We are currently experiencing payment processing issues. Our team is working to resolve the problem as quickly as possible. Thank you for your patience
The Tempest
1
Joseph Kite's life is far from perfect, but he makes the best of it. That is until he crosses his mysterious employers to help a girl of unknown origins escape a top secret lab. Now he'll be lucky if he makes it to the end of the day.
EDIT: 2/4/2014: Changed the ending of Chapter 12
Prologue: Life or death
Chapter 1: A slight disturbance at the office
Chapter 2: It's not what you think it is
Chapter 3: My reality
Chapter 4: Her name is Em
Chapter 5: That one call you never want to have
Chapter 6: On hair
Chapter 7: Differences
Chapter 8: Choices to make and sandwiches to eat
Chapter 9: Confrontation
Chapter 10: Chillin' with Fred
Chapter 11: Berzerk
Chapter 12: Cartels and hospital food
EDIT: 2/4/2014: Changed the ending of Chapter 12
Prologue: Life or death
Spoiler:
Chapter 1: A slight disturbance at the office
Spoiler:
Chapter 2: It's not what you think it is
Spoiler:
Chapter 3: My reality
Spoiler:
Chapter 4: Her name is Em
Spoiler:
Chapter 5: That one call you never want to have
Spoiler:
Chapter 6: On hair
Spoiler:
Chapter 7: Differences
Spoiler:
Chapter 8: Choices to make and sandwiches to eat
Spoiler:
Chapter 9: Confrontation
Spoiler:
Chapter 10: Chillin' with Fred
Spoiler:
Chapter 11: Berzerk
Spoiler:
Chapter 12: Cartels and hospital food
Spoiler:
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I have to commend you on the prologue. Never have I seen such a brief (meaning good; why be complex when you can be simple?) establishment of character and setting. While I much prefer non-fictional descriptions of the universe like the prologue of Lord of the Rings where the author goes into the history and origins of where our heroes come from (the Shire) and conclude the story with a tome of Appendices, I do realise that this story is not exactly fantasy.
I did say that I liked the story but only after reading the first chapter again, again and again. Once I had an idea what happened in the first chapter, the rest of the story fell into place. I need not bother about Em's antics described very well in the following chapters too much. The most important thing in the story was how to deal with her and who she was.
I felt that I was reading Jericho Antares' Winter Contest Non-Entry where the introduction to both characters and setting but it is delivered through dialogue. This presents a few problems for this reader:
1. I can't speed read through the story which is what I do when reading essays and newspaper articles. Important points could be made at the tail end of a dialogue.
Take the dialogue with Fred where the plot takes a backseat and we see a digression about his writing. (What does "Straight to Benjamins" mean?) I believe the main point of visiting Fred was to seek help from him.
I think the introduction was the same where I had to make sense of how being invited to a party and taking over guard duty were relevant to the story. Were Arthur, Bobby and Stephen important characters? (It appears that the answers to my questions were 'no'. Did tell me how our hero felt about his job though.)
2. People who engage in dialogue already know what is happening so they are less likely to bother to orientate the reader on what exactly is happening. In order to find out what is going on, I had to read again. (Though the dialogue between who I suspect is Fred, Arthur and Stephen was really of no consequence to the story. I am of the opinion that the first chapter can begin by going straight to how our hero found Em.)
That is not to say that the dialogue was that much of a problem. It is not to my taste as evidenced from my entry where I put in zero dialogue even though they are plenty of opportunities for me to do so. I thought the naming of your chapters could serve as the remedy to that problem. For example, Chapter 1 can be called "I Found This Lady". Chapter 2 can be called, "I Took Her Home". Chapter 11, "She Saved My Life." Chapter 12 "What on Earth Happened?!" and so on. It summarises the story and the chapters which is what this particular reader likes.
The focus of this story appear to be on the appeal of our hero of a security guard and Em. (That was what I enjoyed and also the reason why I will go too much in detail because it is so much easier to talk about things I don't like.)
I wish that there was more exposition (one of my pet peeves) on what Em was and on what I thought to be the third most important character in the story, the unnamed villain and his motivations. There were a few guesses and speculations but I feel that Em could have explained to our hero what her origins were, our hero could have learnt more about the villain and his bosses perhaps through newspaper reports, company documents or Em herself.
I did not really get the climax of the story where the villain introduced himself and when the villain attacked our heroes in Fred's house. Part of the reason was because the story introduces him and his motivations through dialogue that cannot be expository in nature.
I do find it interesting that I am criticising your work for having too little exposition while you are criticising mine for having too much. I have to say that your characters are more easy to sympathise with than mine because of the dialogue and the first person narration. Mine comes off as some person relating a long forgotten tale (which was my intention and also the written style of the original material that I had to parody).
I did say that I liked the story but only after reading the first chapter again, again and again. Once I had an idea what happened in the first chapter, the rest of the story fell into place. I need not bother about Em's antics described very well in the following chapters too much. The most important thing in the story was how to deal with her and who she was.
I felt that I was reading Jericho Antares' Winter Contest Non-Entry where the introduction to both characters and setting but it is delivered through dialogue. This presents a few problems for this reader:
1. I can't speed read through the story which is what I do when reading essays and newspaper articles. Important points could be made at the tail end of a dialogue.
Take the dialogue with Fred where the plot takes a backseat and we see a digression about his writing. (What does "Straight to Benjamins" mean?) I believe the main point of visiting Fred was to seek help from him.
I think the introduction was the same where I had to make sense of how being invited to a party and taking over guard duty were relevant to the story. Were Arthur, Bobby and Stephen important characters? (It appears that the answers to my questions were 'no'. Did tell me how our hero felt about his job though.)
2. People who engage in dialogue already know what is happening so they are less likely to bother to orientate the reader on what exactly is happening. In order to find out what is going on, I had to read again. (Though the dialogue between who I suspect is Fred, Arthur and Stephen was really of no consequence to the story. I am of the opinion that the first chapter can begin by going straight to how our hero found Em.)
That is not to say that the dialogue was that much of a problem. It is not to my taste as evidenced from my entry where I put in zero dialogue even though they are plenty of opportunities for me to do so. I thought the naming of your chapters could serve as the remedy to that problem. For example, Chapter 1 can be called "I Found This Lady". Chapter 2 can be called, "I Took Her Home". Chapter 11, "She Saved My Life." Chapter 12 "What on Earth Happened?!" and so on. It summarises the story and the chapters which is what this particular reader likes.
The focus of this story appear to be on the appeal of our hero of a security guard and Em. (That was what I enjoyed and also the reason why I will go too much in detail because it is so much easier to talk about things I don't like.)
I wish that there was more exposition (one of my pet peeves) on what Em was and on what I thought to be the third most important character in the story, the unnamed villain and his motivations. There were a few guesses and speculations but I feel that Em could have explained to our hero what her origins were, our hero could have learnt more about the villain and his bosses perhaps through newspaper reports, company documents or Em herself.
I did not really get the climax of the story where the villain introduced himself and when the villain attacked our heroes in Fred's house. Part of the reason was because the story introduces him and his motivations through dialogue that cannot be expository in nature.
I do find it interesting that I am criticising your work for having too little exposition while you are criticising mine for having too much. I have to say that your characters are more easy to sympathise with than mine because of the dialogue and the first person narration. Mine comes off as some person relating a long forgotten tale (which was my intention and also the written style of the original material that I had to parody).
1
1. I can't speed read through the story which is what I do when reading essays and newspaper articles. Important points could be made at the tail end of a dialogue.
I hear you, but keep in mind that this isn't an essay or a newspaper article.
Take the dialogue with Fred where the plot takes a backseat and we see a digression about his writing. (What does "Straight to Benjamins" mean?)
In this particular example, Fred's referring to US hundred dollar bills. I made the (probably wrong) assumption that most people would get that reference.
I think the introduction was the same where I had to make sense of how being invited to a party and taking over guard duty were relevant to the story. Were Arthur, Bobby and Stephen important characters? (It appears that the answers to my questions were 'no'. Did tell me how our hero felt about his job though.)
Yeah, the answer's no. These are details that are meant to give you a glimpse at what Joe's normal life is like before the events of the story.
I thought the naming of your chapters could serve as the remedy to that problem. For example, Chapter 1 can be called "I Found This Lady". Chapter 2 can be called, "I Took Her Home". Chapter 11, "She Saved My Life." Chapter 12 "What on Earth Happened?!" and so on. It summarises the story and the chapters which is what this particular reader likes.
Have you watched the anime Baccano? It did something similar to that with its episode titles. I thought of it as weird at first, but it ended up being put to good effect, especially in one of the episodes where the title literally says that several the characters are going to die.
Not to sure about doing it with this however. In keeping with the setup that the story is being told by Joe, I tried coming up with titles that reflect his character.
Part of the reason was because the story introduces him and his motivations through dialogue that cannot be expository in nature.
I found (rather quickly) that one of the pitfalls of doing a story from a very limited 1st person point of view is that it can make it difficult to reveal information that--while pertinent to the story and readers' understanding of it--the main characters has no right to know.
our hero could have learnt more about the villain and his bosses perhaps through newspaper reports, company documents
This could work, but you gotta remember that the villain is very secretive. There sure as hell isn't going to be any newspaper reports. I'd have to put more thought into it, but off the top of my head, I can't think of opportunities where I could easily have Joe come across company documents except the beginning where he's searching through the building. However, that raises another issue. I think that sequence already runs a tad long, and adding a scene where Joe stops to read some documents is only going to make it longer.
I must admit that I also didn't put a whole lot of thought into the background of the villain or his mysterious organization.
There were a few guesses and speculations but I feel that Em could have explained to our hero what her origins were
Perhaps, but the scope of the story needs to be taken into consideration. Were this more on the scope of Age of Anarchy (30,000 words), then yeah. I definitely should have gone into her past more. As is however, I felt that the guesses and speculations would be enough for people to go on.
I do find it interesting that I am criticising your work for having too little exposition while you are criticising mine for having too much.
It is kinda funny, but as I said in my reply to your story, we have different tastes and ideas of the ways things should be done. That or we both just suck at handling exposition and need to find a middle ground, but that couldn't possibly be it, could it?
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Sorry for the late reply. I will take note of the cartoon you have recommended me.
I would like to ask what inspired you to write this story.
And what on earth did our female lead utter in the end?!
I would like to ask what inspired you to write this story.
And what on earth did our female lead utter in the end?!
1
leonard267 wrote...
Sorry for the late reply. I will take note of the cartoon you have recommended me.Don't worry about it. I feel that I should warn you about the show should you decide to watch it though. You know how some shows have episodes where they recap what has happened? Well, that's what the first episode of Baccano! is except it doesn't explain anything. You WILL be confused by it.
I would like to ask what inspired you to write this story.
I came across a random picture on the internet one day of a girl in a tank. I thought to myself, "Why is she in there? What would happen if someone stumbled upon her and she got out?" and my mind took off from there. At the time, I hadn't come up with a story for the Valentine event yet so I decided to go with it for that.
And what on earth did our female lead utter in the end?!
Who knows? Maybe she wanted a baked potato. Those are pretty tasty especially with bacon.
0
well that was a pretty nice read to be said. prolly a bit long but that didn't really bother me when I just tried to broaden my horizons a bit.
a pretty sweet ending. though it might be nicer if you didn't left out the last part of the dialogue about what the girl was saying. still, the kind of ending has a certain charm to it, I guess.
a pretty sweet ending. though it might be nicer if you didn't left out the last part of the dialogue about what the girl was saying. still, the kind of ending has a certain charm to it, I guess.
0
high_time wrote...
well that was a pretty nice read to be said. prolly a bit long but that didn't really bother me when I just tried to broaden my horizons a bit.a pretty sweet ending. though it might be nicer if you didn't left out the last part of the dialogue about what the girl was saying. still, the kind of ending has a certain charm to it, I guess.
Thanks! I already went over what she said in the post above yours.
1
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Thanks! I already went over what she said in the post above yours.I don't know why no one knows. Can't anyone use their imagination? She subconsciously sleep-spoke something following his name, basically the thing he wanted to hear. What do people usually say after someone's name, especially after an intended Valentines Day entry? I'll give you a hint, people: Three words.
I didn't read this yet, by the way. Just the last paragraph because I'm a bastard.
Sorry! I'm desperately trying to finish my own entry.
1
Xenon wrote...
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Thanks! I already went over what she said in the post above yours.I don't know why no one knows. Can't anyone use their imagination? She subconsciously sleep-spoke something following his name, basically the thing he wanted to hear. What do people usually say after someone's name, especially after an intended Valentines Day entry? I'll give you a hint, people: Three words.
I didn't read this yet, by the way. Just the last paragraph because I'm a bastard.
Sorry! I'm desperately trying to finish my own entry.
I actually do that sometimes when I read books. That is, I skip ahead and read the last few paragraphs of whatever chapter I'm on.
You're hint is spot on. "I love potatoes."
1
I'm sorry to say that the whole arc of the plot feels generic. It's still quite well written. With the exception of the first chapter everything is organised into bite sized bits of reading and despite the aforementioned generic plot the text itself reads smoothly and draws me in.
1
Second_Prototype wrote...
I'm sorry to say that the whole arc of the plot feels generic. It's still quite well written. With the exception of the first chapter everything is organised into bite sized bits of reading and despite the aforementioned generic plot the text itself reads smoothly and draws me in.Thank you. Understandable that the plot feels generic. It's a fairly typical boy-meets-girl kind of thing. I wasn't exactly trying my hardest to make a super unique story here.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I don't agree with the idea that the plot feels generic. The story is reminiscent of the urban legends that we hear every now and then. Definitely a break from reading inner monologues and love stories we so often read in this section.
What I am interested after skimming through this story is what lead to our hero discovering our female lead. Who was the person that sneaked past him at the start of the story?
What I am interested after skimming through this story is what lead to our hero discovering our female lead. Who was the person that sneaked past him at the start of the story?
1
leonard267 wrote...
I don't agree with the idea that the plot feels generic. The story is reminiscent of the urban legends that we hear every now and then. Definitely a break from reading inner monologues and love stories we so often read in this section. What I am interested after skimming through this story is what lead to our hero discovering our female lead. Who was the person that sneaked past him at the start of the story?
Remember Bobby, Joe's security partner who doesn't show up? I was toying with the idea that he saw something he shouldn't have, was captured and used for testing that turned him into some kind of electromagnetic phantom. Maybe that still happened, but for now, in the story Em was charging up her powers to make her escape, and this caused the building's systems to go haywire. Joe only thought he was chasing someone. The rest, such as the noises, was all his imagination.
0
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
So, I've had this story open in a tab on my browser since the last contest as a way to finally get around to it. And despite enigmatically ignoring it for a very long time despite that, I ended up getting sick and feeling melodramatic like I was gonna die, and I couldn't bare the thought of leaving this world leaving my pledge to finally read it unfulfilled, so I have been chipping away at it chapter by chapter the last week or so. So what I'm saying is that now I feel like I can die without disappointing you, d.
Without further ado: better a half-decade late than never.
Tagline summary
Nice, short, sweet, easily can tell what this story will be about. Unsure if people usually think of these kinds of things as spoilers, but I guess the point is to hook you in, isn't it? Difficult to do in the best of times.
Prologue: Life or death
Interesting approach going with an interview. I enjoyed it. I don't know if it makes sense for him to chide himself like he did for forgetting to introduce himself, but I guess it builds his character. I liked the way it led into the story with the last line.
Chapter 1: A slight disturbance at the office
I thought that yo/Joe rhyming thought was amusing. It's becoming apparent through his narration that Joe is a bit of a sociopath in the sense that he doesn't really like anyone he comes into contact with, or at least he mostly comments through his inner monologue various things he dislikes about them. It makes it more flavorful. You managed to create an interesting turn of events here in crafting an aura of mystery. There are some things I would like to know such as why bother having incompetent security team if the research or whatever they're doing is so precious, but perhaps the aim is to be a discreet business and location.
"Slipped me mind?" Is he English?
Not.
it.
Chapter 2: It's not what you think it is
I like the seemingly realistic sense of personality coming from Joe here in this chapter. You have a good way of writing your character's thoughts come alive and splash in some color in the narration that does your story service, at the very least for characterization.
Chapter 3: My reality
The scenes here begin pretty comical, but lead into something very picturesque of classic school anime, imagining the two of them on the roof and a serene environment around them. It's interesting visualizing that and then being confronted by the very blunt question of "what the fuck is going on?" It's quite humorous.
too.
Chapter 4: Her name is Em
Some more classic humor scenes here in this chapter, which I can appreciate for the genre. It does help since I'm familiar with how that style of gag comedy might appear in an anime or something. It's nice to get some more personality in Em's development.
Chapter 5: That one call you never want to have
I really like what you did here when Joe dropped down and you wrote: "I was later told by Em that a whimper escaped my mouth." which gives some depth in how this narration is providing future information, kind of like an interview, which was present before and probably what you were going for since the prologue, but I thought it was particularly nice here because of the characterization of the information shared. Also, you continue with: "I know what you thinking." You're.
Chapter 6: On hair
Very quick chapter about hair. I think they would look like quite the duo with green and purple hair. It does make me wonder why Em thinks purple and green are natural hair colors. Maybe for other experiments. Too bad about the car, let's see how they'll continue on from here.
Chapter 7: Differences
I like the amount of maturity Joe displays here, it feels very right and of course serves to progress the story further. But it still feels like something I wanted to read just at that moment.
Chapter 8: Choices to make and sandwiches to eat
An interesting dining scene with some intrigue and exposition. Makes you wonder why they even bother to go to the trouble of trying not to make a scene when the chances are much larger that a scene will be made anyway.
"Was starting" or just "started."
"...like they were following us."
Chapter 9: Confrontation
Glad that Joe didn't sell her out, although that was expected and natural. The action was exciting and dramatic enough to entertain.
Chapter 10: Chillin' with Fred
I really liked the commentary in Fred's apartment. There was a lot of small things that gave some charm to the scene, even if it seemed a little played out like they weren't in a rush, and I suppose that came back to bite them with how things eventually developed. It was comical and cute when it wanted to be, though.
Her old self.
Toe.
Chance.
Chapter 11: Berzerk
A lot of action here, and for as tacky as this development was with Em and Joe, I appreciated it. Even if I don't think a renewed electric current might help someone regain consciousness after bleeding out from a gunshot wound. But hey, I love good ends.
Worst.
Chapter 12: Cartels and hospital food
Ah, that was a cute ending. I'm not sure I like how there never came any closure to the corporation that did all of the experiments, or how Fred got arrested for something that probably would have resulted in a fine, but I did like the commentary on the reality of the fear of that sort of situation and the lasting affects it can have on someone's psyche. But you know, the plain love there gives me good feelings so I like it. I know this story is now a half decade old and you've undoubtedly grown as a writer since now, but I hope you don't suffer from any embarrassment of how it is looking back on it. It is still plenty charming. Thank you for coming up with it and sharing it with us, even back then.
Lastly, how did you change the ending? What was it before the change?
Without further ado: better a half-decade late than never.
Tagline summary
Nice, short, sweet, easily can tell what this story will be about. Unsure if people usually think of these kinds of things as spoilers, but I guess the point is to hook you in, isn't it? Difficult to do in the best of times.
Prologue: Life or death
Interesting approach going with an interview. I enjoyed it. I don't know if it makes sense for him to chide himself like he did for forgetting to introduce himself, but I guess it builds his character. I liked the way it led into the story with the last line.
Chapter 1: A slight disturbance at the office
I thought that yo/Joe rhyming thought was amusing. It's becoming apparent through his narration that Joe is a bit of a sociopath in the sense that he doesn't really like anyone he comes into contact with, or at least he mostly comments through his inner monologue various things he dislikes about them. It makes it more flavorful. You managed to create an interesting turn of events here in crafting an aura of mystery. There are some things I would like to know such as why bother having incompetent security team if the research or whatever they're doing is so precious, but perhaps the aim is to be a discreet business and location.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
The party had slipped me mind despite my resolve to not let that happen."Slipped me mind?" Is he English?
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
No that it matters; I never saw him again.Not.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Then if felt like a bomb went off in front of me.it.
Chapter 2: It's not what you think it is
I like the seemingly realistic sense of personality coming from Joe here in this chapter. You have a good way of writing your character's thoughts come alive and splash in some color in the narration that does your story service, at the very least for characterization.
Chapter 3: My reality
The scenes here begin pretty comical, but lead into something very picturesque of classic school anime, imagining the two of them on the roof and a serene environment around them. It's interesting visualizing that and then being confronted by the very blunt question of "what the fuck is going on?" It's quite humorous.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
“I’ve got food back in my apartment. A change of clothes for you to.”too.
Chapter 4: Her name is Em
Some more classic humor scenes here in this chapter, which I can appreciate for the genre. It does help since I'm familiar with how that style of gag comedy might appear in an anime or something. It's nice to get some more personality in Em's development.
Chapter 5: That one call you never want to have
I really like what you did here when Joe dropped down and you wrote: "I was later told by Em that a whimper escaped my mouth." which gives some depth in how this narration is providing future information, kind of like an interview, which was present before and probably what you were going for since the prologue, but I thought it was particularly nice here because of the characterization of the information shared. Also, you continue with: "I know what you thinking." You're.
Chapter 6: On hair
Very quick chapter about hair. I think they would look like quite the duo with green and purple hair. It does make me wonder why Em thinks purple and green are natural hair colors. Maybe for other experiments. Too bad about the car, let's see how they'll continue on from here.
Chapter 7: Differences
I like the amount of maturity Joe displays here, it feels very right and of course serves to progress the story further. But it still feels like something I wanted to read just at that moment.
Chapter 8: Choices to make and sandwiches to eat
An interesting dining scene with some intrigue and exposition. Makes you wonder why they even bother to go to the trouble of trying not to make a scene when the chances are much larger that a scene will be made anyway.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
That guy was started to give me the creeps."Was starting" or just "started."
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
I constantly looked this way and that in search of someone who looked like they following us."...like they were following us."
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
If it only it was like the movies where all the bad guys wore suits and sunglasses.Chapter 9: Confrontation
Glad that Joe didn't sell her out, although that was expected and natural. The action was exciting and dramatic enough to entertain.
Chapter 10: Chillin' with Fred
I really liked the commentary in Fred's apartment. There was a lot of small things that gave some charm to the scene, even if it seemed a little played out like they weren't in a rush, and I suppose that came back to bite them with how things eventually developed. It was comical and cute when it wanted to be, though.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Em was more or less back to her old herself by now, which was both good and bad.Her old self.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Men swarmed in from everywhere at once, each armed with machine guns and covered from head to two in black body armor.Toe.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
I shoved him out of the way before he had the change to figure it out himself.Chance.
Chapter 11: Berzerk
A lot of action here, and for as tacky as this development was with Em and Joe, I appreciated it. Even if I don't think a renewed electric current might help someone regain consciousness after bleeding out from a gunshot wound. But hey, I love good ends.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
She had indeed called my name after I got shot, and she feared the worse when I didn’t respond.Worst.
Chapter 12: Cartels and hospital food
Ah, that was a cute ending. I'm not sure I like how there never came any closure to the corporation that did all of the experiments, or how Fred got arrested for something that probably would have resulted in a fine, but I did like the commentary on the reality of the fear of that sort of situation and the lasting affects it can have on someone's psyche. But you know, the plain love there gives me good feelings so I like it. I know this story is now a half decade old and you've undoubtedly grown as a writer since now, but I hope you don't suffer from any embarrassment of how it is looking back on it. It is still plenty charming. Thank you for coming up with it and sharing it with us, even back then.
Lastly, how did you change the ending? What was it before the change?
1
mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Haven't managed to find the time to read it yet, this post is merely a reminder that I ought to do so sometime.
1
Xenon wrote...
So, I've had this story open in a tab on my browser since the last contest as a way to finally get around to it. And despite enigmatically ignoring it for a very long time despite that, I ended up getting sick and feeling melodramatic like I was gonna die, and I couldn't bare the thought of leaving this world leaving my pledge to finally read it unfulfilled, so I have been chipping away at it chapter by chapter the last week or so. So what I'm saying is that now I feel like I can die without disappointing you, d.Appreciate it, but surely you have more important accounts to settle than reading this thing.
I thought that yo/Joe rhyming thought was amusing. It's becoming apparent through his narration that Joe is a bit of a sociopath in the sense that he doesn't really like anyone he comes into contact with, or at least he mostly comments through his inner monologue various things he dislikes about them.
My protagonists are always people I can sympathize with.
here are some things I would like to know such as why bother having incompetent security team if the research or whatever they're doing is so precious, but perhaps the aim is to be a discreet business and location.
That was the idea.
I really like what you did here when Joe dropped down and you wrote: "I was later told by Em that a whimper escaped my mouth." which gives some depth in how this narration is providing future information, kind of like an interview, which was present before and probably what you were going for since the prologue, but I thought it was particularly nice here because of the characterization of the information shared. Also, you continue with: "I know what you thinking." You're.
Not intentional, but I'll take it. A win is a win (even if it's five years old).
Even if I don't think a renewed electric current might help someone regain consciousness after bleeding out from a gunshot wound.
That's totally how it works irl.
Ah, that was a cute ending. I'm not sure I like how there never came any closure to the corporation that did all of the experiments . . .
I had plans once for a sequel, but I just never got around to it, and I don't think I care enough to at this point. It would have dealt with what happened with the mysterious corporation, people with other powers, and Joe attempting to stop cursing.
I know this story is now a half decade old and you've undoubtedly grown as a writer since now, but I hope you don't suffer from any embarrassment of how it is looking back on it. It is still plenty charming.
To be honest, I still think this is one of the better-paced stories I've written. To me at least, it all kinda flows to the end after the second or third chapter.
Thank you for coming up with it and sharing it with us, even back then.
Thanks
Lastly, how did you change the ending? What was it before the change?
It's a secret, it dies with me!
Spoiler:
mibuchiha wrote...
Haven't managed to find the time to read it yet, this post is merely a reminder that I ought to do so sometime.You've had over five and a half years to find time. FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. Been awhile btw, how's life?
1
mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Y'know, the fact that the site is now paywalled, and me being not a subscriber means there is little incentive to come here... I do check it out from time to time, but the place is one of the first ones to get removed from the regular visit list. Not saying it's a bad thing, but eh, I haven't really got the privacy to properly benefit from it even if I do subscribe.
Also at some point during the past five and half years, I started my graduate studies. That's a time sink, and so any writing got out of the window. Hell I think I put up part 17 of TSK before the grad school, and until now I've only got part 18! Haven't even started on part 19. Good writing pace be damned, sadly.
How it's going on your end?
Also at some point during the past five and half years, I started my graduate studies. That's a time sink, and so any writing got out of the window. Hell I think I put up part 17 of TSK before the grad school, and until now I've only got part 18! Haven't even started on part 19. Good writing pace be damned, sadly.
How it's going on your end?
0
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
mibuchiha wrote...
Y'know, the fact that the site is now paywalled, and me being not a subscriber means there is little incentive to come here... I do check it out from time to time, but the place is one of the first ones to get removed from the regular visit list. Not saying it's a bad thing, but eh, I haven't really got the privacy to properly benefit from it even if I do subscribe.Also at some point during the past five and half years, I started my graduate studies. That's a time sink, and so any writing got out of the window. Hell I think I put up part 17 of TSK before the grad school, and until now I've only got part 18! Haven't even started on part 19. Good writing pace be damned, sadly.
How it's going on your end?
Whoa, it's Mibu. Hey, been a while.
Glad to hear that things are going well enough for you in grad school. These past five years I shared that pain. Went through it and graduated from my grad school program in that time, myself. Best of luck on the remaining time and I hope your transition into employment is smooth.
I'll leave it at that since I don't want to use d's story too much as a place to catch up, but didn't want to let the opportunity to say hello pass by.
Be well.