[Community Writing Project] 世界の闇 - Darkness of the World

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Yanker wrote...
Masayoshi wrote...
Yanker wrote...
You forgot to add Rosaehl to the writing team list


Oops yeah. Sorry about that. Been pretty busy, and now my 'best friend' decided I am 'not worthy' of her friendship. But, that's IB drama I'd advise steering clear.

Any suggestions while I'm still making edits to the prologue?


I wouldn't be too worried about it or what other people say of it, because after all this is just something done for fun. However, if you want a proper critique, I would say that you need to work on prose/expression overall.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly what to do, but I think the way you describe things and how they happen just does not flow very smoothly, nor does it sound nice to read aloud. There are better terms, better ways of putting things, that will make it read more like a proper story. It was a lot worse in the Shadowblaze Chronicles; that was just dreary walls of text one after another. You've managed to make it a lot clear and concise since then, but there is still much to improve on. To be honest, it reads like the type of stuff I wrote back when I was thirteen or so.

There is no quick fix for something like this, the only way is to read more, and more importantly, write more. I have written so much since I was that age (I'm nineteen now), and my writing is something that I built up over time. To be honest, I stopped reading everything but visual novels when I was sixteen, and now my writing is stuck in a vn/ln/young adult style. I've tried to write adult fiction, but it's blatantly obvious to my adult fiction reading friends that I haven't read enough to write it well.

If you want, and if I have time, then I wouldn't mind rewriting (some of) your prologue in my own style, just to show you a little of what I mean regarding prose and expression.

Like I said, don't think too much of this if you're just writing as a hobby or because you enjoy it. However, if you're serious and you hope to eventually get published... there's a long road ahead.

Also, I just read the world info part, and it's good. Pretty interesting mechanics and stuff, I'm excited to see them in action.

PS: I personally believe that Rosaehl is a better writer than I am, and I would get hyped for her stuff. The only thing is that she suffers from writers block/procrastination a lot of the time.

PPS: Stop looking down on yourself, everyone starts somewhere. I know this feeling all too well, I've started from the bottom in more things than writing. Don't get discouraged; rather, believe that you're capable and slowly work towards it.


Thanks for all this ^_^. Alright then, could I ask you a favor? I know it might not seem right, but I'd like to try and learn more from your writing style, so can you start off the prologue edits for us?

I'll pm you with details about it soon, and we can discuss what needs changing, too. it's also supposed to tie into the main story later, so...

And, if there are writers whose skills you value highly, even above yours, I'm very excited and can't wait to see Rosaehl's work. Chapter reservations will begin as soon as I finish chapter one, and I hope you and her will be among the first ^_^.
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SAD AND HAPPY UPDATES:

SAD UPDATE: Because of uni, I will be suspending the project for the time being. It's not ending, it's just being put off until the end of spring term.

HAPPY UPDATE: I have two jobs again, which means my financial security is back. I can actually do things now. As for University, I'll be attending Portland State University starting this spring, wish me luck! It's going to be tricky to work around my school schedule, but I'll pull through somehow, I always manage.
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leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
Drop me a message if you need my help. I too am bogged down with work. Will try to find time if you need me to contribute. I have a few ideas after going through the bio of our main character.
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======Current Team Member list======


@masayoshi (Project Management, Writing, Brainstorming, Planning)
@yanker-7487918 (Writing, Brainstorming, Planning)
@d-d (Positions pending)
@leonard267 (Brainstorming, other positions pending)
@rosaehl-6146139 (Writing, other positions pending)
@complete-horizon-4579257 (Management Assistance, Writing)

Please let me know if anyone is unable to participate or this list needs updating. Also, the opening post has been edited thoroughly, for this who are participating please read it.

Basically, the story restarts with this post, and anything before is not a part of it. Mainly because I forgot most of the plot I wrote up, and don't understand what I was thinking at the time anymore.

Also, we're not following a base plot anymore. Enjoy the chaos, everyone! Write to your hearts' contents, but at least re-read the opening post.
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Yanker I read hentai for plot
Care to start us off? The way it's sounding to me is that we pretty much write whatever plotline we want as long as it fits in the world and the storyline as a whole somehow, but I'm completely lost as to how to start things off.

Maybe this is Leonard's time to shine with an infodump prologue?
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Yanker wrote...
Care to start us off? The way it's sounding to me is that we pretty much write whatever plotline we want as long as it fits in the world and the storyline as a whole somehow, but I'm completely lost as to how to start things off.

Maybe this is Leonard's time to shine with an infodump prologue?


That's actually not a bad idea. I need to establish clearly what kind of world it is. Also, I will be writing this in the main post, but we're going to be writing in 3rd person past tense, because of the way this story will work.

I would have Leonard write it, as he's probably MUCH better at this than I am, but I do need to pull my own weight somehow, so I'll write the infodump prologue - please give me feedback on it so that I can improve ^_^.

Though, I should clear one thing up - there is no storyline, only events. I'm trying to give it a 'real world' kind of feel while still maintaining a fantasy setting. There will be schemes and plots, but no overall story, and where it ends will depend on the scale of events later on.
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leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
正義 wrote...
Yanker wrote...
Care to start us off? The way it's sounding to me is that we pretty much write whatever plotline we want as long as it fits in the world and the storyline as a whole somehow, but I'm completely lost as to how to start things off.

Maybe this is Leonard's time to shine with an infodump prologue?


That's actually not a bad idea. I need to establish clearly what kind of world it is. Also, I will be writing this in the main post, but we're going to be writing in 3rd person past tense, because of the way this story will work.

I would have Leonard write it, as he's probably MUCH better at this than I am, but I do need to pull my own weight somehow, so I'll write the infodump prologue - please give me feedback on it so that I can improve ^_^.

Though, I should clear one thing up - there is no storyline, only events. I'm trying to give it a 'real world' kind of feel while still maintaining a fantasy setting. There will be schemes and plots, but no overall story, and where it ends will depend on the scale of events later on.


This is my attempt at it obviously inspired from your prologue. Tell me if you have anything wrong with it.

The world of Undersky, where men manipulated the forces of nature not with the sweat from their brows but by through magic or as the inhabitants would say †˜channelling the power of the elements’, appeared to be at peace. Yet, that is all too often how things are before the land is plunged into the ravages of war, disease and other disasters of the making of the gods or men. There were no storm clouds to herald the misfortune that will befall much of Undersky, indeed it was a calm before the sudden storm.

The spark that lit the fires of war at the start of this tale was the theft of what is known as a Relic, objects that take many forms and are the source of magic for that contained the power of the Elements, the natural forces that make up and govern Undersky.

The ancient sages of Undersky’s long past who first mastered the way to invoke the magic locked within the Relics, fashioned some of them into beautifully crafted vials and trinkets. Some were left alone in their original forms as they thought they could better harness their power that way. And some were crafted in mysterious ways that were only so because they are forgotten with the passing of time.

The Relics are known by their nature or their †˜Element’ of which the people of Undersky came up with six – Fire, Wind, Water, Earth, Light and Shadow. It was said that they were many Relics scattered throughout the Undersky, but those contained great power that could tilt the balance of the powers of men and even that of nature numbered six. And so Undersky’s history was chequered with war and strife that resulted from the lords and kings and others who were sovereign over the beings of Undersky coveting these six Relics or the Six as they are known. Followed by these wars, plague and famine followed. Whether it was the work of man or of nature, none can say for sure.

Much of Undersky’s history is a seemingly unending cycle of war, disaster, recovery, prosperity and then war once more. It was not until six and sixty and six hundred years before the start of this tale when the Six were housed in six monasteries each belonging to six powerful nations each named after the Relic they protected – The Nation of Fire, The Nation of Wind, The Nation of Water, The Nation of Earth, The Nation of Light and The Nation of Shadow. This made for a balance of power that kept the peace of Undersky between the six nations and their vassals.

This tale begins at the Monastery of the Nation of Fire which is more an opulent monument to sate the pride of the rulers of the Nation of Fire rather than a place of safekeeping. Indeed, they were many men guarding the Monastery but yet numbers and walls are no safeguard against stealth, cunning, treachery and fear, all of which were employed by the thieves who inadvertently or otherwise lit the spark that engulfed Undersky in the flames of conflict.


(I sought inspiration from the original prologue you came up with. I intended you to continue with how the dark figures stole and then corrupted the Fire Relic. Or go into detail with how magic is utilised by narrating the events of what happened in the Monastery.)
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leonard267 wrote...
This is my attempt at it obviously inspired from your prologue. Tell me if you have anything wrong with it.

Spoiler:
The world of Undersky, where men manipulated the forces of nature not with the sweat from their brows but by through magic or as the inhabitants would say †˜channelling the power of the elements’, appeared to be at peace. Yet, that is all too often how things are before the land is plunged into the ravages of war, disease and other disasters of the making of the gods or men. There were no storm clouds to herald the misfortune that will befall much of Undersky, indeed it was a calm before the sudden impending storm.

The spark that lit the fires of war at the start of this tale was the theft of what is known as a Relic, objects that take many forms and are the source of magic for that contained the power of the Elements, the natural forces that make up and govern Undersky.

The ancient sages of Undersky’s long past who first mastered the way to invoke the magic locked within the Relics, fashioned some of them into beautifully crafted vials and trinkets. Some were left alone in their original forms as they thought they could better harness their power that way. And some were crafted in mysterious ways that were only so because they are forgotten in the passing of time.

The Relics are known by their nature or their †˜Element’ of which the people of Undersky came up with six – Fire, Wind, Water, Earth, Light and Shadow. It was said that they were many Relics scattered throughout the Undersky, but those contained great power that could tilt the balance of the powers of men and even that of nature numbered six. And so Undersky’s history was chequered with war and strife that resulted from the lords and kings and others who were sovereign over the beings of Undersky coveting these six Relics or the Six as they are known. Followed by these wars, plague and famine followed. Whether it was the work of man or of nature, none can say for sure.

Much of Undersky’s history is a cycle between war, disaster, recovery, prosperity and then war once more. It was not until six and sixty and six hundred years before the start of this tale where the Six were housed in six monasteries each belonging to six powerful nations each named after the Relic they protected – The Nation of Fire, The Nation of Wind, The Nation of Water, The Nation of Earth, The Nation of Light and The Nation of Shadow. This made for a balance of power that kept the peace of Undersky between the six nations and their vassals till the start of this tale.

The tale begins at the Monastery of the Nation of Fire which is an opulent monument to sate the pride of the rulers of the Nation of Fire rather than a place of safekeeping. Indeed, they were many men guarding the Monastery but yet numbers and walls are no safeguard against stealth, cunning and treachery and fear, all of which were employed by the thieves who inadvertently or otherwise lit the spark that engulfed Undersky in the flames of conflict.


(I sought inspiration from the original prologue you came up with. I intended you to continue with how the dark figures stole and then corrupted the Fire Relic. Or go into detail with how magic is utilised by narrating the events of what happened in the Monastery.)


Overall, the ways you explained the history of the world and established the setting were excellent. I have no complaints, so now I have to take the time to analyze and learn from it so that I can improve the quality of the prologue I'm writing.

There's a lot of things that divert from the original, but that's fine since I was planning to restart anyway. I mean, Yanker still did an awesome prologue, but I'm not using that storyline anymore, so it's a moot point.

I apologize for that if it's disappointing, but I lost the original files containing the plot map, so I don't have anything to work with on the previous story except my faulty memory.

So, I'll keep in mind the things you've shown me, and try to write a prologue that can at least be decently respectable, if not comparable.

It'll be finished by tomorrow evening at the latest, but will still need editing, so I'll post the draft when it's finished.
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正義 wrote...
======Current Team Member list======


@masayoshi (Project Management, Writing, Brainstorming, Planning)
@yanker-7487918 (Writing, Brainstorming, Planning)
@d-d (Positions pending)
@leonard267 (Brainstorming, other positions pending)
@rosaehl-6146139 (Writing, other positions pending)
@complete-horizon-4579257 (Management Assistance, Writing)

Please let me know if anyone is unable to participate or this list needs updating. Also, the opening post has been edited thoroughly, for this who are participating please read it.

Basically, the story restarts with this post, and anything before is not a part of it. Mainly because I forgot most of the plot I wrote up, and don't understand what I was thinking at the time anymore.

Also, we're not following a base plot anymore. Enjoy the chaos, everyone! Write to your hearts' contents, but at least re-read the opening post.


I'd love to join the project again, keep in touch! In the meantime, I'll work on my own story.

Also, since this is basically a spiritual successor to Shadowblaze chronicles, is it okay to re-use our characters (with alteration) from there? I would like to re-use a few.
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Complete Horizon wrote...
I'd love to join the project again, keep in touch! In the meantime, I'll work on my own story.

Also, since this is basically a spiritual successor to Shadowblaze chronicles, is it okay to re-use our characters (with alteration) from there? I would like to re-use a few.


Mhm, that's fine, just make sure to get permission from whoever created the character if they're not yours.

I'd prefer if you used new characters too, though, and gave them the spotlight ^_^.
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Less do dis shet. Yu kan cownt awn mii. Ai wheel bee shure too you's butter grammies een da storay.

Jokes aside, can I join this one too? Just saying, I'm still going to use a 'Shadowmancer' character, I have one like that set aside for every story. Plus, you said this is related to Shadowblaze so it shouldn't be a problem, right?
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JustGiveMeLove wrote...
Less do dis shet. Yu kan cownt awn mii. Ai wheel bee shure too you's butter grammies een da storay.

Jokes aside, can I join this one too? Just saying, I'm still going to use a 'Shadowmancer' character, I have one like that set aside for every story. Plus, you said this is related to Shadowblaze so it shouldn't be a problem, right?


Sure, I'll add you as soon as I update the list.

Well, I guess I'll let it slide, mostly because the Shadowmancer from before was such a mystery - I never figured out what you wanted him to be, anyway. Was that intentional or not?
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Add me next motherfucker. This'll be the story to pierce your hymen. This'll be the shit bro.
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Prologue - Shaky foundations:


Spoiler:
The world was an expansive, yet limited place. One could travel only so far until they reached the world's edges. To the south, waterfalls that fell into clouds, to the east and west, cliffs that seemed to have no bottom, and to the north, there were countless mountains, and no one has ever traversed them entirely.

One couldn't help but feel that some great force had trapped everyone in this world, yet people ignored these thoughts for the most part and lived their lives normally. Currently, an era of peace reigned, with occasional skirmishes between smaller nations. A massive empire, known as the 'Thorns Coalition' kept the peace between allied and non-allied nations, but maintained neutrality unless attacked themselves.

They were originally a group of smaller nations allied to one another, but tragedy befell their royal families and their entire national power structures were wiped out in a short period of time.

Thus, diplomats and senators gathered for a meeting to discuss who could succeed each of the nations, but no one had any solid ideas. They eventually agreed to place the Supreme General, a young woman who led their armies to victory countless times, to take the throne as a temporary measure.

Because of her military prowess, she had the approval of most soldiers, but many nobles and townspeople disapproved having a young woman take the throne instead of someone of royal lineage. Deserters began to appear, and some fled to other nations for asylum. Many turned into criminals and cutthroats, pillaging small towns and villages.

But, this was hardly the time for this - a dark power was at work as well, building forces behind the scenes. Demons, creatures of lore and legend, had supposedly once existed in this world. Certain people were trying to find ways to bring demons back so that they could use their power to take over the land, no matter what the cost...


Chapter One - A Chaotic Chance Encounter:


Spoiler:
"Yes... Yes! Everything is going according to plan..." Hissed a maniacal voice.

It was a dark, cold night, but many people were standing around a central water fountain, staring at it with blank stares. A man walked up to the scene slowly, tapping his cane as he approached. He was cloaked entirely in black and wore a jester's mask over his face. One-half of its expression was happy, and the other half was sad, with a black teardrop under the eye. His fingers were skinny and bony, and his fingernails were long and curved, like talons.

The cane he used had a human skull resting atop it, and he rested his bony hands upon that skull as he stood. The wood below seemed to be burnt, as it was the colour of charcoal. He coughed dryly beneath his mask and then tapped his cane on the ground as if signalling for attention. All of the people standing around the fountain turned to him, their expressions still blank and lifeless.

"Good, good! You're all very obedient. Now, I command you fools - burn this city to the ground! Kill anyone who tries to stop you!" hissed the cloaked man as he used his left hand to adjust his mask.

The cloaked man then slowly walked away, and chaos began to ensue. The sound of shattering windows, doors being broken, and objects thrown, filled the air of the once-silent night. He slipped into a dark alley, only to find a small child with a blank expression. An expression of utter despair.

"I didn't do anything to this one... What's wrong, boy?" He hissed. The boy barely acknowledged the man's presence, but let out a sigh that seemed like he was relieved. The boy had silver hair, not unlike the man's own, but velvet coloured eyes. The boy's skin was tanned, showing that he'd lived outside for a considerable time.

"I killed my parents." The boy confessed, crossing his arms and resting them on his knees, hiding his face.

The cloaked man chuckled a bit, and the boy's expression darkened into a glare. 'This boy may be useful to me', he thought, and so he waved his hand in front of the boy's face, placing him under a sleeping spell. He carried the boy with magic, levitating him as he walked through the dark alley. He approached a closed down shop at the end of the alley, which was boarded up.

He tapped his cane on the boards, which put a magic seal on them. He then tapped the seal, causing it to explode, breaking the boards and busting down the door. He entered, and then sealed the entrance and the windows with magic barriers. Afterwards, he used magic to change his appearance to something more... relatable.

He removed the cloak and his mask and shoved them into a bag, which seemed to be able to hold any amount of objects and still feel empty. He had shining silver hair, topaz coloured eyes, and pale skin as if he'd become a ghost himself. This was, of course, illusionary magic. It was the image of his youth, and he wasn't even a shadow of it now.

He released the sleep spell on the boy, and then the levitation spell immediately afterwards. The boy hit the ground with a thud, immediately waking up with a yelp.

"Who are you?" shouted the boy.

The man knelt down and nodded with a serious expression.

"Do you want to atone for your parents' murder?" the man asked.

The boy hesitated for a moment as if the question stabbed him in the chest, but his eyes, once blank and lifeless, seemed to spark with hope and determination again. The man knew this was his chance to strike, to earn the trust of this boy, and to eventually use him to accomplish his goals.

"My name is... hm... I guess you can call me Kanst. Kanst Avero." the man introduced himself, holding out his hand.

The boy nodded, and shook his hand.

"I'm... Shuusa. My family is dead, so I won't use their name." The boy replied.

Kanst grinned a little. He's been sending towns into chaos for many years and had yet to come across someone so young who's thrown away their family. This boy might have the potential to accomplish the task he'd wasted most of his life for and yet hasn't even begun.

Kanst signalled Shuusa to follow him and used his cane to tap the magic barriers, releasing them. He then placed his can into the magic bag he stored his cloak and mask in, and it disappeared without a trace. The bag was still flat and seemed empty. Shuusa decided not to look into this further for now but kept it in the back of his mind.

The back alley wasn't quiet or dark anymore - it had been lit ablaze, and there were townspeople brawling amongst one another. Kasnt took Shuusa's hand and pulled him, running as quickly as possible toward the main street. Someone threw a table, which would have struck Shuusa, but he ducked under it and kept running. Kanst saw this and released his hand.

"Can you keep up with me until we escape?" Kanst inquired, suggesting that he run ahead slightly.

"Yeah, let's go," Shuusa replied, not hesitating to run ahead.

Kanst sprinted to take the lead again and led Shuusa to the main street. They turned right and ran for the town's gates. The guards were in a frenzy trying to control the situation, but there were seven or so guards protecting the gate.

They noticed Kanst and Shuusa's dash and began lowering the gate. It was almost too late, Kanst couldn't look back to see if Shuusa was keeping up - he dashed and ducked under, and kept running in case the guards decided to try and apprehend him. He turned back for a split second, and Shuusa passed him.

"Colour me impressed, Shuusa... But, we're not out of the water yet - let's head east until we reach the forests. We'll camp there." Kanst directed, beginning to sprint again. Shuusa followed suit, and they made their way east. Shuusa wasn't sure what to make of the town's chaos and wasn't entirely sure that Kanst was uninvolved, but decided to take his chances for now.

There would be time for regrets later, and he had more important things to regret anyway, such as the death of his parents. His sister still lived after witnessing their murder, so he'd have to avoid meeting her at any costs. She didn't know the truth behind that incident, and even if he told her, she would never believe him, anyway.

Together with Kanst, Shuusa set up camp in an evergreen forest far east of the town they fled from but did not make a fire for warmth. Instead, Kanst set up a magical barrier around their camp, to repel the rain and any potential intruders or predators. It was relatively warm inside, as though the heat was being contained and regulated within the barrier. That night, Shuusa had many things on his mind, but still managed to drift to sleep as time passed...


I won't spoil anything for now, but one REALLY important thing to think about is the opening explanation of the prologue - the world is limited.

This is IMPORTANT. For later, of course.

Anyway, now we can start chapter reservations! I'll place a reservation list in the opening post, and if you wish to reserve a chapter, just make a new post in this thread asking for said chapter.

Just be sure to read the other posts that people made to reserve chapters, I'll only update the reservation list once per day, generally.
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Yanker I read hentai for plot
Chapter 2: The Darkness Within

Spoiler:
The world was a frothing, writhing, endless mass of black turmoil. The boy didn't know where he was, or even who he was. He couldn't tell if he couldn't see anything, or that there was simply nothing to see. However, he could hear.

There were screams, of a man and woman somewhere in the darkness. They sounded older than him and somewhat familiar, and brought a certain sensation of despair to his heart. Whatever had happened, he'd done something truly terrible to them. He just didn't know what.

"Shuusa."

It was a feminine voice, the voice of what sounded like a young girl. Who was she?

"Shuusa."

It was like a beacon in the darkness, something for him to latch onto to fight back the incoming shadows. The voice drove away the screams, the dread, the apprehension. The voice seemed familiar to him, moreso than the screams.

Who did that voice belong to?

"Shuusa..."

***


It was to this voice in his mind that Shuusa woke to, by the remains of a deceased campfire surrounded by the ever watchful, ever green trees.

Now conscious, he immediately knew whose screams those had been:

his parents'.

But why could he not remember the third voice, the voice of the one who'd saved him from the darkness?

"How was your rest?" a voice behind him rasped.

Shuusa almost jumped in surprise. In his daze, he'd almost completely forgotten that he had been travelling with a companion. Of course - that man, 'Kanst', the one with the diabolical voice who could cause an entire village to go mad with a single command - he had spared him, and taken him in.

"It was... not pleasant," Shuusa replied.

"I coud tell. You were crying out, saying 'I'm sorry' over and over again..."

Had he? He couldn't remember.

"My parents," Shuusa muttered. "I... I heard them in my dream."

"And?"

"They were... suffering. They were in pain. Kanst... I think I'm the one who caused them that pain."

Shuusa looked down, feeling a wave of torment wash over him. What had he done? They were never coming back. His parents, who had birthed him, who shared his blood. He had killed them with his own two hands. He couldn't remember the details very clearly - it was almost as if a demon had taken over him. As if he had been watching his own body from another realm perform the gruesome act.

"My boy... you've done nothing wrong." Kanst rested a gnarled hand upon Shuusa's silver locks. "In fact, I'm proud of you. I'm sure you had a reason for killing them - and the fact that they died to you means they're weaker. You are strong, Shuusa."

You will be a perfect tool for me, Kanst thought to himself. Of course, he didn't say that out loud.

"Where are we going?" the boy decided to ask. "Why did you unleash your wrath upon my town? I still know absolutely nothing of you..."

"All in due time," Kanst smirked. "For now, if you want to live, you will accompany me. Not that you have anywhere to go home to. To answer your question, we are heading to a place not far from here - the ruins of an ancient castle. There is something I seek there, and who knows - perhaps you will find the answers to your own questions."

Kanst stood up and stretched his thing frame. "Now what say we head off?"


To quote Shuusa: 'I still know absolutely nothing"
I don't really have much to work with. Leonard's prologue and Masayoshi's don't really seem to click, and I actually don't know how Shuusa killed his parents, why, what sort of people his parents were, what Kanst's purpose is, what role his SPOILERSPOILERSPOILER sister SPOILERSPOILERSPOIER has in everything, etc. I think trying to have a skeleton outline in a collab thing isn't really going to work, since every writer has a different version of events to tell in their mind.

With that said, I gave it a shot (not really my best, mainly because I was trying to keep it as open and vague as possible for whoever's after me.
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Yanker wrote...
Chapter 2: The Darkness Within

Spoiler:
The world was a frothing, writhing, endless mass of black turmoil. The boy didn't know where he was, or even who he was. He couldn't tell if he couldn't see anything, or that there was simply nothing to see. However, he could hear.

There were screams, of a man and woman somewhere in the darkness. They sounded older than him and somewhat familiar, and brought a certain sensation of despair to his heart. Whatever had happened, he'd done something truly terrible to them. He just didn't know what.

"Shuusa."

It was a feminine voice, the voice of what sounded like a young girl. Who was she?

"Shuusa."

It was like a beacon in the darkness, something for him to latch onto to fight back the incoming shadows. The voice drove away the screams, the dread, the apprehension. The voice seemed familiar to him, moreso than the screams.

Who did that voice belong to?

"Shuusa..."

***


It was to this voice in his mind that Shuusa woke to, by the remains of a deceased campfire surrounded by the ever watchful, ever green trees.

Now conscious, he immediately knew whose screams those had been:

his parents'.

But why could he not remember the third voice, the voice of the one who'd saved him from the darkness?

"How was your rest?" a voice behind him rasped.

Shuusa almost jumped in surprise. In his daze, he'd almost completely forgotten that he had been travelling with a companion. Of course - that man, 'Kanst', the one with the diabolical voice who could cause an entire village to go mad with a single command - he had spared him, and taken him in.

"It was... not pleasant," Shuusa replied.

"I coud tell. You were crying out, saying 'I'm sorry' over and over again..."

Had he? He couldn't remember.

"My parents," Shuusa muttered. "I... I heard them in my dream."

"And?"

"They were... suffering. They were in pain. Kanst... I think I'm the one who caused them that pain."

Shuusa looked down, feeling a wave of torment wash over him. What had he done? They were never coming back. His parents, who had birthed him, who shared his blood. He had killed them with his own two hands. He couldn't remember the details very clearly - it was almost as if a demon had taken over him. As if he had been watching his own body from another realm perform the gruesome act.

"My boy... you've done nothing wrong." Kanst rested a gnarled hand upon Shuusa's silver locks. "In fact, I'm proud of you. I'm sure you had a reason for killing them - and the fact that they died to you means they're weaker. You are strong, Shuusa."

You will be a perfect tool for me, Kanst thought to himself. Of course, he didn't say that out loud.

"Where are we going?" the boy decided to ask. "Why did you unleash your wrath upon my town? I still know absolutely nothing of you..."

"All in due time," Kanst smirked. "For now, if you want to live, you will accompany me. Not that you have anywhere to go home to. To answer your question, we are heading to a place not far from here - the ruins of an ancient castle. There is something I seek there, and who knows - perhaps you will find the answers to your own questions."

Kanst stood up and stretched his thing frame. "Now what say we head off?"


To quote Shuusa: 'I still know absolutely nothing"
I don't really have much to work with. Leonard's prologue and Masayoshi's don't really seem to click, and I actually don't know how Shuusa killed his parents, why, what sort of people his parents were, what Kanst's purpose is, what role his SPOILERSPOILERSPOILER sister SPOILERSPOILERSPOIER has in everything, etc. I think trying to have a skeleton outline in a collab thing isn't really going to work, since every writer has a different version of events to tell in their mind.

With that said, I gave it a shot (not really my best, mainly because I was trying to keep it as open and vague as possible for whoever's after me.


Ah, I should have told you this - I didn't end up using Leonard's prologue - that's why they don't click. The prologue is in the post for chapter one.

The prologue that Leonard wrote is for the original plot to the story before its reboot - and that plot was scrapped because I lost track of the files.

As for the chapter itself, it's not bad, but a few things jumped the gun - Shuusa only suspects that Kanst might be involved with the chaos that happened in that town, he didn't witness it and isn't sure whether or not Kanst was involved directly or not yet.

Shuusa's initial relationship with Kanst is supposed to be one of him being misguided by someone who's currently helping him to survive.

Also, the details of Shuusa's parents' murder was left vague on purpose because nothing is supposed to be revealed about that incident until later, as it's part of a much larger scheme.

Jumping the gun aside, you still made the chapter engaging and interesting despite its short length.

...

Rant time, it's not of dire importance after this but you may want to read it anyway, it'll be both motivational, and help you understand my feelings about your writing (hint: they're very positive ^_^):

...

I wish you could have taken more time and set up a chance to introduce at least one protagonist, maybe your own character... I wanted to orchestrate a meeting between them and Shuusa later on, which would result in Shuusa being given a message from his sister after being defeated by (Insert your character's name here)...

Meanwhile, Kanst is securing the means to take over a major city without causing too many casualties and keeping its economy afloat (yes, this is chapter 10's plot, it's rough still because I'm simultaneously still fleshing out the plot for chapter 5 - though the base plots of both are finished)... He runs into some trouble when Yuurei's (Shuusa's sister's) group alerts the soldiers in the city about Kanst's arrival in advance...

So yeah, I am kind of counting on your character sometime between chapter 3 and chapter 9, because of how important they will end up being to the plot later... Elgaraf turned out to be the most interesting and complex character of Shadowblaze Chronicles, so I know you're good at making interesting characters, and character development looks to be one of your specialties...

As for other great character's you've written, Bran from blood princess was amazing on many levels - not just his abilities, but his personality, backstory, internal conflict, interactions, relationships, and everything. I mean, to get right down to it, Dracula's abilities were more broken than his, but Dracula was pretty much just an evil asshole, trying to sustain his immortality and gain unlimited power by sacrificing his own flesh and blood descendants.

It makes sense, and he's still a good villain, definitely the kind of Dracula that needed to be destroyed. But, by far, the most interesting character in Blood Princess - to me at least - was Bran... Alice was a close second, though. I'd put Judith or Leo in third place, it's a toss-up to me because they both seem very important, but at different times. Judith wins out slightly in my humble opinion, because she's

Barry was kind of interesting too, even though he was only a supporting cast. Shizuka was very pivotal in ensuring that Bran's plan could be executed and he could face-off with Dracula and rescue Judith.

The other characters who interacted with him, and those closest to him, Judith, and Alice, were so inseparably important to the plot (less so for Judith, but still) that I can scarcely forget their seemingly normal, but important interactions. Everything fit together like an intricately-designed puzzle, and even the smallest of things seemed to end up as foreshadowing.

Basically, Blood Princess was one of your best works, and though not 100% perfect, was leagues and miles ahead of a lot of the works I've read on these forums, and I've read some damn good stories here. It was entertaining, well-paced, clear and descriptive, interactive, emotionally investive, action-packed, and so many other qualities I could go on for days... It was a golden egg, and if you were to have it published, I'm still pretty confident it could become a best-seller. I would be sure to buy one of your first copies ^_^.

...

Regardless, I can't wait to see what character you'll be doing, this time, around, and I'm saddened I didn't get to see it in this chapter, but patience is a virtue and I'm sure it'll be more than worth the wait. Your help is a boon, and I'll do my best to make sure to fill you in properly next time you write, so that you're not in the dark on so many things.

P.S. Still catching up on Diex Aie. Read chapter 2 today, I'm still catching up though. Sorry I didn't do that much reading, I was in bed for most of the day with a fever. I took the day off work because I'm pretty sick. So far, my only feedback is - There are some minor spelling errors throughout, I'll make sure to point them out in suggesting mode later. My name is James Petruska, I've already made a couple suggestions but not any since the prologue or chapter one. (minor things, like a double space and something that sounded off to me, but that's just an opinion and should be taken with a grain of salt - I'm not too sure yet on their personalities, either, since it feels like in changes a bit in different dialogues, or I might just be confused)

...

Whew, sorry, that was a mouthful. I'm gonna go to sleep for now, need the rest to recover from whatever I'm sick with.
1
Yanker I read hentai for plot
Hm... the reason I didn't create my own character was partly because I felt like during the last RP he took on a greater role than he was supposed to. The tale was meant to be about Masayoshi and everyone else being secondary, but somehow Elgaraf started his own little adventures which made him like a deuteragonist.

And you mentioned in the opening post before that it was supposed to be plotless and dynamic, so we can choose to take the story in whatever direction we wanted, but now you're reintroducing a 'plot' of some sort. I guess I got confused, because if I introduced my own character he would have his own story, backstory and motivations, which would most likely steer your determined plot off course.

I appreciate your thoughts on my writing, though I think the lengthy Blood Princess analysis deserves to be on that thread, rather than hijacking your own thread. Also, don't be in any hurry to read Diex Aie because it's undergoing a LOT of revision. So much that I could possibly restart it from the ground it several times.
1
Yanker wrote...
Hm... the reason I didn't create my own character was partly because I felt like during the last RP he took on a greater role than he was supposed to. The tale was meant to be about Masayoshi and everyone else being secondary, but somehow Elgaraf started his own little adventures which made him like a deuteragonist.

And you mentioned in the opening post before that it was supposed to be plotless and dynamic, so we can choose to take the story in whatever direction we wanted, but now you're reintroducing a 'plot' of some sort. I guess I got confused, because if I introduced my own character he would have his own story, backstory and motivations, which would most likely steer your determined plot off course.

I appreciate your thoughts on my writing, though I think the lengthy Blood Princess analysis deserves to be on that thread, rather than hijacking your own thread. Also, don't be in any hurry to read Diex Aie because it's undergoing a LOT of revision. So much that I could possibly restart it from the ground it several times.


Well, I guess I shouldn't have said 'plotless', but it's still going to be dynamic... mostly because I couldn't resist the urge to introduce a plot of some kind. It's not a 'predetermined plot', because the 'world' itself IS the plot. A lot of these chapters I'll start writing for on the spot, though there are a few exceptions for when I have plans, like chapters 5 and 10, currently.

So, feel free to introduce your own character, or not, either way, whatever you choose is fine, but if you did it would definitely be helpful...

Also, well, I'll slow down on Diex Aie then. Let me know when you're done revising it, I can't wait to start reading it again ^_^.
1
Can I reserve chapter 4?
1
Complete Horizon wrote...
Can I reserve chapter 4?


Sure thing, but since it's right before chapter 5 we need to talk about some things first. Skype is a good idea since we can save time and we've skyped before.
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