How to move on, what to do next?

I didn't want to hijack "getting over your ex" thread so I'm making this one.



I hope your not right... I have just been told that the 6 year long relationship, 2 year long marriage, is over, today... By your thumb, I'll be spending the next 12 years alone LOL...

What does it mean to not be over? Something like "the idea of the person hurts"? I've also been told that its bad to date while I'm not over her. Does that mean I should give up on dating for a decade? I realize last night I have a fear of being alone, from far back in my childhood, so my feelings are rather crushing, atm, but I have complete control over my actions.

I realized last night, I have a strong fear of being alone and rejected by society, (developed as a child) that left me unable to commit to anything, when I met her it motivated me to try for her but now that shes gone, everything I had made myself into is crumbling. She was someone completely and utterly irreplaceable that gave me strength as the only person who choose to involve themselves in my life, to my subconscious, willingly.

I've had 2 months to move on, but she toyed with my emotions the entire time (because she hesitates)... 2 months ago she started to cheat on me out of anger... I left her, after 3 days, out of anger and moved (1/4 of the way around the globe) back home (I had followed her to her home to make her happy and to stop her suffering. She was a child (mentally) who couldn't live without her family). But I realized that I had not fought as hard as I could.. So, after a day, I struggled to get her back for around a month, but she refused to acknowledge me and only would get mad at me.

So after a month I gave up, accepted that she would never return and decided to take a 2 week break from any means of contact between the 2 of us, but we needed to get a divorce so I checked back at my email after the 2 weeks, she had told me she wanted me again. My will to end it crumbled... I was more than willing to take her back.. but after 2 days she started to hesitate about coming back. I went back to thinking she would not come back to me. After 2-3 more times of this manipulation of my emotions I gave up...

I created a hypothetical girl. I told her I went and slept with her. She became enraged and attacks me verbally, claimed I have to get and pay the divorce and that I'm horrible. My intention was to both hurt her and have her decide if she wanted me or if she wanted him. After I forced her to make a choice, she choose him. I, never had lying to her before, told her afterwards the truth, she told me that she changed her mind and was only choosing him because of what I did... One more hesitation later, she realizes she has feelings for him...

It ends with her, today, choosing him.

So that was the back story... I love her greatly, and I am rather overwhelmed with my emotions atm. But again I am in complete control of my actions, and I do not possess any dependencies (such as alcohol, drugs, ect).

During the 2 months many things went through my mind (oh btw I met and started dating her when she was 14 I was 16, in a online game).
-I know her better than anyone else, better than she knows herself.
-The relationship ended because we stopped communicating and stress built up from work/family. We both had let our stress dictate our actions.
-She often had problems controlling her emotions, she acted often based on them.
-She would always go for the easiest option. Including "ignoring relationship problems" and choosing "not to talk" when I try to confront them.
-She would never struggle through something she didn't have to and gave excuses for not doing what she had too.
-Her biggest influences on her was her fear of lost.
-She was an incredibly indecisive girl, who always left choices to me.
-She never fought for me. She never came to me when she had a problem with our relationship, It was always I who tried to work things out.
-That I love her enough to let go of how she hurts me countless times, and I probably still would take her back
-I realized what I did wrong and what she did wrong. For the mistakes I made, I won't hold it against and I won't hate her for her actions. I'll be trying to remember them for whatever relationship I make after this.
-I have thought about what kind of woman I want, Simply a woman who puts effort to be around me, who works on the relationship as much as I do.


tl:dr; I thought and realize everything I needed about the relationship through the span of the last 2 month (writing it out, each day, helped). I realized how much value she had to me, and fought with everything I had in the end. I believe I can walk away knowing I did not give up, in the end, on her. I already know I will still have lingering feelings for her for the rest of my life, but I believe after a few months without her, I should be fine enough to not let my feelings for her overwhelm me again. If she was to say she wants me back, I don't have the will power to tell her no (I realize how weak that makes me but that's how much I care for her). But for now I told her I don't want to talk to her anymore, so that she can't hesitate again and call me back. I have an agreement with her that I will only come into contact with her on Fridays to talk out our divorce arrangements and to sort out what to send back to her, so I am unable to part from her within the next few months (divorce papers will take awhile to go through).

What I'm wondering is... What do I do now?
-I know that I should not seek another relationship yet, as desperate as I am for companionship, but for how long?
-For the sake of asking. She and I always accepted each others faults and weaknesses, but that leaves me confused. I accepted her weaknesses and those are what hurt me. To what extent do I accept another's faults and when do I decide that its not worth it? Or should I instead try to help her overcome her weaknesses (what I had tried with my wife, in the beginning, but she would become angry with me)?
-I know I should focus on education and work now (I lost out on college to be with her), but I'm currently dealing with identification problems, guess I don't need advice for this one, I just have to choose a desire and aim for it. Atm I have a little "I can't do anything", "everything will only fail", "I was thrown away by her, what could I possibly do?", "she was the one who gave me strength to work and move forward" and other pointless stupid negative emotions and thoughts. It will take awhile to get out of this, but for now I can't see anything without a clouded view. What I'm wondering is, should I push myself right away to start moving forward towards work/education, or wait awhile? If wait, how long?
-My life has been dictated by my fear of being alone. I resign myself to joining the army before I met her for companionship. When I met her I worked hard to keep her. Now that shes gone, I feel like I'll lose my motivation to try anymore. My biggest weakness, the thing that prevented me from doing so much all my life, are the fears of solitude and fears of rejections, what should I do to overcome this? This fear was developed in an incredibly early age, I'm not sure how to change this, I know how to use it as a strength towards being with someone but other than that...

I have a general idea of how to deal with this, a couple of options, but wanted to hear other opinions. But I am unsure overall, I do not want to feed it, but it seems as if accepting a future of solitude only brings me despair. I do not want to use a crutch (would be to me) like drugs to improve myself, if I have to I will, but I know I don't. I want to improve myself, but I am uncertain of how to go about such a fear and would like some opinions. What should I be trying to do with myself now.

Well, it won't necessarily be 12 years, but it also won't be immediate that you'll be in any position to seek another person.

Especially coming from a messy situation of her cheating on you.

Because any relationship you try to have for awhile will be tainted by this whether you want it to or not.

Especially since it seems you don't have much of a will right now to deny her.

Hang out with family and friends for awhile. Be a guy with some guy friends. Just socialize with people right now.

Basically, pay more attention to your other relationships right now. This will help to ease the feeling of loneliness you have. It WILL be hard.

Don't entertain the thought of taking her back. Her childish behavior is disheartening at best and disgusting at worse. You won't be happy with her and you'll only come back to this situation again if you ever do. Some people do not want to grow up.

What is getting over someone? It's getting to the point you no longer feel you HAVE to be with them anymore. And the thought of not being with them no longer makes you unbearably sad.

You will always have a tinge of sadness over this. It's not a fun situation. But the point is to make it to a manageable level so it won't taint your other relationships.

When you get to the point that you heart is willing to accept the idea of being with someone else will be the time when you should consider dating.

Though one thing you can do is develop some friendships with new females. Or maybe focus on already preexisting ones. The idea is they will offer some of the opposite sex contact and emotional support. Obviously don't sleep with them or use it as a means to sleep with them. You'll end up feeling guilt with it.

Another point in making the new ones is that it helps to keep you in the mindset of pursuing female relationships. So when you are ready, you haven't walled yourself into a hole that makes it highly difficult to get back into things.

And improving yourself first starts with acknowledging your faults. What do you feel you WANT to change. And then ask yourself why you want to change it. None of the reasons should be because she didn't like it. It should be something you personally feel you need to change.

The rule of thumb does not make sense for very long relationships like the one you had. There is no rule that says what is the minimum time to consider getting over someone, only that the deeper the relationship, the longer the time it may take.

The fear you have of being alone is understandable because your partner completed you and now you feel a part of you that is missing. You want to fill that space again inside. Which is why family and friends play an important role in helping you fill that gap without the need of looking for "someone like her". the more friends you have to rely on when you get depressed, the better. Talking to a family member of friend you can trust can help take some weight off your shoulders

Getting over someone means that your partner is no longer an influence in your life. By influence I mean that you do not make decisions based on what you had in the past with her, and if you both talk again you don't feel you have to be with her but only wish for her to be happy and you give full support with no regrets.

Giving yourselves space was a great decision. perhaps there is hope, but with hope comes a commitment or working things out from both parties. If she can go to your home with that commitment then you can accept her (decisions made in calls I personally do not trust). In the meantime focus on your life and not hers.

Pursuing education is a great idea. Take the necessary time to choose your career carefully thinking of your future. Do not pick the first option, look for the best option. That time is enough. Looking for work is important as well, I trust you can make the best decisions in that area. The biggest obstacle is to start, once that's done the rest will flow naturally.

You don't need any medicine nor drug. Perhaps going to a psychologist will do if you reach a point where need someone to just "listen" and give suggestions, not prescriptions. I did that when I was depressed in my life and it worked after a couple of weeks.

Build up your self esteem more and things will work out for you. Good luck

Correct. I agree with almost all of what Takerial had to say, so while I was going to post earlier I was like - whoa, (s)he actually said everything that I had intended to say already. I probably should've been more specific when I said that, since it seems a lot of people have clung to that statement. So, for that I apologize.

I think there is a big difference between being ready to move on and being fully over your last relationship. Even if you're in a new, healthy relationship, there will still be some aspects of your last relationship that might bother you from time to time, and you might still think about that person every so often - things they said to you, or things they did - and you might still feel a bit of emotional pain as a result of that. You might've moved on in a lot of other ways, but the things you endured with this other person might still resonate with you. I'm not sure if this is how it is for everyone, but that is definitely how it was for me.

I've been with my current boyfriend for 3+ years, but there are still times even now where I'll think about all the bull that was tossed my way by my ex and I might think: "Why the fuck did I let him talk to me that way? Why didn't I say something? Why didn't I stand up for myself? What made him think that was acceptable behavior in the first place?" And I just think - damn, if I had only just been the way I am now back then I would've never for a moment put up with it and the relationship would've been over sooner.

And maybe for a moment I'll think that would've been for the best, but then I remember that all that horrible shit that I went through with him really changed my perspective on A LOT of different things... in a positive way! I vowed never to let someone treat me that way again. Never to treat myself that way again. I knew that the search for a good relationship began and ended with me. You seek out who you want to be with, OP. You might not make the choice to bond emotionally with someone, but you make the choice to pursue it, forge a relationship, and make a real commitment with that person. So, be firm in your resolve not to pick someone who isn't deserving of you.

It is okay not to move on in some ways - if having your ex in your heart, in the smallest part of your heart, even years from now reminds you of all the things you never want to experience again then I think that is okay. Truly, I do. If remembering her - the things she said, the things she did - if that leads you to choose a more trustworthy, earnest, and wonderful woman in the future... then good. But for now, you must be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to heal and grow. Stay far, far away from this fickle woman, and look only to the future from now on. Because I assure you, the future will be bright as long as you work for it and truly desire for it to be so.

Oh yeah, and *hugs*~

I think pats on the back are in order, I actually wouldn't have minded if you asked in the thread I made since I meant it more to be with what should I do+for others to also say how to get over things. Because of how long the relationship was I would say just focus on what you can do, friends, family, work, and so on. It seems like a pretty bad breakup and things in love almost never make sense. Similar to how a friend of mine who is older is trying to get back with his ex but she is so wishy washy about getting back together with him. With one day being a "sure" and the next hour being "nope"

I believe that the 2x as long to get over a girl only applies to dating :P marriage and such is a whole different matter and I think while it will take a while you cannot dwell on it. I'd like to try with more advice but I'm not really the person to answer such a complicated problem XD.

Either way after giving it time, try to be positive. Somehow I'm really positive with my future possible romance options despite not really having any luck/other stuff that is my own problem. I personally think it helps if only to present yourself well. I've long since given up on the "just be yourself" crap that doesn't work in my case it seems. But at the very least acting positive has allowed me to meet more people.