Tips please?
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Yeah.. struggling to think of a way to...umm put this.
Well shit...just do it bluntly then xD
Me and my Missus (screw grammar!) are still going through the phase of experimenting in the bedroom. Only problem is that although i'm 110% eager, she isn't. She says she likes sex and she says she loves foreplay, but she just doesn't ever seem to want to do it. And i have to spend literally hours of coaxing her into it (I've never been forceful). Now of course is she REALLY doesn't want to do it or if she has reasons, then i normally back off and jack off (sorry couldn't resist xD).
We snuggle and cuddle (I'm a freakin poet xD) all the time, but whenever things get serious she seems to...not want to break the barrier...again.
I ask her if anythings wrong, i ask her if she has reasons it always comes to the same infuriating one word answer
"Cus"
Nothing more than that.
Now don't get me wrong it's not like i'm sexually starved here, but as a very eager young male, i want to do more and more often. If she said shes not up for it..then that would be fine, however she IS up for it. It's just when it comes up to the moment she gets the chills and GOD does she like stalling (Hey it's hard to keep hard when shes just sitting on the bed (Fully clothed) humming to herself).
I've also asked her if it's me. Maybe she doesn't like me. Apparently it's totally the opposite (Said from her mouth, her parents, her friends, her sisters).
So i do have a good relationship, but in the bedroom it's feeling a little... tense?
Anyone know anything i could do or say to help a bro cut through the 'cus' shit?
Oh and don't get me wrong, it's not like i force it, or lock her in my room with my cock out, i am patient and i can be romantic if needed.
Cheers for reading this and cheers if you help me out xD
Well shit...just do it bluntly then xD
Me and my Missus (screw grammar!) are still going through the phase of experimenting in the bedroom. Only problem is that although i'm 110% eager, she isn't. She says she likes sex and she says she loves foreplay, but she just doesn't ever seem to want to do it. And i have to spend literally hours of coaxing her into it (I've never been forceful). Now of course is she REALLY doesn't want to do it or if she has reasons, then i normally back off and jack off (sorry couldn't resist xD).
We snuggle and cuddle (I'm a freakin poet xD) all the time, but whenever things get serious she seems to...not want to break the barrier...again.
I ask her if anythings wrong, i ask her if she has reasons it always comes to the same infuriating one word answer
"Cus"
Nothing more than that.
Now don't get me wrong it's not like i'm sexually starved here, but as a very eager young male, i want to do more and more often. If she said shes not up for it..then that would be fine, however she IS up for it. It's just when it comes up to the moment she gets the chills and GOD does she like stalling (Hey it's hard to keep hard when shes just sitting on the bed (Fully clothed) humming to herself).
I've also asked her if it's me. Maybe she doesn't like me. Apparently it's totally the opposite (Said from her mouth, her parents, her friends, her sisters).
So i do have a good relationship, but in the bedroom it's feeling a little... tense?
Anyone know anything i could do or say to help a bro cut through the 'cus' shit?
Oh and don't get me wrong, it's not like i force it, or lock her in my room with my cock out, i am patient and i can be romantic if needed.
Cheers for reading this and cheers if you help me out xD
1
623
FAKKU QA
SolidShark wrote...
Maybe she is worried that after you feel sexually satisfied, you will dump her. Thus, she thinks that by keeping you blue-balled, she is ensuring not to lose you, because she loves you. Tell her that the great thing that being in the relationship with her isn't just the sex, it's that you adore being with her.^That's my opinion. I might be wrong.
What in the actual fuck? Do you honestly believe that she's afraid that he sees her only as some kind of sex toy that he'll throw away when he's done with it? Like, do you read the things you write?
OT: This is just another one of those communication issues. Even if she's being super stubborn, you're just going to have to get her to talk somehow. Just sit her down and make her have the discussion. Communication is what relationships are all about, especially in the bed.
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Lol sex toy :3 i wish xD
Nahh although i do REALLY enjoy sex and i want help for myself to get more, i know it isn't the most important thing, we already have a really good relationship anyway, she tells me everything (probaly not) and i tell her... well most things.
We don't really disagree and we do have a really good time together just plain hanging out.
I think that the problem is i was her first...for everything. First kiss, first play around. First sexual partner. And when i mean first i mean it, even She hadn't used it. So i thinking that shes still slightly intimidated by it all. Like i said i don't want to force her into anything at all i just want it to be easier to have fun with her. She enjoys it and trust me i enjoy it as well.
Nahh although i do REALLY enjoy sex and i want help for myself to get more, i know it isn't the most important thing, we already have a really good relationship anyway, she tells me everything (probaly not) and i tell her... well most things.
We don't really disagree and we do have a really good time together just plain hanging out.
I think that the problem is i was her first...for everything. First kiss, first play around. First sexual partner. And when i mean first i mean it, even She hadn't used it. So i thinking that shes still slightly intimidated by it all. Like i said i don't want to force her into anything at all i just want it to be easier to have fun with her. She enjoys it and trust me i enjoy it as well.
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I've also asked her if it's me. Maybe she doesn't like me. Apparently it's totally the opposite (Said from her mouth, her parents, her friends, her sisters).
So i do have a good relationship, but in the bedroom it's feeling a little... tense?
So i do have a good relationship, but in the bedroom it's feeling a little... tense?
Agreed with 623 on the communication issue. Asking other people doesn't mean anything in this context. If it boils down to how she feels about you and doing sex, directly ask the woman herself instead of beating around the bush. You two get along, and she obviously likes you enough as an individual to know your opinions. Just confer respect with her by talking it out since she's not a doll; be honest about your feelings of frustration and enjoyment. Judging by what you say about her lack of experience, it could very well be about intimidation or insecurity, but don't jump to conclusions if you can just as easily sit down for a one on one talk.
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ToyManC
Forgot my safe word
If it is just the lack of foreplay, a lot of women do not feel comfortable receiving foreplay because they do not like having someone smell them down there.
If she is as innocent as you say, when you got together, then she may be too embarrassed to discuss these issues with her boyfriend. By your own admission, you are not being completely cut off so the key is not to push the issue, and either wait until she is willing to talk about it, or find a common female friend who is willing to act as an intermediary.
If she is worrying about her personal scent, maybe you could stage a seduction in the bath, so she can feel both clean and intimate at the same time. Never underestimate the power of a well-timed seduction
If she is as innocent as you say, when you got together, then she may be too embarrassed to discuss these issues with her boyfriend. By your own admission, you are not being completely cut off so the key is not to push the issue, and either wait until she is willing to talk about it, or find a common female friend who is willing to act as an intermediary.
If she is worrying about her personal scent, maybe you could stage a seduction in the bath, so she can feel both clean and intimate at the same time. Never underestimate the power of a well-timed seduction
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The thing with her going out with me is that i'm VERY blunt.
I don't lie nor do i try to hide things, it works both ways to be honest, it allows for honesty from my mouth even if it's not needed xD.
Also i have asked her all sorts of things like said before, whether its hygiene or lack of experience i don't know.
However i have told her she's never smelt bad (She practically lives in the shower).
Not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing but our sex life is also kinda open, as in our (Not mine or hers...OURS) friends know all about it and so do our families. Works out pretty sweetly to be honest as my Mother was the one that arranged for my and my missus's first time :3 Weird but cool xD
I know that she does lack alot of self confidence so for now i'm going to pin most of it onto that. Another good thing about her going out with me is that i'm getting her 'out of her bubble' (Her words). I am very sociable and i normally drag her out with me. Although i prefer to stay in bed all day she drags me out to places and then wonders why i talk to people :3.
So yeah....
We're guessing on Self confidence and lack of experience??
Trust me hygiene for both of us is not an issue xD
I don't lie nor do i try to hide things, it works both ways to be honest, it allows for honesty from my mouth even if it's not needed xD.
Also i have asked her all sorts of things like said before, whether its hygiene or lack of experience i don't know.
However i have told her she's never smelt bad (She practically lives in the shower).
Not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing but our sex life is also kinda open, as in our (Not mine or hers...OURS) friends know all about it and so do our families. Works out pretty sweetly to be honest as my Mother was the one that arranged for my and my missus's first time :3 Weird but cool xD
I know that she does lack alot of self confidence so for now i'm going to pin most of it onto that. Another good thing about her going out with me is that i'm getting her 'out of her bubble' (Her words). I am very sociable and i normally drag her out with me. Although i prefer to stay in bed all day she drags me out to places and then wonders why i talk to people :3.
So yeah....
We're guessing on Self confidence and lack of experience??
Trust me hygiene for both of us is not an issue xD
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Drifter995
Neko//Night
Could be either of those things.
Just sit her down, and have a long hard talk with her. Put your dick away for it, and just talk. It could strengthen your relationship too, if you're lucky
Just sit her down, and have a long hard talk with her. Put your dick away for it, and just talk. It could strengthen your relationship too, if you're lucky
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Honestly, it's apparent that she doesn't want to have sex. She's lying when she says that she really wants to, because if that were true, she would not do everything she can to avoid it.
You have to ask her what the real problem is, because there very obviously is one. The only way to resolve the issues in the bedroom is to find out what's fundamentally wrong in the relationship itself. It really sounds like the problem is a big one, and has - most likely - nothing to do with sex in and of itself.
My suggestion is to sit her down, hold her hands in yours, look into her eyes and say 'Baby... what's really going on here? I love you, very much, please tell me what I'm doing wrong, or not seeing here.'.
If you put emphasis on the idea that you're the problem, and she's the 'sweet, good girl' type, she'll most likely jump at the opportunity to tell you 'No, no, of course it's not something you did wrong!', or something to that effect. This will be your in to ask her 'Then... then what's wrong?'. If she's still hesitant to talk to you about it, and she remains closed up... it's probably a really bad sign, and I'd be willing to bet it is either a trust issue, or painful insecurity.
In which case... time, therapy, or a breakup may be the only thing left to do.
You have to ask her what the real problem is, because there very obviously is one. The only way to resolve the issues in the bedroom is to find out what's fundamentally wrong in the relationship itself. It really sounds like the problem is a big one, and has - most likely - nothing to do with sex in and of itself.
My suggestion is to sit her down, hold her hands in yours, look into her eyes and say 'Baby... what's really going on here? I love you, very much, please tell me what I'm doing wrong, or not seeing here.'.
If you put emphasis on the idea that you're the problem, and she's the 'sweet, good girl' type, she'll most likely jump at the opportunity to tell you 'No, no, of course it's not something you did wrong!', or something to that effect. This will be your in to ask her 'Then... then what's wrong?'. If she's still hesitant to talk to you about it, and she remains closed up... it's probably a really bad sign, and I'd be willing to bet it is either a trust issue, or painful insecurity.
In which case... time, therapy, or a breakup may be the only thing left to do.
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Gee...Thanks for keeping things cheerful and hopeful xD
If i went up to her and said a sentence like that, she would think i've gone mad xD
Our relationship is going grand apart from the problem which i've written down here :3 And i don't think she doesn't want sex because whilst we're on the phone or online chatting it's her that brings it up, its just when it comes to the bedroom she gets all hesitant :3
If i went up to her and said a sentence like that, she would think i've gone mad xD
Our relationship is going grand apart from the problem which i've written down here :3 And i don't think she doesn't want sex because whilst we're on the phone or online chatting it's her that brings it up, its just when it comes to the bedroom she gets all hesitant :3
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Drag0nf0rce wrote...
Gee...Thanks for keeping things cheerful and hopeful xDIf i went up to her and said a sentence like that, she would think i've gone mad xD
Our relationship is going grand apart from the problem which i've written down here :3 And i don't think she doesn't want sex because whilst we're on the phone or online chatting it's her that brings it up, its just when it comes to the bedroom she gets all hesitant :3
My advice still stands. "Cheerful/hopeful" is meaningless to adult relationships in the real world. What matters is honesty, rationality, and a joint understanding.
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Well we had 'The Talk' today :3.
She confirmed me it's not a problem with me or the Idea of sex, it's the fact that she is practically brand new to it all (so am i tbh..) and she never used to like people touching her hand let alone what i get up to. So it still sorta intimidates her :3
However she has said she is trying her best to change (For me). And when i told her that she doesn't have to change anything she literally said 'Do you want sex or not?'
... I couldn't say no.
She also asked that if i ever want something to tell her a day or two beforehand so she can 'prepare' herself mentally. Fair dos and all.
But hopefully soon the problem will be solved, just gona take a bit of time xD
Cheers for the help bros
She confirmed me it's not a problem with me or the Idea of sex, it's the fact that she is practically brand new to it all (so am i tbh..) and she never used to like people touching her hand let alone what i get up to. So it still sorta intimidates her :3
However she has said she is trying her best to change (For me). And when i told her that she doesn't have to change anything she literally said 'Do you want sex or not?'
... I couldn't say no.
She also asked that if i ever want something to tell her a day or two beforehand so she can 'prepare' herself mentally. Fair dos and all.
But hopefully soon the problem will be solved, just gona take a bit of time xD
Cheers for the help bros
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Drag0nf0rce wrote...
Well we had 'The Talk' today :3.She confirmed me it's not a problem with me or the Idea of sex, it's the fact that she is practically brand new to it all (so am i tbh..) and she never used to like people touching her hand let alone what i get up to. So it still sorta intimidates her :3
However she has said she is trying her best to change (For me). And when i told her that she doesn't have to change anything she literally said 'Do you want sex or not?'
... I couldn't say no.
She also asked that if i ever want something to tell her a day or two beforehand so she can 'prepare' herself mentally. Fair dos and all.
But hopefully soon the problem will be solved, just gona take a bit of time xD
Cheers for the help bros
That sounds.... a bit more promising than before, but I have to just come out and tell you the cold, hard truth.
You need to desensitize her, bro. She also probably is afraid of your penis. [Not to be confused with not being a horny girl. This day and age, us girls are taught to not be interested and a little repulsed by penises. This was, and I'm serious, a government-instated teen-pregnancy control mechanic. It's resulted in the highest rate of E.D. in history.]
Show her the dick. Tell her you think she's fucking hot. Let her catch you masturbating as you say her name out loud. Have some pictures of her on your computer.
The whole 'give me time beforehand' thing is only going to enable her sexual standoffishness. The only way to get her to be truly comfortable with her sexuality is to open her fucking world.
It worked for me.
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Telling her she doesn't have to change anything is bullshit, and I'm glad she called it by being straightforward. The problem isn't going to solve itself. As her partner, you're going to have to help her if you want to make it work for the both of you.
It sounds like she has sexual performance anxiety, if not body insecurity. Leaving her alone to mentally "prepare" herself won't just enable her standoffishness, as Lollikittie says. It might also increase her anxiety of being expected to perform to par, distracting her from enjoying the sex itself. Whatever she's mulling over, get her out of her damn shell. However many times it takes to get it through her thick skull, emphasize that she turns you on. That the sex is great when she gets to enjoy it as much as you do.
Since you say she loves foreplay, you might want to let her take reign for fun. Challenge her. Ask her to give you a hand job, or head. Sounds counterintuitive, but you can possibly boost her in the comfort zone if she understands how much her initiation pleasures you. Be assertive about it, man. Being assertive is not the same as being forceful or aggressive.
It sounds like she has sexual performance anxiety, if not body insecurity. Leaving her alone to mentally "prepare" herself won't just enable her standoffishness, as Lollikittie says. It might also increase her anxiety of being expected to perform to par, distracting her from enjoying the sex itself. Whatever she's mulling over, get her out of her damn shell. However many times it takes to get it through her thick skull, emphasize that she turns you on. That the sex is great when she gets to enjoy it as much as you do.
Since you say she loves foreplay, you might want to let her take reign for fun. Challenge her. Ask her to give you a hand job, or head. Sounds counterintuitive, but you can possibly boost her in the comfort zone if she understands how much her initiation pleasures you. Be assertive about it, man. Being assertive is not the same as being forceful or aggressive.
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I think girls are all different. I think if you're persistent enough and you think she's worth the wait, sooner or later she will open up to you and then you'll be having the sex life you want. I am a pretty horny guy (excuse the vulgarity :P) so I typically will try to make a move on my girlfriends pretty early. That being said, there was one girl named Renee I was with, she wouldn't put out for 3 months. And I somewhat pressured her after two-three weeks I wanted to go further than just copping a feel. And she knew very clearly without a doubt I wanted to have sex with her after the first month. But she just kept refusing, so I sort of know how you feel. Eventually one day, I think some of her girlfriends basically were shocked or convinced her into having sex with me, telling her that they couldn't believe I was so patient and blah blah. And it just tumbled and escalated from that point on.
So I think that if you're patient and you think the girl is worth it, good things will eventually happen to you :)
So I think that if you're patient and you think the girl is worth it, good things will eventually happen to you :)
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im trying to guess what the problem is here. i read all the comments and see that its a small issue. for the most part i guess it could be said she is still getting used to it i guess. how often do you guise do it? if you don't mind me asking. hmm also if your girlfriend get uncomfortable when comes to foreplay or bj whatever then she's probably not going to be able to enjoy herself. woman need to feel comfortable or else they'll just umm ya know not being able to orgasm cause their feeling discomforted and from what you told me you guise have a very open relationship. so i think you should just be patient a little and keep being romantic. maybe she's still adjusting, but i think she's also trying to spice things up but just lacking a bit maybe. anyways i hope things work out for you in the end.
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Apparently, women have quite a many sexual insecurities. I read two or three articles some time back and there were real eye openers.
The one I remember most vividly is that some do not prefer doggy style because their supposed belly fat will hang out. Lol right? A man would be too preoccupied with everything else to even glance there at that area. Additionally, can one even see their bellies in that position?
Us men may not believe it, but there were quite a number listed (about eight or so, I'm sure). And while they can be justified, most of them are simply just that.
Insecurities.
Compliment her figure (but don't make it bloody obvious) and make her feel comfortable. She may never tell you but those insecurities are there (according to my research :/). Assure her of her charm and what not and I'm sure there'll be improvements.
Goodluck, mate.
The one I remember most vividly is that some do not prefer doggy style because their supposed belly fat will hang out. Lol right? A man would be too preoccupied with everything else to even glance there at that area. Additionally, can one even see their bellies in that position?
Us men may not believe it, but there were quite a number listed (about eight or so, I'm sure). And while they can be justified, most of them are simply just that.
Insecurities.
Compliment her figure (but don't make it bloody obvious) and make her feel comfortable. She may never tell you but those insecurities are there (according to my research :/). Assure her of her charm and what not and I'm sure there'll be improvements.
Goodluck, mate.
0
In case anyone ever has a similar problem, these are the steps my husband (not OP) and I used to help us.
Step A: Get a general idea of what problems in the bedroom couples face
Since I'm not her nor a fly on the wall of your bedroom, I really can't figure out what might be upsetting her. My husband and I are in a similar situation, but we've been able to figure out what our problems were because of the way he came to me. The key to note here is that there is often more than one problem.
I'm going to give you a list of the problems I and some of my friends have had.
Here are a list of potential problems:
Obliviously, not everyone has these problems and those that do certainly don't have all of them. There are also other problems that may not be on this list. The key is these examples may help you identify the problem.
Step B: Communication
At a moment when you're snuggling and the day has been pleasant and non-stressing say the following:
Note: Nowhere in there did you say anything about how much you miss sex, or how much she should be enjoying sex. Focus on the idea that it's something you did. If it really is something you did great. If it's her and not you, the fact that you're clearly worried that you've hurt her might bring forth a "Oh no! It's not you it's XYZ123" from her.
Now, when you ask questions of her, use open ended questions. Open ending questions are those that CANNOT be answered as "yes or no". For example, "What is your favorite color?" is open ended. "Could you pick your favorite color?" is close ended. "Where would you like to go to dinner?" Is open ended. "Do you want to go out to dinner?" is close ended. Open ended questions tend to get you more answers.
Other troubleshooting idea: if you asked an open ended question and you get "I don't know", try giving some examples. For example, "Honey, how much pressure have I been putting on you to have sex? Do you ever feel concerned about it after I ask you? Does that feeling of being bothered stay with you for an hour? Two hours? A day?"
Step C: Once you have the problem, STOP TALKING. Now is not the time to solve it.
Thank her for talking to you, give her a kiss on the head etc. DO NOT TRY TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW. You have just gotten over a MAJOR communication hurdle and it probably took a lot for her say it. When people are being questioned about something painful, they feel very exposed. To continue on and try to solve the problem right now may make her feel like you are obsessed with "fixing her" rather than worried about her feelings. My husband once described me as the Spanish Inquisition because I came at him with too many questions, too fast. Your job right now is to snuggle up to your Mrs. and enjoy the rest of the evening.
Once you have identified the problem, get some advice on how to fix it. Then, on another day when you are both comfortable, you can try to fix it.
Step A: Get a general idea of what problems in the bedroom couples face
Since I'm not her nor a fly on the wall of your bedroom, I really can't figure out what might be upsetting her. My husband and I are in a similar situation, but we've been able to figure out what our problems were because of the way he came to me. The key to note here is that there is often more than one problem.
I'm going to give you a list of the problems I and some of my friends have had.
Here are a list of potential problems:
Spoiler:
Obliviously, not everyone has these problems and those that do certainly don't have all of them. There are also other problems that may not be on this list. The key is these examples may help you identify the problem.
Step B: Communication
At a moment when you're snuggling and the day has been pleasant and non-stressing say the following:
"Honey (or whatever her nickname is), I've noticed that you seem uncomfortable with sex. I'm concerned because I love you and I want you to enjoy yourself. When I've asked you about this in the past, it sounded like you either didn't want to talk about it or you weren't sure what to say to me. I was to make you happy, and I'm very worried that you might feel unable to talk to me. I'm also worried that I've done something to make you uncomfortable. Could we go through some of the worries I've been having? I just want to make sure I'm not doing something wrong."
Note: Nowhere in there did you say anything about how much you miss sex, or how much she should be enjoying sex. Focus on the idea that it's something you did. If it really is something you did great. If it's her and not you, the fact that you're clearly worried that you've hurt her might bring forth a "Oh no! It's not you it's XYZ123" from her.
Now, when you ask questions of her, use open ended questions. Open ending questions are those that CANNOT be answered as "yes or no". For example, "What is your favorite color?" is open ended. "Could you pick your favorite color?" is close ended. "Where would you like to go to dinner?" Is open ended. "Do you want to go out to dinner?" is close ended. Open ended questions tend to get you more answers.
Other troubleshooting idea: if you asked an open ended question and you get "I don't know", try giving some examples. For example, "Honey, how much pressure have I been putting on you to have sex? Do you ever feel concerned about it after I ask you? Does that feeling of being bothered stay with you for an hour? Two hours? A day?"
Step C: Once you have the problem, STOP TALKING. Now is not the time to solve it.
Thank her for talking to you, give her a kiss on the head etc. DO NOT TRY TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW. You have just gotten over a MAJOR communication hurdle and it probably took a lot for her say it. When people are being questioned about something painful, they feel very exposed. To continue on and try to solve the problem right now may make her feel like you are obsessed with "fixing her" rather than worried about her feelings. My husband once described me as the Spanish Inquisition because I came at him with too many questions, too fast. Your job right now is to snuggle up to your Mrs. and enjoy the rest of the evening.
Once you have identified the problem, get some advice on how to fix it. Then, on another day when you are both comfortable, you can try to fix it.
0
Give it some time see if anyone she knows has a guess just randomly bring it up while I might not be the best person for this as I'll I have been doing recently really is just consensual sex one more guess though penis size while that's probably not that any guess is as good as any I'm guessing you live in the U.S. I've never really dated anyone there as I moved to London for collage and people in London are a lot different compared to people from L.A. or Texas (Just picked random states)