everyone else did good too, but this is damn near a masterpiece. At least, by my standards.
Keep up the EXCELLENT work. I was always expecting big things since your first chapter, but this pretty much blew my mind.
1
Yanker
I read hentai for plot
Masayoshi wrote...
Yanker wrote...
Jumping on the long chapter bandwagon:Chapter 14 - The girl who hails from the village to the North
Spoiler:
Okay, finally, I managed to go through it so that I can make a good review:
Well, let's start with this - this is the longest chapter you've made so far, and I'd also say it has the most plot and character development. I like how you added that Elgaraf also experienced the dream of the cataclysm in chapter 12, which adds him to the list of people that can have a major impact on the outcome of chapters 41-45, which I haven't revealed much about yet.
Next, this chapter sets up Elgaraf's later confrontation with the ice dragon splendidly, and also introduces another character for later (The Metalmancer) while introducing a traveling companion for him. The fact that she was skilled also helps save time, as there should only be one protagonist that is really weak starting out (Masayoshi, haha).
If I remember correctly, Elgaraf's longsword was an enchanted blade, yet it broke very easily striking a dragonscale cloak. This illustrates that the Ice Dragon will be no easy opponent, and will give Elgaraf a very hard time, even when he's up to the challenge. But I also remember it being used in pretty much every fight before. The breaking of his sword sets him up to have a new longsword forged and enchanted later on, probably either right before or right after he battles the ice dragon. You set it up beautifully.
Also, showing the Elgaraf was slightly sexually frustrated was a nice touch, even though probably a minor detail to some, I think it brings out his personality more, and shows that, yes, he is a man with urges. Also with high self-control and compassion. Speaking of compassion, the fact that you detail his affection to the horse he travels with that carries his supplies is another small yet important detail that deepens his character. Kudos for thinking to do this.
Alice, who you just introduced, already has been shown to have a fiery personality, but still eager and upbeat. Maybe also a little bit cocky, but not without good reason. You've shown us a lot about her already, without even having to describe her appearance. Leaving it the the imagination gives me an image of a red-haired, lithe woman, skilled with both blade and knife. That's just my imagination though, and anyone can form their own splendid image of her, since you chose to omit the details of her appearance.
I've been too focused on the characters for this review, when there's also a few other things you pulled off magnificently. Namely, the fight scene between Elgaraf and Alice. The details of their fight scene were a lot more vivid, than, for example, Masayoshi's fight with the demon pack leaders back at Arden (no offense, CH.) In fact, I'd wager that it was more detailed than the fight between Masayoshi and the Shadowmancer in Aiful, though that fight was a lot longer.
So, I'm going to be using a number rating system to grade chapters I review from now on, in five specific areas: Story development, Character development, Event Details, Foreshadowing, and Fight Scenes. Here are my ratings for each of the categories, for you:
Story Development: 9/10 - You drove Elgaraf's journey forward significantly while not needing excessive exposition. Excellent work.
Character Development: 9/10 - You showed us a lot more about Elgaraf, some of his personality traits which we had not been expecting, even. Showing that he had a tender side that developed during his journey was a bold move, and a great one.
Event Details: 10/10 - You were very to the point, and even made sure to reaffirm the existence of the demons running rampant (which everyone else seems to forget about). You didn't stall or create unnecessary dialogue, and everything served an important purpose.
Foreshadowing: 8/10 - You had excellent story development, though it did set up things for later in a way that we will come to expect, unless I'm missing something. I did, however, notice three points of foreshadowing that are not very easy to notice. Good job on making them seem natural in the chapter.
Fight Scenes: 10/10 - You showed us thrilling, skillful fight scenes where the characters reacted appropriately according to their skills and experience, while managing to still throw in a couple unexpected and pleasing tidbits. The breast reveal was a nice touch, but even more so the very end of the fight, where she fell back on using knives to defend herself. It was a very fluid fight, with great detail and even better execution. This is by far my favorite part of the chapter, closely competing with your detailing of events in the interactions between Elgaraf and the people of the village.
Overall score: 9/10 it was an excellent chapter, and I know picking favorites is bad, but this is my favorite so far. Everyone else did good too, but this is damn near a masterpiece. At least, by my standards.
Keep up the EXCELLENT work. I was always expecting big things since your first chapter, but this pretty much blew my mind.
Ahaha, thanks for the high praise :p. Yeah, good pickup on the typo, though I cbf fixing it.
Regarding the longsword breaking... I actually never mentioned he carried more than one weapon from the start, you just gave him three swords in chapter one so I decided to roll with it. As far as I was concerned, all his weapons were normal weapons.
Also, I DID describe Alice as having 'midnight black hair, green eyes and a nice figure', but it's understandable for missing it since there was quite a bit of dialogue and other stuff to distract you.
The Metalmancer will just be a minor character to forge Elgaraf's weapons. But yeah, thanks for taking the time to make such a great review, I'll keep trying to make my chapters better ^^
1
Masayoshi wrote...
So wait are you taking over the project again?
Also, I'd like to reserve chapter 19.
1
Masayoshiii
Gone
The Equalizer wrote...
So wait are you taking over the project again?Also, I'd like to reserve chapter 19.
Well, I'm going to be more active in the project again, since I've mostly figured out how to handle the college end of my life, and this term won't be that hard.
As for reserving chapter 19... can you wait for a bit? We started an offline group too, and I want to see if another member wants it.
You can take a chapter from 21-24 if you like for now, and if we don't find anyone for 19, you can have it too.
Also, please don't rush events this time. We really had a hard time because of that. Take it nice and easy for the next chapter, and I'm sure it'll turn out great.
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Masayoshi wrote...
Well, I'm going to be more active in the project again, since I've mostly figured out how to handle the college end of my life, and this term won't be that hard.As for reserving chapter 19... can you wait for a bit? We started an offline group too, and I want to see if another member wants it.
You can take a chapter from 21-24 if you like for now, and if we don't find anyone for 19, you can have it too.
Also, please don't rush events this time. We really had a hard time because of that. Take it nice and easy for the next chapter, and I'm sure it'll turn out great.
Okay, so basically, you're back on board but not taking charge. I'll take chapter 22 then, temporarily. If it works out in my favor, I still want chapter 19. Also, I'll make sure to slow the pace down this time, sorry for all the problems I caused with chapter 12.
1
Yanker
I read hentai for plot
The Equalizer wrote...
Masayoshi wrote...
Well, I'm going to be more active in the project again, since I've mostly figured out how to handle the college end of my life, and this term won't be that hard.As for reserving chapter 19... can you wait for a bit? We started an offline group too, and I want to see if another member wants it.
You can take a chapter from 21-24 if you like for now, and if we don't find anyone for 19, you can have it too.
Also, please don't rush events this time. We really had a hard time because of that. Take it nice and easy for the next chapter, and I'm sure it'll turn out great.
Okay, so basically, you're back on board but not taking charge. I'll take chapter 22 then, temporarily. If it works out in my favor, I still want chapter 19. Also, I'll make sure to slow the pace down this time, sorry for all the problems I caused with chapter 12.
Just stick with the basic outline and let the OP or Complete Horizon set the triggers for the major events. Your chapter itself wasn't bad, it just sped up waaaaay too much. When significant events happen, for example, it usually requires several chapters worth of buildup (like Empress' release and the cataclysm). The flooding of Arden would probably require multiple mentions of unnatural rain in the town, because towns do not simply flood overnight, at least not to the degree mentioned.
ALso, the character you created played no part whatsoever. What happened to introducing them?
1
Yanker wrote...
Just stick with the basic outline and let the OP or Complete Horizon set the triggers for the major events. Your chapter itself wasn't bad, it just sped up waaaaay too much. When significant events happen, for example, it usually requires several chapters worth of buildup (like Empress' release and the cataclysm). The flooding of Arden would probably require multiple mentions of unnatural rain in the town, because towns do not simply flood overnight, at least not to the degree mentioned.ALso, the character you created played no part whatsoever. What happened to introducing them?
oh ok thanks for the tips...
and oops. i got so caught up in plot that i totally forgot about introducing them. guess i'll have to wait for my next chapter.
1
Masayoshiii
Gone
Yanker wrote...
Ahaha, thanks for the high praise :p. Yeah, good pickup on the typo, though I cbf fixing it. Regarding the longsword breaking... I actually never mentioned he carried more than one weapon from the start, you just gave him three swords in chapter one so I decided to roll with it. As far as I was concerned, all his weapons were normal weapons.
Also, I DID describe Alice as having 'midnight black hair, green eyes and a nice figure', but it's understandable for missing it since there was quite a bit of dialogue and other stuff to distract you.
The Metalmancer will just be a minor character to forge Elgaraf's weapons. But yeah, thanks for taking the time to make such a great review, I'll keep trying to make my chapters better ^^
Oh, that's what it was... I actually didn't give him three weapons, that was Complete Horizon's idea then, since he wrote chapter 1. Also... wow. I'm bad for missing her appearance. I took my time and read it, and I still missed something the first time. It just goes to show that there is so much to pay attention to that I couldn't even comprehend it all my first read. It's something that I should surely read multiple times.
As for the metalmancer, I'm slightly saddened that he'll be a minor character (with such an awesome name), but the most important person in the journey should probably be Alice, seconded by Huoyan Baofenxue, the invincible weapon master. It's a good point, since the whole point of Elgaraf's journey is to become strong enough to fight against even god-like arcane powers with just his abilities and skills.
Also, adding a new companion was a nice addition, much welcome in the story, as we are sorely lacking characters for some reason... I noticed that while we have already put out 15 chapters of content (counting the prologue), we don't even have 30 characters. In fact, unless I take the time to count them, I'm pretty sure we don't even have 20. I should be pitching in more, but I think it's probably at a good number... for now.
Well, that's pretty much all I can say. This chapter was by far the best I've seen in this story yet, so I can hardly wait for your next one. Would you like to make a reservation? >_> ^_^ <_< ...
1
Yanker
I read hentai for plot
Masayoshi wrote...
Yanker wrote...
Ahaha, thanks for the high praise :p. Yeah, good pickup on the typo, though I cbf fixing it. Regarding the longsword breaking... I actually never mentioned he carried more than one weapon from the start, you just gave him three swords in chapter one so I decided to roll with it. As far as I was concerned, all his weapons were normal weapons.
Also, I DID describe Alice as having 'midnight black hair, green eyes and a nice figure', but it's understandable for missing it since there was quite a bit of dialogue and other stuff to distract you.
The Metalmancer will just be a minor character to forge Elgaraf's weapons. But yeah, thanks for taking the time to make such a great review, I'll keep trying to make my chapters better ^^
Oh, that's what it was... I actually didn't give him three weapons, that was Complete Horizon's idea then, since he wrote chapter 1. Also... wow. I'm bad for missing her appearance. I took my time and read it, and I still missed something the first time. It just goes to show that there is so much to pay attention to that I couldn't even comprehend it all my first read. It's something that I should surely read multiple times.
As for the metalmancer, I'm slightly saddened that he'll be a minor character (with such an awesome name), but the most important person in the journey should probably be Alice, seconded by Huoyan Baofenxue, the invincible weapon master. It's a good point, since the whole point of Elgaraf's journey is to become strong enough to fight against even god-like arcane powers with just his abilities and skills.
Also, adding a new companion was a nice addition, much welcome in the story, as we are sorely lacking characters for some reason... I noticed that while we have already put out 15 chapters of content (counting the prologue), we don't even have 30 characters. In fact, unless I take the time to count them, I'm pretty sure we don't even have 20. I should be pitching in more, but I think it's probably at a good number... for now.
Well, that's pretty much all I can say. This chapter was by far the best I've seen in this story yet, so I can hardly wait for your next one. Would you like to make a reservation? >_> ^_^ <_< ...
I think its better to have less major characters and develop them more, rather than have many but develop none. Also, yeah I'd like the last available chapter to reserve (I think that's chapter twenty-something?)
1
Masayoshiii
Gone
Yanker wrote...
I think its better to have less major characters and develop them more, rather than have many but develop none. Also, yeah I'd like the last available chapter to reserve (I think that's chapter twenty-something?)I think that's chapter 24 right now, I'll put you down for it ^_^. I have to work in about an hour, so you won't hear from me again until after 8PM in UTC -8
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So, unfortunately, I will either be very delayed in writing chapter 15, or will be passing it back to Yanker.
Sorry guys, work and family comes first. I will work on it as soon as I have some free time.
Sorry guys, work and family comes first. I will work on it as soon as I have some free time.
1
Masayoshiii
Gone
There is a new story, a prelude to this one, for anyone who's interested. Note: THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.
Shadowblaze Origins
Shadowblaze Origins