Love is soooooooooo troublesome...
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Time for my story I guess. First of all you need to know a bit about my background. I am Georgian, but I was born in Russia and lived there for 14 years. In 2007 I moved to Georgia(country) and not I am freshman in the college here, in the US. There is a girl who is my childhood friend. We never were extremely close, but we were good friends, that often played together, invited each other on birthday parties and etc.
After I moved we rarely talked via facebook. She is very pure, intelligent and religious person, believing that she will keep virginity till the marriage and neglecting masturbation though being quite horny person deep inside. About a year ago we started to talk again. It was difficult period for her, because her BF told her that he was not virgin(and we are talking about 18 years old people) and she was truly depressed(Yes, I find it weird). I helped her, supported her. Soon she shared with me all her secrets and desires. Seeing her perverted side I got somehow flirty.
She is really nice girl and I would love to have her as my girlfriend. But soon I understood that it got out of any control. While I was looking at her as at a friend that I love(as a friend) and would love to hang out with, she felt deeply in love. And because of her morals, love = marriage to her. She wants to marry me and so is extremely demanding, looking for my attention and almost stalking me via Internet. I told her that before I'll start even considering something serious, I need to see her before(because we never met since I left Russia 5 years ago), but it resulted in her confessing me 2 days later.
I don't know what to do... I don't want to get married, I like, but don't love her and the I still consider her to be my friend. I don't want to hurt her too much, because it is really difficult period in her life... her grandfather is very ill(and is probably dying) and her father got kicked out of his job... And she is extremely serious about her feeling, because she is really thinking about the ways to meet with me, including the idea to get Study Abroad in the US somewhere near my college. Any ideas about my case?
After I moved we rarely talked via facebook. She is very pure, intelligent and religious person, believing that she will keep virginity till the marriage and neglecting masturbation though being quite horny person deep inside. About a year ago we started to talk again. It was difficult period for her, because her BF told her that he was not virgin(and we are talking about 18 years old people) and she was truly depressed(Yes, I find it weird). I helped her, supported her. Soon she shared with me all her secrets and desires. Seeing her perverted side I got somehow flirty.
She is really nice girl and I would love to have her as my girlfriend. But soon I understood that it got out of any control. While I was looking at her as at a friend that I love(as a friend) and would love to hang out with, she felt deeply in love. And because of her morals, love = marriage to her. She wants to marry me and so is extremely demanding, looking for my attention and almost stalking me via Internet. I told her that before I'll start even considering something serious, I need to see her before(because we never met since I left Russia 5 years ago), but it resulted in her confessing me 2 days later.
I don't know what to do... I don't want to get married, I like, but don't love her and the I still consider her to be my friend. I don't want to hurt her too much, because it is really difficult period in her life... her grandfather is very ill(and is probably dying) and her father got kicked out of his job... And she is extremely serious about her feeling, because she is really thinking about the ways to meet with me, including the idea to get Study Abroad in the US somewhere near my college. Any ideas about my case?
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No matter what you say or do, she is not going to try to have a normal adolescent-young adult relationship with you at this time. I suggest you step back quite a bit from this girl -- you are both on completely different levels, and are currently seeking two completely different things.
The unfortunate thing about extremely religious/sexually oppressed girls, is that they need to come out of their oppressive environment, grow, and become accepting of themselves on their own time. They have to find their own reasons for being comfortable with it, and decide for themselves what they want.
You could tell her the truth of your feelings, and that you wish to have an organic, naturally-progressing relationship with her, but the likelihood of her suddenly becoming okay with what she currently considers 'sinful' and 'inappropriate' is extremely unlikely.
The unfortunate thing about extremely religious/sexually oppressed girls, is that they need to come out of their oppressive environment, grow, and become accepting of themselves on their own time. They have to find their own reasons for being comfortable with it, and decide for themselves what they want.
You could tell her the truth of your feelings, and that you wish to have an organic, naturally-progressing relationship with her, but the likelihood of her suddenly becoming okay with what she currently considers 'sinful' and 'inappropriate' is extremely unlikely.
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In this kind of situation, you have to make up your mind and be adamant about your desicion.
Two scenarios come to mind.
First: this girl really is in love with you. She wants you and due to an overly oppressed sexual background, her desires are coming out in the form of overly attention seeking, demanding and undivided devotion. Be careful about this. Something similar happened to a friend of mine (no marriage however) and the woman's plummet after her sexual tension was released was quite the scene. She almost immediately lost interest in my friend and her so called "true emotions" for him vanished into thin air. This venue might prove a hardship in more ways than one if taken.
Second: if I understood correctly, your friend isn't even in her twenties. She is by definition, not even yet an adult; nothing more than a child (no offense intended). She could be letting her emotions run her desicion-making, which is never a good thing. She may feel comfortable with you, but is confusing it for love. As you so said, you haven't been physically close in years. Skinship is an important part of choosing a long-term mate. You could have zero physical chemistry. Try living your life next to someone who doesn't attract you.
Lastly: be firm. If you don't want to get married, no one has a gun pointed at your back. Let her know that. If you're interested in starting a romantic involvement free of sex, then do so. If not, then let her know you only want a friend. Be careful about issues revolving around love, friendship and sex. There's an almost invisible line dividing each, and crossing it too early will only lead to you down a path of emotional hardships.
Good luck to you in any case^^.
Two scenarios come to mind.
First: this girl really is in love with you. She wants you and due to an overly oppressed sexual background, her desires are coming out in the form of overly attention seeking, demanding and undivided devotion. Be careful about this. Something similar happened to a friend of mine (no marriage however) and the woman's plummet after her sexual tension was released was quite the scene. She almost immediately lost interest in my friend and her so called "true emotions" for him vanished into thin air. This venue might prove a hardship in more ways than one if taken.
Second: if I understood correctly, your friend isn't even in her twenties. She is by definition, not even yet an adult; nothing more than a child (no offense intended). She could be letting her emotions run her desicion-making, which is never a good thing. She may feel comfortable with you, but is confusing it for love. As you so said, you haven't been physically close in years. Skinship is an important part of choosing a long-term mate. You could have zero physical chemistry. Try living your life next to someone who doesn't attract you.
Lastly: be firm. If you don't want to get married, no one has a gun pointed at your back. Let her know that. If you're interested in starting a romantic involvement free of sex, then do so. If not, then let her know you only want a friend. Be careful about issues revolving around love, friendship and sex. There's an almost invisible line dividing each, and crossing it too early will only lead to you down a path of emotional hardships.
Good luck to you in any case^^.
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VGuy wrote...
First: this girl really is in love with you.
It is my experience that religiously/morally oppressive parents keep very tight limitations on their daughters when it comes to dating. It is extremely unlikely that a girl in that situation is going to have a clearly defined idea of what romantic love is, since it is very difficult to have a healthy, naturally-maturing relationship with someone when you have such restricted alone time with them.
VGuy wrote...
She wants you and due to an overly oppressed sexual background, her desires are coming out in the form of overly attention seeking, demanding and undivided devotion. Be careful about this. Something similar happened to a friend of mine (no marriage however) and the woman's plummet after her sexual tension was released was quite the scene. She almost immediately lost interest in my friend and her so called "true emotions" for him vanished into thin air. This venue might prove a hardship in more ways than one if taken.This is definitely something the OP should consider, although that happens more often in the more extreme cases.
I think this is more a case of romantic inexperience on the girl's part than it is an extreme response to her own sexual desire. It may be a component, but I don't think it's the whole problem.
The bottom line is this,
Marriage is a decision that you make together, after much time has passed. You have to be together, live together, thrive together. You have to find out how you mesh and work as a unit before deciding to be one forever.
