Why? why does this happen?

Ok, just for reference, this isn't about me.. it's just about a friend, cause it's been annoying me a LOT recently..
Also, apologies for the lack of names.. I don't want her to find out somehow

Ok, where do I begin...
My friend had been going out with a guy for 4 years (on and off a little.. they had a girl break them up at some point, broke up a few other times due to various other things.. The guy also hit her a few times, and knocked her to the ground, etc) and then just when they were thinking about children, and getting married, the guy starts relaying messages from a chick to his friend, cause the girl is tuning his friend (don't ask me, it's fucking stupid) and then my friend asks the guy what he's doing, and he denies it/ refuses to tell her. she gets REALLY pissy, and they break up.
After a few weeks, they get back together, and then, a few weeks later, what do you know? the guy has fallen for the chick he was helping tune his friend...
Long story short, they broke up, the guy was living in another house, but kept the house key for my friends house, and stayed on the lease (he refused to take his name off the lease)
So she found out he was bringing the girl back to her house and fucking her on my friends bed.. gross.
Again, another long story short, she got him off the lease, got the key back.
Now, after the guy and the girl had been going out, they broke up, and the guy is trying his hardest to get back with my friend.. we've told her not to (cause every time she went over to his house to be nice and help him out/ say hi and what not, he'd either try to have his way with her, or his new girlfriend would rock up, and he'd make my friend leave out the back door so as to not get caught.) go back, and told her he's a douche and that she should just stop seeing him all together, as he's just stringing her along. she agrees with us, but then keeps going back and keeps getting hurt/ strung along..

I'm getting pretty sick of her ignoring my advice to just forget all about him and just move on..

Now, she likes a guy at work, and he likes her, but gets annoyed at her for mentioning her ex ALL THE TIME... and told her that she isn't ready for a relationship, since she keeps thinking about her ex..

And again, after a few months, she is considering going back i believe..

Why do people do this? let people treat them like shit and then go crawling back after being seperated?
I mean seriously, why can't they see that it isn't going to work out, and that they are selfish fucks.


As much as i'd love some advice, i don't know if there's really anything i can do to stop her going near him.. being the kind of friend i am, i hate seeing my friends cry, and go to things that will not end well.. I know it won't end well if she goes back, she knows it.. we all know it.. After all, he's fucking hit her, thrown her to the ground, cheated on her, been a fucking asshole...

WHY? WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS HAPPEN?


Edit, new saga:
We got a text from her this morning about killing herself cause her ex is now chasing a new girl. And being stubborn, when we tried to calm her down, she went and made problems of things that aren't problems, or are very menial. Like half the stuff was exaggerated, half was somewhat true, like she went on about spending all her money on food for us, as she makes roasts constantly... We don't ask her to, she would still do it if we weren't there...
In the end, she told us to just leave her alone... I'm thinking there is no winning... She asks for our advice, then completely ignores it.. Or asks for sympathy and gets shitty with us for giving it to her... I have a strong urge to just snap at her and tell her to just go back to him and have a misrable life alone. But I know it'll ruin her in a sense... The gf has even been tempted to call the friends mum, since she doesb't know her daughter has been going back to him... Only downside is that she'd hate us for telling... But when you think about it... Is it worth calling her mum and risk splitting the family/ getting her in trouble and her never talking to you again, thus making her venerable, or keep trying to convince her... Telling her mum would be good for her, but it'd probably ruin our work relationship and our friendship and whatnot...

Anyone got any ideas?

This happened to a friend of mine I told her so many time not to mess with this dude she nevered listened and ended up getting her heart broken alot of times and complains too me about it. After a while I stopped caring and just let her learn the hard which she eventually did but people do this because they think they love that person but they don't theyre just scared they'll be always alone and not having someone to depend on. The only way you can try to help is get her to start see other people and make her forget that dude

It's hard when she's pushing people away by constantly talking about him.. as i said, she has one guy she fancies, but he doesn't want anything to do with her until she can stop talking about him (like how he does this, and how he is this etc etc)

I mean, I feel like soon i might give up.. but i don't want to, cause if i do, i know she'll probably go back to him, and be miserable... :(

If your really desperate and out of options you can give her a ultimatum by letting her choose between your friendship or that guy. Tell her you rather not see her at all then see her constantly miserable and being used , when she deserves better than that.

Fair enough, I'll see how i go... :)

I know you hate to see your friend in a miserable situation, but she is an adult so if she chooses to go back to the loser its on her its no fault of yours, i wouldnt suggest giving an altamatum because that loser isnt worth losing a friend over, i would just let her know to keep me out of the drama if she decides to go back to him,dont come to you for advice, or to complain, or none of that shit. Some people just like to do bad they are not satisfied unless there life has a bunch of drama going on.

Dependence and obsession. He's become such an important part of her life that she doesn't know how to live without him. It was probably all downhill from the first time he cheated or hit her. Whichever was first. He probably spun some kind of self-pity routine to make her feel like she has to fix him, be there for him.

Unless something drastic happens, she won't ever leave him. She was content to pretty much be the other woman.

:|
fair point...s
I'm not keen on actually telling her that it's me or the dude, considering i'm not really all that close with her.. she's more friends with my gf than me..
I'd say, if she gets back with him, the gf and i are pretty much going to leave her be.. the gf is getting pretty annoyed with it too.. She even said she's had enough of it, she will walk away if she goes back to him.

but yeah, if she does, we'll probably just say, whatever. we warned you not to go back, you did it. suck it up. it's your own fault, we tried to tell you otherwise, but you ignored us, so deal with it yourself

This right here.
Sadly, happens all the time to a lot of people :\

It's the harsh cycle of abuse my friend. She has to see it for herself that what she is doing is the wrong thing. Until then, she will continue to be abused and there is little you can do to stop it. Sad but true fact.

I wouldn't abandon your friendship with her. Isolating her from everyone is what her abuser wants. You at least give her a voice of reason.

Grab some beers, pop some popcorn, and sit back and watch. people are going to do what they're going to do. the best possible outcome for you is getting blamed by one or both parties.

I like this advise.

I can honestly say that if it were my friend, I would slap her stupid. There is no reason for a woman to demean herself in such a way. It's disgusting and extremely self-destructive. It stems from deep-seated insecurities.. somewhere along the way this guy managed to get SO inside her head, that she feels he's the best she's going to get. The only way to shake her of her fixation is to get her to see her own value in herself. It won't be enough to simply say 'You deserve better!' She herself, has to see WHY she deserves better, WHY she's worthy of a healthy, loving relationship. A serious dose of reality and self-respect is in order. Until she respects herself enough to demand better for herself... she's just going to keep ignoring you and pining away for an unworthy douchenugget.

Trust me..
I've literally gone through THE SAME THING.
Too.
many.
TIMES.
[Being the voice of reason to someone who's apparently DEAF. >;T]

Edit: I know the urge to give up is almost impossible to ignore at this point, but abandonment will only push her directly into his arms. If it gets too taxing on your mind, then suggest therapy. She needs SOMEONE to talk out her issues with.

indeed this is true... well, I doubt my gf will help (cause she's been going off at the gf for doing a similar thing about her ex... she keeps bringing him up.. cause he pisses her off constantly)
i end up just helping anyway

^Completely agree, however no matter how much you tell someone how amazing they are. It's hard to get them to see how you see them.

@Drifter:
I understand. My sister is currently doing the same thing with her husband (only she has kids so that's a factor).

You can't bad talk him (sadly). Otherwise, she'll just take it as you not liking him and being biased. After all, he is the *sarcasm* only man she ever really loved. ([size=10]Sorry line my sister uses all the time[/h]).

You might want to tell her directly. "If you're going to get over him, you really should try to break that habit of talking about him so often." I don't know how she is in the dating field. Maybe she just doesn't know that it's not a great relationship builder. That's probably not the case but might want to point it out if she doesn't even realize she's doing it.
Also, maybe she just didn't feel like she got closure from it. (Sounds like bullshit I know, but could be). Was he the one always dumping her? She could be wondering why he cheated on her, blaming herself for not being good enough kind of thing.
However, NOTHING you do will stop her from going out with that guy if she truly wants to. Of course besides tying her up and keeping her hostage but I think that just complicates things a bit too much.

As to your question why, it's truly sad. It starts off with really fun and good times. Then the bad and good memories/experiences get mixed. Whether those be of emotional, physical, or verbal abuse. It starts to warp your mind as it slowly goes downhill. Mostly bad instead of good experiences. However, you remember the person they seemed to be at the beginning and think that's the real them and if you hold out the real person will emerge again. Or you think that the reason that it didn't work out. You start picking at yourself trying to figure out why they changed (ie "Was it something I did?" "What if I didn't have..."). And it all feels like it's because of love not low self esteem or that they mind fucked you so hard that you can't tell which way is up.

In the end, it's a crappy situation to be in. And I wish you, your girlfriend, and your friend the best of luck coping with all the complaints, the drama, and the trouble that may ensue afterwards. Also sorry for this being so long. Kinda went on a rant without realizing it.

It's all good man.. fair enough.
I get the feeling that if I point out that she mentions his name so often, she'd get pissy about it.. like, as i said earlier, the gf was complaining about something her ex said/did at work (he's a right douche, and is trying to spite her because she broke up with him for being an asshole) and our friend was like 'oh my god, do you realise how often you talk about him? get over it. something something something' Don't take it as literal.. i can't remember the words exactly, but main point was: you aren't over him, so you need to get over him.
long story short, the gf sat there and thought 'speak for yourself' so y'know... i don't think she's aware she does it :|

honestly, she probably really isn't aware that she does it. if she was with him for so long, she probably depended on him heavily. with him gone, who does she have to go to? who can she trust? she thinks she can trust you guys, which is why she talks so much about it.

it was four years. that's a long time to give your entirety of someone only to be abused and have it torn away from you many times. even if there wasn't the cheating or the hitting, when they broke up, she would be torn apart. it's completely natural to not know what to do with yourself after a breakup. after those years are over, you see where you are outside of the relationship and it's a scary thing.

he's all she's known for four years now, of course she'd try and cling onto it. not saying it's justifiable for her to demean herself like this, just try and see where she's coming from a little, too.

as for dealing with it, if you still want to try and help her, i think you need to be frank with her about it.

not saying that this is the best way to go, but this is something i've said to a few friends who have been in this sort of situation (with variants depending on them and the situation, of course):

That is a very fair call. There are many things to consider.. I shall discuss options with the gf, see what she thinks :D ty for all the ideas and help ^^

So, I never got around to telling her anything... We got a text from her this morning about killing herself cause her ex is now chasing a new girl. And being stubborn, when we tried to calm her down, she went and made problems of things that aren't problems, or are very menial. Like half the stuff was exaggerated, half was somewhat true, like she went on about spending all her money on food for us, as she makes roasts constantly... We don't ask her to, she would still do it if we weren't there...
In the end, she told us to just leave her alone... I'm thinking there is no winning... She asks for our advice, then completely ignores it.. Or asks for sympathy and gets shitty with us for giving it to her... I have a strong urge to just snap at her and tell her to just go back to him and have a misrable life alone. But I know it'll ruin her in a sense... The gf has even been tempted to call the friends mum, since she doesb't know her daughter has been going back to him... Only downside is that she'd hate us for telling... But when you think about it... Is it worth calling her mum and risk splitting the family/ getting her in trouble and her never talking to you again, thus making her venerable, or keep trying to convince her... Telling her mum would be good for her, but it'd probably ruin our work relationship and our friendship and whatnot...

Anyone got any ideas?

Sorry again... But thanks for all the replies, and any further ones