JOKES!! POST SOME!!
1
Okay i know this is a hentai site but i think we need a whole section of the site devoted to jokes STARTING HERE. here are some i know:
WORLD'S BEST JOKES
The University of Hertfordshire recently concluded a research project to find the best jokes in the world. Here they are :
Best Joke in the world A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Second Place Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Top joke in USA A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Top joke in Belgium Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
Top joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Top Joke in England Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Top Joke in Wales A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
Top Joke in Northern Ireland A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Also Rans Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another †˜Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”
What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
A Baboom !
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
Which day of the week do fish hate?.......
Fry-Day
And, saved till last, my own favourite .
Top Joke in Scotland I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
HERES A FUCKLOAD AND A FUCKLOAD MORE ARE COMMIN UNLESS THEY SHUT ME DOWN OR TELL ME TO QIUT!!!
SOME FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS
FOR 2003
Behind every successful woman is herself.
Oh my god, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a tea bag … you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
I'm out of oestrogen and I have a gun.
Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away ?
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
S i m i l e s
Steal some of these similes for your next speech
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my mate Trev. But unlike Trev, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31pence-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
(this ones a song)
Do you remember the day
When if you said that you were gay
It meant with joy you could sing and shout ?
A fairy was enchanting,
And dressing up and camping
Was something you did with the Scouts
That carefree age
When an urgent case of AIDS
Was powdered milk we sent to the Sahara.
A fruit was something nice to eat,
A poof was something for your feet,
And a queen was an old tart in a tiara.
CHORUS
Look what we’ve done
To the old mother tongue,
It’s a crime the way we’ve misused it.
It’s been totally diswobbled, pulverised and gollywabbled;
We’ve strangled, fangled, mangled and abused it.
Those far off times
When a bong meant a chime,
And a buzz was a noisy insecticidal.
A joint was something between bones,
And getting really stoned
Only happened to bad people in the Bible.
When if you had a bad trip
It meant you fell and broke your hip;
Cold turkey just meant Christmas meat and tatties.
Coke was something that you burned,
Smack was something that you earned
From your mumsy-wumsy when you had been naughty.
CHORUS
The years have gone I’m afraid
When only eggs got laid
And only the rhinoceros got horny.
Only kangaroos jumped,
Only camels got humped;
Getting stuffed meant a little taxidermy.
Swinging was for trapezes
Or Tarzan’s chimpanzeeses,
Tossing off was something Scotsmen did with cabers -
You’ll know just what that means,
But a really ugly scene
Was any movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
FACTOIDS YOU CANNOT AFFORD NOT TO KNOW
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it,
just think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slimy & slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a “thresh hold.”
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man “could bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat”.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or “upper crust.”
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone-house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”
INTELLECTUAL TAUNTS AND INSULTS
“I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man & worships his creator.”
John Bright
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”-
Winston Churchill
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
Winston Churchill
“I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.”
Moses Hadas
“His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.”
Howard Hughes
(about Clark Gable)
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
Paul Keating
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
Walter Kerr
“There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.”
Jack E. Leonard
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
Abraham Lincoln
“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.”
Groucho Marx
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
Robert Redford
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
Thomas Brackett Reed
“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
Mark Twain
“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than illumination.”
Andrew Lang
(1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh's ear for music.”
Billy Wilder
A GOOD DEED
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer.
At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal", the nobleman said. "Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." The farmer consented.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the son of that same nobleman who had saved young Fleming from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time?
Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around. Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching.
Pass this on by giving the URL (www.tallrite.com/LightRelief/winstoniantales.htm), and brighten someone's day. Nothing will happen if you decide not to pass it along. The only thing that will happen, if you DO pass it on, is that someone might smile because of you.
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law
SPOTTED ON AN ENGLISH GRAVE STONE
"Here lie I Martin Elginbrodde,
"Have mercy on my soul Lord God,
"As I would do if I were God,
"And Ye were Martin Elginbrodde."
"Good big blokes are better than good little blokes. Then again, good little blokes are better than dud big blokes. And dud little blokes should play something other than rugby."
- Bob Dwyer, manager of Australia's NSW rugby team,
about to play (and lose to) the British & Irish Lions in June 2001
A husband left a message for his wife:
"Honey, the doctor called. Said Pabst beer was normal."
Real Ads
The following are 86 real ads—classified and otherwise—published in newspapers across the USA
Free one can of pork and beans with purchase of three bedroom, two bath home.
American flag, 60 stars. Pole included $100.
Amana washer, $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Wanted: Used paint.
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled, $700.
1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.
Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.
Lose all your weight, only $49.
Nordic track, $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
Free Yorkshire terrier. Eight years old. Hateful little dog.
For sale by owner. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
One man, seven women hot tub. $850 or best offer.
Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
Georgia peaches. California grown, 89 cents per pound.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
German shepherd, 85 lbs., neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Cows, calves never bred. Also one gay bull for sale.
Found—dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.
Bill's septic cleaning. We haul American-made products.
Open house. Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.
Free puppies. Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor's dog.
Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Nice parachute—never opened. Used once.
Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer and dryer, $300.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100 percent Italian leather.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit-sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay, $7-9 per hour.
Free puppies—part German shepherd, part stupid dog.
Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale—a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation special—have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts—Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster—a gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For rent—six-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted—chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Wanted—part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted—hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. Fifty percent off!
Wanted—preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Mother's helper—peasant working conditions.
Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Two female Boston terrier puppies, seven wks. old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Wanted—unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Modular sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“
Unknown
“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: †˜No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".
Eleanor Roosevelt
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”
George Burns
“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.”
Victor Borge
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
Mark Twain
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”
Mark Twain
“My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.”
Les Dawson
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
Socrates
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
Groucho Marx
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
Jimmy Durante
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
Jilly Cooper
“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
“I was always a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”
Alex Levine
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
Ed Furgol
“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
Spike Milligan
“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”
Mark Twain
“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”
Herbert Henry Asquith
“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
Bob Hope
“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.”
W C Fields
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”
George Burns
“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
Unknown
“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
Unknown
Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”
Unknown
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
Unknown
if you got a joke post it here..and please keep mindless commenting to a mimimum as not to overload the topic KAY!?!?
WORLD'S BEST JOKES
The University of Hertfordshire recently concluded a research project to find the best jokes in the world. Here they are :
Best Joke in the world A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Second Place Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Top joke in USA A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Top joke in Belgium Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
Top joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Top Joke in England Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Top Joke in Wales A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
Top Joke in Northern Ireland A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Also Rans Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another †˜Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”
What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
A Baboom !
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
Which day of the week do fish hate?.......
Fry-Day
And, saved till last, my own favourite .
Top Joke in Scotland I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
HERES A FUCKLOAD AND A FUCKLOAD MORE ARE COMMIN UNLESS THEY SHUT ME DOWN OR TELL ME TO QIUT!!!
SOME FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS
FOR 2003
Behind every successful woman is herself.
Oh my god, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a tea bag … you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
I'm out of oestrogen and I have a gun.
Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away ?
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
S i m i l e s
Steal some of these similes for your next speech
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my mate Trev. But unlike Trev, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31pence-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
(this ones a song)
Do you remember the day
When if you said that you were gay
It meant with joy you could sing and shout ?
A fairy was enchanting,
And dressing up and camping
Was something you did with the Scouts
That carefree age
When an urgent case of AIDS
Was powdered milk we sent to the Sahara.
A fruit was something nice to eat,
A poof was something for your feet,
And a queen was an old tart in a tiara.
CHORUS
Look what we’ve done
To the old mother tongue,
It’s a crime the way we’ve misused it.
It’s been totally diswobbled, pulverised and gollywabbled;
We’ve strangled, fangled, mangled and abused it.
Those far off times
When a bong meant a chime,
And a buzz was a noisy insecticidal.
A joint was something between bones,
And getting really stoned
Only happened to bad people in the Bible.
When if you had a bad trip
It meant you fell and broke your hip;
Cold turkey just meant Christmas meat and tatties.
Coke was something that you burned,
Smack was something that you earned
From your mumsy-wumsy when you had been naughty.
CHORUS
The years have gone I’m afraid
When only eggs got laid
And only the rhinoceros got horny.
Only kangaroos jumped,
Only camels got humped;
Getting stuffed meant a little taxidermy.
Swinging was for trapezes
Or Tarzan’s chimpanzeeses,
Tossing off was something Scotsmen did with cabers -
You’ll know just what that means,
But a really ugly scene
Was any movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
FACTOIDS YOU CANNOT AFFORD NOT TO KNOW
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it,
just think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slimy & slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a “thresh hold.”
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man “could bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat”.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or “upper crust.”
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone-house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”
INTELLECTUAL TAUNTS AND INSULTS
“I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man & worships his creator.”
John Bright
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”-
Winston Churchill
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
Winston Churchill
“I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.”
Moses Hadas
“His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.”
Howard Hughes
(about Clark Gable)
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
Paul Keating
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
Walter Kerr
“There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.”
Jack E. Leonard
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
Abraham Lincoln
“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.”
Groucho Marx
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
Robert Redford
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
Thomas Brackett Reed
“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
Mark Twain
“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than illumination.”
Andrew Lang
(1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh's ear for music.”
Billy Wilder
A GOOD DEED
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer.
At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal", the nobleman said. "Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." The farmer consented.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the son of that same nobleman who had saved young Fleming from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time?
Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around. Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching.
Pass this on by giving the URL (www.tallrite.com/LightRelief/winstoniantales.htm), and brighten someone's day. Nothing will happen if you decide not to pass it along. The only thing that will happen, if you DO pass it on, is that someone might smile because of you.
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law
SPOTTED ON AN ENGLISH GRAVE STONE
"Here lie I Martin Elginbrodde,
"Have mercy on my soul Lord God,
"As I would do if I were God,
"And Ye were Martin Elginbrodde."
"Good big blokes are better than good little blokes. Then again, good little blokes are better than dud big blokes. And dud little blokes should play something other than rugby."
- Bob Dwyer, manager of Australia's NSW rugby team,
about to play (and lose to) the British & Irish Lions in June 2001
A husband left a message for his wife:
"Honey, the doctor called. Said Pabst beer was normal."
Real Ads
The following are 86 real ads—classified and otherwise—published in newspapers across the USA
Free one can of pork and beans with purchase of three bedroom, two bath home.
American flag, 60 stars. Pole included $100.
Amana washer, $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Wanted: Used paint.
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled, $700.
1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.
Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.
Lose all your weight, only $49.
Nordic track, $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
Free Yorkshire terrier. Eight years old. Hateful little dog.
For sale by owner. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
One man, seven women hot tub. $850 or best offer.
Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
Georgia peaches. California grown, 89 cents per pound.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
German shepherd, 85 lbs., neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Cows, calves never bred. Also one gay bull for sale.
Found—dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.
Bill's septic cleaning. We haul American-made products.
Open house. Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.
Free puppies. Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor's dog.
Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Nice parachute—never opened. Used once.
Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer and dryer, $300.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100 percent Italian leather.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit-sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay, $7-9 per hour.
Free puppies—part German shepherd, part stupid dog.
Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale—a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation special—have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts—Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster—a gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For rent—six-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted—chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Wanted—part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted—hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. Fifty percent off!
Wanted—preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Mother's helper—peasant working conditions.
Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Two female Boston terrier puppies, seven wks. old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Wanted—unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Modular sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“
Unknown
“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: †˜No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".
Eleanor Roosevelt
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”
George Burns
“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.”
Victor Borge
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
Mark Twain
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”
Mark Twain
“My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.”
Les Dawson
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
Socrates
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
Groucho Marx
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
Jimmy Durante
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
Jilly Cooper
“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
“I was always a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”
Alex Levine
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
Ed Furgol
“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
Spike Milligan
“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”
Mark Twain
“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”
Herbert Henry Asquith
“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
Bob Hope
“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.”
W C Fields
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”
George Burns
“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
Unknown
“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
Unknown
Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”
Unknown
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
Unknown
if you got a joke post it here..and please keep mindless commenting to a mimimum as not to overload the topic KAY!?!?
0
Carthagian wrote...
IT NOT A GIANT JOKE JUST A SHITLOAD OF INDIVIDUALS!!that is why you space them out i didn't read one of them cos theres too much to read all at once
0
elfen lied wrote...
Carthagian wrote...
IT NOT A GIANT JOKE JUST A SHITLOAD OF INDIVIDUALS!!that is why you space them out i didn't read one of them cos theres too much to read all at once
oh thank you waise and mighty FAKKU ELDA i shall keepeth wooords of a gidance always!
saturday i shall update with 40-50 new jokes
keep an eye on the page and ma fellow Fakku-ian who posted his ol recently unburied treasure on this page!!!
