[Locked] Lollikittie.

Late night IB is alive and swingin.

I'm gonna peace for the night, my lads. Bedtime for myself and the boyfriend.

Try not to tear apart the attention-starved newfag.
Or do.
Whichever seems most appropriate.

Dat report button is pretty sexy.

Also, nighty night :3

Ain't it?

this is a long story so bare with me. i have been looking around the internet and it seems there is more people who may have the same problem as me than i thought. any comments and input would be greatly appreciated but i just i finished typing and realized i rambled on for so fucking long so if no one feels like it, is all good. but anyway, here goes.

i am 19 years old and i have been smoking for a while, but more frequently in the past 3 years or so. a couple months ago, one of my best friends that i smoke with regularly during the summer and i were heading to a rebelution concert. on our way there we smoked a blunt of some very good bud. we also had 2 pills of ecstacy that we both were going to take, i did it maybe 2 times before this and it was his first time. i talked it up a lot and wanted to make sure he had a good time with it also. so after we got done smoking the blunt, i was very high but i smoked regularly and it wasnt anything that new. we then took the pills in the car so it would hit us by the time we got to the concert. i told him to chew it up in his front teeth and then swallow it and i did the same. at this time we were happpy as hell and pumping ourselves up for the concert we were about to see. then he got a phone call and this is when it began. i remember thinking to myself that i dont remember a pill tasting that bad, and i think this is what triggered it. i began to let my mind wander and started thinking to myself, oh shit you never know what e is cut with, this could be a bad pill. i now believe that it was just paranoia setting in since i was so blazed before this, but at the time i began to freak myself out so bad. i thought i felt a pain in my chest and i started to try and see if i really was having pains or if i was freaking myself out, however the more i thought about it the more i noticed my heart rate increasing and all of the sudden i felt light headed and my heart seriouly felt like it was beating out of my chest it kept getting faster and faster and i didnt know if it was going to stop. (Mind you, this all happened in a matter of a minute or two while he was on the phone) as this was going on, i thought of some crazy shit. particularly about a friend of mine's 13 year old brther that recently died in an accident less than 2 weeks before this. also as i nearly passed out, i tohught i might never wake up again or could be in the hospital next thing i knew. but still i managed to mutter out something about my heart and told my friend to pull over and take me to the hospital. he then hung up the phone and pulled over and i toldhim i thought i just had a heart attack and that i thought i was going to die, but then i realizedit was his first time on e and i shouldnt freak him out like that. when he pulled over and i got fresh air i felt fine and told him lets go even though i was scared shitless and could not understand what just happened. did i just have a near death experience? am i gonna have a heart attack in the middle of this concert? but i just tried to stay calm for my friends sake and we shortly arrived to the parking lot. i ws ready to go and whn he got a phone call again, i started to feel my heart race. i think it was because the phone call reminded me of the first incident and triggered it again, but at the time i just thought i could be dying. however we proceeded to go in and i was fine but i just kept taking really deep breaths. i was still so high and scared and my mind was racing and i felt as if i had to remind myself to take another breath. i back tracked every single little detail of what happened in the past hour (if that) and tried to calm myself down. it was like i was in a battle with my subconscious, calming myself down and saying itcouldnt be from the e snce it happened just 5 minutes after taking it but on the other hand i was like dude your in denial you almost just died get your priorities straight. however eventually as the high wore off i began to feel better and breathing normally and then saw one of our friends from high school there who also happned to be rolling on e so that put me in better spirits and this i when i felt the effects of the e. we went outside then after tribal seeds were done with their opening set and ended up talking to the lead singer and all the sudden i almost forgot about everything i was so happy and it was all good. we got back in and were right in the front for when rebelution played and let me tell you, after having a near death experience, rolling on ecstacy, and listening to the inspirational lyrics of this band will definitely give you a whole new perspective and appreciation for life. it ended up being the happiest fucking time of my life. however i was still scared shitless of what happened once i was sobered up and thought about it the next day. the next couple times i smoked, i would feel pains in my chest and it would start beating faster but it was never nearly as bad as that first time. i couldnt give up smokin bud completely becuase i just love it too much and as i researched more i was almost positive that it must have just been panic attacks i had. they kept reoccurring though i kind of figured out how to "control" them so they werent as bad. this is coming from someone who never even believed in panic attacks and thought that it was just some excuse pussies would use when things got tough. i had no idea they could be as scary as they were and make you feel like you are certainly going to die. i am now a freshman in college and smoke weed, but not as muh as i used to. however no matter how many times i tell myself its just panic attacks, i feel like when i am high i just fear having another panic attack and theres not much i can do to not think about it so its an endless cycle. Though i really think that these are re-occurring panic attacks, there is always the "what if it isnt" in the back of my mind also. i recently stopped smoking for a couple of weeks and i felt good. until one day over christmas break i went out to eat with my mom and grandmother for lunch, on the way home i had chest pain and told my mom about it. i was thinking it wasjust heart burn from the food but hearing her get all worried about it made me nervous and i was like shit maybe i really should get it checked. but i am just insecure about this because i feel like its all in my head but then at times i think i seriously have heart disease. ive noticed since i told my mom, i have been feeling chest pains more regularly when i am not high, which is unusual. usually my heart speeds up when i smoke but im fine when im not high which made me believe in the first place that it was just all in my head especially when i get high. i stopped since the day i told my mom and the chest pains keep coming. though they arent bad and dont cause my heart to get very rapid like when im high, it is still uncomfortable and i feel like if it was just in my head i would not feel any type of chest pain when im sober unless there is something really wrong. but the thing is, i am a wrestler in college which is a very demanding sport when it comes to conditioning and i am in pretty good shape but still i have pains once in a while that alarm me. but last friday night i had a couple bong tokes at my fiends house at school to try to test myself basically. and it ended up back firing. my heart sped up and i was getting nervous as fuck because when i got home i went on my facebook and read a comment from my friend on facebook talking about if i didnt have a heart attack we would have won the game. we were talking about something from like 2 years ago and it would have been funny if my chest wasnt pounding the whole walk home and the first thing i read is that. i tohught it must have been a sign from god that i am ging to have a heart attack that night and i had to do something. but again i really think my mind was just playing tricks on me and getting very paranoid from the bud. itook a shower and calmed myself down and laid in bed andtried to stop my mind from racing and go to sleep since i had to wake up at 5am for a wrestling tournament. but i was worried if i would wake up at all. somehow managed to fall asleep and i was never so appeciative of just waking up the next day. i felt fine but got some pains when i thought about the night before and wondered if i had a heart attack. i ended up wrestling one of the best tournaments of my life some how but after my 2nd to last match i came back and was talking to my team mates and theyre like shit you pinned him in the first period and your breathing heavy as shit your about to go into cardiac arrest. again any other time this would be funny but i was like fuck is this another sign? whats going on? then the chest pains began and my heart just felt so tight in my chest. but anyway i realize how fucking stupid i have been about this and i am going to go get checked out soon because if it is just panic attacks in my head, going to a doctor and finding out that my heart really isnt damaged or that i didnt have a heart attack would greatly reduce anxiety and probably allow me to smoke again without worries and i could enjoy this gift like i once did again. haha fuck this is long i think i got carpel tunnel syndrome from typing this shit. i doub anyone will read this and im sorry if you waste your time, but i had no intentions to make it this long. but as i began typing it felt good to get every little thing out of my sysytem because i feel like i have been suppressing it for so long. ahhh that was relieving and kinda made me feel better and realize a lot more about my situation and take away some anxiety so i can stop stressing about it and hope its all in my head because i really think i just need to relax. dont get me wrong, i have had a lot of fun the past couple months and didnt let this fear hold me back, but it would be nice to not spend a lot of time thinking about my heart EVERY day. i always feel like it could be my last day here and gotta tell ya it really made me realize how good i have it and appreciate everything in my life but it would be nice to not think about my heart beating every day for the rest of my life. hahaha i jsut keep ramblin my bad. crazy long. i remember like a hallf hour ago when i was recalling every detail from the concert story and i havent stoped typing since then. so most of these sentences probably dont make sense but im not going back to read anything cuz it might take me another hour so peace outtttt!

Later LolliKittie

Either one is cool, I'm neutral.



stop ruining people's threads dammit! You're not cool!

[font=verdana][color=green]If only that said 17 or lower... if fucking only...

LOLI

That'll be like a rainbow after the storm..

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