When is Dominance too far?
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The first two paragraphs are just background on my relationship so feel free to skip it if you don't care.
I am currently in a Dom/Sub relationship and this is my first time with someone that is THIS submissive. We have many BDSM fetishes and do enjoy role playing, which is all great. I have no problem being a Dom and actually rather enjoy it. I know my partner also very much enjoys being a Sub and pretty much everything is perfect.... Pretty much everything...
Now we get to the problem. Although I enjoy being a Dom and it fits my nature I am always worried about going too far; to the point where I cause physical or(what I am most worried about) mental damage. I dont want to push her to a point where she is permanently changed or irreversibly hurt. The reason I feel that this is a big concern is that she is so willing to serve and please me that the word 'no' is not in her vocabulary and she has been hinting that she wants even more Dominance from me. I want to, of course, keep her pleased because I love her very very much. HOWEVER, I am concerned that, since she wont say no and is very complacent, I will accidentally go too far.
My question is, how far is too far? I know its a very broad question so I apologize but I want to hear other peoples opinions on the topic before I make my final decision. (I am a bit neurotic and like to have do plenty of research before I make any decision)
If you have any insight or feedback for me I thank you ahead of time!
I am currently in a Dom/Sub relationship and this is my first time with someone that is THIS submissive. We have many BDSM fetishes and do enjoy role playing, which is all great. I have no problem being a Dom and actually rather enjoy it. I know my partner also very much enjoys being a Sub and pretty much everything is perfect.... Pretty much everything...
Now we get to the problem. Although I enjoy being a Dom and it fits my nature I am always worried about going too far; to the point where I cause physical or(what I am most worried about) mental damage. I dont want to push her to a point where she is permanently changed or irreversibly hurt. The reason I feel that this is a big concern is that she is so willing to serve and please me that the word 'no' is not in her vocabulary and she has been hinting that she wants even more Dominance from me. I want to, of course, keep her pleased because I love her very very much. HOWEVER, I am concerned that, since she wont say no and is very complacent, I will accidentally go too far.
My question is, how far is too far? I know its a very broad question so I apologize but I want to hear other peoples opinions on the topic before I make my final decision. (I am a bit neurotic and like to have do plenty of research before I make any decision)
If you have any insight or feedback for me I thank you ahead of time!
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artcellrox
The Grey Knight :y
Very sound advice: have safe words. I'm not kidding.
Say your girl is not just submissive, but also has a rape fetish. This means that, if she's saying no to the sex, it can be confusing about whether she's playing along, or actually wants to stop.
The best safe word for a situation like this is randomness. For example, if she says no during a rape-play, you may not be inclined to actually stop (because it's part of the fantasy). However, if she says something like "banana", "George Bush", or anything remotely out-of-nowhere and non-sexual, it should click in your head that something's wrong, and you should stop.
From the way you're describing her, she's either really that submissive and/or she's willing to be that submissive for you. If she wants you to rough her up more, just talk to her about it. Don't say no; rather, tell her that you're nervous and need her help in understanding where the line is drawn (don't bring up anything negatively, in short). Make sure both of you also understand just how far she's willing to go for you, and how far you're able to do her.
The most important thing to keep in mind: regardless of how you two play everything out, it's still a relationship. Communication and trust are absolutely vital.
Just gonna leave this here, seeing as it's kinda relevant.
Say your girl is not just submissive, but also has a rape fetish. This means that, if she's saying no to the sex, it can be confusing about whether she's playing along, or actually wants to stop.
The best safe word for a situation like this is randomness. For example, if she says no during a rape-play, you may not be inclined to actually stop (because it's part of the fantasy). However, if she says something like "banana", "George Bush", or anything remotely out-of-nowhere and non-sexual, it should click in your head that something's wrong, and you should stop.
From the way you're describing her, she's either really that submissive and/or she's willing to be that submissive for you. If she wants you to rough her up more, just talk to her about it. Don't say no; rather, tell her that you're nervous and need her help in understanding where the line is drawn (don't bring up anything negatively, in short). Make sure both of you also understand just how far she's willing to go for you, and how far you're able to do her.
The most important thing to keep in mind: regardless of how you two play everything out, it's still a relationship. Communication and trust are absolutely vital.
Just gonna leave this here, seeing as it's kinda relevant.
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Lughost
the Lugoat
You two should probably sit down one day and discuss how far each of you is comfortable with going in your whole dom/sub thing. Bring up your concerns with her and talk about them- communication is always vital to a relationship.
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animefreak_usa
Child of Samael
First two plus think before the event. Would i be in fear or pain if someone did this to me. Before doing anything new make her watch films of that bsdm act or read the blogs. If she afraid before the thing.. then she will be uncomfortable during. My lovers where afraid of my sadistically need for blood and binding before we did it.
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artcellrox wrote...
Very sound advice: have safe words. I'm not kidding.[...] The best safe word for a situation like this is randomness. For example, if she says no during a rape-play, you may not be inclined to actually stop (because it's part of the fantasy). However, if she says something like "banana", "George Bush", or anything remotely out-of-nowhere and non-sexual, it should click in your head that something's wrong, and you should stop.
Completely agree with that, I used to read about the topic because I was interested in starting a light bdsm relationship, and that seemed to be the golden rule from the sources I read, a safe word.
And like they've all told you, talk to her. Tell her that if she ever feels uncomfortable about something you ask her to do or just not so sure about it, she's got to tell you. Or talk to her of what she's interested or willing to do, from the most "soft" stuff to the most hardcore ones. Communicate.
I feel like I kind of paraphrased what everyone else just said but I wanted to reply since you seem to care for her a lot, so, good luck with it!
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Even with a safe word if you feel she's becoming too engrossed in her role, even outside the bedroom, sit down and talk to her. Submission can be fun in bed, but if it trickles into everyday life between the two of you it can cause some problems. I was a sub to my husband, not heavily, but even so it did make its way into our lives and it has effected me and my self confidence, I'm constantly feeling this overwhelming need to please him even after he cheated and left me. Maybe his affairs left me feeling insecure, but even before the cheating I found I lost my voice when with him, it was all whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it and it eventually led to a lot of turmoil. Use your judgement and don't forget to communicate. But don't worry too much, just enjoy.
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Everyone else has already covered your bases. Sit her down and make absolutely sure none of her submission is due to any mental issues or true emotional masochism. Establish safe words for 'Stop', 'Ease up' and 'More'. Make sure you're on the same page, and both equally comfortable with everything. Bottom line: what happens in private between two consenting adults is never 'too far'.
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This isn't something that we can answer for you. This is a topic you absolutely need to have a conversation about with your partner - outside of the bedroom, without distractions. BDSM or not, it's always healthy to have a conversation about what your partner's boundaries are. Also, it's always a great idea to have a safe word handy (ours, for instance, is "green"), but there might be instances where it is nullified due to the circumstance - for instance, choking, ball gag, etc where it becomes very difficult for the submissive partner to speak or express her consent. In these circumstances, you need to know a) how far she is actually comfortable going and b) how far it is SAFE to go without causing injury. I applaud you for doing your research, but this will be a continually evolving process as you get to know one another and evolve sexually. Best of luck.
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artcellrox
The Grey Knight :y
HappyDia01 wrote...
(ours, for instance, is "green")How'd you guys come to that?
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artcellrox wrote...
HappyDia01 wrote...
(ours, for instance, is "green")How'd you guys come to that?
Well, it is better that the word is something easy to remember and relatively short. For instance, if you feel dizzy or weak then your favorite color is a lot easier to recall then a longer word in, let's say, a foreign language. So, lots of people actually use colors as a safe word. Green is Andrew's favorite, so we went with that. It's an automatic trigger for his attention, because green is so out of place when it comes to sex. And it's not a word that can be easily mistaken for anything else.
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Thanks everyone for the replies! A lot of great advice and insight. We do have a safe word so that is covered and I am going to talk about her limits. :)
^^^^THIS. Is actually a really large concern of mine. I know it is already starting to influence her everyday life but I love her so much and want her to be herself and feel comfortable. I also don't see anything wrong with most of her habits that are developing right now BUT I am worried that ones my come up that ARE an issue. Does anyone know of a way to help avoid submissive habits that could be emotionally bad?
ZombieQueen wrote...
Even with a safe word if you feel she's becoming too engrossed in her role, even outside the bedroom, sit down and talk to her. Submission can be fun in bed, but if it trickles into everyday life between the two of you it can cause some problems. I was a sub to my husband, not heavily, but even so it did make its way into our lives and it has effected me and my self confidence, I'm constantly feeling this overwhelming need to please him^^^^THIS. Is actually a really large concern of mine. I know it is already starting to influence her everyday life but I love her so much and want her to be herself and feel comfortable. I also don't see anything wrong with most of her habits that are developing right now BUT I am worried that ones my come up that ARE an issue. Does anyone know of a way to help avoid submissive habits that could be emotionally bad?
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HappyDia01 wrote...
but there might be instances where it is nullified due to the circumstance - for instance, choking, ball gag, etc where it becomes very difficult for the submissive partner to speak or express her consent. In these circumstances, you need to know a) how far she is actually comfortable going and b) how far it is SAFE to go without causing injury. I applaud you for doing your research, but this will be a continually evolving process as you get to know one another and evolve sexually. Best of luck.This is another large concern. I agree that we should just play it safe and go "up" in small steps to find where the right place is. Is there any other advice on this specific issue?
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id reference the manga nana to kaoru to see how he progressed i'd start really simple blind fold and some handcuffs(i have no experience in this and sorry for my ignorance)maybe 50 shades of gray read the contract part for some ideas and see what both of yall would like spreader bar and going heavy would be a ball gag and some wax idk thats all i can say
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robo1289 wrote...
id reference the manga nana to kaoru to see how he progressed i'd start really simple blind fold and some handcuffs(i have no experience in this and sorry for my ignorance)maybe 50 shades of gray read the contract part for some ideas and see what both of yall would like spreader bar and going heavy would be a ball gag and some wax idk thats all i can sayThanks for replying but I am not really looking for ideas about what to do but advice on how to make sure i am not pushing things too far. Thanks for your input though. :)
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I could safely say you've gone to far when an injury or bruising, rope burn has occurred something like that id ask what her hard limits are and not do those or anything similar to that
