Attraction and Trust

I am a girl and have only been on a few dates, most of them were horrible. I don't develop crushes for people and that makes me feel a little defective. I am quiet but I try to be as talkative as possible when I am on dates. I just feel like I haven't had any sort of connection with anyone.

I was wondering what draws you to someone?
What's are some qualities that are important in a relationship?
Any advice you would give me?

First off, looks and sexual/physical appeal. After I get acquainted, then common ground. If we have things in common, then I get to know them more personally. That's how I'm usually drawn to a person, in that order.

Mutual understanding, respect, and of course love, for each another, with trust and communication all around. Open-mindedness in and out of sex is preferred too.

Personally, I guess you just haven't found the right kind of people to form a connection with. What do you look for in guys you hope to date?

• Initial impressions are always physical appeal. For me that varies, but the fact that I like me brunette or a redhead if they wear it well stays consistant. Try to know what you like but don't let it rule out anyone who isn't strictly up to scratch.

• Then their interests; just how many of your interests are also their interests? If you have things in common you have far more to talk about.

• Then you can get to know them on a more personal level - Do they have any weird habits? Any favourite foods? That kind of thing.

• And for me to consider them as relationship material, I'd have to be able to consider them both my lover and my best friend, rather than someone I have to constantly "change myself" for to keep them happy. It really is great when you can treat your like-minded partner like a best friend and be able to tell them anything as well as be able to have a laugh, seemingly at the most retarded things.

If you've yet to form a connection with anyone, keep trying. Or lower your standards a bit.

There's two or three different ways for me:

a)
Looks/ attractiveness to lure me in
Personality to keep me in
and from then it developes

b)
Personality piques my interest

c)
Them having similar fetishes


As art said, you probably haven't found the one yet

I personally think I just haven't found the right person yet. I usually start with common interests. I don't really have any strict physical standards. I usually run into a problem when we start talking about morals. I broke it off with the last guy I was talking to because he didn't think same sex couples deserved the right to be married. The one before that felt me up on the first date, after I told him I was new to dating and wanted to move slow.

I look for common interests, close morals/at least understanding of someone who has a different point of view, treats me like a human being, and has goals that they are working towards.
I really don't think my standards are set too high.
Should physical attraction be something I add to my standards? I don't usually feel attracted to people based on looks. I know this sounds weird, I usually get attracted to someone after getting to know them really well.

You're fine then. Everyone has certainly opinions and morals they really stick to, and it just seems like you had bad luck with dates. It's not you, it's just them being assholes.

There's nothing wrong with being not being physically attracted, since feelings for the person can bring that about eventually. Understand, however, that zero physical/sexual attraction to a significant other will make for a very rocky, and probably bad relationship, so just keep that in mind.

In short, you're fine, don't lose hope, and don't doubt yourself. Sooner or later, you'll be dating someone just right.

I will keep that in mind. Thank you for the advice.

I personally don't believe in †˜The One', most relationships don't just happen, you have to meet others half way.

Although it does sound like you've had your fair share of crummy dates. Do others set you up or do use certain sites? If it's what you really want don't stop trying but at least be wary of where you get dates.

I don't believe in "the One" either, but I think there are people you form a better connection with. I tried some sites but I kept running into the same kind of problems. Mostly everyone just wanted to talk about sex. The focus wasn't on forming a relationship for them. So I have stopped using them.
I am so busy with school and work I don't really have time to go out and meet people. I don't get asked out a lot. I'm awful at picking up on flirting, so when I don't understand they are flirting they take that as "she's not into me, I won't ask her out." Then I am like "oh no ones into me, we are just friends."
Where would you recommend places to get good dates or how to get a good date?

At the expense of sounding like a total dick I'm going to recommend you work on trying to understanding others better before you start looking for serious relationships. As I said earlier, it's about meeting others half-way.(but not to the point where you're doing everything for them)

As for where, I'm not to sure if there's any definite place. Meetups where people share similar hobbies are always a great place to meet like minded minds. More than likely though, it depends on the degree you're willing to open up.

Sorry if I'm not being helpful, but I do wish you the best of luck.

It's alright. I know relationships aren't easy. You have to make sacrifices but they should be worth the sacrifice. I'm pretty empathetic and I feel like I do a pretty good job of not judging people, getting to know them, and ultimately understand them. I'm pretty open as well. I know relationships are not like relationships portrayed by the media. No one is perfect and that is what makes them human. You have to build trust and get to know each other to have a relationship with someone. And you have to be honest and open with each other. It seems like I can't get people to open up to me. I think it just goes back to not meeting a person who I am compatible with.

Thank you for the advice and the luck. I think I will need it. :)

1) Usually it is something we share in common. It can be interests like video games/manga/anime, or it can be the group of friends I am with.

2) Important qualities: I would be lying if I said looks weren't that important because I have to find a person fairly attractive, although that is subjective and does not necessarily mean super thin (although it does mean not very very fat).
But looks only go so far, relating on something/being able to talk to each other about various things is important.(interests, news, intelligent topics, not so intelligent topics, and so on) Although physical attraction to me in some cases has come after I take a romantic interest in a person(since they aren't bad looking but definitely in the middle ground). It is by no means something you have to have at the beginning.

3)Go meet new people, don't be afraid to take the initiative in asking somebody out. After all, this is the 21st century. Relationships can be a two way street without having the guy be the one who asks you out. Find what you are interested in and try to find like minded individuals.

In response to various topics in above posts:
Ah bigots, It is always disheartening to hear about them. But what can you do, people will be people. And everybody has something they dislike (justified or not).
I would not know where to get good dates, I usually asked people I already knew so the location wasn't all that important.
@cruz lol, hex maniac XD. A minor character I always find amusing in Pokemon X.

That is all I got for an answer.

What draws me in the most in a girl is probably confidence, I love it when she knows what she wants and she simply goes for it.
No games, no fake bullshit, just her emotion and willpower.
I find that so fucking sexy. <3

I was wondering what draws you to someone?

As an inferior primate with the guts to admit it, the first set of qualities would be physical ones and we'll leave it at that. Secondly, of course, I like girls with decent knowledge so as to have conversations that go beyond «So, like, remember how I told you Jenna was a bitch?» and a decent sense of humor.

What's are some qualities that are important in a relationship?

Trust and open-mindedness. In theory, we all have our weird things, particularly sex things but I don't think that always applies. Is it a good thing to be with someone who finds most sex repulsive? Well, in that case you might end up holding some secrets which weakens trust. And this goes beyond sex. Can you tell that person something you hide to everyone else with a smile and a joke?

Any advice you would give me?

You are a girl in a Hentai forum with a sexy devilsh angel as your profile picture. Just keep being a girl and you'll be fine. The compatibility issue is one of my oldest friends. I've lost count of how many times I saw a girl walk by, thought she was the most perfect person I've ever seen and, after three minutes talking to her, my disappointment was nauseous.

Sooner or later you find someone you'll like.

things that truly attract me to a woman (in a way that i would consider them as potential marriage partner, not just for having casual sex) beyond their appearance are as follows:


intelligence

physical strength

no previous relationships/sexual experience with other men (i have some exceptions depending on circumstance, but this is an important factor for me. some may call me a dick for this, but i dont care).


trustworthiness. I keep no secrets from those im in a relationship with, and i expect the same.

I always enjoy how women that are interested in dating me get freaked out when i warn them about my zero tolerance for deceit/infidelity/withholding or covering up information they consider "private" (such as previous relationships/sexual experience) that i may ask for before getting into a relationship, and the repercussions for doing any of the above mentioned after agreeing to said terms and making relationship official. Its like a contract really, only one that cant be signed with just anyone.

I can really relate to you on this subject. I would suggest to first off deal with any negative feelings or past experiences with any former dates/exes since they can ruin any future relationships. Do this by reflecting on your experiences good and bad, learning from them, and let go when your done (keep the good memories though!)

For future relationships you have good standards so keep those with you always and know that it's okay if they change over time. For example, I thought religion was a big one for me, but after I started having interests in or dating guys with those personal standards I found I didn't really care as much.

It's okay to be more reserved and less social. I use to be the biggest introvert there was (still kinda am) but by pushing myself a little here and there, going to different events and random encounters I got to become more open. Just give this one time, you don't have to change overnight and just accept this as apart of who you are. Also it's okay if you don't pick up on "vibes" some girls need a more outspoken guy that's all.

This is a good rule of thumb about men and sex (they all think it lol). A man should be considerate of your feelings and if he is making you uncomfortable about sex in general then you either openly tell him your feelings (I'm not ready, not comfortable, saving myself for marriage, etc.) and if he is a nice guy he will understand. If he continues to make you uncomfortable then he isn't for you.

Last bit of advice I have is this, if you are looking you may not find what you want, it's when you aren't fishing that you end up with a good guy. My current boyfriend is a wonderful person who I consider my best friend first and foremost. When I first met him, had no attraction whatsoever... I couldn't eve remember his name in the beginning sadly. Eve when we started talking and found we had some similar interests we never considered dating. After about 6 months of building a friendship (again never even crossed our minds), we ended up together on a couch and felt a lightbulb go off. Been together for over a year now.

Basically no matter what advice you get your gonna go down your own path until you find what you want. Hopefully the people here give you some confidence about future endeavors and ultimately believe in finding a good guy for yourself. Everyone deserves to be happy and only you can allow that for yourself.

Good luck to you, if you need any help/advice/or to just talk in general pm me :)

I'm one of those people that has had their thoughts about relationships changed 180 degrees due to some bad (and worse) people I've dated. And now suffering from some serious trust issues. I've been single for about one year now and the recent change of residence has made some impact on the contraption that regulates my feelings - I've started to feel... lonely.
I've been occupying myself for the sole purpose of killing-off anything that could possibly make me fall for someone. And let me tell you, once there's some free time to ponder about life nothing good comes of that.
I'm a person who likes affection and (if not for my fears of heartbreak) I could live for it. And the urges to feel bodily and emotional warmth just keep growing. Not proud of that but I keep telling myself that its what I'm supposed to feel as a living being. No, I'm not just going to forget it and move on like nothing happened...not anytime soon that is.

Now that I've presented the mental state that I'm in, its time for some counseling! All I can say to you is: do whatever you want. Fail. Make mistakes. But learn from it. I'm one screwed up guy but even I know everyone (well, most of everyone) goes through life's sour parts. It's how you recover/learn from it that makes you a better person.

Don't worry that you've had some crummy dates. It happens to all of us and all you can take from it is a learning experience. I also tend to be attracted to guys after I get to know them. Appearances do not really make relationships any better! I've dated a really cute guy with a terrible personality. His attractiveness doesn't make up for anything. You just have to put yourself in places and events that you can meet others.

The only first impression that you can ever get in real life is the visual impression, unless you are blind which just sucks to begin with. A persons looks is always the starting point, the reason you decide to talk to somebody is never for anything else but their appearance be it beautiful, nice or ugly to you. You can be attracted to people (by attracted I don't mean "omg i want to bone that person" but rather "That person seems interesting"). Most often, if you don't find them attractive by beauty then you find them attracting by something else, maybe the guy has glasses so you go through a stereotype thinking and just assumes he's smart, and you then being smart feel like it would be fun to talk to another intellectual.

It really varies but I would assume that if you're blind it's more on the voice. Maybe you think someone has a sweet voice so they start to interest you. You could argue that touch is the first step but really, if somebody knocks into you it won't interest you, but when you both say something like "Oh, I'm sorry!" you'll hear their voice and come up with an assumtion based upon what you just heard, be it good or negative.

The three most important things in a relationship is trust, respect and attraction and anyone will tell you that. Trust is needed so you don't become a raging schizo, respect is needed so you don't trample on eachothers feelings and attraction is really just for the sexual part and feeling that you can "show yourself" with this person. Now this probably sounds really mean to some "ugly" people but really, there are no "ugly" people in the world but subjective opinions. There is not a single human person in the entire world that everyone thinks is ugly.

The best advice that anyone will give you, and the best advice that you can ever give to anyone is "be yourself". It's extremely cliché but in a relationship you really have to be yourself, being yourself is what builds that trust and respect.

Do realize this is only my opinions and assumptions, nothing in here is supposed to be stated as facts.

Mhm..... Personality for one.. She's gotta be sweet. Somewhat tough. Should be able to take care of herself.