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[Summer Contest Entry 2015] Skyhigh
5
I literally just finished it, so it still needs to be edited, but who cares? First! The word count according to MS Word is 1439.
Spoiler:
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Xenon
FAKKU Writer
Since I can't comment on improving basically anything pertaining to the rules, I'd just like to report to you that I read it and it seemed like a very adventurous and action-packed tale. You sure wrote those 1,499 words.
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Xenon wrote...
Since I can't comment on improving basically anything pertaining to the rules, I'd just like to report to you that I read it and it seemed like a very adventurous and action-packed tale. You sure wrote those 1,499 words.Thanks. Soooooo . . . Did you like it?
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Xenon
FAKKU Writer
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Thanks. Soooooo . . . Did you like it?I like pretty much everything you produce that I read, d. I'll be more thorough when the contest is over, though.
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Hm... interesting. A tale of friendship fostered in such a tense moment. Well, as a soldier would say: "The strongest bonds are those formed in battle." I'd say that would qualify quite well for the two. I'm curious as to what was inside the mystery box. Part of me wanted to believe it was Kryptonite. I was also at awe at the thought of a hundred story building. One which said mystery box fell from. It makes me even more curious. Other than that, it seemed like a fun summer day with a fun summer shenanigan.
I have never read anything of yours, d, so this was quite the experience. Your writing is definitely more refined than mine in the grammar and punctuation area. I would do well to take notes and follow in example. Some of the word choices were great as well. They helped add to the quality of the work and nothing felt repetitive. My only complaint is that I did catch one spelling error and I think their were a few perspective oddities. This otherwise third-person story went first-person at two points. I could have misread or missed your intention, but I'm fairly sure that the perspectives switches were mistakes.
I have never read anything of yours, d, so this was quite the experience. Your writing is definitely more refined than mine in the grammar and punctuation area. I would do well to take notes and follow in example. Some of the word choices were great as well. They helped add to the quality of the work and nothing felt repetitive. My only complaint is that I did catch one spelling error and I think their were a few perspective oddities. This otherwise third-person story went first-person at two points. I could have misread or missed your intention, but I'm fairly sure that the perspectives switches were mistakes.
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crazr wrote...
I'm curious as to what was inside the mystery box. Part of me wanted to believe it was Kryptonite.I came up with a number of ideas while brainstorming for this story, but I decided it would be funner to let readers decide for themselves. Also, at the end of the day, the story isn't about the contents of the box.
Other than that, it seemed like a fun summer day with a fun summer shenanigan.
In a nut shell, the concept for this story was to take a slice of life story about kids having fun during summer and put a sci-fi twist on it.
I have never read anything of yours, d, so this was quite the experience.
Really? Might I recommend a few other things I've written and posted here?
Are You Innocent? is pretty short and similar to this in that it has a lot of action. And there's The Tempest, which is a bit more of a time sink at over 12,000 words. It's my attempt at the boy-meets-girl-with-crazy-powers story.
Your writing is definitely more refined than mine in the grammar and punctuation area. I would do well to take notes and follow in example. Some of the word choices were great as well.
Thank your for the kind words.
My only complaint is that I did catch one spelling error and I think their were a few perspective oddities. This otherwise third-person story went first-person at two points. I could have misread or missed your intention, but I'm fairly sure that the perspectives switches were mistakes.
I still haven't edited this yet aside from a couple mistakes I caught while posting it. The change in view point is due to my brain, being the bastard that is, not doing what I want it to do all of the time.
Are you going to submit something for the contest?
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You deserve the praise, so no thanks are necessary. I will get around to reading your works as soon as I can. Lethargy has taken over me and I haven't read a request from my line of requests nor written anything new in days. I need to find my spark again, haha... I know the cause is having too much free time, so I'm trying to see what I can do in a day to prevent that. With video games no longer being an option, I might take up some other hobbies that'll get my mind going.
Hm... the deadline is at the end of July, so like Xenon, I am procrastinating. Hopefully, I actually do write something time. We shall see come the end of the month. I was thinking of writing a short romance between two of my characters in my most recent story, but I don't know if I can fit it in 1500 words. Once again, I guess we shall see...
Hm... the deadline is at the end of July, so like Xenon, I am procrastinating. Hopefully, I actually do write something time. We shall see come the end of the month. I was thinking of writing a short romance between two of my characters in my most recent story, but I don't know if I can fit it in 1500 words. Once again, I guess we shall see...
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crazr wrote...
Lethargy has taken over me and I haven't read a request from my line of requests nor written anything new in days.I know the feeling. I've gone almost as long as a month without writing a single word.
I was thinking of writing a short romance between two of my characters in my most recent story, but I don't know if I can fit it in 1500 words. Once again, I guess we shall see...
A word of advice, which by the way isn't against the rules at all. There is nothing about giving advice on writing short stories in general! Anyway, this isn't something I just made up. It's something I've heard from a professional author, and that is, "In late, out early." Start with the action and end immediately after.
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The only gripe I have with this is that the kids wouldn't have been able to outrun an adult, esp. in this scenario where they are running in an empty street. It occurs way to often in fiction, specifically televised fiction.
Meh, I expected something better.
Beck withdrew the wrapper from his own candy from his pocket. He gave it to Jordan who smoothed it out. On the inside was a phone number.
Meh, I expected something better.
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The Logophile wrote...
The only gripe I have with this is that the kids wouldn't have been able to outrun an adult, esp. in this scenario where they are running in an empty street. It occurs way to often in fiction, specifically televised fiction.I never stopped to think about that, but now that I do, it makes perfect sense. If nothing else, an adult's legs will be longer (unless they're a little person). I will pull the excuse out of my ass that Beck and Jordan surprise the criminal, and technically speaking, they don't outrun him.
Meh, I expected something better.
Originally, it was going to be a bar code thing that gave them access to a personal express elevator to the top of the city that the business man uses. I could not think of a way to cram that in though.
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Well, that's one way to build a relationship! People usually link summer with vacations, the beach, outings, et cetera so it's really refreshing to read a summer story that doesn't have those factors.
I'm still curious as to what the box is and what it contains since it was sturdy enough to fall from a bridge/building and still be in perfect condition. Was it made of Nokia 3310s or something?
I'm still curious as to what the box is and what it contains since it was sturdy enough to fall from a bridge/building and still be in perfect condition. Was it made of Nokia 3310s or something?
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RavenxSinon wrote...
Well, that's one way to build a relationship! People usually link summer with vacations, the beach, outings, et cetera so it's really refreshing to read a summer story that doesn't have those factors. Thanks. Although, when writing it, I was more concerned with being too different rather than being too similar to other summer stories.
I'm still curious as to what the box is and what it contains since it was sturdy enough to fall from a bridge/building and still be in perfect condition. Was it made of Nokia 3310s or something?
In the future, Nintendo has branched out and makes strongboxes in addition to games.
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This is a good break from all the entries about frustrated love. Your story leaning towards action, d, makes it already a unique entry since none I have read had this much pace and, well, action. The way you put the end to this, is it right to expect a sequel?
I think you did quite well in making the lead characters different from each other. And now thinking about it, I wish the story was narrated by Beck instead. Jordan seemed weak to me, gay even, and his inferiorities sometimes distract me from the story at hand. (In fact, he feels like a movie character stereotype). Beck will add more rush, more color, more excitement . That’s more summer.
Anyway, this is just me. All in all I enjoyed the story. I mean, this is what’s good with writing contests. You get to read many different stories from different people.
I think you did quite well in making the lead characters different from each other. And now thinking about it, I wish the story was narrated by Beck instead. Jordan seemed weak to me, gay even, and his inferiorities sometimes distract me from the story at hand. (In fact, he feels like a movie character stereotype). Beck will add more rush, more color, more excitement . That’s more summer.
Anyway, this is just me. All in all I enjoyed the story. I mean, this is what’s good with writing contests. You get to read many different stories from different people.
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Chronus14 wrote...
This is a good break from all the entries about frustrated love. Your story leaning towards action, d, makes it already a unique entry since none I have read had this much pace and, well, action.That's part of the reason I chose to do a story like this. I figured most people would either do love stories or typical slice-of-life stories, not that there's anything wrong with those kinds of stories. I like them as well. But I also like action packed fantasy and sci-fi.
The way you put the end to this, is it right to expect a sequel?
Nope. As weird as this might sound, almost from the get-go, I knew this would be a stand alone story with a cliffhanger-ish ending.
And now thinking about it, I wish the story was narrated by Beck instead. Jordan seemed weak to me, gay even, and his inferiorities sometimes distract me from the story at hand. (In fact, he feels like a movie character stereotype). Beck will add more rush, more color, more excitement . That’s more summer.
My goal with Jordan was to create an easily relateable character. I wanted to do something with an average guy getting caught up in something extraordinary. I don't necessarily think Beck should be the main character instead, but I do think that Jordan's role in the story as is may be too passive.
Anyway, this is just me. All in all I enjoyed the story. I mean, this is what’s good with writing contests. You get to read many different stories from different people.
Thanks.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
finally read it. kidsthesedays.jpg.
was a nice read but i still didnt see, if there was any, what the point was...
was a nice read but i still didnt see, if there was any, what the point was...
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mibuchiha wrote...
finally read it. kidsthesedays.jpg.was a nice read but i still didnt see, if there was any, what the point was...
I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and say the ending didn't payoff, and that could be a result of me not setting up for it properly.
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Xenon
FAKKU Writer
As a whole, the story is fast-paced and mysterious enough to maintain interest. The perspective it's written from to be innocent youth is effective and done well. Personally, I'm not too much a fan of stories where something isn't even bothered to be explained or extrapolated on, and there are several things like that in this story of course, but I can see it as appealing in its own right. Granted, the perspective was from a child who wouldn't know those things, but also the futuristic gun too. This is actually reminiscent of your previous entry where a gun pulled took place in a past setting. This seems to be a reverse situation.
Anyway, to digress, I also don't feel like this really fits the theme so well. There was almost no plot reliance on it being summer. Remove the parts where you mention it and the story still stands on its own, so why does the fact that it's summer even matter asides from providing Jordan a reason for playing outside to stumble on the box? I'm not going to hamper your creativity, but I did feel it was a little on the low side. I suppose it's like a summer adventure for two kids struggling to find something to do with their spare time, I know I've been there. I guess I'm okay with it, but felt I'd let you know anyway. I did like it, but that is because I'm fairly easy to please when it's not my job to poke holes all over it.
Anyway, included are the spots I noted while re-reading it:
An overused cliche of an analogy, and one that doesn't apply well since people don't usually run their hands along butter to note its smoothness.
You should keep consistent in your choice of past tense.
I feel this could have been part of the previous paragraph, and also could not have begun with "and." I'm trying to feel for the literary voice you've settled on, but it just seems like an exaggeration to demand a new paragraph.
I thought he was in an alley? There should be two walls, so "a wall" is preferable over "the wall."
Heft it in one hand, or heft it one-handed. And tight fit? Is he wearing the box?
Such repetitious use of "from his" so close to each other, I felt it could have been reworded for smoother effect.
Anyway, to digress, I also don't feel like this really fits the theme so well. There was almost no plot reliance on it being summer. Remove the parts where you mention it and the story still stands on its own, so why does the fact that it's summer even matter asides from providing Jordan a reason for playing outside to stumble on the box? I'm not going to hamper your creativity, but I did feel it was a little on the low side. I suppose it's like a summer adventure for two kids struggling to find something to do with their spare time, I know I've been there. I guess I'm okay with it, but felt I'd let you know anyway. I did like it, but that is because I'm fairly easy to please when it's not my job to poke holes all over it.
Anyway, included are the spots I noted while re-reading it:
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
"He expected the box to be damaged or at least scratched, but when he ran his hand over the metallic surface, it was smooth as butter."An overused cliche of an analogy, and one that doesn't apply well since people don't usually run their hands along butter to note its smoothness.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Jordan left the park and followed the street, the box nestled in the crook of his arm glowing light-blue from the UV streetlights.You should keep consistent in your choice of past tense.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
And if Jordan was being entirely honest, he was too.I feel this could have been part of the previous paragraph, and also could not have begun with "and." I'm trying to feel for the literary voice you've settled on, but it just seems like an exaggeration to demand a new paragraph.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Jordan backed into the wall.I thought he was in an alley? There should be two walls, so "a wall" is preferable over "the wall."
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Despite not being any older, Beck managed to heft it one hand though it was a tight fit.Heft it in one hand, or heft it one-handed. And tight fit? Is he wearing the box?
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Beck withdrew the wrapper from his own candy from his pocket.Such repetitious use of "from his" so close to each other, I felt it could have been reworded for smoother effect.
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Xenon wrote...
This is actually reminiscent of your previous entry where a gun pulled took place in a past setting. This seems to be a reverse situation.I don't think having a gun pulled out is an uncommon thing in fiction.
Anyway, to digress, I also don't feel like this really fits the theme so well. There was almost no plot reliance on it being summer. Remove the parts where you mention it and the story still stands on its own, so why does the fact that it's summer even matter asides from providing Jordan a reason for playing outside to stumble on the box?
Maybe, but that's what I think of when I think of summer. Kids going out and having fun. I'm not saying I couldn't have made it more summer-ish, but when I wrote it, I thought it was enough.
I'm not going to hamper your creativity, but I did feel it was a little on the low side.
Noted.
You should keep consistent in your choice of past tense.
Should have been a comma between 'arm' and 'glowing.'
I feel this could have been part of the previous paragraph, and also could not have begun with "and." I'm trying to feel for the literary voice you've settled on, but it just seems like an exaggeration to demand a new paragraph.
There's nothing wrong with starting sentences with and! But you're right about the fact that making it its own paragraph is a bit too much.
Heft it in one hand, or heft it one-handed. And tight fit? Is he wearing the box?
Missing a word, and it's a tight fit in his hand . . .
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Xenon
FAKKU Writer
Potato Chips and Machine Guns is still my favorite contest work you've done. Strike was pretty good too, but only after it stopped being a contest entry.
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Xenon wrote...
Potato Chips and Machine Guns is still my favorite contest work you've done. Strike was pretty good too, but only after it stopped being a contest entry.When I first glanced over this, I thought you were saying that Potato Chips didn't stick to the theme that well. I was about to say. Literally the only cold-related thing I came up with that I didn't jam in there was having it take place during the Cold War.
If we count 'contests' that didn't have prizes, I'd say my favorite entry that I've submitted is The Tempest except for the ending which I hate now. Out of yours that you've done since I've been an active member, I like Chronos' Purgatory the most.