[2Roads 2014] The Words Left Unspoken
2
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
So, At the time I post this, I may not have made it for the deadline but since I took time to write it, I'm going to post it anyway so it doesn't matter if I get disqualified. It'd be nice if I wasn't, but I respect the rules and deadlines.
In regards to the actual story, I won't make excuses, because it is indeed rushed as I was busy and it is pretty predictable as far as 'twists' go...maybe the twist is that there is no twist, you just don't know...
Press spoiler to read:
In regards to the actual story, I won't make excuses, because it is indeed rushed as I was busy and it is pretty predictable as far as 'twists' go...maybe the twist is that there is no twist, you just don't know...
Press spoiler to read:
Spoiler:
0
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
Ah, what a tragic tale, Assasin. I didn't expect such an unfortunate set of circumstances, honestly. It has a good back-story, and even teaches a nice moral lesson. I wish it was sweeter and our protagonist could be together with Claire, but sadly I suppose this is an impossibility as the story is. I suppose I wish there was a bit more about who did it, was it his friend who betrayed him or did ANGA catch him on his way? As well, what became of him directly after and how did he live out the rest of his life? I suppose these will go unanswered.
Those things aside, it was great that you managed to develop this for the contest. It pleased me to read your writing again. Well done.
Those things aside, it was great that you managed to develop this for the contest. It pleased me to read your writing again. Well done.
1
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
Xenon wrote...
Ah, what a tragic tale, Assasin. I didn't expect such an unfortunate set of circumstances, honestly. It has a good back-story, and even teaches a nice moral lesson. I wish it was sweeter and our protagonist could be together with Claire, but sadly I suppose this is an impossibility as the story is. I suppose I wish there was a bit more about who did it, was it his friend who betrayed him or did ANGA catch him on his way? As well, what became of him directly after and how did he live out the rest of his life? I suppose these will go unanswered.Those things aside, it was great that you managed to develop this for the contest. It pleased me to read your writing again. Well done.
Honestly, the original draft I made that was about twice the length of this had fleshed out the romance a bit more, as well as the circumstances between him and his friend as well as that ending, with ANGA's involvement.
I had to scrap it to cut the length in half, haha...
Though, I actually originally intended for his life after that to be left up to the interpretation to the viewer. Considering his father, though....I wonder.
Thanks for the review! When I first finished this, I was a bit hesitant to even post it because I wasn't sure it was that good at all...So thanks.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I found it entertaining. I am sorry to say that I could not find it tragic because I was more than amused by the description of the Nekogirl creature and why our hero treasured it so much. Was it like an animal? It is kept in cages after all and rather furry. Or was it human?
I can only blame myself for lacking the needed empathy to fully sympathise with the main character and Claire. Never was an animal lover myself and never took to romance.
Like most of your stories, they were easy to understand, the opening dialogue might not get to the point about what Claire was but to your credit it was short. (Not to say that you have to get to the point at the opening, in fact doing so might ruin the story. It is more of the case that I am glad that the opening dialogue was short and gave us an idea of what the main character was.) Please take my remarks as a compliment.
I can only blame myself for lacking the needed empathy to fully sympathise with the main character and Claire. Never was an animal lover myself and never took to romance.
Like most of your stories, they were easy to understand, the opening dialogue might not get to the point about what Claire was but to your credit it was short. (Not to say that you have to get to the point at the opening, in fact doing so might ruin the story. It is more of the case that I am glad that the opening dialogue was short and gave us an idea of what the main character was.) Please take my remarks as a compliment.
1
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
leonard267 wrote...
I found it entertaining. I am sorry to say that I could not find it tragic because I was more than amused by the description of the Nekogirl creature and why our hero treasured it so much. Was it like an animal? It is kept in cages after all and rather furry. Or was it human? I can only blame myself for lacking the needed empathy to fully sympathise with the main character and Claire. Never was an animal lover myself and never took to romance.
Like most of your stories, they were easy to understand, the opening dialogue might not get to the point about what Claire was but to your credit it was short. (Not to say that you have to get to the point at the opening, in fact doing so might ruin the story. It is more of the case that I am glad that the opening dialogue was short and give us an idea of what the main character was.) Please take my remarks as a compliment.
Whatever you take away from this, be it tragic or entertaining, I'm just happy you thought it was alright, and I'm always happy to see reviews of my work.
And about the Nekogirl...I wanted to describe enough to give you a general idea, but not in too much detail so that your imagination could give you the rest of the information. Just a note though, not everyone thinks of them the same.
And yeah, I wanted to establish the circumstances and personality of our hero, but bogging you down with a long intro is just dreary and really, with the word limit I couldn't work on it that much.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
That said and done, have you read my entry? It is less than 1500 words! It should take you less than 3 minutes to browse through it. I would really like to know what you think of it.
1
There's one thing you did that annoys me, and I simply cannot ignore it. You switch tenses a lot. For the most part, it's convention to pick one and stay with it. Is this story told in the past tense or the present tense?
That aside, it was difficult for me to get into this story due in no small part to the worldbuilding. The picture you've painted of this world leads me to believe that the opinion of Nekogirls is overwhelmingly negative. They're feral creatures, they live only because we let them, and so on. That being the case, I can't help but wonder why the selling of them is such a lucrative business in this world as you've implied.
ANGA is another facet of the world that I shake my head at. I'm not saying such an organization wouldn't exist in a setting where Nekogirls are a hot-button issue, but what bothers me is the way it's seemingly handled. The news headline implies that they have a lot of members and are very powerful. When I hear of a group like ANGA however, the first thing that comes to mind is an organization such as the KKK, which (to me) is an extremist group on the fringe. You might fear them, but they don't have anywhere near the kind of power it would take to cross swords with the president.
Overall, it felt very much like the world was out to get our main character or in other words, overly dramatic.
I take particular issue with this line. I get that Nekogirls are an important topic in this world, but is there nothing else going on? Is his dad so one-note that almost everything he says is badmouthing Nekogirls in one form or another?
This is another issue I have with the world. First, if the Nekogirls are being killed off by their owners, then whose reporting them to the police? Second, why are the owners even killing their own Nekogirls that they bought with their money? The only reason I can think of is that they're a bunch of rich assholes, but there's nothing to indicate that.
That aside, it was difficult for me to get into this story due in no small part to the worldbuilding. The picture you've painted of this world leads me to believe that the opinion of Nekogirls is overwhelmingly negative. They're feral creatures, they live only because we let them, and so on. That being the case, I can't help but wonder why the selling of them is such a lucrative business in this world as you've implied.
ANGA is another facet of the world that I shake my head at. I'm not saying such an organization wouldn't exist in a setting where Nekogirls are a hot-button issue, but what bothers me is the way it's seemingly handled. The news headline implies that they have a lot of members and are very powerful. When I hear of a group like ANGA however, the first thing that comes to mind is an organization such as the KKK, which (to me) is an extremist group on the fringe. You might fear them, but they don't have anywhere near the kind of power it would take to cross swords with the president.
Overall, it felt very much like the world was out to get our main character or in other words, overly dramatic.
It was mostly a silent dinner, which I prefer because anything that comes out of Dad’s mouth is almost always contempt for the Nekogirls.
I take particular issue with this line. I get that Nekogirls are an important topic in this world, but is there nothing else going on? Is his dad so one-note that almost everything he says is badmouthing Nekogirls in one form or another?
Just yesterday the police station was swarmed with reports of Nekogirl deaths by their owners.
This is another issue I have with the world. First, if the Nekogirls are being killed off by their owners, then whose reporting them to the police? Second, why are the owners even killing their own Nekogirls that they bought with their money? The only reason I can think of is that they're a bunch of rich assholes, but there's nothing to indicate that.
1
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
There's one thing you did that annoys me, and I simply cannot ignore it. You switch tenses a lot. For the most part, it's convention to pick one and stay with it. Is this story told in the past tense or the present tense?-> Yeah, it's definitely something I haven't gotten over since I started writing, I know it's something I should fix...Thanks for pointing that out.
That aside, it was difficult for me to get into this story due in no small part to the worldbuilding. The picture you've painted of this world leads me to believe that the opinion of Nekogirls is overwhelmingly negative. They're feral creatures, they live only because we let them, and so on. That being the case, I can't help but wonder why the selling of them is such a lucrative business in this world as you've implied.
-> Well, I suppose again that's my fault for not really making it too clear. What I was thinking when I wrote it was that people do think of them negatively, but in the sense as if they're domestic animals. They aren't feral or anything like that...But they're like...Sentient pets?
ANGA is another facet of the world that I shake my head at. I'm not saying such an organization wouldn't exist in a setting where Nekogirls are a hot-button issue, but what bothers me is the way it's seemingly handled. The news headline implies that they have a lot of members and are very powerful. When I hear of a group like ANGA however, the first thing that comes to mind is an organization such as the KKK, which (to me) is an extremist group on the fringe. You might fear them, but they don't have anywhere near the kind of power it would take to cross swords with the president.
-> I don't really want to bring real life politics into this, but rather than the KKK, I was thinking more on the lines of a terrorist group of sorts. But again, there are as many interpretations as there are people in the world so I can definitely understand your point.
Overall, it felt very much like the world was out to get our main character or in other words, overly dramatic.
-> This was the sticking point for me, I wanted to put it in a sense that our main character was one of the only people who actually saw these Nekogirls as an equal, rather than second-grade citizens or rather, domestic pets as other people do...And how someone with a different opinion to the majority doesn't always end well. (Again, Your interpretation is your own and I accept that)
It was mostly a silent dinner, which I prefer because anything that comes out of Dad’s mouth is almost always contempt for the Nekogirls.
I take particular issue with this line. I get that Nekogirls are an important topic in this world, but is there nothing else going on? Is his dad so one-note that almost everything he says is badmouthing Nekogirls in one form or another?
-> I wanted to flesh this out a bit more, but what I intended to add which I couldn't was that his father owned a company that only got successful because of this lucrative new career. And he's just...trying to convert his son, so to speak, because he knows his son is suffering because of his kindness to them, or wanting him to realise that it was thanks to the Nekogirls that he can live the way he lives now thanks to the career taking off. (But, doing a very bad job of it, I'd say)
Just yesterday the police station was swarmed with reports of Nekogirl deaths by their owners.
This is another issue I have with the world. First, if the Nekogirls are being killed off by their owners, then whose reporting them to the police? Second, why are the owners even killing their own Nekogirls that they bought with their money? The only reason I can think of is that they're a bunch of rich assholes, but there's nothing to indicate that.
-> I think this one is just a misunderstanding, or rather, maybe I phrased that wrongly. What I meant was, The Nekogirls were murdered by ANGA, NOT the owners. "By" in this circumstance is basically the owners reporting it...Not them perpetrating the murder. (This might be my fault actually, I never considered the phrasing could lead it to mean something different entirely).
-->Still, Thank you very much for the review. I appreciate the criticism because coming to terms with criticism is how you get better at something, or at least I believe so. And I do believe I took a few things from your review that is kind of useful, as well as another interpretation of my story which I am always glad to see because...
Well, like I said, many people have different interpretations and it's interesting to find out...Considering that as the Author, I, myself had my own interpretation of the story.
2
What I was thinking when I wrote it was that people do think of them negatively, but in the sense as if they're domestic animals.
This actually lends itself to another point I have against the worldbuilding that is implicit because of ANGA's existence. If it is widely accepted that Nekogirls are beneath humans, then why would such an organization exist? It wouldn't. There'd be no need to form one. However, the fact that this organization exists implies that the views of Nekogirls' status is not so one-sided, but there's nothing that really hints at this much more balanced state of affairs. The narrator is the only character introduced in the story who thinks they deserve to have more rights. I'd say his mother is neutral, and then there's his father, the other kids who bully him, his friend who may or may not have betrayed him, and of course, ANGA.
-> This was the sticking point for me, I wanted to put it in a sense that our main character was one of the only people who actually saw these Nekogirls as an equal, rather than second-grade citizens or rather, domestic pets as other people do...And how someone with a different opinion to the majority doesn't always end well. (Again, Your interpretation is your own and I accept that)
To that end, your story succeeds, but a little too well if you ask me.
I wanted to flesh this out a bit more, but what I intended to add which I couldn't was that his father owned a company that only got successful because of this lucrative new career. And he's just...trying to convert his son, so to speak, because he knows his son is suffering because of his kindness. (Doing a very bad job of it, I'd say)
I get that his father is at least involved with a company that sells Nekogirls. That he's trying to teach his son a lesson does help explain it better, but without this information, it remains a line that needs work.
-> I think this one is just a misunderstanding, or rather, maybe I phrased that wrongly. What I meant was, The Nekogirls were murdered by ANGA, NOT the owners. "By" in this circumstance is basically the owners reporting it...Not them perpetrating the murder. (This might be my fault actually, I never considered the phrasing could lead it to mean something different entirely).
Yeah, that makes a lot more sense.
Still, Thank you very much for the review. I appreciate the criticism because coming to terms with criticism is how you get better at something, or at least I believe so. And I do believe I took a few things from your review that is kind of useful, as well as another interpretation of my story which I am always glad to see because...
You're welcome, and I agree absolutely. Every point I brought up was said not out of spite but because I thought it was something that could be improved upon.
1
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
What I was thinking when I wrote it was that people do think of them negatively, but in the sense as if they're domestic animals.
This actually lends itself to another point I have against the worldbuilding that is implicit because of ANGA's existence. If it is widely accepted that Nekogirls are beneath humans, then why would such an organization exist? It wouldn't. There'd be no need to form one. However, the fact that this organization exists implies that the views of Nekogirls' status is not so one-sided, but there's nothing that really hints at this much more balanced state of affairs. The narrator is the only character introduced in the story who thinks they deserve to have more rights. I'd say his mother is neutral, and then there's his father, the other kids who bully him, his friend who may or may not have betrayed him, and of course, ANGA.
--> Well, it is indeed widely accepted that they are beneath humans, but the fact that people still want to keep them as "pets" at all is what ANGA doesn't like, was my thought process.
ANGA, to me, is...well, people who basically don't want to live with something that's not human, and the fact that these "pets" show more intelligence than normal pets scares them. Because logically, they're sentient and, well, smart. They just don't want to accept that "pets" can be as smart as humans. Sooo, they seek to eradicate the existence of them. (Again, this might be more subjective to interpretation more than ever)
-> This was the sticking point for me, I wanted to put it in a sense that our main character was one of the only people who actually saw these Nekogirls as an equal, rather than second-grade citizens or rather, domestic pets as other people do...And how someone with a different opinion to the majority doesn't always end well. (Again, Your interpretation is your own and I accept that)
To that end, your story succeeds, but a little too well if you ask me.
-->A little too well? Um, I suppose so. Do you mean too much emphasis was placed on that?
I wanted to flesh this out a bit more, but what I intended to add which I couldn't was that his father owned a company that only got successful because of this lucrative new career. And he's just...trying to convert his son, so to speak, because he knows his son is suffering because of his kindness. (Doing a very bad job of it, I'd say)
I get that his father is at least involved with a company that sells Nekogirls. That he's trying to teach his son a lesson does help explain it better, but without this information, it remains a line that needs work.
--> Yeah, it ended up being something I had to cut out, so I definitely hear you.
-> I think this one is just a misunderstanding, or rather, maybe I phrased that wrongly. What I meant was, The Nekogirls were murdered by ANGA, NOT the owners. "By" in this circumstance is basically the owners reporting it...Not them perpetrating the murder. (This might be my fault actually, I never considered the phrasing could lead it to mean something different entirely).
Yeah, that makes a lot more sense.
Still, Thank you very much for the review. I appreciate the criticism because coming to terms with criticism is how you get better at something, or at least I believe so. And I do believe I took a few things from your review that is kind of useful, as well as another interpretation of my story which I am always glad to see because...
You're welcome, and I agree absolutely. Every point I brought up was said not out of spite but because I thought it was something that could be improved upon.
--> Yep, Thanks. I honestly appreciate that you also took the time to discuss this a bit with me, and if possible, I'll go check out your entry when I have the time.
0
-->A little too well? Um, I suppose so. Do you mean too much emphasis was placed on that?
Yeah. I think it's too heavy handed.
--> Yep, Thanks. I honestly appreciate that you also took the time to discuss this a bit with me, and if possible, I'll go check out your entry when I have the time.
Looking forward to it.