Relationship Advice Please?

Well I've been dating my boyfriend for 4.5 months now and things have begun getting serious somehow. I say somehow because I don't see him too often due to him being in rehab. I really care about him and love him to death, but I don't know how long he'll be in there anymore. He promises he'll get out before his next birthday in June, but there's no guarantee.

What I'm trying to get at here is that I don't want to leave him, but I have my doubts as to how long I can keep dating someone who's in rehab. And in addition to this, he can be the sweetest sweety, but he can be a real jerk. He can be totally insensitive and he doesn't even realize it! When I bring it up, he just denies it.

So my question is this: Should I stick it out with him? And work on our communication?

It seems like your boyfriend has a lot going on in his life right now. It is very difficult to improve oneself when your mind isn't 100% in it, and as bad as it may sound - concentrating on a relationship right now might be distracting him from his own recovery. Addiction is a very hard thing to overcome. While it is great to have a strong support system, ultimately only the addicted person is capable of truly deciding whether or not they want to invest the effort that it takes to "overcome" something that powerful.

However, that isn't the only reason why I think you should step back from the relationship. The fact that you claim that he 1) doesn't realize when he is being insensitive and 2) denies the fact that he is insensitive upon your saying so leads me to believe that he is incapable of truly achieving open and honest communication with you right now. You can try your hardest to foster better communication with him, but it will be fruitless if the other person isn't also doing their best to make a positive change in the relationship. If he isn't willing to own up to his own mistakes, then there will be no resolution for your upset feelings... You will simply just have to swallow back how you feel, since he will never believe you deserve to feel the way you do in the first place. If you stay, that will lead to a vicious cycle that will eventually chip away at any self-esteem that you have.

Communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship. It will never cease to be important. Being able to say how you feel, have those feelings be respected, and your words be truly listened to - if you don't have those things, what is the point? You deserve someone who really hears you.

Best of luck!

Thanks for the luck, I'll need it. And thanks for replying. The thing is, is that he does admit and own up to most things, it just things with sensitivity that he lacks and that really bothers me. I . . . I love him a lot that's why I'm still in this relationship and in all honesty, there's a part of me that won't take a step back because I don't know what he'll do if I do. I don't know what he'll do to himself. He's very depressed and anxiety filled. And his family does not truly support him. To be blunt, I'm his only real support. I just don't want to stay in this relationship and regret it. I'm really very concerned with this. Because despite his situation, and the lack of sensitivity, he does make me pretty happy.

June of next year?! gawd damn thats a long wait!! but seriously I wouldnt be getting too serious with a person who has a addiction problem he is in rehab which is a good thing but i would let him take care of himself first before piling on a relationship, that is to say dont leave his life completely he needs people to support him now more than ever,but maintaining a healthy relationship can be a stressful thing to a stable person a person going through rehab might need to be a little more focused on self improvement rather than the needs of a significant other.

my advice is slow down on the romantic part of the relationship, but still maintain a close relationship until he gets the treatment he needs, once he is stable and established then you can begin to build a relationship, dealing with a relationship and going through rehabilitation might be a little much for him to handle at this point which is why he comes off as a jerk alot.

You're facing quite an uphill battle, for all of the flaws of your lover, in the end you truly love him. While at the same time those flaws and problems can be emotionally taxing, on both you and him as well. And then there's the question you have of the moral responsibility to stick with him through rehab.

My answer to your question: 9/10, the stress continues to build up, both parties end up seeing the positive sides of the other less and less, which then constitutes a break-up. Or, even if he successfully rehabs and gets himself into shape, it's never "over" so to speak. You'll have to continually be his support, and even then sometimes it's not enough.

Here's a question for you: Are you willing to go through this with him? Not only rehab, but the struggles that'll come with remaining drug or addiction free? Can you seriously consider the emotional stress that'll remain? If you can, and support him through that then that strength will push you through.

If you can't carry that burden, or if you wouldn't want to ideally but feel "obligated" to do so, then my suggestion is to drop it. Either way it goes, your boyfriend will have to overcome this problem, but there's no reason for you to have to struggle with him if you don't want to.

The short answer for me, would be 'No'.

This guy has issues. This is immediately and glaringly apparent. The List of things he needs to work on already appears to be a lengthy one and only the truest of the true loves can withstand something as harrowing as a complete inner-self overhaul.

Regardless, the road ahead of him will be rocky. Recovering addicts will lash out against their loved ones because as a person begins to unravel their issues, it's natural to push back against the ones who are always immediately there for you. It's not healthy or right and it's never deserved, but it is an inevitability.

It doesn't matter if you're willing to go through it with him at this present moment, because you're still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. Of course you're going to want to be around him and be there for him, your feelings are new and exciting and intense.

What matters is whether or not you're emotionally and mentally ready for a commitment like this, to a person who essentially will give you nothing to very little in return for an indeterminate amount of time.

The chances of him being able to successfully fix his insensitivity and overall jerkish tendencies while simultaneously fixing his substance dependence is next to nil. It could also probably be considered unfair to him, as well. What he needs to focus on is himself and himself only. You cannot truly mend what's broken within yourself, when in the back of your mind you're always also worrying about another person's needs at the same time.

It just.. it sounds like a really terrible circumstance to try to build a lasting bond with someone in. I strongly suggest you at least declare a break, and see about resuming things once he feels stable and reliable enough to focus on creating a life with you.

Unfortunately, I cannot hit you with a small wall of text like the others. However, I really wouldn't advise it. Aside from taking a lot of effort to maintain, the rehab would be bad for either his treatment or for your relationship, if not both. If you really, really want to keep a relationship with him, then try explaining that keeping a relationship when he's in rehab would be inefficient for his treatment, and may end up stalling his release. If both of you desire to continue your relationship after he gets released, then you may do so.

By him being a jerk, do you mean that he's a jackass, someone who loses his temper, or just blunt?

Thank you guys for the replies. I appreciate it :) All you're replies got me thinking about a lot of things. I am willing to support him throughout treatment and after treatment. I really care about him, you know? I do know that a relationship does distract him from recovery, for a fact actually, but that's not longer an issue, for we have spoken about this factor a long time ago, and in the end, the pros of me out weigh the cons. (or at least that's what he's convinced me to believe) Anyway, I think I'm going to stay with him for as long as I can hold up. I actually want to see this through because despite circumstances, this is the best relationship I've had in a while when I really think about things in perspective. So thanks for all the advice, it helped me think about a lot of things. I'll try and stick it through with him. However, this weekend I will be seeing him, and I will have a long talk with him about all my concerns. Hopefully he will understand.

Best of luck! Please let us know if you have any more concerns after your conversation with him. If you need any advice, or just want to talk one-on-one... don't feel shy about PMing or skyping me! If I can help in any way, I would feel really happy! I think that it is extremely honorable of you to stick with him through this. I wish for your happiness, and his! It will be hard, but you'll always have this community to turn to for support. Don't forget that. :)

Relationship sucks.. it really does.. is like a trowing dices hopping to get a wining number. always be picky on who you looking for, there is always somthing you will clash with and ruing your moment. trust me.. or b very picky or just be alone n enjoy life, sorry if it sounds harsh but life is a bitch.. n it sucks in most of the time.

Look at the date before you post next time. Necrobumping a thread is generally frowned upon.

... what? Dude... It hasn't even been a month since the last reply...

Is that not considered old here? If it is not, then I apologize. I assumed that anything older than ten days was considered stale outside of theme-based threads.

Not a necrobump by my standards... It had been pretty much concluded, but I would hardly say necro'd.
I'd give at least a month-two or three to be necro. Mods may see differently though, iunno.

thanks for the clarification, cuz i was going to say i dont remember seen any time limit on when to post a reply, i mean.. sure.. 3-4 months.. whats the point right? lol but like Daggerrise said.. not even a month.. lol i really tho i had miss something on the F.A.Q and the forum rules page.. lol

His focus should be on his recovery, not worrying about his relationship failing.

That damn spambot.