An Interpretation of Events (´･ω･`)

You may notice that whoever is writing this has a strange way of expressing himself and if one thinks that his writing style is completely unintelligible or that the writer ought to thrown into an asylum cell, one may be very much forgiven. I can explain about 1 or 2 of the author's oddities:

1. He refers to himself as "the author of this post". A very peculiar pronoun reflecting his tendency for schizophrenia or his blatant refusal of using more simpler pronouns like 'I'. Do take that into mind.

2. He abhors the use of expletives and vulgar language being himself an ((´･ωï½¥`) -ing) prude. But, there comes an occasion in storytelling where polite language cannot be used to convey the character's frustration, anguish and anger. So, he substitutes all expletives with this particular emoticon, (´･ωï½¥`). Do take note of that as well.

And do pardon me for going through a little background to the inspiration of the story that will be posted. Here it is:

The author of this post had chanced upon an extremely intriguing article about a fortnight ago. Doubtless, that story is fresh in many of your minds. It is a strange concoction, being able to please and amuse, and at the same time be disturbing and depressing. The author of this post takes a more pessimistic view of things unfortunately and is deeply troubled by it.

As an act of self-consolation, the author of this post decided to come up with an interpretation of how that article came to be. This will be also the namesake of this post: "An Interpretation of Events (Insert Emoticon)"

Yet, what is a story without its characters? Two principal characters must not pass without mention or introduction.

The first protagonist, the writer shall christen 'A'. He is chiefly responsible for the events that would be further elaborated in this little tale.

The second protagonist, the writer shall name 'B'. He serves to exacerbate matters further by coming up with terrible suggestions. He is said to serve as the foil to 'A' but that is a very poor use of the word.

Of course, there are many other persons labouring behind the scenes but they will not appear in person. As to who they are, the story may reveal in time.

And, it should be left to interpretation as to whether the writer had a limited
creativity when it comes to coming up with names.

So ends the introduction, which is, upon reflection, an utter waste of time, which is why it is placed in a spoiler.

The spark that lead to the fire, (of which 'fire' is a severe understatement), was a seemingly innocuous question posed to 'B' by 'A',

"I have one lady who I am on good terms with. She appears to be making advances towards me. What advice would you give me?"

Nonplussed, 'B' gave a rather elaborate answer."
"Normally, you would ask your friends or peers what to do.
If you don't have any friends, approach your parents or grandparents.
If you are on bad terms with your relations, get some counselling.
When all else fails, there is always the Internet."

Upon uttering the last sentence, 'B' broke into a mischievous smile. 'A' responded rather wryly,

"You are a great help as usual, 'B' and you never fail to put in ideas in my head. Now, if I were to follow your advice to the letter, I:
Don't want to approach my friends or my relations.
Have no desire to be treated at least like a person of desperate need of help, not least by a counsellor or a psychiatrist.
I do have Internet access.

Which leaves me the option of seeking help on the Internet. And as we all know full well, it is a reliable place to ask for help! I have one good example of how the Internet delivers with satisfaction!
http://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110606021353AA5HFzr


'A' continued in a rather apathetic voice, making it hard to tell whether he is being snide.

"And 'B', do you know what I think ought to be best appropriate place to seek help concerning relationships? I happen to know a site that deals with pornographic pictures, written nonsense, snarky and snide remarks amounting to verbal abuse and pictures of transvestites. Here is another link for you, 'B'!"

http://www.2chan.net/

"Looks like the perfect place to ask for relationship advice. Why not start an uncalled for thread?"

The writer would leave it to the interpretation of the reader as to how 'A' manages to give links to 'B', a task one would say is physically impossible, not impossible altogether.

And so the 'A' begun the thread.

He/She sniggered at the thought of the countless faceless people mocking and jeering at these lines:

"Help! I have a girl I like!" ""(´･ωï½¥`)"


'B' came up with the first reply:

"Feeling head over heels over a brat or a broad? XXX Brand of Ramen noodles is blended with natural herbs from Aokigahara that will help soothe your nerves. Somewhat."

Without waiting for 'A' 's response, 'B' explained,

"I am helping someone I am not really fond of to market XXX Ramen. I am sure you will agree that this thread that has nothing to do with ramen the best place to do it."

More responses followed,
""(´･ωï½¥`)"

"Who the (´･ωï½¥`) are you?!"


"Try giving yourself a dose of cyanide, it helps you relieve the anxiety of having a crush on women of the opposite sex."

"Consider having a sex-change operation."

"Apply these estrogen rich soaps on your body. You will begin developing mammary glands and you will lose your testosterone, before long you will be rid of your crush!"

One may wonder what is going on in 'A' 's head. Did 'A' feel offended or was he/she feeling rather pleased with himself or was he simply laughing at the responses? The writer beseeches the audience this: "One does not simply probe the mind of a troll."

'B' managed to stifle his/her laughter whilst remarking,

"I don't know much about emoticons, but that "(´･ωï½¥`) looks obscene! I feel as if someone is flashing himself/herself at me!"

The reply:
"Welcome to the Internet!"

However, it was not the emoticons or the absurd suggestions that caught 'A' 's eye. Rather, it was a more sincere response.

"Have you got her number? Getting her number is a good start."

'A' muttered to him/herself,

"I could stop here if I wanted to and amuse the (´･ωï½¥`) out of myself reading these replies. But (´･ωï½¥`) , why stop here?"

'A' stared at the screen for a while and wondered what should be done? 'A' was playing the role of someone who is blissfully ignorant of the affairs of the heart. And if 'A' were to continue to have his/her fun,

"May as well continue to play the role I have signed up for! I will follow the good advice provided by the friendly and hospitable people of the Internet." 'A' said aloud.

"What?! You are going to attempt suicide and undergo sex change all at once?" B squawked.

"Naw. That will kill me. I will do something about phone numbers though. It is time to unleash the hidden creative genius in me. How would you get someone's number, 'B'?"

"It depends on the person, my dear 'A'. And it is quite unfortunate that you are roleplaying an idiot. I'd imagine that that person would only get that woman's phone number through duress or perhaps she is just plain drunk."

"Good! I will say that she and I were at a bar. She wasn't thinking straight when I requested to exchange phone numbers with her."

And so, the setting of this story was slowly fleshed out. Exchanging phone numbers appeared to be something mundane and rather uneventful. But the writer can divulge some of the thought processes in 'A' 's head.

What is the most creepy thing you could do with a phone?

"Oi! 'B'! What is the most creepy thing you could do with a phone?"

"I don't know! You can (´･ωï½¥`) -ing shove it in places you ought not to shove things into.

Or you do something criminal like illegal transactions, pimping or stalking?"

A smile stretched on 'A' 's lips.

"This will definitely be a greater love story than Romeo and Juliet."

"I have spent some time trying to understand the psychology of stalkers and this is what I found out."

B made a little compilation after spending a few minutes scribbling on a piece of paper.

Concerning stalkers:
Asylums and mental institutions ought to have isolation cells reserved for them.
Usually social awkward, all have a bone in their brains.
Have a severe lack of EQ, to the extent that any normal human interaction with them is not possible.
Lost in their own world and thoughts, without giving regard to his or her surroundings.
Persistent and annoyingly and creepily so.
May be in love.

The list went on a little more. The writer declines to elaborate further for the fear of being labelled as being someone against stalkers.

'A' skimmed through it and made a retort,

"Now, this discriminates against stalkers who are normal people like you and me! As a stalker myself, I feel offended! You will make amends by helping me decide how many emails I should send to be considered a convincing stalker."

'B' thought for a while then replied in his/her usual pseudo-analytical way,

"First, we have to take into consideration the number of phone messages one would usually send. Presuming that he or she is mentally sound.

Secondly, we have to understand that a lot of people can be classified as mentally sound, so we will need to have sub-categories as well And we must also look into how much phone messages each sub-category sends for a certain duration. And..."


"Sounds like a lot of work to me, 'B'. I was thinking of something of a number that has a deeper and a profound meaning, something spiritually uplifting and specific like someone's age or birth date, or something of religious significance." 'A' interjected.

"Well, 666!"

"That is too obvious!"

"660?"

"No, no. When I ask someone to give me an estimate, they will either say 650 or 600."

"650, then!"

"No, too much!"

"600 then!"

"Perfect!"

"600 phone messages sent in a period of how long?"

"I have heard that some dude two thousand years ago was raised from the dead 3 days after he died!"

"Ah! 3 days!"

"Yes, 'B'. 600 emails in 3 days. Now we can start another thread:"

[Help!] The Girl I Like Won't Respond to My Emails (´･ωï½¥`)

"Did you have to (´･ωï½¥`)-ing include (´･ωï½¥`)?"

The response:
"Yes, I (´･ωï½¥`)-ing have to."

"Now that we have decided on the title of our little act, we need to convince our audience that we are really stalkers." 'A' declared.

"So, are you are going to announce to our friendly community at the forums that you are a stalker? And don't say 'we', it's you." 'B' gave a rather cheeky reply.

"No 'B', we are going to convince our audience that we are stalkers by trying to convince them that we are not stalkers."

"Makes sense though it sounds like it doesn't make sense." 'B' nodded in reply. "But, I have you know that it takes more than self-denial to make a convincing stalker. And don't say 'we'. It's 'you'."

"That is why I have you 'B'. You are a valuable source of information to me. And more importantly you will make a fine guinea pig!"

"I BEG YOUR PARDON?!" B squawked.

"If you want to show that you are a stalker, you will have to be a stalker. And since you insist that you are not a stalker, I guess that this is an admission that you want to be stalked."

"That makes no se-" However, 'B' was interrupted.

"There are two types of people in this world! Those who stalk and those who do not stalk! You have made it clear that I belong to the former while you belong to the latter!"

'B' tried to protest, but was drowned out by 'A' 's rather sonorous voice.

"Since you deny being a stalker, you must be stalked or a person who is potentially being stalked! This is logic, is it not?! And if you do not cooperate with me, I will have you know that I know your address, I know your favourite haunts, I know your friends, I know your family and I know your phone number and I have the ability to send 600 emails within 72 hours!" 'A' appeared to be going into a state of frenzy.

Upon hearing this, 'B' paused for quite some time, looking rather flabbergasted at 'A' 's proposal, then most unexpectedly broke out into mirthful laughter.
"You have a most peculiar way of getting what you want 'A'! You also know how to make me eat my words! I will help you, I will help you! (Since whatever I do won't change matters for me)

'B' turned to a pile of handwritten notes and read the threads created so far.
" 'A', you do understand that you are playing a wimp, don't you? You can't be an aggressive stalker so this means that you have to be what I call a 'passive stalker'."

"Do continue."

The stalker is beginning to take form, no longer in its nascent state or a vague conception.