We are currently experiencing payment processing issues. Our team is working to resolve the problem as quickly as possible. Thank you for your patience
[Summer Contest Entry 2015] Skyhigh
1
xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
Unlike a lot of the other entries, your story is filled with a lot of fun, adventure, and innocence. I think it really captures a side of summer that doesn’t really come to mind for most people, something that’s a little lost as you get older. It’s about being a kid and everything it entails. Not knowing a lot of stuff, being scared, making friends, and doing things that would risk your life just because. There are some obvious questions about the setting, but none of that is really the focus, and I find that pretty interesting. It’s all about Jordan and Beck and their adventure together.
My biggest gripes with your story are relatively minor. Someone pointed out that kids shouldn’t be outrunning adults, I thought the same. Also, what the heck, this box is falling from who knows where, and it survives. That’s a hella crazy box. Not to mention that the box is seemingly light enough for kids to carry, but strong enough to house something incredibly important.
You know, at first when I read it I thought Beck had written his phone number down to give to Jordan in some convoluted way of showing he wanted to be friends. Now that I think about it, Beck wouldn’t really do that. Now I feel silly, but I’m glad the candy has more meaning than just a little reward for risking their lives. It makes me wonder where their next adventure takes them.
I kind of wish I could be more critical to help you out, but I really thought your work was great. I like the structure and the fast paced nature of the story, as well as how the story slows down to a resolution that lends itself to a continuation. It reads like the end of an early chapter in a book, and I like that. You were pushing for 1st! Fantastic story in a very intriguing setting that makes me want to know more (as usual with your stories…). Do you plan on following it up?
I see no easy grammar/spelling mistakes; at least none that I have picked up on.
My biggest gripes with your story are relatively minor. Someone pointed out that kids shouldn’t be outrunning adults, I thought the same. Also, what the heck, this box is falling from who knows where, and it survives. That’s a hella crazy box. Not to mention that the box is seemingly light enough for kids to carry, but strong enough to house something incredibly important.
You know, at first when I read it I thought Beck had written his phone number down to give to Jordan in some convoluted way of showing he wanted to be friends. Now that I think about it, Beck wouldn’t really do that. Now I feel silly, but I’m glad the candy has more meaning than just a little reward for risking their lives. It makes me wonder where their next adventure takes them.
I kind of wish I could be more critical to help you out, but I really thought your work was great. I like the structure and the fast paced nature of the story, as well as how the story slows down to a resolution that lends itself to a continuation. It reads like the end of an early chapter in a book, and I like that. You were pushing for 1st! Fantastic story in a very intriguing setting that makes me want to know more (as usual with your stories…). Do you plan on following it up?
I see no easy grammar/spelling mistakes; at least none that I have picked up on.
0
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
When I first glanced over this, I thought you were saying that Potato Chips didn't stick to the theme that well. I was about to say. Literally the only cold-related thing I came up with that I didn't jam in there was having it take place during the Cold War.If we count 'contests' that didn't have prizes, I'd say my favorite entry that I've submitted is The Tempest except for the ending which I hate now. Out of yours that you've done since I've been an active member, I like Chronos' Purgatory the most.
There were definitely significantly colder things in that work, namely the death of employees and the seeming disinterest and lack of emotion and care of the project heads, but more importantly the reason I liked it the most was that it consisted of calm shorts taken from the perspectives of different people, out of seemingly normal things like crosswords, despite the dark atmosphere of the conditions and war-like status that took place. Plus the end with the guy nearly breaking down, it was pretty intense.
Someday I will consider the possibility of what it would be like to read The Tempest, pretty soon. Maybe. If I'm lucky... Sorry about that.
2
xninebreaker wrote...
You know, at first when I read it I thought Beck had written his phone number down to give to Jordan in some convoluted way of showing he wanted to be friends.That did not occur to me. I see how someone could come to that conclusion though I'm not sure what I could do to prevent that.
I mentioned it in another post, I don't know if you saw it or not, but there are elevators that take people to what I like to call the upper city, which is all the bridges and structures that connect the buildings super high up. The businessman has his own private elevator, and the candy wrappers were originally going to have bar codes that would give Jordan and Beck access to his elevator. But I had to cut that for the sake of word count.
I kind of wish I could be more critical to help you out, but I really thought your work was great. I like the structure and the fast paced nature of the story, as well as how the story slows down to a resolution that lends itself to a continuation. It reads like the end of an early chapter in a book, and I like that. You were pushing for 1st! Fantastic story in a very intriguing setting that makes me want to know more (as usual with your stories…). Do you plan on following it up?
Thanks for the praise. I currently have no plans to follow it up though, and that's partly because I'm just busy with other stuff.
Also, what the heck, this box is falling from who knows where, and it survives. That’s a hella crazy box. Not to mention that the box is seemingly light enough for kids to carry, but strong enough to house something incredibly important.
My answer to that is since because sci-fi.
1
Xenon wrote...
There were definitely significantly colder things in that work, namely the death of employees and the seeming disinterest and lack of emotion and care of the project heads, but more importantly the reason I liked it the most was that it consisted of calm shorts taken from the perspectives of different people, out of seemingly normal things like crosswords, despite the dark atmosphere of the conditions and war-like status that took place. Plus the end with the guy nearly breaking down, it was pretty intense.The major idea behind that story besides the cold stuff was to take some people who on one hand are just like you and me but on the other hand, are horrible and blow other people up without blinking an eye. I actually was inspired by the zombie dlc from the first Borderlands game. I remember this one audio log in particular where the mad scientist guy is yelling at his assistant for eating popcorn while working. In fact, I sorta kind stole that joke for my story.
Someday I will consider the possibility of what it would be like to read The Tempest, pretty soon. Maybe. If I'm lucky... Sorry about that.
So someday, luck permitting, you will maybe consider the possibility of reading it? Aight, looking forward to it!
I didn't bring it up just to badger you about it, by the way.