[Winter Contest Entry 2013] Lost Warmth

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8
xninebreaker FAKKU Writer
Word count with title: 2000




Lost Warmth


Grey clouds stretched across the vast sky casting a melancholy shade of darkness to the land under it. A stream of smoke was released as Peter exhaled, and as he inhaled the cold air, he buried his head ever so slightly into his worn-out jacket. "I won't leave you," he whispered to himself. He clenched his right hand seeking the comfort and warmth of another individual, despite knowing that he was alone. Met with a sense of emptiness a loss followed by a freezing howling gale, Peter continued his slow journey forward.

The road before Peter was completely destroyed. Parts of the road were overturned, other parts had cracks so large that it seemed as if an earthquake had split the ground under it, and even still, there were parts of the road that contained craters that could fit a car. Scattered along the road were rusted signs and streetlights, abandoned cars and military vehicles, as well as what was left of human bodies, most of which were deteriorated to the bones. Even beyond the dismantled or otherwise completely missing guardrails, what was once lush fields of grass were now barren wastelands dotted with the occasional hardy flora.

Unfazed at the devastation of the road and the wastelands that surrounded him, Peter continued slowly walking. His eyes surveyed the road recalling the dozens of times he'd already seen such a scene. While he passed by the skeletons that littered the edges of roads and under the wheels of cars, as he passed by a tank bearing the emblem of his country, he stopped and turned to stare at it and the withered body that was crushed under its rusted treads.

He remembered the time the roads connecting this city to the rest of the world were blockaded. Each road was filled with mines, tank traps, bunkers, and military vehicles. The city was locked in, and despite neighboring cities offering to take in refugees, almost no one was allowed to leave. As the anticipated wave of enemy forces drew closer, people became restless. The people of the city rebelled against the military that imprisoned them into the city. However, rebellion was met with merciless force; the military turned on the very city it was protecting. Thousands died by the day as tanks and soldiers stormed the city looking for rebels. The hunt for rebels had finally finished after the entire city had been massacred. The military forces that were 'protecting' the city soon joined up with the enemy forces as they rolled through the torn city.

Peter blinked without a hint of emotion showing, and he turned to continue his slow journey towards the city. After an hour of walking, the scenery around Peter began to change just as the weather did. The gray skies that blotted out most of the sun had turned a darker hue and a flash of light illuminated the clouds for an instant. Just as the treacherous road leading to the city ended, what Peter came upon did not look like a street or a road. Shielding his eyes with his right hand, he gazed up into the dark sky and watched as the first raindrops landed onto the mounds and mounds of debris that remained a testament to the carnage that manifested. He put his hand back into his pocket, and with no heed to the sudden rain that began to drench his clothes, he climbed atop what seemed to be a piece of wall that was now laying against the rest of the chaos that filled the 'road' he was on.

The heavy rain became background noise to Peter as he slowly navigated his way through the city. Cold and disinterested, his eyes gazed at the quiet destruction around him; there were countless buildings with broken windows, cars strewn about every which direction, plenty of machinery, that was once coveted, resembled scrap metal in its abundance beside the rest of the trash that filled every corner and alleyway of the city. However, most of what filled the road were walls of buildings that had been knocked down, or entire buildings that toppled and completely blocked the street. Every so often, Peter would have to detour to get around the toppled buildings, but that only served to reinforce that what was once a bustling city was now a lifeless ruin.

As he passed a shop, he stopped and stared at a miraculously intact display case in a store. A bright flash of light that lasted not a second lit the skies as well as the shining ring within the display case, which was followed by a tremendous roar that echoed through both the skies and the abandoned corridors of the city. Peter decided to take a break and entered the store steeping over the knocked-down doorway. He kicked around the glass and concrete to make a clearing on the floor and sat down. He found himself gazing at the display case despite not being able to see it from his position.

He remembered the days when he just finished university. Ambitious and full of confidence, it did not take long for him to find a job with a salary. He finally became something he always dreamed of; he finally became someone who could support a family. However, it was not long until his dreams were shattered. The country entered war, and soon enough his city was along the frontlines of an incoming enemy attack. Everything he worked for and everything that he loved was on the brink of destruction.

At the sound of thunder, Peter woke from his daze. He had been reminiscing for about 30 minutes, and the rain was beginning to let up. He took his hands out and observed the golden band on his ring finger. Slowly and endearingly, Peter stroked the golden ring; he closed his eyes for several seconds before slowly lifting his eyelids to reveal that his ever cold, jaded eyes had softened and bore a gentle, but sorrowful expression. The weight of his jacket and pants, the wetness of his hair, the freezing wind that blew, the stinging absence another voice, and the destruction that stretched for miles were all forgotten for just one moment. Suddenly, he took a deep breath, stuck his hands back into his pockets and walked out the doorway. A tear ran down his face, but was instantly lost and dissolved in the downpour coming from above.

The skies were slowly turned from black to gray, and the intervals between thunders became wider, and eventually the heavy rain turned into a drizzle. After hours of walking over the redundant sight of toppled buildings, dead bodies, and abandoned cars Peter came to a small open field of grass with no buildings close by so the field was not flooded with rubble. The open field, which was strange in a growing, flourishing city, had noticeably less damage done to it. Leaving the road, Peter stepped onto the dirt.

The sound of the drizzle became almost nonexistent, and the sound of Peter's shoes crashing and lifting mud resounded in the silent landscape. The ground that he walked on was mostly barren, but there were patches of flowers and weeds that dotted the field. A bit off to the side, he found a small pond with water lilies that had blossomed. He crouched down and scooped one of the lilies and held it up at eye level. The buildings he'd seen, the cars he'd seen, the bodies, the machines, and even the grass that he'd seen all seemed to be cast in a shade of gray, but the water lily that he held had vibrant combination of white and pink petals that seemed to rebel against stark surroundings. Peter gently smiled as he gazed at the flower with a sense of admiration.

He remembered the days when he had just begun college. He had little idea of what he wanted to be and even less motivation to think about it. His parents were too busy care, and his handful of friends were already blazing through to their careers. He lived with his days constantly cast in gray. He simply didn't care. While uninterested he often 'caught up' with old classmates and was often invited to parties, most of which he declined. However, after reluctantly attending a party, color invaded his simple grayscale life.

Peter carefully pocketed the delicate water lily and stood up shaking the memories that were attempting to surface. Though he was beginning to feel increasingly fatigued and exhausted, he returned to walking across the mud-filled land. Soon, an iron gate came into view and behind it stood countless rows of stone and marble slabs. Peter arrived at the entrance and pushed against the cold iron to slowly swing it open, and then he entered the graveyard.

The graveyard was almost immaculate, not a single stone was destroyed nor could a single crater be seen. Peter weaved his way across the graveyard. While the marble and stone tablets had not been directly damaged, without any maintenance, many of the graves were worn down, perhaps naturally or perhaps as a side effect from the chaos and destruction just outside of the iron gates. Some stones were turned slightly, others that had metal picture frames had become rusted, but all of them were distinctly different from where Peter was headed. The graves that he had been walking across were all uniformly placed rows and columns and to some degree, each of the tablets were engraved with pictures, symbols, dates and names. The very corner of the graveyard was drastically different. Tablets of different sizes dug into the ground every which way. Some tablets were smooth, others were jagged, some had inscriptions, and others did not. Even in the graveyard untouched by the war stood a haphazard monument that was yet another testament to its devastation.

Peter walked up to a stone that was unlike all of the others. Jagged and round, it resembled a large rock more than any sort of memorial. He did not know when, but the rain had completely stopped, but he could still feel water running down his face. He wiped his face once, twice, three times before he finally let his arms slink to his sides. With his vision blurred he looked down at the stone and tried to force a smile. He tried to speak, but only silence came from his mouth. He reached out to touch the stone, but suddenly he crashed down on his knees. A searing pain shot from his knees and a stinging sensation from his hand that collided with the rough stone. Peter slammed his eyes shut, but he could still feel the steady stream running down his cheeks. He clenched his teeth, and tried to hold back his scream, but to no avail. "Vy…!" His voice was soft and cracked and full of pent up desperation and sorrow. He latched onto the stone; the restraint on his overflowing emotions no longer existed. He wailed, he cried, he gripped, and he clenched until finally he leaned his back against the stone.

With his bloodshot eyes and limp, exhausted body, Peter rested his head against the rough, cold stone and he looked up at the sky. The very skies that had cursed his long journey presented him its first and last gift to him; it began to snow. White flakes drifted slowly down from above landing onto Peter's head. He smiled and gently spoke aloud, "Hey Vy, look, it's a white Christmas!" Peter coughed violently, his eyesight and his consciousness drifted, but he continued. Peter took out the water lily he found before and placed it by the stone, "Look! I've got you a present too!" Peter let out another violent cough that left him gasping for air and speechless for a moment. "D-Don't worry about me, I'm completely fine. Besides… I told you I wouldn't leave you. And now finally… I can keep that promise."
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leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
I had a strong sense of deja vu upon reading the two letters, Vy. This appears to be a small part of a much larger story. Can you remind me again who is Vy?

As usual, I find it hard to equal your ability to describe and pen beautiful prose. So, I will go with writing what I felt reading your entry.

The style of writing appears to be quite a lot on explaining the environment Peter was in and how did that environment come to be. Peter's motivation is this entry felt intentionally unclear right up to the end.

At first I thought that the story was going to be about the aftermath of the war and how devastating it was for poor Peter. I thought to myself what was the use of going into detail the destruction that civil war inflicted on the city. I think if I knew the motivations of Peter, I would appreciate these descriptions more.

Was there a hint on what Peter intended to do when he said, "I won't leave you?" It was cryptic and I thought that the entry can do with dropping more hints.

I asked the same questions on what is the purpose when the entry continued on describing what he went through in university.

This appears to be like a newspaper report with lots of details about the scenery. "How can your entry be made more like a newspaper report?", I thought to myself. I suppose if you were to indicate the purpose of the story or report, I would take more interest in those excellent descriptions of yours. (I really enjoy reading newspaper reports or descriptions of faraway places, mind you.)

So, in summary I think I would like to know what is Peter's purpose for going to the city and the reasons why I should care about the destruction of the city. I think that was done in this entry to some extent. I suppose the problem is that the entry could do more to indicate that this is the focus of the story.

The last paragraph convinced me that I am only reading part of a much larger story. It felt sinister though. It seemed as if Peter wanted to do a Quasimodo and bury himself alive with the dead gypsy.

The following is an account of a journalist's visit to Detroit. It explains why it fell, makes comparisons to more successful cities, together with descriptions of its decay. I can tell you that the journalist shares your hero's name. Your entry felt like that report. Why am I more concerned about Detroit than the ruined city of your entry, even though I am not from the US? It puzzles me.

Perhaps this entry should centre on Vy.

Spoiler:
This was once the capital city of capitalism, the great roaring furnace at the very centre of America’s rise to world power and greatness. Stalin wanted to copy it on the banks of the Volga, but found he couldn’t replicate its spirit – or its cars.



Aldous Huxley’s great prophetic novel Brave New World was written on the assumption that the ideas of its founder, Henry Ford, especially that †˜history is bunk’, would one day take over the planet. He may yet turn out to be right.



Certainly, Ford’s desire for a world of vast mass-production factories in which the workers were paid enough to keep the economy going by buying their own products seems to be coming true. But nowadays it is mainly coming true in China and South Korea, and failing in Detroit itself.





America’s fabled rise to world power and wealth may only have been an overture to China’s seizure of world dominance.



The revolutionary artist Diego Rivera made a pilgrimage to Detroit to paint – in a gigantic, overpowering fresco – the very spirit of frenzied, unstoppable economic ferocity, ruthless, cold and majestic. Detroit’s original heart was crammed with some of the most exuberant and powerful buildings of the American mid-century: colossal, ornate theatres and cinemas, mighty hotels and department stores, all emphasising energy, movement, optimism and power.



In the Second World War, Franklin Roosevelt christened the city the †˜Arsenal of Democracy’ as it turned from making Cadillacs and Fords to producing 35 per cent of America’s war production: tanks, Jeeps and B-24 bombers by the tens of thousands. The wartime expansion drew in 200,000 immigrants, many of them blacks from the South.



In the Sixties it produced its own art form, the thrilling, emotional music of Motown (now relocated to Los Angeles).



Its uneasy peace between business and unions, soothed by generous benefits and pensions, gave its name in 1950 to the so-called Treaty of Detroit, a national pact between capital and labour that lasted 30 years until Ronald Reagan broke it, and which many American workers look back on with nostalgia.



And it was one of the cities of the †˜Promised Land’, the new future sought by countless black Americans who left the bigoted, segregated American South in the hope of a new life, drawn by the high wages of the new factories, and found that the officially liberal American North was just as bigoted and segregated, just less frank about it than they were back in Dixieland.





It is a melodramatic place. How could it not be? It sits on the frontier of the United States, captured by us British in the war of 1812 and heavily fortified thereafter in case we came back (we never did, and certainly nobody would want it now). It is by common agreement the last eastern city before America opens out into the big skies of the Midwest. It was the last station on the †˜underground railroad’ by which fugitive slaves made their way to Canada and freedom before the Civil War.



Now, true to its past, Detroit is not just fading away gracefully, but noisily sick and dying, expiring as spectacularly as it once lived. Fifty years ago it was the fifth-largest city in the United States, with 1.85 million people. Now it is eleventh, with just over 700,000 people. It is likely to fall further behind as it shrinks, and as more Americans head for the Sun Belt and the flourishing South West, away from this blighted, dingy Rust Belt.



Each year at Halloween more of it is burned down in a mixture of wild destruction and insurance fraud. You can walk right through its majestic downtown in the middle of the morning and meet nobody at all. There is no danger of being mugged, as a mugger in this part of town might have to wait hours for a client.



Most of the great buildings are ghosts: hotels that haven’t seen a guest in years, department stores where the last customer left decades ago, abandoned dentists’ surgeries where the elaborate Forties chairs moulder in echoing solitude. Where there was optimism, there is now nothing but melancholy.



Sometimes the majestic hulks are brought down in giant explosions.



Sometimes they are brutally recycled, so that you can find the sad traces of a beautiful theatre’s ornate ceiling stranded madly in a multi-storey car park. But mostly they have just been left forlorn, the windows of their high floors sparkling misleadingly in the sun, but the grand doorways at street-level smeared with dust and firmly locked.



A little way out you can see the colossal wreck of the old Packard factory, a monument to the passing nature of commercial success. Once, Packard was as well-known and renowned as its rival, Cadillac. Now it is almost forgotten.

As is so common in America, with its endless space, the corpse of this enormous building has not been demolished. Why bother? Instead it has been left to decay, a dangerous wasteland of sagging roofs and jagged edges, frightening in its emptiness and silence. It is strangely moving to imagine that in my lifetime this place was a source of pride and (false) security to thousands of men.



Brave efforts are made to keep life going in the middle of the city. A few excellent restaurants do surprisingly good business in the evenings, much of it from prosperous black families. A grand hotel has been reopened. There are some dispiriting casinos, those invariable signs of economic desperation. But real life, the sort that makes for crowded pavements, exhilarating noise, bright lights and business, has departed to the far fringes of the suburbs. You can find it, for instance, out in Dearborn, where America’s biggest Arab Muslim community is forming, in unspoken defiance of the post-September 11 belief that their way of life is incompatible with America’s.



But they seldom cross the border into Detroit, perhaps having a heightened sense of approaching danger. And it is a border. As you pass the city limits a blanket of gloom, neglect and cheapness descends. The buildings are shabbier, the paint is faded. The businesses, where they exist, are thrift shops and pawn shops or wretched groceries where the goods are old and tired. Finding somewhere to have breakfast, normally easy in any American city, involves a long hunt. †˜God bless Detroit’, says one billboard, just beside another offering the alternative solution: liquor.





Nobody actually wants Detroit to perish. Many clever people have spent billions of dollars trying to revive it. General Motors, no longer the power it once was, now occupies the aggressive new Renaissance Center which stares across the river to Canada. A monorail, that favourite toy of town planners who want to look ultra-modern, circles the riverfront zone, largely empty and going from nowhere to nowhere.



Glowering over the main entrance to the city stands a tall and frowning structure, dark and dispiriting even in bright sunshine. This is the abandoned Michigan Central Railroad Station, rearing up like an enormous tombstone. It is impossible to see it without feeling a strange fear for the future. Is this how all the great cities of the mighty West will one day look?



Through here, in the lost boom years, came businessmen hastening to sign contracts, politicians looking for finance from business, unions or both, government contractors gearing up for war, Southern blacks and their families seeking a new life. Now it is a ruin, ringed by razor-wire, its windows broken, its superb arrivals hall a shadowy, chilly tomb, its many silent platforms invaded by weeds. The few remaining trains do not even come here any more. The neighbourhood is not safe after dark.



The main road that leads from here into the heart of Detroit is so worn that the asphalt has peeled away to reveal the Edwardian cobbles beneath. No doubt something can be rescued. But much has gone already. I have yet to get to the worst.



This is to be found near where Van Dyke Avenue intersects with Mack Avenue. Where prosperous, neat suburban homes once stood, pheasants flap and knee-high grass obscures the foundations of vanished homes.



Occasionally a half-ruined or half-burned house still stands to remind you that this used to be a cityscape. Pathetic, besieged knots of surviving homes remind you of what was once here. Sometimes amazing efforts have been made to keep them smart. More often, they haven’t.



Many bear menacing notices warning visitors to stay away. On the door of one, easy to imagine as a neat home with an iron-pillared porch where the head of the family must once have sat on summer evenings, are the words †˜Enter at ya own risk’ accompanied by a crude drawing of an angry face.



I ventured into a nearby ruin, smashed, charred and half-filled with garbage. You have no idea who or what might be lurking in these houses. I lacked the courage to go in any deeper than the front room, in case I plunged through a rotten floor or met somebody unpleasant. The towers of downtown, only a couple of miles away, are visible from the front porch.





But they, too, are mostly empty, and are not reassuring.



There are real perils. My photographer colleague, Brian Kersey, and I were investigating a particularly desolate street when two large and purposeful dogs, one a pit-bull, came pelting towards us. I have not run so fast since I was at school.



Not far away, the danger might well have been human. Much of Detroit is horribly dangerous for its own residents, who in many cases only stay because they have nowhere else to go. Property crime is double the American average, violent crime triple. The isolated, peeling homes, the flooded roads, the clunky, rusted old cars and the neglected front yards amid trees and groin-high grassland make you think you are in rural Alabama, not in one of the greatest industrial cities that ever existed.



Amazingly, only a short walk away, the remnants of a rich man’s quarter, the so-called Indian Village, still survive. Here the owners of spacious early 20th Century mansions keep up appearances by tending the empty houses next to them, making them look occupied, mowing the lawns and sweeping the leaves, in the hope that nobody will burn them down and spread the blight.



A journey eastwards along Mack Avenue is simply sad. The city is sinking back into the deep forests and grassy plains that were here before Europeans ever came to North America. What buildings are left are seldom used for their original purpose. A once-grand bank is a sweet shop. Sordid-looking bars sit alongside the chapels of obscure religious sects. There are whole schools with no children to attend them. Step out of the car at the petrol station and you are immediately accosted by pathetic wraith-like figures in grimy clothes, with the prematurely-aged faces of drug abusers. This is urban failure in all its shabby misery.



Maggie DeSantis, a community worker and one of the leading experts on Detroit’s decline, explains how it all went wrong. Her history is not the conventional one, of the city being ruined by a corrupt black mayor: the notorious Coleman Young. It is far, far more complicated than that.



Because Detroit was a city based on the motor car, it was different from the start. Henry Ford paid his workers enough to buy the cars they made. And they did. So houses were more spread out and built on more generous lots than in most cities. Detroit was designed for car owners, who wouldn’t dream of using public transport, which barely existed anyway.



Maggie explains: †˜Even if you had a crummy house, it was your crummy house: you owned your own home, and ran your own car. But the things that made Detroit strong, the sprawling streets and the dependence on cars, also made it weak.’



When trouble came, the city was too widespread, the people too far from each other, the lives too individual, the temptation to flee to the remote edge of town too strong. It was fine to live in such a place when you had a job and a car. But if you didn’t, you were trapped and alone, left with a debt-burdened property you couldn’t sell and couldn’t leave.



The first tremors of change came with the war, but they intensified in the Fifties when blacks began moving out of the ghetto in the old centre. This district was typical of America before Martin Luther King. Known as †˜The Black Bottom’ or more politely as †˜Paradise Valley’, it was a complete society, in which the son of a labourer could and did grow up next door to the son of a doctor or a lawyer, and go to the same school.





But when Detroit became the first American city to surrender to the motorway, it had an excuse to break up this vibrant but squalid enclave. Black Americans began moving into the Detroit suburbs.

DeSantis has no doubt the planners meant to destroy the ghetto. Blacks who had come from Alabama, Georgia and Mississippi, enticed by high wages and hoping for a life free of prejudice, found a cold welcome in the rest of the city.



Detroit in those days was notorious for its thriving Ku Klux Klan and its bigoted police force. The city had suffered race riots as far back as 1943, caused by the crude segregation of hastily built and rare public housing.



The battles were so serious that in the midst of a war, thousands of troops were needed to restore order, 34 people died and hundreds were injured.

So, when thousands of displaced black families relocated, estate agents sought to profit by scaring white residents out. Then they bought their houses cheaply, and sold them at a heavy profit to black incomers. This cynical process was called †˜block-busting’, a technique of panicking people in entire districts into leaving, with coded warnings of black invasion.

DeSantis recalls: †˜I remember them using scare tactics. I remember in my Fifties neighbourhood, posters saying, “Sell for cash and get out while you can.” ’



Meanwhile, the city planners were encouraging still more blight. Because this was the City of Cars, rather than maintain or extend public transport, they built a web of motorways which encouraged more sprawl and broke up settled neighbourhoods. Better-off whites began to move beyond the city limits into new suburbs with lower taxes and superior schools.



Then in 1967 the city’s name was besmirched so badly it has never recovered. A second terrible race riot left 43 dead and nearly 500 injured. Federal troops, deployed under an anti-insurrection law dating back to 1807, eventually imposed a sullen peace.



Already, inch by inch, and largely thanks to whites moving out, Detroit was becoming a black majority city. The 1967 disaster speeded up the process. In 1974 it elected its first black mayor, Coleman Young. He would later become notorious as the man who helped kill Detroit. His election, fairly or unfairly, was a signal for faster white flight. DeSantis says Young has been unfairly blamed, and that the disaster had already begun to happen. Both versions probably have some truth in them.



But it was the 1973 Middle East war, and the ensuing oil price rise, which finally tipped Detroit over the edge and down the slope into unstoppable decline. From that moment, its big fat petrol-slurping monster cars were obsolete. The US car industry lost the confidence even of patriotic Americans, and has never fully regained it.



Meanwhile, the housing crisis grew and grew. There was already a stupid, state-encouraged mortgage boom, with the government lending to people who could never pay off their loans: an early version of the sub-prime crisis. The first crack cocaine made its appearance, sweeping through the listless, gap-toothed, jobless suburbs.



And the local politicians and businessmen floundered. As DeSantis puts it: †˜We could not get a grip on the fact that we were no longer in the top ten cities of the USA.’ They still cannot. It may take a while yet before Detroit can admit that it is probably just doomed to decline.



The most dramatic development in recent years is the idea that farming might return in the new †˜prairies’ where the city has died. But even this has met with scorn and opposition. The city fathers do not really want to see combine harvesters and barns, let alone pigs and chickens, in the middle of their proud and historic cityscape.



And yet, out among the derelict houses, a modest but determined effort is being made to turn the new badlands to good use. In a bleak corner of the city echoing to the hooters of freight trains, I found Mike Score, of Hantz Farms, cleaning up the site of some derelict houses. †˜I’ve just shifted 400 tyres, plus 200 cubic yards of garbage and waste,’ he said, happily. Detroit has plenty of garbage and debris. But it also has plenty of land. House sites can be bought from the city for $300 (£190), each, which adds up to $3,000 an acre, exactly the price of good farmland outside the city limits.



Mike is going to block off one end of the street to stop the fly-tipping of yet more old tyres on this modest plot. Then he explains what comes next: †˜The city thought a farm meant a big red barn, with pigs and chickens. And they also thought red barns, pigs and chickens would be negative, a sign of defeat and failure. So we drew them a picture of what we meant: orchards, hardwood plantations, gardens, hydroponic greenhouses.’



He says it’s time Detroit had a new trademark, instead of the Renaissance Center, which everyone knows has not led to a renaissance. Why not civilised, cultivated green space where wilderness now is? He says with unfeigned enthusiasm: †˜I want this to be one of the landmarks of this city.’



He can see I’m disappointed by his modest ambitions, which really amount to a little bit of market gardening, not much more agricultural than an English allotment. †˜No, no corn, no sheep, no cattle’, he admits.



But if the city decides to encourage the plan, 40 out of its total area of 139 square miles are estimated to be vacant lots. With the true level of unemployment touching 50 per cent, there are plenty of people who might be interested in returning to the land.



The founder of the farming business, John Hantz, was the one who had the idea. Mike Score recalls: †˜He was driving to work past yet another closed business, yet another burnt out house. He realised that the city wouldn’t do anything about it. And eventually, he concluded that if he didn’t do anything, nobody would.’



It’s impossible to say if this will come to anything. My own guess is that the most likely crop to flourish on these sad fields will be cannabis, grown to satisfy a rising demand for †˜medical marijuana’, the cover under which the supposedly draconian United States is quietly legalising this drug in many states – including here in Michigan.



Another even more radical scheme for resurrecting the dead centre has come from Geoffrey Fieger, a Detroit lawyer who made his name defending the late Dr Jack Kevorkian or †˜Doctor Death’, the notorious local pioneer of assisted suicide. Having represented death, Fieger has now turned his attention to resurrection. He recently declared: †˜I could turn it (Detroit) around in five minutes.



†˜I’d shovel the snow and I’d clean the streets and parks. Then, I’d tell the police department to leave marijuana alone and don’t spend one dime trying to enforce marijuana laws. I also would not enforce prostitution laws and I’d make us the new Amsterdam.We would attract young people. You make Detroit a fun city. A place they want to live and they would flock here.’



Since Fieger was the Democratic Party’s candidate for Governor of Michigan in 1998, he cannot be easily dismissed as a fringe wacko figure.



But if Detroit, once the mighty arsenal of democracy, is going to descend into being a patchwork Babylon of girly bars, brothels, casinos, druggy coffee shops, allotments and hydroponic cannabis farms, it is more likely to do it gradually and accidentally than as the result of a deliberate decision.



I came here soon after an equally unsettling visit to another empty city, Kangbashi in Inner Mongolia. There, the people are yet to come. Here they are going, and one day they may all have gone, leaving a strange green hole and some melancholy ruins where a mighty civilisation used to be.

Sincere and thoughtful men and women are doing all they can to save it from this fate. But that only makes the scene sadder and more dispiriting.



They have been trying to rescue Detroit for years, and for years Detroit has continued to be sucked back into the ground from which it was born.



Just as in China you can hear the roar and thunder of growth and ambition and the shouts of greed and triumph, in Detroit you can hear the whispers and sighs of decay and decline. For more than two centuries, America balanced on top of a wave of growth and power like a triumphant surf rider. Now she wallows in decline and the rest of us wait to see what that will bring.
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Livided FAKKU Writer
Was worth the wait, another work by someone which I think is their best I read yet, albeit I have only read one work before. =P

Has the style, atmopshere building and sort of story I really relate to and I have very little else to add but to say easily top 3 best stories I read of this year's entries. Beautifully written, excellent use of words and how you describe the world around the character.

Very well done and good luck to the rest of the contest!
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well I probably did not enjoy this as much as Livided did. though I could somehow agreed that this is beautifully written and you've done something which I couldn't ever churn out from my lousy brain.

a lot of work seems to be going through the descriptions, and probably lots of reference reading with composition studies, that makes the scenery somehow poignant. for the first three paragraphs or so, it completely drawn me in. I kind of expected something more, then it eventually fell flat all over the place and I unfortunately had to skim through the end until the ending goes and I know what's finally going on.

the majority of the words spent about Peter walking, reminiscing, and walking until he reached Vy's grave. even if it's beautifully done with lots of effort, I think you're basically overdoing it. you know, if it come to this, I much prefer your entry for the last year even though you've shown vast improvements on your writing skills.

there's something about writing poignant narratives, but nothing of good comes when you're overdoing things. what differs about this from last year, I think the last one's actually have a heartwarming interaction between the characters. when this one's seemingly static and basically telling the things with too much words.

you know, I'm not really the one who should be telling this, but well, hope you finally got what's really the most important for you in writing.

last but not least, it's a really well-written piace and I believe many people will like it and it's a strong contender for winning. though for me, I just plainly say what I think - no matter how good it is.
0
mibuchiha Fakku Elder
This is the most pornish entry among those I read. Very well done. Strong contender for victory.

Although some parts were redundantly worded. And I think you forgot some words here and there.

Lastly,

high_time wrote...
but nothing of good comes when you're overdoing things.


...wut. Writing is all about taking it up to eleven.
0
mibuchiha wrote...
...wut. Writing is all about taking it up to eleven.


well probably just the differences in opinions, people could easily said otherwise about what I think hahaha =D

in that case I'm more of a slacker, so yeah.
0
Beautiful. The level of deatail for imagery was suberb, you included the sensations for Peter, his thoughts, and the ending blasted me away with a bitter-sweet romantic scene.

I have a question, did Peter get shot? That was my thought about the ending. He just dropped there about to die. I'm really curious.
0
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
mibuchiha wrote...
This is the most pornish entry among those I read. Very well done. Strong contender for victory.

Although some parts were redundantly worded. And I think you forgot some words here and there.

Lastly,

high_time wrote...
but nothing of good comes when you're overdoing things.


...wut. Writing is all about taking it up to eleven.


What high and I feel about xnine's entry is similar. Why spend so much effort creating what you call 'pornish' scenery? Why tell me this? What is Peter going to do? Writing to me, is all about communication.

xnine's entry felt like a journalist's article but it lacked something for me to care about. Detroit, in the journalist's article, is a great city that fell into ruin. I think that made me care about Detroit. Why did it fall?

I thought if xnine made more references to the city and why it was important, I would appreciate the story more. I think referencing Vy more would be a good idea to do this.

I am not sure if high thinks the exact way I do.
0
xninebreaker FAKKU Writer
Leonard
Spoiler:
leonard267 wrote...
I had a strong sense of deja vu upon reading the two letters, Vy. This appears to be a small part of a much larger story. Can you remind me again who is Vy?

As usual, I find it hard to equal your ability to describe and pen beautiful prose. So, I will go with writing what I felt reading your entry.

The style of writing appears to be quite a lot on explaining the environment Peter was in and how did that environment come to be. Peter's motivation is this entry felt intentionally unclear right up to the end.

At first I thought that the story was going to be about the aftermath of the war and how devastating it was for poor Peter. I thought to myself what was the use of going into detail the destruction that civil war inflicted on the city. I think if I knew the motivations of Peter, I would appreciate these descriptions more.

Was there a hint on what Peter intended to do when he said, "I won't leave you?" It was cryptic and I thought that the entry can do with dropping more hints.

I asked the same questions on what is the purpose when the entry continued on describing what he went through in university.

This appears to be like a newspaper report with lots of details about the scenery. "How can your entry be made more like a newspaper report?", I thought to myself. I suppose if you were to indicate the purpose of the story or report, I would take more interest in those excellent descriptions of yours. (I really enjoy reading newspaper reports or descriptions of faraway places, mind you.)

So, in summary I think I would like to know what is Peter's purpose for going to the city and the reasons why I should care about the destruction of the city. I think that was done in this entry to some extent. I suppose the problem is that the entry could do more to indicate that this is the focus of the story.

The last paragraph convinced me that I am only reading part of a much larger story. It felt sinister though. It seemed as if Peter wanted to do a Quasimodo and bury himself alive with the dead gypsy.

The following is an account of a journalist's visit to Detroit. It explains why it fell, makes comparisons to more successful cities, together with descriptions of its decay. I can tell you that the journalist shares your hero's name. Your entry felt like that report. Why am I more concerned about Detroit than the ruined city of your entry, even though I am not from the US? It puzzles me.

Perhaps this entry should centre on Vy.


Spoiler:
leonard267 wrote...
What high and I feel about xnine's entry is similar. Why spend so much effort creating what you call 'pornish' scenery? Why tell me this? What is Peter going to do? Writing to me, is all about communication.

xnine's entry felt like a journalist's article but it lacked something for me to care about. Detroit, in the journalist's article, is a great city that fell into ruin. I think that made me care about Detroit. Why did it fall?

I thought if xnine made more references to the city and why it was important, I would appreciate the story more. I think referencing Vy more would be a good idea to do this.

I am not sure if high thinks the exact way I do.

I digress. I do not wish to skew the opinion of judges nor of anyone else that will be voting so I will hold off the theory and intention behind writing how I did. But, I will let you know that much of what you pointed out is most definitely not what I intended, so perhaps I simply didn't do a good enough job, which makes your comments quite nice criticism.

After this is over, or in a PM if you wish, I will post about the idea behind it. Much like when my last contest entry was bumped.

As for your deja vu, Vy and Peter are good friends of mine and have been together for the last 4-5 years or so and I have used their names for every single entry to-date. Their continued reincarnations have yet to be met with a good ending though, at least not yet.


Livided
Spoiler:
Livided wrote...
Was worth the wait, another work by someone which I think is their best I read yet, albeit I have only read one work before. =P

Has the style, atmopshere building and sort of story I really relate to and I have very little else to add but to say easily top 3 best stories I read of this year's entries. Beautifully written, excellent use of words and how you describe the world around the character.

Very well done and good luck to the rest of the contest!

Many thanks for the compliments! Your paradox of having read only 2 entries, but mines being in the top 3 is amusing. You should at least read one more so that your statement holds true! I'm glad you entered btw, looking forward to reading your story!


High
Spoiler:
high_time wrote...
well I probably did not enjoy this as much as Livided did. though I could somehow agreed that this is beautifully written and you've done something which I couldn't ever churn out from my lousy brain.

a lot of work seems to be going through the descriptions, and probably lots of reference reading with composition studies, that makes the scenery somehow poignant. for the first three paragraphs or so, it completely drawn me in. I kind of expected something more, then it eventually fell flat all over the place and I unfortunately had to skim through the end until the ending goes and I know what's finally going on.

the majority of the words spent about Peter walking, reminiscing, and walking until he reached Vy's grave. even if it's beautifully done with lots of effort, I think you're basically overdoing it. you know, if it come to this, I much prefer your entry for the last year even though you've shown vast improvements on your writing skills.

there's something about writing poignant narratives, but nothing of good comes when you're overdoing things. what differs about this from last year, I think the last one's actually have a heartwarming interaction between the characters. when this one's seemingly static and basically telling the things with too much words.

you know, I'm not really the one who should be telling this, but well, hope you finally got what's really the most important for you in writing.

last but not least, it's a really well-written piace and I believe many people will like it and it's a strong contender for winning. though for me, I just plainly say what I think - no matter how good it is.

Like with Leonard I don't want to explain too much of my writing, especially just yet. However, I will let you know that my last entry was far more heart-warming, but I think that had a lot to do with the theme of 'giving' last contest. This contest's theme is 'cold', and let's just say I tried to embody it.

It is very nice to hear that you think my writing has improved though. And I think I'm getting closer to how I want to write, but obviously there is still much to learn.


Mibu
Spoiler:
mibuchiha wrote...
This is the most pornish entry among those I read. Very well done. Strong contender for victory.

Although some parts were redundantly worded. And I think you forgot some words here and there.

Many thanks Mibu, means a lot if you are saying it's a good contender. And yeah, I wish my vocabulary was larger, I could feel the redundancy when I was writing. Even with plenty of editing, it still lingers. Something for me to work on I'd say.


Solid/Humbug
Spoiler:
HumbugsAssociate wrote...
Beautiful. The level of deatail for imagery was suberb, you included the sensations for Peter, his thoughts, and the ending blasted me away with a bitter-sweet romantic scene.

I have a question, did Peter get shot? That was my thought about the ending. He just dropped there about to die. I'm really curious.

I couldn't ask for kinder words, many thanks... er... what do I call you? For now, thanks Solid. As for Peter's condition, it was not implied that he was shot or anything. He's simply very fatigued/exhausted, though you are correct in that his death is essentially imminent.
0
Livided FAKKU Writer
xninebreaker wrote...
Livided
Spoiler:
Livided wrote...
Was worth the wait, another work by someone which I think is their best I read yet, albeit I have only read one work before. =P

Has the style, atmopshere building and sort of story I really relate to and I have very little else to add but to say easily top 3 best stories I read of this year's entries. Beautifully written, excellent use of words and how you describe the world around the character.

Very well done and good luck to the rest of the contest!

Many thanks for the compliments! Your paradox of having read only 2 entries, but mines being in the top 3 is amusing. You should at least read one more so that your statement holds true! I'm glad you entered btw, looking forward to reading your story!


I have read almost every entry of this year, what I meant with the one work before was reffering to you and yer entry of 2012, hence only read 2 of YOUR stories before. Hope that clears things up. =P
0
xninebreaker FAKKU Writer
Livided wrote...
I have read almost every entry of this year, what I meant with the one work before was reffering to you and yer entry of 2012, hence only read 2 of YOUR stories before. Hope that clears things up. =P


Wow that makes plenty of sense now XD
0
mibuchiha Fakku Elder
xninebreaker wrote...

Many thanks Mibu, means a lot if you are saying it's a good contender. And yeah, I wish my vocabulary was larger, I could feel the redundancy when I was writing. Even with plenty of editing, it still lingers. Something for me to work on I'd say.


Well, I'm not sure if bigger vocab would have helped in the case I had in mind... I'll show it.

He finally became something he always dreamed of; he finally became someone who could support a family.


I feel quite strongly that the sentence could do just as well, if not better, without the second 'he finally became'.

On forgetting words:

The weight of his jacket and pants, the wetness of his hair, the freezing wind that blew, the stinging absence another voice, and the destruction that stretched for miles were all forgotten for just one moment.


The stinging absence another voice. I found myself inserting an 'of' there. I remembered finding some more but these to me were the most obvious. It didn't detract much from the overall experience though, as this is written in a way that sucks me in.

And for those who haven't noticed, by porn I meant description porn.
0
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
Spoiler:
xninebreaker wrote...
Leonard
Spoiler:
leonard267 wrote...
I had a strong sense of deja vu upon reading the two letters, Vy. This appears to be a small part of a much larger story. Can you remind me again who is Vy?

As usual, I find it hard to equal your ability to describe and pen beautiful prose. So, I will go with writing what I felt reading your entry.

The style of writing appears to be quite a lot on explaining the environment Peter was in and how did that environment come to be. Peter's motivation is this entry felt intentionally unclear right up to the end.

At first I thought that the story was going to be about the aftermath of the war and how devastating it was for poor Peter. I thought to myself what was the use of going into detail the destruction that civil war inflicted on the city. I think if I knew the motivations of Peter, I would appreciate these descriptions more.

Was there a hint on what Peter intended to do when he said, "I won't leave you?" It was cryptic and I thought that the entry can do with dropping more hints.

I asked the same questions on what is the purpose when the entry continued on describing what he went through in university.

This appears to be like a newspaper report with lots of details about the scenery. "How can your entry be made more like a newspaper report?", I thought to myself. I suppose if you were to indicate the purpose of the story or report, I would take more interest in those excellent descriptions of yours. (I really enjoy reading newspaper reports or descriptions of faraway places, mind you.)

So, in summary I think I would like to know what is Peter's purpose for going to the city and the reasons why I should care about the destruction of the city. I think that was done in this entry to some extent. I suppose the problem is that the entry could do more to indicate that this is the focus of the story.

The last paragraph convinced me that I am only reading part of a much larger story. It felt sinister though. It seemed as if Peter wanted to do a Quasimodo and bury himself alive with the dead gypsy.

The following is an account of a journalist's visit to Detroit. It explains why it fell, makes comparisons to more successful cities, together with descriptions of its decay. I can tell you that the journalist shares your hero's name. Your entry felt like that report. Why am I more concerned about Detroit than the ruined city of your entry, even though I am not from the US? It puzzles me.

Perhaps this entry should centre on Vy.


Spoiler:
leonard267 wrote...
What high and I feel about xnine's entry is similar. Why spend so much effort creating what you call 'pornish' scenery? Why tell me this? What is Peter going to do? Writing to me, is all about communication.

xnine's entry felt like a journalist's article but it lacked something for me to care about. Detroit, in the journalist's article, is a great city that fell into ruin. I think that made me care about Detroit. Why did it fall?

I thought if xnine made more references to the city and why it was important, I would appreciate the story more. I think referencing Vy more would be a good idea to do this.

I am not sure if high thinks the exact way I do.

I digress. I do not wish to skew the opinion of judges nor of anyone else that will be voting so I will hold off the theory and intention behind writing how I did. But, I will let you know that much of what you pointed out is most definitely not what I intended, so perhaps I simply didn't do a good enough job, which makes your comments quite nice criticism.

After this is over, or in a PM if you wish, I will post about the idea behind it. Much like when my last contest entry was bumped.

As for your deja vu, Vy and Peter are good friends of mine and have been together for the last 4-5 years or so and I have used their names for every single entry to-date. Their continued reincarnations have yet to be met with a good ending though, at least not yet.


Livided
Spoiler:
Livided wrote...
Was worth the wait, another work by someone which I think is their best I read yet, albeit I have only read one work before. =P

Has the style, atmopshere building and sort of story I really relate to and I have very little else to add but to say easily top 3 best stories I read of this year's entries. Beautifully written, excellent use of words and how you describe the world around the character.

Very well done and good luck to the rest of the contest!

Many thanks for the compliments! Your paradox of having read only 2 entries, but mines being in the top 3 is amusing. You should at least read one more so that your statement holds true! I'm glad you entered btw, looking forward to reading your story!


High
Spoiler:
high_time wrote...
well I probably did not enjoy this as much as Livided did. though I could somehow agreed that this is beautifully written and you've done something which I couldn't ever churn out from my lousy brain.

a lot of work seems to be going through the descriptions, and probably lots of reference reading with composition studies, that makes the scenery somehow poignant. for the first three paragraphs or so, it completely drawn me in. I kind of expected something more, then it eventually fell flat all over the place and I unfortunately had to skim through the end until the ending goes and I know what's finally going on.

the majority of the words spent about Peter walking, reminiscing, and walking until he reached Vy's grave. even if it's beautifully done with lots of effort, I think you're basically overdoing it. you know, if it come to this, I much prefer your entry for the last year even though you've shown vast improvements on your writing skills.

there's something about writing poignant narratives, but nothing of good comes when you're overdoing things. what differs about this from last year, I think the last one's actually have a heartwarming interaction between the characters. when this one's seemingly static and basically telling the things with too much words.

you know, I'm not really the one who should be telling this, but well, hope you finally got what's really the most important for you in writing.

last but not least, it's a really well-written piace and I believe many people will like it and it's a strong contender for winning. though for me, I just plainly say what I think - no matter how good it is.

Like with Leonard I don't want to explain too much of my writing, especially just yet. However, I will let you know that my last entry was far more heart-warming, but I think that had a lot to do with the theme of 'giving' last contest. This contest's theme is 'cold', and let's just say I tried to embody it.

It is very nice to hear that you think my writing has improved though. And I think I'm getting closer to how I want to write, but obviously there is still much to learn.


Mibu
Spoiler:
mibuchiha wrote...
This is the most pornish entry among those I read. Very well done. Strong contender for victory.

Although some parts were redundantly worded. And I think you forgot some words here and there.

Many thanks Mibu, means a lot if you are saying it's a good contender. And yeah, I wish my vocabulary was larger, I could feel the redundancy when I was writing. Even with plenty of editing, it still lingers. Something for me to work on I'd say.


Solid/Humbug
Spoiler:
HumbugsAssociate wrote...
Beautiful. The level of deatail for imagery was suberb, you included the sensations for Peter, his thoughts, and the ending blasted me away with a bitter-sweet romantic scene.

I have a question, did Peter get shot? That was my thought about the ending. He just dropped there about to die. I'm really curious.

I couldn't ask for kinder words, many thanks... er... what do I call you? For now, thanks Solid. As for Peter's condition, it was not implied that he was shot or anything. He's simply very fatigued/exhausted, though you are correct in that his death is essentially imminent.


xnine, I was playing the Devil's Advocate. And indeed, while my preferences still lie with the proper conveyance of information due to my reading habits, it is hard to deny that a lot of effort was put into that piece.
1
FGRaptor FAKKU Writer
Sentence structure, punctuation and run-on sentences are an issue as I have seen many times now. Don’t be afraid of having sentences stand on their own, commas don’t have to be everywhere. You also have to watch for repetition (parts x3 in one sentence, slow walking / slow journey, passed by, “He remembered the days when […]”, etc.); try to read your work aloud or use word frequency counters.

Also I have to say again: add more details. Don’t say general things like “he finished university” or “he started college” or “he found a job with a salary”. Be specific. Tell us what university, what degree he finished with, and what job he found (and that a job is paid is quite the norm, you don’t have to highlight that, unless you meant to say it was especially well paid).

Another thing I have to say: don’t ever use the word †˜suddenly’ in creative writing. At least not in the context of “then suddenly this happened”. It’s just a lazy way of telling the reader that he is supposed to feel surprised because something happened suddenly. Instead, write it in such a way that it feels sudden and intense. I bet someone will tell me this is a stylistic thing, but I have to disagree strongly. It’s just not good writing. At one part here it doesn’t even fit either way: “Suddenly, he took a deep breath […]” – you are telling to be surprised because he took a deep breath? No.

Don’t bury dialogue in paragraphs.

Apart from repetition of words there is also repetition of content. As if you do not trust the reader to remember how the world looks you keep on talking about the dark sky and the same rubble and ruins again and again.

Both with that and the setting I cannot help but compare it to “The Road” which I had similar complaints about: repetition. One could argue it helps to highlight the blandness of the world, but it really just feels tedious to me.

The ending is a bit confusing. I also thought he was shot, but apparently he just got a pain in his leg. This could be made a lot clearer. I found the ending emotional and definitely not bad, but I can’t help but wonder about the actual logic behind the story. If Peter didn’t want to leave Vy, why was he so far away that he had to walk all the way to her grave here? Was he somewhere else, heard of her death and then came here? That seems unlikely given they were a pair. Was he out looking for supplies? Why not just look in the city or just stay with the grave anyway if he wanted to die there?

The explanation about what happened – the war, the military killing the citizens of the city and then joining the enemy – also seem out of place and lackluster. I find it hard to believe a military force would just kill off an entire city of their country, it really makes little sense. Joining enemy forces is also not that easy, especially if the two nations are at war. They would, in the best case, get captured alive and maybe their weapons would be used, but I highly doubt they would just join up with the enemy’s forces.

I really think the story could have done without details like this – it destroyed the sense of mystery about what happened and it wasn’t needed for the story – which was about Peter making his journey through the landscape (for whatever reason).


Final Thoughts:

I enjoyed the read, but I feel like the questions I had were not answered. The important things – like the reason behind Peter’s journey, his life, Vy’s life, and their personalities – seem to not be addressed and so I am left to wonder. The descriptions of the world are nicely done, but nothing stood out and it lacked some special moments or sights to really highlight the fall of humanity. The water lily was probably the nicest and most memorable moment, but it seemed a little too magical with your description of it. It contrasted too strongly with the rest of the story. What might need work are sentence structure, run-on sentences and choice of words.
0
xninebreaker wrote...

Solid/Humbug
Spoiler:
HumbugsAssociate wrote...
Beautiful. The level of deatail for imagery was suberb, you included the sensations for Peter, his thoughts, and the ending blasted me away with a bitter-sweet romantic scene.

I have a question, did Peter get shot? That was my thought about the ending. He just dropped there about to die. I'm really curious.

I couldn't ask for kinder words, many thanks... er... what do I call you? For now, thanks Solid. As for Peter's condition, it was not implied that he was shot or anything. He's simply very fatigued/exhausted, though you are correct in that his death is essentially imminent.


Call me Humbugs or Associate.

But he was well some paragraphs ago, I don't see why he had to be exhausted all of a sudden.

A continuation story where he has flashbacks before dying about Vy would be great.
0
The military forces that were 'protecting' the city soon joined up with the enemy forces as they rolled through the torn city.


What? I'm sorry, but the way this all went down just sounds so dumb. If the defending army needs to crack down on people being disobedient, okay. However, I find it hard to believe that they would just be like, "Fuck it, kill all of these ungrateful bastards and destroy the city we were supposed to protect. We might as well commit treason and join the enemy army while we're at it."

Another problem I had with this is that it felt more like Peter was just aimlessly wandering around. Only until the end when he was walking through the graveyard did i realize he had a specific goal and location in mind. Going back and reading the beginning, I did notice this:

Peter continued his slow journey forward.


which definitely gives a sense of purpose. But other than that, there's next to nothing else.

The descriptions are good. They give us a nice feel of the city and the area around it without getting hyper-detailed. The setting is a fairly generic post-apocalyptic city, but I don't see that as necessarily good or bad in its own right. I myself have no problem with it, but you don't do anything that's going to win over people who are averse to it.

The plot is decent and fitting for 2000 words. The issue I have with it is its execution for the reason I already gave above.
0
Reading yours is certainly an experience that's for sure.
I suppose mentioning what made me tilt my head should come first, I felt that though peter was a focus the world was given a bit more attention than him, I believe this was mentioned above with Leonard but that's pretty much what got to me.
Later on I learn more about Peter but it's rather miniscule.


All of that aside I'm glad Peter was given some explanation so I got to know more of his character, perhaps not enough to feel for him but he's not random character number 1 by the end of it. I understand he got his life together and finished university and lost it all later Vy included along with other matters.
The descriptions of said city are just...I can't find a word to describe the descriptions if that's any hint as to how much I enjoyed it.
I felt like it went on for a bit on the descriptions but the detail put into it kept me reading, normally I lose interest after a bit but since that didn't happen you get a thumbs up from me.
0
I had a enjoyable read. I'm sorry for not commenting on the piece earlier as I hadn't have the time to. Also congrats for going to the finals.

I will give my opinions of what I felt reading the story (in no particular order I think).

It was a beautifully written piece, I have to say. The city after destruction came up quite vividly in my head as I read. I can easily tell how devastating was the rumble - what is left of the city. You sure did put lots of effort into creating that. I think everybody who read yours story agree on this point. I felt like I was looking at the rumbled scenery in Black Rock Shooter when you read about the city.

I did find myself enjoy the story as I read on, but of course nothing is perfect. Although I like what you described as the city, I felt it was a bit too much (and so did high and leonard)? I meant, most of the story you spent depicting the empty city that went through war and was left in rubble. Peter didn't have that much space to tell his own life story (btw, I think the part about his college was a bit redundant, too). I think there's two ways for me of understanding Peter's past:

1)Peter was a citizen in the city, one of the lucky people that were able to get out of the city, but then it could be hard to explain what others have inquired about Peter's past above.

2)Peter was in the army, the very army that "turned on the very city it was protecting" and "joined up with the enemy forces". As he had just got out from college and had a bright future ahead of him, he was forced to go to the army when they begin the war. I think that might be the explanation for the college part readers, myself included, have been asking. Peter could have been forced to the attack very city where Vy live, or worse, to have killed her himself. He was then forced again to join up with the people he despised. After the war ended (or it may have not), somehow Peter came back to this city, to fulfill his promise and stuff (the lily thing was sure a nice touch, btw). Wow, some imagination I have got, huh?

I would lean on the latter self-proclaim true identity of Peter (lol). Either way, I think you should have focused more on Peter's and Vy's past, because that is what drives him, isn't it? Then readers should have more information on their pasts.

I think the ending was great, dunnno why others didn't think so. A guy, who was driven out of the city by war, now finally come back for his lover, even though she was dead, but he's willing to die only by her side. Man, that is such a lovely, but sad, story. I wouldn't have changed the ending any other way, perhaps, as I have said, add more backgrounds regarding their relationships so readers could relate better to the characters. Again, blame on the word limit, but I think you could cut down some unwanted tour-around-the-city scenes.

It's weird that an army could turn their backs as easily as that, people have already pointed out. Also, the flowers and stuffs could survive in the rumble? I think that is abstract and stereotypical.

I don't have anything to say about grammar. Listen to FGRaptor, he's the king in the field (well, I guess beside the judges). I have learnt a lot reading his comments in the entries

Final thoughts:
It is a good piece of prose and I think you have outdone yourself comparing to last year's entry. There are several unanswered mysteries left in the story, but I think that's fine since it's not so hard if you use some imagination. This certainly has the potential to be expanded and made into a bigger story and I would love to see that.
1
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
This is a parody of the entry not done by me but done by high_time. I thought it brilliant and decided to post it with xninebreaker's permission:


I have come towards a city to seek the grave of my loved one. How her loss deeply saddens me. She was, my joy, my love, my true genuine, love. She was my love, my everything, love, my love, and my love. Why must I repeat the word 'love' so many times? Simple enough - it shows how much I loved her, that's all.

The city was broken down due to the post-apocalyptic thing, just without the zombies in order to make it even more cliched. The remainder of the story will be spent on my melancholic monologue, because I don't like describing the ugliness in my heart. only true beauty, lies in melancholy, with verbosely written poetic sense that makes no sense at all.

Behold - lo to the orient where the cowbells sing - and hence the cross might fall upwards and the tentacles brim - so the birds flutter and the drawbridges flown - at the Daybreaks' Disaster the minstrels sung! I have come, to attend the grave of my loved one - how shall I endure her loss? The magnificence of poetry so the poignant musings of prose could not compare to the weight of my sadness! I am lost, I am truly lost - indeed.

CRAWLING IN MY SKIN
THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEAL
FEAR IS HOW I FALL
CONFUSING WHAT IS REAL


When I finally came to her grave, I totally forgotten what I should be doing. Everything was lost in my singing, poetry, and compilation of short prose. For the long ones, just remember to buy my book at amazon.com.

This is the end of my most emotional commercial ever.
1
xninebreaker FAKKU Writer
It's about time I gave my thanks to everyone! I'll admit that the comments had me reflecting on and questioning my writing for a while, but I'm back from my recovery.

First, I'd like to explain some of my intentions and the plot in the story.

The story behind the city is that Peter's country was at war, and his city was predicted to be attacked next. The military in the city betrayed Peter's country. Under the guise of protecting the city, they locked the citizens in, and waited to rendezvous with the enemy military. Once they enemy drew closer, the traitors ran down the city.

I did not intend for Peter's journey through the city to actually tell a tale of the city. So, to address leonard, I did not have the intention of it reading like a newspaper or an article. I condensed all of the city's tale in that one paragraph in the beginning. The idea was to shift the reader's focus from 'what happened' to 'how does it look now'. You'll notice that the only other time the events of the war are mentioned is during the jewelry store, in which the intention was to highlight Peter's crushed dreams.

The purpose behind Peter's journey was to establish a very solid, very powerful atmosphere and setting. I wanted you to question his journey, and to also feel and see what he was going through. With each passage, I wanted the imagery in the readers' mind to become increasing grey and jaded to the chaos. The cold, grey imagery that was supposedly forming would heavily contrast and accentuate three objects in the story that had any sort of color or made Peter have a reaction: Peter's ring, the water lily, and the jagged gravestone. All three of the objects are symbols of Vy.

The ring represents their marriage and their love.

The water lily represents Vy and the color she brought into his life. Notably there were some lines I wanted to connect:
Spoiler:
The sound of the drizzle became almost nonexistent, and the sound of Peter's shoes crashing and lifting mud resounded in the silent landscape. The ground that he walked on was mostly barren, but there were patches of flowers and weeds that dotted the field. A bit off to the side, he found a small pond with water lilies that had blossomed. He crouched down and scooped one of the lilies and held it up at eye level. The buildings he'd seen, the cars he'd seen, the bodies, the machines, and even the grass that he'd seen all seemed to be cast in a shade of gray, but the water lily that he held had vibrant combination of white and pink petals that seemed to rebel against stark surroundings. Peter gently smiled as he gazed at the flower with a sense of admiration.

He remembered the days when he had just begun college. He had little idea of what he wanted to be and even less motivation to think about it. His parents were too busy care, and his handful of friends were already blazing through to their careers. He lived with his days constantly cast in gray. He simply didn't care. While uninterested he often 'caught up' with old classmates and was often invited to parties, most of which he declined. However, after reluctantly attending a party, color invaded his simple grayscale life.

The third symbol is the jagged gravestone which represents Vy's final resting place.

The almost undamaged nature of the graveyard is supposed to imply that even the traitors didn't have the gall to run over a graveyard. However, the scattered stones amidst the uniform graves is representative of the chaos in the city. Even in a place supposedly untouched, the people of city had no time to properly bury the ones that died in the war.

Lastly, I did NOT intend to miss the mark so badly with Peter's ending. He wanted to keep his promise by staying with Vy forever. He forfeit his life right then and there. "He pulled a Quasimodo and buried himself alive with the dead gypsy" is quite accurate. He didn't bury himself, but lying there until he died is close enough I suppose. Leonard gets the silver medal, Dawn_of_Dark gets the gold.

Once again, the entire story was based on building atmosphere and setting to turn the reader as cold as uncaring as Peter. I wanted the three symbols to click and contrast with the reader as it did with Peter. And finally I wanted the reader to realize that even while knowing little to nothing about the city, about Peter, or about Vy, that it meant the world to Peter to simply just be beside her gravestone.

Nonetheless, I have failed on several levels it would seem. The approach I took was probably far too strange. I intentionally left out a lot of detail to isolate the things I wanted to and to maintain the grey, cold atmosphere, and that came back to bite me several fold. It seemed that little to nothing worked out in my favor. It seems I have a very lot to learn before I can accurately convey what I want to. It seems that the majority of readers acknowledged that the description was decent, so that's a good plus! At the very least, I enjoyed writing this.




FGRaptor
Spoiler:
FGRaptor wrote...
Sentence structure, punctuation and run-on sentences are an issue as I have seen many times now. Don’t be afraid of having sentences stand on their own, commas don’t have to be everywhere. You also have to watch for repetition (parts x3 in one sentence, slow walking / slow journey, passed by, “He remembered the days when […]”, etc.); try to read your work aloud or use word frequency counters.

Another thing I have to say: don’t ever use the word †˜suddenly’ in creative writing. At least not in the context of “then suddenly this happened”. It’s just a lazy way of telling the reader that he is supposed to feel surprised because something happened suddenly. Instead, write it in such a way that it feels sudden and intense. I bet someone will tell me this is a stylistic thing, but I have to disagree strongly. It’s just not good writing. At one part here it doesn’t even fit either way: “Suddenly, he took a deep breath […]” – you are telling to be surprised because he took a deep breath? No.

Don’t bury dialogue in paragraphs.

Final Thoughts:

I enjoyed the read, but I feel like the questions I had were not answered. The important things – like the reason behind Peter’s journey, his life, Vy’s life, and their personalities – seem to not be addressed and so I am left to wonder. The descriptions of the world are nicely done, but nothing stood out and it lacked some special moments or sights to really highlight the fall of humanity. The water lily was probably the nicest and most memorable moment, but it seemed a little too magical with your description of it. It contrasted too strongly with the rest of the story. What might need work are sentence structure, run-on sentences and choice of words.

You've opened my eyes to a lot, and I thank you for that. I'll have to watch my use of repetition. And the bit about using 'suddenly' is almost mindblowing how much sense you make. Geez, I'm rather embarrassed that I didn't realize how weak using 'surprising' could be. And now that I look at it, the dialogue could have had far more impact on it's on line. All of my regret...

Well I'm glad you enjoyed it at least! Your comments may sting, but they are exceptionally constructive. Many thanks for reading!


sora_coltrane
Spoiler:
sora_coltrane wrote...
I found myself wanting to know more about Peter and Vy instead of the cityscape. A lot of people mentioned about him getting shot, and I want to ask, was it him falling to his knees? When he died I thought that it was due to some viral infection as there was not much mention to why he would behave like this. I was on a look out for the connections the college and what his past life had to do with the story and I couldn't see the link. The contrast the lily brought up was good, and I thought the entire piece would get even more impact if you added their relationship in along with Peter's past.

Your story has potential definitely, cold and disinterested Peter in this dead world with living warm memories of Vy's life.

Good job with this entry. You've made progress since the year before! All the best for the polls.

Thanks for reading sora, and I'm very glad that you think I've improved. I can see why you want more depth and detail into Peter and Vy's relationship; in fact, I think everyone wants a bit more of that XD. Well, here's to next year! I'll do my best to progress even further.


d

Spoiler:
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
The military forces that were 'protecting' the city soon joined up with the enemy forces as they rolled through the torn city.


What? I'm sorry, but the way this all went down just sounds so dumb. If the defending army needs to crack down on people being disobedient, okay. However, I find it hard to believe that they would just be like, "Fuck it, kill all of these ungrateful bastards and destroy the city we were supposed to protect. We might as well commit treason and join the enemy army while we're at it."

Another problem I had with this is that it felt more like Peter was just aimlessly wandering around. Only until the end when he was walking through the graveyard did i realize he had a specific goal and location in mind. Going back and reading the beginning, I did notice this:

Peter continued his slow journey forward.


which definitely gives a sense of purpose. But other than that, there's next to nothing else.

The descriptions are good. They give us a nice feel of the city and the area around it without getting hyper-detailed. The setting is a fairly generic post-apocalyptic city, but I don't see that as necessarily good or bad in its own right. I myself have no problem with it, but you don't do anything that's going to win over people who are averse to it.

The plot is decent and fitting for 2000 words. The issue I have with it is its execution for the reason I already gave above.

My execution was indeed rather horrid. I bet another paragraph explaining the whole military-inside-the-city-are-actually-traitors would've helped a lot. As for what you call a problem, I would call that a reveal. Questioning why and where Peter was going was part of why I wrote the way I did. Perhaps I could've done better.

Well, I thank you for reading! You've given me some good insight into my writing. Especially with how I handled the military part. Bah!


Nejik
Spoiler:
Nejik wrote...
Reading yours is certainly an experience that's for sure.
I suppose mentioning what made me tilt my head should come first, I felt that though peter was a focus the world was given a bit more attention than him, I believe this was mentioned above with Leonard but that's pretty much what got to me.
Later on I learn more about Peter but it's rather miniscule.


All of that aside I'm glad Peter was given some explanation so I got to know more of his character, perhaps not enough to feel for him but he's not random character number 1 by the end of it. I understand he got his life together and finished university and lost it all later Vy included along with other matters.
The descriptions of said city are just...I can't find a word to describe the descriptions if that's any hint as to how much I enjoyed it.
I felt like it went on for a bit on the descriptions but the detail put into it kept me reading, normally I lose interest after a bit but since that didn't happen you get a thumbs up from me.

Need for character development is a common denominator in most of these comments x.x. Ah well, I'm glad that, despite the lack of character development, you read on. I tried pretty hard with the descriptions, so it's nice to know that oyu liked them!


Dawn_of_Dark

Spoiler:
Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
I had a enjoyable read. I'm sorry for not commenting on the piece earlier as I hadn't have the time to. Also congrats for going to the finals.

I will give my opinions of what I felt reading the story (in no particular order I think).

It was a beautifully written piece, I have to say. The city after destruction came up quite vividly in my head as I read. I can easily tell how devastating was the rumble - what is left of the city. You sure did put lots of effort into creating that. I think everybody who read yours story agree on this point. I felt like I was looking at the rumbled scenery in Black Rock Shooter when you read about the city.

I did find myself enjoy the story as I read on, but of course nothing is perfect. Although I like what you described as the city, I felt it was a bit too much (and so did high and leonard)? I meant, most of the story you spent depicting the empty city that went through war and was left in rubble. Peter didn't have that much space to tell his own life story (btw, I think the part about his college was a bit redundant, too). I think there's two ways for me of understanding Peter's past:

1)Peter was a citizen in the city, one of the lucky people that were able to get out of the city, but then it could be hard to explain what others have inquired about Peter's past above.

2)Peter was in the army, the very army that "turned on the very city it was protecting" and "joined up with the enemy forces". As he had just got out from college and had a bright future ahead of him, he was forced to go to the army when they begin the war. I think that might be the explanation for the college part readers, myself included, have been asking. Peter could have been forced to the attack very city where Vy live, or worse, to have killed her himself. He was then forced again to join up with the people he despised. After the war ended (or it may have not), somehow Peter came back to this city, to fulfill his promise and stuff (the lily thing was sure a nice touch, btw). Wow, some imagination I have got, huh?

I would lean on the latter self-proclaim true identity of Peter (lol). Either way, I think you should have focused more on Peter's and Vy's past, because that is what drives him, isn't it? Then readers should have more information on their pasts.

I think the ending was great, dunnno why others didn't think so. A guy, who was driven out of the city by war, now finally come back for his lover, even though she was dead, but he's willing to die only by her side. Man, that is such a lovely, but sad, story. I wouldn't have changed the ending any other way, perhaps, as I have said, add more backgrounds regarding their relationships so readers could relate better to the characters. Again, blame on the word limit, but I think you could cut down some unwanted tour-around-the-city scenes.

It's weird that an army could turn their backs as easily as that, people have already pointed out. Also, the flowers and stuffs could survive in the rumble? I think that is abstract and stereotypical.

I don't have anything to say about grammar. Listen to FGRaptor, he's the king in the field (well, I guess beside the judges). I have learnt a lot reading his comments in the entries

Final thoughts:
It is a good piece of prose and I think you have outdone yourself comparing to last year's entry. There are several unanswered mysteries left in the story, but I think that's fine since it's not so hard if you use some imagination. This certainly has the potential to be expanded and made into a bigger story and I would love to see that.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhh T.T My tears when someone finally fully understands my ending! Thank you Dawn, leonard was pretty close, but you've got it exactly.

As for the character/relationship development, like I've said to others, it was quite the gamble leaving such details out, and it came back to bite sadly. I'll simply have to do better next time.

Also, assumption #1 would be the closest to Peter's situation, though damn! #2 would've made for a damn good twist if I decided to go down that route. Anyways, Peter's situation is, once again, intentionally left out. I believe that the reader doesn't need to know exactly why/how he was driven out and why/how Vy died, but rather that the reader was supposed to accept that Peter was journeying back into his war-torn city for some reason, which is revealed to be Vy. Well... that was the plan... Let's just say I need to work a bit more before the plan works XD.

Well thanks for reading man! REALLLLY appreciate your comment. Lifted my spirits knowing that someone both enjoyed and understood my ending.


leonard267 wrote...
This is a parody of the entry not done by me but done by high_time. I thought it brilliant and decided to post it with xninebreaker's permission


I actually read this when I stopped by the Mudslinging thread little after high posted it, but I forgot to comment. I think it is hilarious. Perhaps one day I'll have a book on Amazon to validate High's parody! And I'll make a comercial. It'll be glorious.


Well thanks everyone for commenting. I've learned a lot about my shortcoming. I had an idea, and it didn't seem to work... on anyone... and probably for good reason. Next time I'll be back stronger than ever.
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