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[Summer Contest Entry 2015] The Tragedy of Venus de Milo
1
Xenon wrote...
At least they ended up being a statue this time and not, you know, CatDog.To be honest, I have no idea what possessed me to write about CatDog haha. I actually tried to not kill someone for once, but well... that didn't work. Thanks for taking the time to read my entry!
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Xenon
FAKKU Writer
RavenxSinon wrote...
To be honest, I have no idea what possessed me to write about CatDog haha. I actually tried to not kill someone for once, but well... that didn't work. Thanks for taking the time to read my entry!Well, I guess you can't kill a statue, sort of. There's that. Arguable whether that's preferable to an eternity of mental anguish and torture after losing a love interest.
I'll post more thoroughly on my thoughts about it after the contest, of course. Just wanted to send you a little note for now.
Also, I thought this might seem amusing you, I'm not sure if you noticed this, but you really seem to specialize in symbology within your writing. Looking at your past four submissions, they all are about something that is revealed to be something else not quite human, despite having the mentality and emotions of one. I find this fascinating.
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Xenon wrote...
I'll post more thoroughly on my thoughts about it after the contest, of course. Just wanted to send you a little note for now.
I look forward to it.
Xenon wrote...
Also, I thought this might seem amusing you, I'm not sure if you noticed this, but you really seem to specialize in symbology within your writing. Looking at your past four submissions, they all are about something that is revealed to be something else not quite human, despite having the mentality and emotions of one. I find this fascinating.
I'm actually still finding myself in terms of how I write. I guess those ideas show up when I brainstorm because I tend to look for humanity in inhuman things. Thanks for pointing that out!
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Finally got a chance to read this submission. To write via the perspective on something inanimate and personify it is quite impressive. Even though Venus is no more than a statue, I felt a sense of emotion. It wasn't much, but it was enough to elicit something. I enjoyed the added corrections at the end. Nicely done.
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crazr wrote...
Finally got a chance to read this submission. To write via the perspective on something inanimate and personify it is quite impressive. Even though Venus is no more than a statue, I felt a sense of emotion. It wasn't much, but it was enough to elicit something. I enjoyed the added corrections at the end. Nicely done.I'll still edit it a bit and see if I can get it to be a bit more dramatic. One of the flaws that most of my works seem to possess is the lack of impact after all. Thanks for the comment!
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RavenxSinon wrote...
I'll still edit it a bit and see if I can get it to be a bit more dramatic. One of the flaws that most of my works seem to possess is the lack of impact after all. Thanks for the comment!Well, it's difficult to produce impact sometimes in regards to inanimate objects. And no thanks are necessary, it was the least I could do. Thank you for reading my story.
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It doesn't tell me anything. When you wrote this, why is there no message, why is the theme closed on romanticism soliloquy? but it tells me nothing about romance.
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KozWanderer wrote...
It doesn't tell me anything. When you wrote this, why is there no message, why is the theme closed on romanticism soliloquy? but it tells me nothing about romance.I see. My apologies if I wasn't able to convey the message clear enough. I'll keep your comment in mind as I edit my entry.
I wrote it as a soliloquy because my goal was for the readers to be able to empathize more with the feelings of the Venus de Milo, specifically about how she felt powerless, and her melancholy over losing the one thing she found happiness in after two millennia (the caretaker and her one-way love for him; hence "bask in the glory of my unrequited love")
Considering your comment, I guess there's a lot I would still have to improve on in my story. Thank you very much!
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I liked how you didn’t try to hide the main character to us in order to make a twist in the end. Some stories might benefit on such technique, but maybe not in this one – so great job for that. I would have loved to see more unique personality from Venus, aside from an ordinary woman with an unrequited love. Was she flirtatious? Sophisticated? Hot-headed? Her physical inabilities aside, her personality looked weak, which is opposed to my idea of Venus. I also expected some references to Greek mythology, but this is a short story, so who am I kidding.
There’s a time when I felt the story is bombarded with too many questions. Although I should say that the first few paragraphs are really interesting. Compelling, even. Overall, I liked it.
There’s a time when I felt the story is bombarded with too many questions. Although I should say that the first few paragraphs are really interesting. Compelling, even. Overall, I liked it.
1
Chronus14 wrote...
I liked how you didn’t try to hide the main character to us in order to make a twist in the end. Some stories might benefit on such technique, but maybe not in this one – so great job for that. I would have loved to see more unique personality from Venus, aside from an ordinary woman with an unrequited love. Was she flirtatious? Sophisticated? Hot-headed? Her physical inabilities aside, her personality looked weak, which is opposed to my idea of Venus. I also expected some references to Greek mythology, but this is a short story, so who am I kidding.There’s a time when I felt the story is bombarded with too many questions. Although I should say that the first few paragraphs are really interesting. Compelling, even. Overall, I liked it.
Alright. I'll try to make Venus de Milo's personality more distinct. Also, sorry if it wasn't clear but the Venus de Milo statue in this story isn't really an "incarnation" of Venus. My idea was that she's a seperate entity. I intended to make her have a weak personality so that the goddess Venus's strong personality would contrast hers. I'll make it more evident as I make my edits.
My goal for the questions was to show her introspection, wherein I intended to make the readers empathize better with Venus de Milo. I guess I'll tone the questions down a bit or arrange and distribute them better.
Thanks for the feedback!
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Considering your comment, I guess there's a lot I would still have to improve on in my story. Thank you very much!
What already contrast Venus de milo from every other girl is her beauty. This plays a much bigger role and those qualities are highly acknowledged in society, so to speak of their imagery and environment. Many classical scripting involves lots of descriptions under the nature of character, the scenery packed and story shifts around the character. Ok i deleted dis part
You said you want to accumulate readers for empathy, but by introducing the character immediately which expands upon story telling and sobbing. It's easily taken a step into quicksand. You can be writing intuitively but accordance with familiarisation to have relation to the character. Think about depression, get close to the feelings of those moments and elapse words that are meaningful and impactful.
Here, on your first paragraph, you had venus describe the man's behaviour. But because it's a very sudden situation, no one would really become immersed. On your second paragraph, she tells her emotions and how she's obstructed from expression.
That voicelessness, no way of communicating opens for the reader's empathy. When you have no ability to convey yourself, it's clear this should mean more than just a sentence. Now if she grieves so much about inability, it's important that readers understand the metaphysics. What makes it difficult to notice and sympathise, is that I am not familiar with the characters. It's either you overwhelmed me with wording, since there's a number of mechanisms beforehand.
I liked how you didn’t try to hide the main character to us in order to make a twist in the end. Some stories might benefit on such technique, but maybe not in this one – so great job for that. I would have loved to see more unique personality from Venus, aside from an ordinary woman with an unrequited love. Was she flirtatious? Sophisticated? Hot-headed? Her physical inabilities aside, her personality looked weak, which is opposed to my idea of Venus. I also expected some references to Greek mythology, but this is a short story, so who am I kidding.
There’s a time when I felt the story is bombarded with too many questions. Although I should say that the first few paragraphs are really interesting. Compelling, even. Overall, I liked it. "Tonight, however, those joyous days faded into oblivion.
There’s a time when I felt the story is bombarded with too many questions. Although I should say that the first few paragraphs are really interesting. Compelling, even. Overall, I liked it. "Tonight, however, those joyous days faded into oblivion.
(Typing to Sinon)
When he said "I would love to see more unique personality from Venus, aside from an ordinary women with an unrequited love" His in fact claiming Venus yet not to perceive anything substantial which makes venus different. Venus is very unique, it's just because you weren't particularly showing him Venus as an character and instead. More of her sympathy, and which Chronus directed as personality.
Venus is beautiful, she's a goddess, she's an deliverer. But you didn't tell the right things that makes venus anymore complex than an average women.
Edit: not needed parts
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Even as I was unearthed from my dwelling place in Milos
I got to this point and was like, "Oh shit, the narrator is totally a statue!" and was afraid that this was going to be a big twist at the end. But then you squash all worries I had about that in the same paragraph.
The onslaught of questions toward the end was a bit too much though.
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Xenon
FAKKU Writer
I really loved this story to the point I thought it might win. You do a great job of eliminating typos, as is typical of your entries so far, but because of the style and literary voice to be that of a lamenting and melancholy monologue, it leads to some oddly configured sentences that seem to come off as fragments, though arguments could be made to the contrary.
Certain sentences that pop out to me are "Intimacy that made me experience what it was like being human." and "Watch as you were being slaughtered before me." The awkward feeling comes from the fact that these sentences are carrying over information from the previous sentences. This tends to happen in monologues that are akin to journals, but I'm unsure about their legitimacy in proper grammar. Some people love and feel for the emotion in these sad and depressing expositions, but I suppose they are not for everyone. I adored it, however.
Certain sentences that pop out to me are "Intimacy that made me experience what it was like being human." and "Watch as you were being slaughtered before me." The awkward feeling comes from the fact that these sentences are carrying over information from the previous sentences. This tends to happen in monologues that are akin to journals, but I'm unsure about their legitimacy in proper grammar. Some people love and feel for the emotion in these sad and depressing expositions, but I suppose they are not for everyone. I adored it, however.
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Xenon wrote...
I really loved this story to the point I thought it might win. Xenon wrote...
I adored it, however.I am honored that you think so highly of this work.
Xenon wrote...
Certain sentences that pop out to me are "Intimacy that made me experience what it was like being human." and "Watch as you were being slaughtered before me." The awkward feeling comes from the fact that these sentences are carrying over information from the previous sentences.I guess it would have been better if the sentences you pointed out were preceded by a semicolon rather than a period.
Thanks again for taking your time to read and comment on my work and congratulations on your victory!
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In addition to what I said in my other post, I think the biggest problem I have with this is the number of a paragraphs. I feel that a lot of them could be combined. The benefit of using short paragraphs is that it gives the story a faster pace. However, it also makes it feel more choppy, and because there's little variance here, it almost feels like one big rush to the end.
Should be 'have'
Should be 'burns'
Missing 'has' between them
I don't know about back then, but reporters don't announce dates like that do they? If this appeared in a newspaper, which is how I imagine it, the date's already at the top of the paper.
“The boss told me they no longer had a need for an elderly caretaker like me.
Should be 'have'
I possess the ability to think and within me burn the same sentiments that drive their wills.
Should be 'burns'
What cruelty have I done in my past lives that damned me into having to bear such agony?
Missing 'has' between them
This morning, the twenty first of August in the year 1911,
I don't know about back then, but reporters don't announce dates like that do they? If this appeared in a newspaper, which is how I imagine it, the date's already at the top of the paper.
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d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
In addition to what I said in my other post, I think the biggest problem I have with this is the number of a paragraphs. I feel that a lot of them could be combined. The benefit of using short paragraphs is that it gives the story a faster pace. However, it also makes it feel more choppy, and because there's little variance here, it almost feels like one big rush to the end.Oh, I see. To be honest, I just split the paragraphs however I felt. I'll have to keep that in mind for my future works and as I edit my previous ones.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
“The boss told me they no longer had a need for an elderly caretaker like me.
Should be 'have'
I possess the ability to think and within me burn the same sentiments that drive their wills.
Should be 'burns'
What cruelty have I done in my past lives that damned me into having to bear such agony?
Missing 'has' between them
Yeah, I'll have to work on my grammar with respect to verb tenses. For some reason, it's the part I'm most iffy in when I edit stuff.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
This morning, the twenty first of August in the year 1911,
I don't know about back then, but reporters don't announce dates like that do they? If this appeared in a newspaper, which is how I imagine it, the date's already at the top of the paper.
Good point...
Thanks for the comments and corrections. I guess I need to up my game when it comes to editing haha. Congratulations on your win!
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Oh, I see. To be honest, I just split the paragraphs however I felt. I'll have to keep that in mind for my future works and as I edit my previous ones.
Paragraphing can be more important than some people realize, I think. Simply combining two sentences into one paragraph can have a drastically different effect on a scene. In contrast, if you have long paragraphs and then a paragraph in the middle that's only one sentence long, it puts a lot of emphasis on that sentence.
Yeah, I'll have to work on my grammar with respect to verb tenses. For some reason, it's the part I'm most iffy in when I edit stuff.
Don't beat yourself up over it. The small mistakes are usually the ones that go unnoticed, and it's much harder to spot mistakes in our own work than in someone else's.
Thanks for the comments and corrections. I guess I need to up my game when it comes to editing haha. Congratulations on your win!
Don't mention it, and thanks.