First chapters of my novel

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echoeagle3 Oppai Overlord
Hello everyone. I have been working on writing this novel for many years. I nearly completed it one time then I decided that it wasn't good enough and started rewriting it. I am on version 4 now. I try to have a lot going on in the story that way It could appeal to a wider audience. I would classify it as a fantasy/adventure/drama/comedy/romance. It is currently 75 pages long. I am always looking for feed back on the story. Please don't be afraid to comment on what you thought or send me a PM.

Spoiler:
Prologue
Energy crackled and the wind rushed as two people materialized out of nowhere. "Come on. We have to hurry." The man said to the woman. "I know, but I think it will be a while before he can track us here." The woman replies. The two of them begin running towards the massive walled city that loomed before them. "Why did you choose this place?" the man asks. "I have been watching them for a while now and I like how they are developing. I believe this would be a wonderful place for him to grow up." After what seemed like forever they finally entered the city. They continued forward to the palace at the center. Their knocks were answered by a man appearing to be in his late twenties, yet having the silver hair of an old man.

The woman holds out a small bundle "Please. Raise our child." She says with tears running down her face. The silver haired man is stunned he doesn't know what to do. He takes a step back, then the woman starts yelling hysterically "No! Don’t go! Please you have to raise him! He will die if he stays with us! And we don't have time to find anyone else!" The man who came with her embraces her and says "Elisis, you need to calm down. I understand how you feel, I never thought I would be giving away my only son. But getting hysterical like that won't help." The woman, Elisis looks up at the man and says "Taorin, I'm sorry, your right. I'm just so worried. What if we can't find anyone to raise him before he finds us. I won't let Amaranth touch my child."

The silver haired man, still standing there says "Alright. I think I understand your predicament. To be honest when I was married I was looking forward to having a child. Unfortunately, things ended badly between my ex wife and I. So I was left without a child to raise." He holds and his arms and with great conviction says, "My name is Acturus, Next in line to be Lord of The Sanctuary, And I would be honored to adopt your son." Elisis's eyes lit up like a shining star. "You will? Really?" She starts to cry again. "Thank you! Thank you so much!" after handing the child to Taorin she hugs Acturus. He was taken aback at first but then realized she was just overjoyed. "You really love your child, don't you?" He says. Taorin replies. "We do, Which is precisely why I have one more thing I would ask of you."

He hesitates as if he doesn't want to say what he knows he must. "Don't tell him about us. If he learned what happened here he would only try to find us. Nothing but death can come from searching for us." Taorin was trying to hold back his own tears. "Raise him well." He says "So that he grows into a good man, one with a kind heart." Taorin gives Acturus the child and turns away. There is a moment of silence before Taorin speaks again. "Elisis. We had better go. We have to lead Amaranth away from here. To make sure he never finds out about our son." Even though she had stopped crying, She somehow looked infinitely more sad without the tears. "Yeah, I know." she says. The two of them stand together ready to leave when Acturus says "Wait. What's his name?" Elisis looks at him and smiles "Tanis" she says. Then with a flash of light they were gone.

Chapter 1

"Jeez, Acturus. Can't I take a break once in a while. Why do I always got to be studying. I must have learned ten times as much stuff as the rest of guys my age." The man with the long silver hair shrugs and says "Sorry Tanis, can't do that. You are going to learn lots, for a stupid man can never become a true man. Besides I have to raise you to become the most well rounded individual I can. That won't happen if you slack off in your studies." "But isn't it true that its a woman that defines the man. If you want me to be well rounded, why don't you teach me how to get girls? I would love to learn that! Ah I can see it now, All of the beautiful maidens of The Sanctuary gathered around me saying things like, ooh Tanis your soooo handsome and Tanis please kiss me."

"Damit Tanis! Stop daydreaming!" Acturus decided to yell in his ear. After being so rudely awakened from his fantasy world Tanis starts to pout. "Don't act childish Tanis." Acturus starts lecturing "I've told you a million times that in order for me to name you my heir you have to accept an arranged marriage. Your 16 now, its time for you to start accepting the realities of the world." getting aggravated Tanis says "Well if I'm old enough to accept the reality then why don't you tell me about my parents?" Acturus gets this sad look and his face quietly says "You know I can't tell you." "Why do you always get that sad look when I mention them? What happened!" "Stop it! Stop asking questions Tanis! Now go get ready for combat training. “Furious, Tanis storms off. Acturus sighs and says to himself "I would never break their request and tell him, but I wander how much longer he will let it go on like this. I worry that he might do something foolish. The wedding is soon though, hopefully that will take his mind off of it"

After his training was done for the day Tanis decided to go for a walk around The Sanctuary. This massive castle city that they call The Sanctuary. It was called such a name because even though there were people who lived out side it was a chaotic land, with no clear source of government. Tanis was lucky that as of right now no one knew who he was, for Acturus had yet to announce his succession. This meant that he could take these strolls by himself with out a mob of people surrounding him. Even though the fate of his parents did worry him, What he was trying to think about right now was his marriage and succession ceremony. The two of them both taking place next week. Sitting down under a tree in the park, he sighs. “An arraigned marriage huh?” he says to himself.

What really bothered him about the idea is that he has not even met her yet. The very first time he will meet the girl is when she walks towards the wedding altar. “Does that seem fair to you?” he thought. “Marrying a girl that you have never even met. What if we don’t like each other?” Who knows maybe they will get along? He would certainly try to be friends with her, and if they are married doesn’t that mean that they would……. Tanis stared blushing, “wow, I could sleep in the same bed as a girl. We could do all sorts of things.” Tanis ended up spending the rest of the day fantasizing about married life.

After several dull days the time had finally arrived. This morning was the morning of the wedding. There were many servants that came into his room with all types of outfits for him to try on. After putting on each one he looked in the mirror. He generally did not like looking in the mirror, because he had always considered himself to be pretty ugly. Each time the mirror showed him the same image. Short brown hair and brown eyes, someone who was not tall, but not short, not fat, but not skinny, and even though he does physical training every day the image in the mirror was not someone who was very muscular. Average was the word, disgustingly average. Tanis sighs as the servants brought the next outfit.

It did not occur to him until his clothes were all picked out and he was ready to go, that maybe the girl would think of him as ugly. Maybe she would be repulsed by him and not want to have anything to do with him. Hell she probably hates the idea of having an arranged marriage. I don’t know who forced her into it, but I can bet she will not be happy. He sat on his bed worrying for so long that Acturus came to check up on him. “Are you alright?” his mentor asks. Tanis forces himself to smile and answers “Yah, I’m fine. Is it time to go yet?” Acturus nodded, and then they both stood up ready to head for the wedding.

Tanis wasn’t the only one who was worried. Acturus also was nervous about how the newly weds would get along. This wedding was the talk of The Sanctuary. It would be disastrous if “The Couple” couldn’t stand each other. Security was everywhere but that still didn’t hold back the enormous tide of people that had come. Even here in the Grand Courtyard, the largest open area in The Sanctuary the people still packed it full. Acturus and Tanis waded through the sea of well wishers to get to the center of the courtyard. Luckily this area was clear of any occupants. Only personal friends and family of the bride or of Acturus were allowed here. For a fleeting instant Tanis thought his parents would be here, but he knew they wouldn’t. Here he was 16 years old and already getting married, and he had yet to meet his own parents.

The decorations had been finished, the band was in place, the man who ran the wedding was here, everything was ready to begin. There were three black marble pieces among the sea of white marble. They were arranged in a triangle formation. It was these pieces that would be the focus of today’s event. The man running the wedding took the top tile and motioned for Tanis to take the one at his right. It wasn’t until he stood on the black square that Tanis remembered that weddings were very long and dull events, this was not going to be fun. He tried to cheer himself up by thinking about the girl. He was finally going to meet the girl he had heard about for so long. “Oh yeah”, he thought as he remembered another aspect of weddings. “At the end of the wedding you kiss the bride right? This is going to be awesome, I’m going to kiss a girl! Maybe I’ll get to feel her up too. And then when would go back to the palace and we go to bed, oooh I can hardly contain my excitement.”

Acturus sat in one of the few chairs put out for the ceremony. While everyone was waiting on the bride people watched the groom. Tanis looked happy, but this was bothering Acturus. It was obvious that on the way here Tanis was very nervous about the wedding. How did he all of a sudden get so excited about it? Acturus knew why. Tanis was a teenager, 16 years old. Acturus wasn’t too old to remember what he was like as a teenager. Tanis was up there undoubtedly thinking all kinds of perverted thoughts. Acturus had never taught Tanis about how to act around girls. His own faulty history with women didn’t give him any useful advice to tell Tanis, so why try? But one thing Acturus knew is that you don’t just force your self on a girl, even on one your married to. You have to let them make the first move. He didn’t think Tanis understood this.

The band received a signal that obviously meant start playing. After hearing the music everyone turned to see the bride walking to the center in her wonderful white dress. You know how on clear nights you can see a stars shining so brightly it looks as if you can reach out and touch them. That’s what Tanis saw. He saw a girl that looked like she had been plucked from the night sky. She actually seemed to glow and shimmer like a star. Tanis was in complete awe, awe of not only the cutest girl he had ever seen, but the cutest girl he had ever imagined. Her long red hair swayed slightly in the gentle breeze. Her emerald eyes were more beautiful then the greenest gardens. A few freckles sparsely dotted her perfect peach skin, and before he knew it she was standing before him. The band stopped playing and the man in the center began speaking. Tanis did not even hear the man he was wrapped in the kind smile of a goddess. She emitted such warmth, such caring, Tanis thought he might cry.

Then he realized it. He was just thinking all kinds of dirty thoughts. He felt so ashamed now. There was no way he could ever do anything like that with her. It wasn’t because she was ugly, not at all. In fact it was the exact opposite. It was because she was literally too beautiful. This girl who stood here and just shined with a radiance of purity, to do anything to her would be like strangling a little kitten, or any sort of terrible evil thing. Acturus, sitting in the front row noticed Tanis’s change in expression. He was kind of surprised to see Tanis looking stunned, like he had just saw The Creator. What was going through his mind? What had caused this sudden change in him? No matter how much he thought about it, Acturus could not figure out what had happened.

Tanis was completely in another world, the world inside of her eyes. He just stared into those deep eyes and lost himself. He remained like that until he felt someone shake him. “Are you ok?” a voice said in a quiet serious tone. Tanis blinked several times and turned his head to the side. It was Acturus. Tanis answers “Oh… ya, I’m fine” apparently Tanis missed the part where they say I do. So Acturus had to check on him. Tanis regained his composure and easily said I do to the girl who was but a stranger. It was the next part that became a problem for him. "You may now kiss the bride." the priest said. Everyone looked at Tanis expectantly, waiting. Even the lovely angel before him had the same look. The look that said "I'm ready and waiting." Tanis thought "Oh no. I... I can't do this." After a few seconds of hesitation the priest repeated himself, "You may now kiss the bride."

Tanis's inner monologue continues "This girl is way too good for me. There is no way I could kiss her. But all these people are staring at me expecting me to do it." It has now been over a minute since the priest first said what he repeated yet again. "You may now kiss the bride." "This is becoming a huge problem. People are starting to shout. What am I going to do? I could just kiss her, but every bone in my body tells me not to." Tanis is sweating profusely and grinding his teeth. The crowd was growing more and more restless shouting things like "What's the matter with this kid!" and "Does he not like women? Maybe he prefers men?" Now Tanis was at the breaking point. "Oh no no no! This is horrible! Now everyone is going to think I'm some creep that likes boys and not girls. That's so gross! Aaarrgh! What do I do?" "Tanis!" Acturus yelled while jumping up from his chair. He was clearly agitated. "What is wrong! We came all the way here to see this wedding carried out and now you are holding it up! I don't know and I don't care what the reason is that you are so hesitant! What ever it is forget about it and just kiss the girl!" At that moment all of Tanis's pent up anxiety, fear and paranoia burst out of him as he shouts at the top of his lungs "I JUST CAN'T!!!" Only blackness followed.

Tanis wakes up in his bed and breathes a sigh of relief. "I must have fallen asleep. That was a pretty awful dream. I don't know what I would have done if that's actually how the wedding goes." Tanis rolls over to try and go back to sleep. "Oh thank goodness your awake!" Tanis was so stunned that he didn't move. Not stunned by the words, but by the voice. It was the voice of a young girl. Tanis thought, "What's going on? Girls aren't allowed in my bedroom. Why would there be one here now, unless." Tanis gets up as quickly as possible and then almost falls back down when he sees her. He thinks "Oh no. It's her. Its that radiantly beautiful girl that drove me completely insane! This means that it wasn't a dream. This means that I." "You fainted at the ceremony." She says finishing his thought.

"Oh! pardon me, I never introduced my self." The girl says. "My name is Katrina. As your wife I am here to make sure you have a happy and healthy life. As such I am ready to tend to your every need. Just ask and I shall happily comply." She smiles this great big beautiful smile. This only worsens Tanis's mental state. "Shit!" he thinks to himself. "Now she is here telling me she will do what ever I want and I can't even bring myself to kiss her. What kind of cruel irony is this? Wait, If I pay attention then. This is so strange, She couldn't be a Chosen could she? She seems to be emitting this light. This light of purity that seems to destroy dark emotions around her." Tanis had learn much about the Chosen. The people of this world that have special powers. All of their powers differ from person to person, but one thing is sure, Chosen are a rare breed. Tanis had managed to calm himself so he decides to ask her. "Are you a Chosen?"

The girl was a little taken aback "Uh, well, yes. How did you know?" He answers "I didn't realize it at the wedding. I didn't see it until just now. You have a powerful aura around you, one of light and purity. Surely anyone with dark intentions would feel its effects if they stood in your presence. I felt it pretty hard myself. That must have been why I passed out at the ceremony." She stood there shocked for a second but then smiled. "You're a very smart man. I'm glad I got someone like you as my husband. I'm sorry about my aura. It must be because I was so happy to finally meet my husband so my happiness was leaking out uncontained. You must still be feeling pretty overwhelmed by all that has happened today. Maybe I should make some tea, or if there is something else you would like I can do that instead." Tanis didn't really know how to talk to this girl. He didn't know how to talk to any girl. So he was really nervous, He could not figure out what he should say. "You seem to be pretty nervous." she says as if she could read his mind. "I'm guessing that you have never had any good amount of interaction with girls huh?" Still unable to put together intelligent sentences Tanis simply nods his head in agreement. Katrina looks almost sad as she says "It's kind of strange to me, that you haven't had any experience with this sort of thing.

You see my family runs a very unique business. My great grand parents devolved a widely known and appreciated name for our family. Everyone knew our family name, so my great grand parents decided to use this to start our family business. They raised their children to be suited for only one thing. How to be a good wife or husband. The children who learn the ins and outs of married life are then married off to the rich and famous people of the world. Now not just anyone can do this, but since our family was already well respected throughout the world the proposed marriages were taken seriously by the other side. Then once they see all the skills we have learned it is a certainty that our family will secure the marriage, thus adding to our fame and fortune. Today we are actually sought out by important people that don't have time to find a spouse the way the rest of the world does. That is how I was brought to you. I was trained just as my parents and my grandparents were. It was actually kind of lucky that your mentor Acturus sought us out when he did. I remember it clearly."

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A loud knock brings the house servant to the door. She opens it and sees a handsome well dressed man with his long silver hair pulled back into a pony tail. "Is this the Aigana family home?" The man asks. The servant answers "Yes it is. I shall summon my mistress for you." A few minutes later a middle aged woman in a rather extravagant dress appears. "I am Ashley Aigana, I am currently in charge of all our family's business." The man begins to introduce himself when she stops him. "You don't need to introduce yourself. I know who you are." She bows "It is a pleasure to meet you in person Lord Acturus." She leads him to a sitting room and tells the servant to bring some tea. Ashley speaks "I hope you will forgive me. You see I am a very straight forward and to the point woman. I have been wondering if you would show up here for quite some time. After that horrible tragedy with you first wife I understand your reason for seeking us out." Acturus tries to say something but she continues with out stopping. "However the truth of the matter is that there are none of the family open for marriage. My sisters and I already have husbands, The two of them have sons but not daughters, and as for my own daughter I would certainly hope a 13 year old would be to young for a man like you."

Acturus chuckles, "Then I guess its a good thing I didn't come here for myself. In fact from what you told me this is going to work out perfectly." Ashley leans back in her chair in and looks very intrigued. "Is that so?" she says "Do tell." Acturus begins to explain "You see because of the afore mentioned tragedy, The Sanctuary council will not allow me to appoint an heir unless a spouse has already been selected for them. I have an adopted son who I intend to appoint heir. The reason why I said this will work out perfectly is because he is 13 years old." Ashley seemed overjoyed "Thank The Creator! I do hope you will excuse my excitement, I have been searching for a future husband for Katrina and I have been unable to find any suitable candidates. I was worried that she would pass marriable age and become useless to us. I did not know you had an adopted son. This is truly a happy occasion, for both of us." She stands up and says "Would you like to meet her?"

Acturus gets up and begins to follow her, however he kept thinking about what she said. "She would become useless to them? What does that mean? Would she really disown her own daughter because of that? These people seem quite cruel. I wish I had another option." They arrive at their destination to see a very cute little girl. "Mother." The girl says as she bows. "I finished the chores you gave me. Does everything look good?" The girl's chore was apparently to clean the room as Ashley was looking for any sign of dirt. Finishing her inspection Ashley pats the girl on the head saying "Good job Katrina, now go put up the supplies then come right back here ok?" The girl shows this pure innocent smile and says "Sure thing mother."

The girl runs off and Ashley says "Isn't she wonderful. Not only is she naturally skilled at all kinds of tasks, she's very cute as well. I have no doubt she will grow up to be quite the beauty. This is why it would have been such a waste for her to go with out a husband." The girl returns, walks up to Acturus and says "It's nice to meet you my name is Katrina, What's yours?" The regal man kneels down to answer "My name is Acturus. It's nice to meet you" "You've come to get a wife haven't you? But I'm afraid we don't have any right now. That's too bad Mr. Acturus" He smiles then says "Nope, It's not too bad." She gives a puzzled look "Why is that Mr. Acturus?" "Because I'm not here to find a wife for myself. No I'm here to find one for my son, and you want to know what. I pretty sure already found one I think he'll like." She gets this surprised look on her face and raises her voice. "Who! I didn't know anyone was ready to be a wife. Mom! Did you not tell me about someone? That's mean Mom!"

Both of the adults let out a giggle at her cluelessness. "Yes I think she will be a wonderful wife for him." Acturus says still knelt down in front of Katrina. She starts looking around as if to see if he could be talking to someone else standing behind her. Then the idea dawns on her, the young girl's face looks as if she just saw something impossible. The words slip out of her mouth "You can't mean, me?" Ashley answers after Acturus stands up. "That's right Katrina. You don't have to worry about your future anymore. You have a husband waiting for you." The girl squeals in delight and runs to hug her mother. Acturus still finds all of this very weird. He thinks "She must be very mature if she has been worrying about her future while still a child, before even coming of age. And why is she so excited to have an arranged marriage waiting for her. Is this really all this girl aspires too? How sad."

"I have to go tell everyone the good news!" with her eyes all lit up with joy she runs off to spread the word. With the little one gone Ashley says "I can tell your worried about something." "You can?" was Acturus's questioning response. "It's part of a wife's job to be able to read some of what her husband is feeling. Even without him saying a word." This family continues to surprise him, "Wow" he says, "You really take being a wife seriously don't you?" "We have to. If we didn't no one would want to spend the rest of their lives with us. So far we have not had a single divorce out of all the marriages we have arranged. Now why don't you tell me what is bothering you. I assure you I am a good listener" This whole family was eating at Acturus so he says sarcastically and almost angry "I'm sure you are. That must be a good trait for a wife to have right?"

She picks up on the tone of his voice and replies "Ah so that's what it is. Believe it or not we have actually had another man who came here and thought the same as you do. You think that it is a horrible fate for all who are born of this family. You think that we force our children into becoming a spouse and crushing all of their hopes and dreams along the way. You think we are brainwashed and in turn brain wash our children. You think its akin to slavery. I am correct, no?" Acturus stays quiet, but since he did not protest that gives her the answer. Ashley begins to lecture him "Let me tell you something. Most people only have an inkling of what it is like for a girl trying to make her way in the world. But for you in particular, You wouldn't even have a clue what young women with no money have to go through in order to secure livable conditions.

A girl trying to find work on her own is a very tough game and she usually ends up in some disreputable establishment like a brothel. Getting married to a well off man has always been the way women are able to go on living in this cruel world. Our family just happens to realize that more than others. And if you think that any of my relatives were married of to some complete scoundrel then I can tell you that that is absolutely not true. We have had many, very many, who came to us seeking marriage but were turned away because of their poor character. We allow our kin to marry only the finest spouses, both in the money and personality aspects. Despite the fact that we have never met I know a lot about you as we scouted you for marriage a few years ago. I know you are a man of strict morals and sound character, so I know you wouldn't adopt just any boy as your son. That is why I have already accepted the marriage to Katrina." She takes a deep breath after the heated explanation. "Does that sum everything up for you?" She finishes.
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"Uh... Miss Katrina?" Tanis says to the day dreaming girl. Returning to the present time Katrina apologizes "Oh I'm sorry. Just reminiscing about the past." Tanis, who is still uneasy says "So what do we do now? I really don't feel like going out to face everybody yet. Not after I did a thing like faint at the ceremony." Katrina nods her head with certainty "Alright! Then we'll stay in tonight. This will be the perfect opportunity to get to know each other. Which will be helpful since we are going to be living together from now on." Living together? The words struck Tanis like a brick wall, "Oh that's right" he thought "married couples always live together. I forgot. Wait a second"

He looked around his room to see things were a little different than it was yesterday. His bedroom had always been quite large. As large as one would expect of a Lord's son. In fact he had always found the room too big. He didn't even use almost half of it. But now as he looked around he saw all of that unused space now being put to use. Different chests and dressers took it the area, there was even a desk with a mirror that had all kinds of different containers and brushes with powders and paints and is this supposed to be an art studio? It must have been obvious that Tanis was confused be the desk he stood in front of, because Katrina said "I hope that's not in the way, That desk is for all of my makeup." she wags her finger and talks with a pompous and knowing voice, obviously imitating someone "Now Katrina you must always remember that one of the biggest rules of being a wife is that you always have to look your best for your husband. You want him to come home to a pretty face so it can help relive some of the stress of his day. That is why makeup is a must have."

She giggles then says in her regular voice "That's what my Mom always told me." Tanis couldn't help but smile at her over exaggerated impersonation. "Ha! Caught you!" Katrina shouts and points at Tanis. Tanis is actually kind of frightened, "What did I do? I'm sorry If I touched any of your stuff." She shakes her head and says "No silly, you smiled. I haven't seen you smile once since we met. But now I caught you, showing proof that you know how to smile. And since you know how I expect to see that smile more often. You got it?" "What an interesting girl" Tanis thought "She is commanding me to smile more?" Still thinking he moves over to his walk in closet and opens the door. He finds that it is now longer walk in. Because it is stuffed with vast amounts of girls clothes. Katrina loudly apologizes "I am so sorry about that. You see I had so many clothes and no where to put them. Acturus said that I can just take this closet and so your clothes were moved over to that smaller closet on the other side.

"Damit Acturus" he thought "I'm going to get you for this." It wasn't until now that he realized that the bed was different as well, it was bigger. Obviously a bed for two people instead of just one. "Sorry if it seems that I have taken over your room." she says. "What can I do to make it up to you?" "No, its alright, don't worry about it." Katrina starts to look sort of embarrassed, she is clearly blushing and fidgeting. "Umm...Tanis?" she asks sheepishly. Yet another side of this girl, she really is something else. "What is it?" "Well, you see I was wondering if. Because my Mom always talked about it and I have never gotten to try it. I was thinking that maybe we could." And then she stops. "Arrrgh!" Tanis thought "What kind of a person talks in incomplete sentences! I have no idea what she's saying!" Making sure to remain calm, he says "I'm not sure I understand, do you think you could be more clear?"

She turns her back probably to hide her additional blushing. "I know I'm not expressing myself very clear. I guess its just because I'm really embarrassed. I mean I have never shown my body to a man before." After hearing that all kinds of thoughts rushed through Tanis's head. It was clear now what kind of things she was talking about. He decides to ask "I always thought girls didn't like doing that?" "I wouldn't know. Because I have never done it. I heard its supposed to hurt but then I heard that its wonderful afterwards. My Mom says this is another one of the key duties of a wife. One that is actually very enjoyable." She turns back around to face Tanis "Sorry for being so bold, I have just heard so much about it that I was really anxious to see what it was like. But of course if you don't want to I want mention it again."

"No." He blurts out. Couldn't have his wife not at all interested in sex. "That's not it. Its not that I don't want to, Its just that I feel like we are still strangers, It would just seem odd. I have known a lot of men who are only interested in getting women into bed, But I'm not like that. I don't want to go around sleeping with random girls, I have a lot more respect for people than that." Katrina's face lit up she smiled a pure beautiful smile and she almost leaped to embrace Tanis. This of course caught Tanis by surprise. A girl is hugging me. He thought. She feels so warm, I can see why everyone enjoys this. Her voice was slightly cracked that it was almost like she was about to cry "I am so very glad a wonderful, good man like you is my husband, Tanis."

Chapter 2

The edge of the cliff that Oran Morou sits at does not scare him. It does not scare him because he is facing something much more frightening. He can not remember who he is or why he's here. He takes a look at himself to see he is a fairly skinny fellow. He is clean shaven and his hair is short enough for him to be un able to tell its color. "I am obviously someone who is at least 20 years old. What did I do all those years?" He says to the empty air. After trying to come up with something for the longest time, he realizes that he can't come up with anything just sitting here. Familiar places will help, maybe he will meet some one he knew. He stands up and takes a step when,

"Aaaack!" He is instantly forced back down to his knees. "My arm. What's wrong with my arm?" He has started sweating profusely and clutching his arm. He looks down to see it pulsating. Then the pain seems to subside. "What was that? Am I injured?" He was still looking at his arm, so when it happened he saw it. A massive bulge of black flesh erupted from underneath his own skin. He did not see anything else as he almost immediately passed out from the excruciating pain. The last thing he realized was the black flesh spreading like it had a mind of its own. Like it wanted to consume him whole.
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You could hear the air slice as his fists cut through it. Many in his family have said that his fists carry power greater than any before him. Today was the day when he would finally start his journey to prove it. "Jeriah! would you hurry up already. You don't want to be late for your first day." The man stopped his fist at his fathers calling. "I know father. I'm coming." He calls back. At last, I will begin the job I was meant for. Jeriah donned his metal headband, that had a emerald in the center symbolizing his family. He put on his vest and looked in the mirror to make sure it was straight. He took a moment to look at himself.

His dark brown hair grew past his ears and was now held back from his eyes by his headband. The dark colored vest he wore was the only thing covering his chest, He was not big on fashion so he only wore practical pants and shoes. His large muscular arms were left exposed. He worked hard to gain this level of physique, many women sought him because of it. But that was not why he worked so hard, He did it because he believed this was the best way to be ready to carry out his duty. He put on his fingerless gloves that had metal knuckles and decided he was ready to go.

After meeting up with his father the man says "Jeriah, I know you are eager to prove yourself, but don't attract unnecessary problems. Let trouble find you, don't go looking for it." "I understand. Now I shall take my leave." Jeriah walks out the front door of the modest house, excited to report to his post. He begins walking down the main street towards the palace we he hears a man shouting "You stupid boy! How utterly foolish of you to leave the palace without any type of bodyguard. Now I think me and my boys here will have to take you hostage for ransom." Another voice says "What about the girl boss? She looks tasty. Just thinking about what I could do with her really excites me!" The girl made an audible noise of fear. Jeriah was getting closer to the voices This seems pretty bad. I should probably help them. But if I do I might be late reporting in.

Jeriah gets close enough to see what is going on. Three armed men were circled around two teenagers. Both of the teens seem to be very well dressed. They must be some kind of nobility. The young man actually appeared to be quite plain in features, nothing really stood out about him. The girl was actually very cute, someone who he was sure these bandits would ravish quite harshly. Both of them looked quite scared. The inner battle in Jeriah's head was driving him mad. On the one hand he had his good hearted nature that wanted to rescue them. But on the other hand he had his strict adherence to his sworn duty. If he did not arrive on time It would look poorly on him and could ruin his whole relationship with his new employer. In the end he decides he is going to help them, other wise it would just weigh on his conscience forever.

Jeriah, undetected, walks up behind the first man and easily snaps his neck, leaving the man dead before he hit the ground. Many would say that this situation does not call for that level of violence. But Jeriah was always taught and always believed that you should never "go easy" on an enemy. They surely seek to kill you, so you would be wise not to underestimate them and should seek the same. The other two realized what he had done and cried "Boss!" One of them readied his sword and charged at his boss's murderer. From the first swing Jeriah could tell this man was a complete amateur. He didn't know the first thing about combat. Let alone anything about swordsmanship. Jeriah could have dodged his careless attacks with his eyes closed.

After avoiding a few of his awkward slashes Jeriah decided it was time to end this. He sidestepped one more attack and then rammed his fist into his opponents stomach. The impact was loud and a burst of air was visible from the attack. The man coughed up blood and fell to the ground, unconcious. The last of the would be kidnappers dropped his weapon and ran away as fast as he could. "Thank you!" Jeriah heard the girl call to him. "I don't know what we would have done if you hadn't come to our rescue." Jeriah says "Don't worry about it. Now if you don't mind I have an important appointment at the palace that I must hurry to." The boy has remained quiet this whole time but now speaks up. "We are from the palace, what appointment do you have there? I certainly hope its not a problem to tell us."

Jeriah sighs then says "If you must know I am going to be working for Lord Acturus's adopted son and his wife. I'm going to be their bodyguard." The boy seems to be somewhat surprised by this, but the girl becomes extremely excited. "How wonderful!" she exclaims "This is so perfect it's like I'm reading it in a book." The boy continued his surprised look and now Jeriah had a puzzled one. "May I ask what you mean?" He inquires. The girl puts her hand on the boy next to her and proclaims "This is Tanis, Lord Acturus's adopted son." She now pulls her hand to her chest "And I am his wife Katrina."
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Ah, this one finally has eyes to see the world. But perhaps this is not the first time. This one has some recollection of seeing a world before. However that matters not. All that matters is this one's new life. There is an energy, this one can feel it. It is a pure shining light, full of warmth. This one hates that energy. It stabs at this one's mind over and over causing this one great pain. This one must destroy that energy. The man, covered up by a cloak, stands up from his cliffside perch, and begins walking.

The light. The light is always there. Shining, taunting this one. This one must crush the light. "Hey pal! Where your going!" The cloaked man did not realize that he had walked for quite some time and was now walking in busy travelers path. "Aren't you going to apologize for bumping into me?" The ruffian grabs the cloaked man in anger. "You are not the light this one seeks. Unhand this one." The ruffian questions "Are you nuts or something? What on earth are you saying?" The cloaked man, ever calm, says in a snake like voice. "You are preventing this one's journey. Let go or die." The ruffian does let go but immediately after strikes with a knife.

His attack lands in the left shoulder of the cloaked man. Small black tendrils shoot out of his wound holding the knife. The ruffian is terrified, "Monster!" He turns and starts running. The tiny tentacles throw the knife and it lands in the back of the fleeing mans head. The cloaked man, uninjured, sighs. "This one wonders how many others will stand in this ones way. This one will destroy that light, will end this ones pain." The cloaked man continues onward, ever in search of the light.
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"Well that was a mess. But I'm glad everything has worked out." Acturus says after hearing the recent event from Tanis and Katrina. "Now then" He continues "I think someone has yet to properly introduce themselves." With this Jeriah moves forward and says "I am Jeriah from the Lorain family. Ever since the creation of The Sanctuary it has been the duty of my family to safeguard the ruling Lord. Master Tanis your wedding also marked you being named Lord Acturus's official successor. With that knowledge made public you will become a target for many to prey on, as you already witnessed earlier. That is why It was deemed time to have a bodyguard appointed to you, I am that bodyguard. I assure you my combat skills are top notch, Under my watch no harm will befall you."

There is a pause for a second and then Jeriah appeared to have remembered something he forgot. "Oh, This protection also applies to your wife as well. I am your loyal retainer, ready to ensure your life is a safe one." Jeriah bows after he finishes. Tanis didn't know how to react to this. He had never had someone declare their loyalty to him before. I guess I need to start acting like a leader, surely everyone is counting on me. "I accept your loyalty." Tanis says. Jeriah pulls his head up to see that Katrina had moved right in front of him. He steps back but Katrina grabs his arm "Wait." She says "I don't mean to sound weird but, can I look into your eyes?" Jeriah obliged and knelt down. As soon as she looked at him he felt it. She wasn't just looking at him she was looking in him. Jeriah felt as if he was frozen, as if she had hypnotized him. He felt as if she was probing his soul searching through his inner most thoughts. Is she a Chosen? Surely no normal person can do such a thing.

Then just like that she looked away, finished doing whatever it is she did. Jeriah stands up wondering what just happened but afraid to ask. Katrina, using the most serious tone she can muster, begins to explain on her own "I apologize if you feel like I have deceived you. I have known that I was a Chosen for only about a year now. I am still unsure of the exact nature or scope of my own powers. I do know it has something to do with other people, more than it has to do with myself. I wanted to know what kind of person you were, if we could really trust you. So I decided to try an experiment, to see if I could tell your personality by looking into your eyes. You know how they say the eyes are the window to the soul right?" There was a tense silence in the air, a silence that was broken by Katrina sounding as cheery as can be "Don't worry! Your part of the palace family now, and to celebrate I am going to cook you a wonderful meal. Ok?" She smiles trying to look as cute as possible.

Everyone silently agrees to not talk about Katrina's Chosen powers anymore for now. The girl didn't lie when she said she would cook a wonderful meal, it was indeed wonderful. Even though he greatly enjoyed the food Tanis couldn't stop thinking about how Katrina to learned to cook. He pictured her being ordered around by an old lady, forced to work in the hot kitchens all day. That thought saddened him. He looked over at Katrina, she was smiling, she was always smiling. He wondered if that was part of her training too. He also began to notice her strange habit to where she always seemed to know what he was thinking. She turned to him and says "Please stop worrying about me Tanis. My childhood was not so horrible, and I do have my own personality that has nothing to do with my mothers training." He realizes that there is no hiding anything from her, so he just smiles and says "I'm sorry. I guess I worry about others a lot."

Katrina walks over to Tanis and kisses his forehead. "I know." she says "That's one of the reasons why your a great guy." Tanis touches the spot where she kissed him, It didn't really feel any different, but at the same time, it was like he was touching some kind of priceless treasure. He blushed a bright red, Katrina must have notice because she giggled while walking back to her seat. They had just finished eating when one of the palace guards came rushing in shouting "The palace is under attack! My lord, its some kind of monster!" Acturus jumps up "What! What do you mean monster?" Before the guard could answer a figure appeared behind him and impaled him. Katrina's scream overpowered the sound of the guard's blood spilling on the floor.

Tanis understood her fear. The guard had not been stabbed by a sword or by a spear. The weapon was huge, almost wider than the guards body. In a way it looked like an arm, it had 5 grotesque clawed growths that could be called fingers. What ever the figure was that attacked the guard it removed the weapon, allowing the guard to fall to the floor, dead. Katrina startled Tanis as she grabbed his arm, clutching him in fright. Now in full view Tanis understood why the guard had said monster. It was an arm, This man's arm had been transformed into what could only be called an abomination. It was dark purple in color, with huge veins that seemed to be continuously pumping what couldn't be blood. Bulges of flesh that dotted the appendage, pulsated as if they were ready to burst. The arm was much larger than any normal persons arm, almost as large as the man's whole body. As Tanis saw before the thing that only had a fleeting resemblance to an arm ended in those sharp protrusions Tanis decided to refer to as fingers.

And then it spoke. "Found you! Found you!" Tanis expected to some kind of creepy monster voice, but other than sounding slightly deranged it was an average man's voice. "Yes! Yes! Yes!" It continued "After all this searching this one has finally found you! Ahhh, This one can already feel the pain melting away! This one just has to reach out this ones arm, and crush you into nothingness!" The man lifted the monstrous arm of his and pointed it straight at Tanis. "You." it said. "This one will ask why. Why do you torment this one? What did this one ever do to you that you have to cause this one such unbearable pain? Why!"

Terrified would have been an understatement for how Tanis felt. The only reason he didn't already pass out was that after the wedding he promised himself he would never do that again. He had to try to remain strong. He couldn't appear weak to everyone. But he couldn't move, he was too scared, he couldn't even speak, all of his strength was going into just staying conscious. "I think that's enough of this." It was Jeriah, he stepped in between Tanis and the man with the monster arm. "Do you have a name? Or should you remain an unknown as I tear that disgusting thing from your body?" Tanis was so envious. Why? Why don't I have that kind of courage? How am I supposed to be a leader when I can't protect anyone? "Name?" It says "This one had a name before, but now this one has no need of names. But if you must know it than it was Oran Morou" "Tanis" Jeriah says. "Don't worry, This man has indeed become a monster, but trust me when I say that I have a lot more power than you think. Just try and stay back."

I didn't want to reveal myself to them, but there is no way I can beat this guy with just normal attacks. Jeriah concentrated and his determination was made manifest. Glowing crackling energy surrounded his fists like lightning jumping back and forth. A Chosen? Tanis thought. I keep hearing about how rare Chosen are and yet two people that I know are Chosen. "Oooh, you look strong. This one will be entertained fighting you." Despite preconceived notions about dinning rooms, this one was actually really large. And would most likely be big enough to contain their battle. Katrina cringed and looked as if she was in pain. "What's wrong?" Tanis asks. "I can feel his emotions, so much hatred, so much bloodlust, its unbearable." She falls to the floor breathing heavily. Damit I feel so helpless why can't I do anything? While Tanis fumes about his supposed helplessness, the battle began.

With surprising speed Morou rushes to attack. Jeriah slams his foot on the ground ahead of him, creating a burst of wind. He pulls his arms in towards himself, the crackling energy possessed in his fist becomes more intense. Morou stretches out that monstrous appendage, reaching with those bloody claws to tear flesh. Jeriah was ready for the attack and launches both of his arms forward to meet Morou. At the moment of their collision Jeriah released all of the charged up power in his attack. With a great sonic boom, a massive bolt of lightning shot from Jeriah's hands and ripped through Morou's corrupted bulging flesh. He cried out in pain as that distorted, mutated arm exploded. Morou fell to the ground crippled.

Never in his life had Tanis even imagined such a sight, It was beyond belief. Amazing, to think that Chosen have such incredible power. There is obviously a lot I don't understand about them. Katrina seemed to recover from whatever it was that pained her. Jeriah looked out of breath and very tired. "That was impressive, This one has never met a Chosen that could release that kind of energy in one blow." Morou stood up. All of the black flesh that had been strewn everywhere began to wiggle. Then it began to move, all of the pieces of the grotesque arm gathered together in a disgusting bulge on Morou's side. After a few seconds the arm started to form again. When it finished repairing itself, Morou moved it to insure full functionality. "You may have thought you defeated this one, But allow this one to enlighten you. The master is eternal, as long as there is hatred in the universe the master will never perish. If the master does not perish than this one won't perish either. To put it in shorter terms, you have no chance."

No way. This can't be happening. How does someone just completely regenerate like that? Is he really immortal? How do you fight something that doesn't die? Tanis had been so worried about all the little everyday things in life, but now faced with such a unbelievable situation his perspective changes dramatically, To think that there were such things in this world, such amazing and terrifying things. I can't believe that I never even thought about the rest of the world and what might be going on. I am so stupid. Now I am probably going to die here with out ever learning more about this world, the world of The Chosen.

Jeriah had kneeled down to try to regain some strength, but to no avail. Damit, I'm exhausted. That attack took everything I had. I never would have believed that he would be able to regenerate like that. I have to try and stop him. I won't fail in my duty. Jeriah forces himself up and charges at Morou. The man didn't even try to dodge he just stood there and let Jeriah pound his face in punch after punch. It wasn't long before the already exhausted Jeriah ran out of steam and stopped. Morou, who didn't even move an inch tries to speak. However he face was so bruised that it just came out as mumbles. With speed that defied its size Morou struck with the arm. He slashed the sharp claw like fingers straight across Jeriah's face. Jeriah screamed for only a moment, then fell down clutching the gash to stop the bleeding.

"Tanis." It was Acturus that spoke. He had been standing there the whole time watching the fight. "You need to get away. Take Katrina and go down to the bunker. The doors are thick you should be safe." This is the first time Tanis had ever seen Acturus look so worried. That expression combined with his silver hair, made him look much older. "No! Don't be stupid Acturus! There is no way you can beat him!" "I'm not a Chosen, but I have been told that I am quite skilled with a sword. Don't write me off so quick." He draws the katana at his waist, ready to fight. Morou looks frustrated and points the now bloodied arm towards Acturus. Tanis felt the energy launch from that mutated limb, but he could not see it.

What was that just now? I felt some kind of energy hit me. I didn't see anything though. Wait, shit! I can't move. He froze me in place. I can't talk either, Oh no he is going to kill Tanis. How am I supposed to explain to his parents that I couldn't look after him? Looking at Acturus, Tanis could tell that he couldn't move. Morou did something to freeze him. Never in his whole life did he ever believe he would be in this situation. This is it. I'm the only one left. There is no way I will be able to do anything to stop this thing. It's over. Morou begins to walk towards Tanis, intent on slaughtering him. I wonder if this is how all of those unfortunate children in the city feel when they die young. Only 16 years old. I never accomplished anything I wanted to. I never found my parents. I never became a leader Acturus would be proud of. Hell I could never even bring myself to kiss my wife.

Wait. He reaches his hand up to touch where Katrina had kissed his forehead. Don't you remember? How I said that I was going to treasure this. How I finally felt truly loved. There is no way that I can just lay over and die. Not when I at last have someone. Besides I can't leave Katrina by her self. I have to protect her. Morou was slowly getting closer to them, taking his time. With his resolve hardened Tanis moves in front of Morou and shouts "If you want fight, fine! But I won't let you hurt Katrina. I will protect her!" Morou, his face regenerated, snarls then says "Fine if you want to protect her so much then you will die for her!" He raises that menacing arm ready to strike a death blow.

What is this? A minute a go I was so scared I was ready to give up. Here I stand seconds away from a painful death and all I feel is happiness. I am so happy that I met Katrina. Even though I seemed like such a chicken at first, I'm glad I got to show her my courage. Tanis could feel this warmth building up inside him. "Arragh! The light! Crush the light!" Morou attacks with all his might. Somehow, this feels right. Like its supposed to be this way. Tanis looks at Katrina. Her beauty slowly fades from his sight as the world around him is engulfed in a white light.
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Format: I'm not sure how you decided to break up your paragraphs, but it's standard practice to create a new paragraph each time a different person speaks in a conversation. For example...

"Blurgle flurgle." <--person a

"Ragtip baserino." <---person b

As I said though it is only common practice so you don't need to adopt that, but it can be very jarring for a reader with your current method (it was to me, for instance). If you do decide to try the above demonstrated method then that leads me to another choice you've made to at times indicate that a person is speaking in the narrative before they actually speak. Though this reminded me personally of HK-47 from KoTOR, it isn't necessary to change either unless trying this new format method. You'd simply have to move those indicators to the end of the quote.

Wording: I question the reason for using present tense. You even seemed to struggle with getting used to it in the first paragraph, where you shift between past and present. If this is how you write then dismiss this since hey, it's how you write. Your word choice overall got a bit verbose to the point that it was obvious that you got to a mindset where you were trying to be poetic. The largest case of this was introducing Katrina in the wedding scene.

4th Wall: There is a point where you directly address the reader. If this is a one-time breach of the fourth wall (acknowledging that the narrator knows someone is reading) then I'd suggest finding different wording for when you say Katrina looked like a star.

Dialogue: I found the dialogue mechanical and the narrative around it didn't help sometimes. This was the case in the beginning...


Energy crackled and the wind rushed as two people materialized out of nowhere. "Come on. We have to hurry." The man said to the woman. "I know, but I think it will be a while before he can track us here." The woman replies. The two of them begin running towards the massive walled city that loomed before them. "Why did you choose this place?" the man asks. "I have been watching them for a while now and I like how they are developing. I believe this would be a wonderful place for him to grow up." After what seemed like forever they finally entered the city. They continued forward to the palace at the center. Their knocks were answered by a man appearing to be in his late twenties, yet having the silver hair of an old man.

The woman holds out a small bundle "Please. Raise our child." She says with tears running down her face. The silver haired man is stunned he doesn't know what to do. He takes a step back, then the woman starts yelling hysterically "No! Don’t go! Please you have to raise him! He will die if he stays with us! And we don't have time to find anyone else!" The man who came with her embraces her and says "Elisis, you need to calm down. I understand how you feel, I never thought I would be giving away my only son. But getting hysterical like that won't help." The woman, Elisis looks up at the man and says "Taorin, I'm sorry, your right. I'm just so worried. What if we can't find anyone to raise him before he finds us. I won't let Amaranth touch my child."


These people are all extremely articulate despite the situation. There is also a ridiculous difference in the degree of calm with which Elisis speaks of Acturus before they get into the city and then when she gets to the door she's a hot mess. If her nerves are building between the two scenes then that's a great reason to explain more about what she's thinking about on the way to the city instead of just saying that it "seemed like forever" to cover the travelling.

Also in bold is a small bit of narrative saying "the silver-haired man is stunned he doesn't know what to do". This is a case of telling instead of showing. The narrative is at your disposal for so much more than just saying something flat-out. It's through good use of narrative that you can have such well-spoken people without them being quite so alienating.

Content/grammar: Not touching that--kind of my policy.

So, overall this isn't a bad read at all, it just isn't familiar in the slightest (to me at least). The format and usage of inflection indications threw me for a loop that distracted me on more than one occasion. The story itself has a promising beginning with some interesting ideas (like Katrina's family background). I couldn't get into it but if someone more acclimated to your style gave it a read I'm sure they'd give a much more glowing review than my own. Nonetheless, we do have an agreement.