Nightly Crusades: Overhauled and Updated

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First off, I would like to say that I'm actually unsure if making a new topic was the way to go, but the forums are so dead now that I thought it might breath in new life. Second, I never did get far into this story, but that wasn't because I had no direction. Recently, playing a ton of Dungeons and Dragons on my spare free time has rekindled my want to write this story. It is, after all, a combination of ideas from my friends based on one of our campaigns. I won't disappoint and say I plan to finish it this time around, but I do at least plan to overhaul what I've written so far. Every time I read the original, I always felt that I could have done something different. This version is the result of that.

I would like to add the final note that for those interested on checking out the first version, it can be accessed via the link right below.

Nightly Crusades

Without further ado, here is the new version! This will also be the version on my signature! I hope whoever reads this enjoys it.

[size=18]Nightly Crusades[/size]


Chapter 1: Journey to the End of the World

Spoiler:
A rush of wind touched Lyndis’ face as she stared at the image before her, indicating she was nearing her destination. It was the only explanation for the sudden gust that managed to reach her despite being below deck. She quickly put away the picture of her home and stood up. Slinging her pack over her shoulder, she made her way to the upper deck of her transport with thoughts in tow.

How long had it been since she left her hometown? She tried to recall as best she could, but could hardly remember. Ever since she lost contact with her home, she stopped caring about how long it had been. To her, it was better not to be reminded less she became homesick and faltered on her mission. She rolled her eyes at the thought of looking at the picture mere moments ago, realizing it had triggered her thoughts of home.

Stepping out onto the deck, the first sight that Lyndis’ eyes locked on to was the large metal bar that extended past the balloon she stood under. The bar jutted out a good fifteen feet from the large blimp, connecting to a propeller that that helped steer the ship. She looked about and found the other three propellers that connected to the ship. Lyndis took a deep breath, feeling the purity of the air. She wasn’t particularly high up, as proven by the fact that she could breath, but she was high enough to enjoy the purity of the air. It had a hint of ozone in its scent, and she felt it reinvigorate her.

With lungs full of fresh air, she took the first step on the wooden deck, causing a creak that did not bring alarm. On an airship, the creaking was a common noise that Lyndis was quite familiar with. She had travelled far and wide across her Geo, making her quite familiar with airships. This trip however, was a first for her. Lyndis had never travelled to the edge of her Geo. The thought that she was at the end of her world was exciting. All her life, she had only heard the tales. There were many that she came across, but most shared one common factor. That was the rush of air that exited from the edge. Now being at the edge herself, she was happy to confirm this fact. Her smile grew wider with each step she took towards the ship’s railings.

It was but a moment, but it felt much longer. The sight was incomparable to anything she had seen before. In front of her was the end of the world, and like in the stories, it truly did just end. The waters of the ocean cascaded right down to parts unknown, making her question where it all went. Lyndis did her best to keep her jaw from dropping. The sight was more majestic than anything she could have imagined. Her grip on the metal railing tightened, making it creak before she realized she was getting overly excited. She removed her hands, cursing under her breath as she looked at how she slightly dented the metal. Lyndis quickly looked to either side of her out of fear somebody might notice before inching her way to a different spot.

When she calmed down a bit, she continued to admire the sight as it crept closer. Questions swirled in her mind with each second that passed. Where did the water go? Where did it come from? Would the water ever stop flowing? She was so taken that she did not notice a man join her. Lyndis looked to the man as her mind finally registered that he was speaking to her. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” she said.

“Beautiful, isn’t it? First time seeing it, I assume?” he said.

“Yeah. I’m guessing it isn’t yours?” said Lyndis.

“I’ve seen it plenty times. I go on a lot of adventures,” he said with a smile. “Plus, being my age means I’ve been around longer.”

“I guess that’s true,” said Lyndis with a smile of her own. “Can I ask you a question, Sir?”

“Go ahead,” he said.

“Why talk to me? I don’t mean to be rude, but there’s a giant group of people you could have chosen to speak to other than me,” said Lyndis.

“Oh, that’s simple. You’re the only one on this entire ship other than me travelling by themselves. If it’s one thing I’ve learned, those who travel by themselves often do so with a purpose. It often leads to interesting stories. As a former adventurer, I love nothing more than hearing stories,” he said.

“How very assertive,” said Lyndis now repositioning. “Alright, here goes. At the most basic level, I was sent here to look for someone.”

“Someone?”

“Yes, a man that my father wants found. I am to take him home with me upon finding him.”

“I see. How very interesting. Anything else you’re willing to share?”

“Even if I wanted to, that’s all I know. My father was quite vague. All he said was that the man was in this part of our Geo. He didn’t even tell me how he looks, just that I’ll know when I meet him.”

“So it’s an obscure hunt,” he chuckled. “I wish you the best of luck then, Miss…”

“Sadou. I’m Lyndis Sadou,” said Lyndis as she watched the man walk away. Her attention quickly returned to the air as she took her next breath. It was a bit foul, making her realize that she was just a few hundred feet above the landing area. Instinctively, Lyndis got in line with the others that were doing so already as she took one last glance at the city. Much to her disappointment, it was abysmal. This was another thing she could now confirm, recalling that many tales of the edge often mentioned the less than civilized way of living.

As she waited in line, Lyndis glanced at the map on the wall beside her. Terra was the name of her world. At the very least, it was once Terra before it was split into the seven Geos. Now it goes by the name of Quintus. It was a fitting name considering its state. She had often been told that Geos were named from best to worst by descending order. Her thoughts didn’t stay long on the map when she felt a thud as the airship made contact with the earth.

A few minutes of taking slow steps eventually led to her exiting the airship, her feet planting themselves on solid ground after a long few days. The soft touch of rain landed on her face, welcoming her to a new and unknown world. Lyndis quickly pulled her hood over her head and used one of her hands to secure her cloak. It was not just rain that was present, but the sting of the cold from a constant breeze. “I guess this is typical whether here with how the edge works,” Lyndis said to herself. “Alright, let’s get this search started.”

Armed with enthusiasm, Lyndis stepped into the streets. They were cold and harsh, littered with cracks that she assumed had been around even before she was born. The air was thick and heavy, surprising her with consideration to the chill that rocked her to the core. It was definitely not any kind of weather that she was used to. Her first sigh of relief came upon seeing an obelisk shaped stone ahead of her. Lyndis tugged and secured her cloak, hustling to the device with a sense of excitement. She stuck her arm out of her cloak, wincing a bit at the peculiar sensation of the cold. Nonetheless, she soldiered through the chill and placed a finger on the obelisk. As she touched the object, lights began to phase from it. It weaved itself into the shape of structures, eventually creating a replica of the city. Lyndis tilted her head as quickly as the image completed itself. She looked down the sidewalk and pulled the first passerby to her side. It was a man with a woman clung to his arm.

“Hello there, young lady,” he said invitingly. “You must be a visitor!”

“Yes. How did you know?” Lyndis said a bit surprised.

“Only visitors like you panic upon seeing the terminus, dear,” the woman giggled. “I’m guessing you’re wondering why nothing is labeled?”

“Yes. Where I’m from, everything is labeled. It makes for clear and concise directions,” said Lyndis.

“You’ll find it’s not like that here at the edge,” said the man. “In fact, we’re one of the few cities lucky enough to even have a terminus.”

“Huh… interesting…” said Lyndis.

“Anyway, you pulled us aside for assistance, correct?” said the man.

“Yes, I was wondering where to go if I were to find a record of the citizens of this city,” said Lyndis. “With nothing labeled, I don’t know where to start.”

The couple laughed for a moment. “We have no records for our population out here, dear,” said the woman. “If you’re trying to find someone, you’ll have to ask around the conventional way.”

“That’s just it, I have nothing other than I’m looking for a man,” Lyndis sighed.

“That doesn’t give you much to go on,” said the man. “Tell you what, out leader is in the building with the tallest pointy tower near the center of town. He’s quite knowledgeable about the state of our whole province, so he might be able to point you in the right direction.”

“Then I guess that’s where I’ll go,” said Lyndis. She apologized for taking up the couple’s time and was soon off once more. A long walk through narrow and semi-cobbled streets eventually led her to the structure the couple described. She looked at the building from across the street before crossing it with a spring in her step. Lyndis was met with disappointment as she felt the cold join her inside the building. It was still better than outside, but it provided much less comfort than she had expected.

A slew of people walked about inside, speaking with one another in small pockets. A few desks that sported lines were the only semblance of familiarity Lyndis noticed. If this were a city hall, it was the first of its kind that she had ever seen. It echoed with noise and exuded a very relaxed mood. To Lyndis, it felt as if the city was run by incompetents. She looked ahead past the desks to see the portrait of an old man on the back wall. Below the portrait was the man himself, speaking with different people individually. “Jackpot,” Lyndis said as she began to walk towards the man.

She noticed the man look to her with each step she took towards him. He eventually parted his audience to allow Lyndis in his presence. “And who might you be, young lady?” he asked.

“I’m a traveler. A visitor, actually. I came here looking for a man. I was told you might know about him,” said Lyndis.

“Can you tell me more about the man?” he said.

“I have nothing else to say,” Lyndis sighed. “I don’t really know anything else other than I’m looking for a man.”

“Then how do you expect me to help you?” he boomed with laughter and his audience quickly joined. “Listen, traveler, you are not the first to ask me such a vague question. For that very reason, I will give you the same advice as everyone who came before you. Leave our city. I know you find it mundane like all visitors, but I can assure you that there are villages more so outside our walls. Information as vague as yours might do you good in the outer villages.”

“That’s it? How do you even know he’s not here?” said Lyndis a bit annoyed.

“I just do. And if you don’t heed me, you’ll be searching here until you die,” he continued to laugh. “Go to one of the outer villages. The weaker their walls, the more they invite obscure knowledge. Now off with you.”

“Fine…” said Lyndis. She quickly made her way out of the building and looked to her left. Lyndis eyed the three-story stone wall that was noticeable from where she stood. She had seen many walls in her life. Some were much larger and more ornate than the one that stood in front of her. Even so, they were hard to spot due to the expanse of the city. The fact that she could see this one despite its small size with regards to the city’s size said it all. Whether it was the weather or bureaucracy, she was in a place far removed from what she was accustomed to.

The day went on with little care for Lyndis’ predicament. She managed to reach the wall and ask around about the villages beyond it. Luckily for her, she managed to extract some knowledge from a few of the guards posted around the gate. There wasn’t really even a gate. Instead, Lyndis looked to a crudely carved out arch in what appeared to be a solid stone wall. Further examination showed that there wasn’t even any method to climb up the wall. She saw no pulley system or ladders nearby and on hand for access to the top. She realized that despite this city having a wall, they had little protection. In fact, the only guards she noticed were the handful that stood about this gaping blemish blowing in air to the city from an otherwise perfect wall. It didn’t take long for her to receive their permission for her to step out.

One farewell in the form of a wave was shared by Lyndis and the guards. Afterwards, she turned her attention to the field before her. She waded through thick waste high grass that reflected not only a green color, but a yellow one as well. With the rain continuing to batter her now soaked cloak, she assumed that the weather contributed to this overwatered color.

As she walked through the grass, thick blades slapped against her cloak. Their force was amplified by the ever present liquid that coated them provided by the rain. Having a cloak that was well beyond soaked, each strike to Lyndis penetrated through all the layers of her clothing. They had a cold sting that sent an unwelcome vibration throughout her body. Lyndis moved her hand to her stomach and pressed on her clothing. The force pushed some water out of the cloth, soaking her fingers more than they already were. The rain had completely dampened her, leaving an uncomfortable chill on her through which her attire acted as medium.

If there was any consolation to Lyndis, it was the aroma that wafted around her. She smiled in the cold harsh rain, reveling the joy of its fragrance. For as long as she could remember, she always had a fondness for the smell of rain. It put her at ease in a way that nothing ever could. She could never explain why, but she didn’t think it needed explanation. “There’s always some happiness to be found,” Lyndis said to herself.

Hours passed as she walked through the seemingly infinite sea of grass. She looked behind her to see the wall no longer in sight. She had walked for an unprecedented amount of time and was ready for a well deserved break. At this point, she couldn’t care less about the man she was looking for. Nearly a quarter of a year had gone by for her to reach the far edges of civilization. If it wasn’t for the pressing urgency of her father, she would have never taken the task. Then again, she wondered whether she took the task because of her father’s urgency or because of her want to seek thrills. She knew she had always been a thrill seeker at heart. She was always the first to volunteer for every task her father had that involved leaving her home. To Lyndis, it was not that her home was unlikable, but rather mundane. There were many places that were far worse, but there were also many places that were far better.

Lost in her thoughts, Lyndis returned to reality as she saw an unfamiliar sight before her. In the distance rose an archaic wooden fence. It was simple in design, being no more than large logs buried into the earth with sharpened ends. With night fast approaching, faint lights lit up around the fence under the protection of simple stone discs. “Not a single lamp, just covered torches,” Lyndis said. “Where have I stumbled upon?”

The gate was the next object to come to Lyndis’ attention. It was made of much thinner wood and appeared like it would come off with a simple tug. While it might have provided security for this village, it did not do so for her. All she saw was a village ready to disappear overnight. As she continued to observe, she suddenly saw one of the men behind the fence begin to move about. It was more than simple movement; he was frantically flailing about like a madman. “Lessers! Lessers!” he yelled with meaning atop the platform that allowed him to see over the barrier. “Behind the walls! Behind the walls now!”

Lyndis returned her gaze to the area in front of the wall. There were now a sizable group of people appearing from the grass, frantically making their way towards the gate. She was shocked when she felt the grass disappear about fifty feet away from the wall. She heard and felt a crunching sound, forcing her head down to investigate. Lyndis moved her foot out of the way to see that she had stepped on a cabbage. She was now on a farm. “Huh?” she questioned to herself before the screaming voices returned.

“Get ready to repel them!” a man looked towards Lyndis, taking note of her. “Outsider?”

“Me?” said Lyndis as she returned a puzzled look to the man.

“Sir! There’s no time! She’ll just be collateral damage! She’s just one outsider!” another man appeared from what felt like nowhere to speak to the first.

“Repel the Lessers immediately! Fire!” the first man said as a half dozen men and women took aim with simplistic bows.

“What?” Lyndis said under her breath. What were these men so fearful of? She had not sensed a single thing amiss. In the second she had to think, Lyndis leaned a bit to the left as an arrow zipped pass her shoulder. She turned to see it connect with an emaciated creature that was right behind her. It resembled that of a wolf, with a body balding with fur as dark as the night sky. Razor sharp teeth covered in muck and flesh revealed themselves as it screamed from the arrow that pierced its chest. Lyndis’ heart beat faster as she realized how stealthily this creature moved. Up to this point, she had no idea it was behind her. The first indication she received was its very presence before her followed by its shrilling howl. Looking left and right, she saw more wolf like creatures fall as arrows connected with their bodies. More howls followed, breaking the silence and indicating that there were more of them.

“Fire!” the man initiated a second volley from his group as Lyndis continued to take in what was going on. She turned once more to see another arrow coming her way before ducking and narrowly avoiding it. Looking behind her, the arrow pierced the leg of another wolf creature. While a direct hit, it was far from fatal, allowing the creature to leap at Lyndis. She stared into the creature’s furious red glowing eyes before tensing up as she heard the familiar word once more. “Fire!” said the man once again.

The words were like a bell telling Lyndis’ body to go. Her feet rooted themselves to the ground as she twisted her body. Power surged up from her legs, making their way to her fist as she punched the creature before her. The energy she created unleashed itself through her fist as it connected with the beast, denting the front of its chest and sending it back a good twenty feet. In the mere instant this occurred, complete silence followed. The creatures halted their assault on the village to look at her. The men did the same, ceasing fire upon seeing what she had done. Lyndis was fairly certain she impressed them with dodging two arrows, but punching one of the creatures must have stunned them.

Renewed howls echoed through the fields as all the creatures rushed at Lyndis. She swiveled and avoided the first creature to attempt a strike, punching it in the face and misshaping it in the process. More jumped at pounced at her, forcing her into a deadly dance of avoidance. Each creature that missed a strike was punished by an appropriate blow from Lyndis. She palmed, elbowed, and punched at every creature that attempted to hurt her, piling up both dead and dying bodies in a circle around her. The number of creatures rushing at her felt innumerous, and Lyndis finally fell prey to an incoming strike she knew she could not avoid. She readied for the blow to connect before an arrow struck the creature. While it did not die, it was all she needed to swat the beast away. She looked to the wall to see the people now firing around her.

“Support the outsider!” the man said. “Clear out the Lessers that are flanking her!”

Lyndis smiled at his words and continued to attack the beasts. After a few minutes of the combined efforts from the people on the wall and from her, the creatures retreated into the tall grass. Lyndis turned to face them and thank them properly before her hand jolted to her face. In her closed fist was an arrow that was mere inches from piercing her right eye.

“I said hold fire, dammit!” the man said to his subordinates atop the wall. “Outsider! Who are you?”

“I am Lyndis Sadou,” said Lyndis.

“It is a pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Miss Sadou,” said the man. “I am Galder, leader of this village. What has brought you here?”

“I seek a man, but that is all I can share since that is all I was given,” said Lyndis.

“Huh, you’re one of those…” said Galder. His tone suggested to Lyndis that this was not the first time he had heard something so outrageous. “Open the gates and let her in. Come inside, outsider. You have helped defend our village and have gained our trust. We can better discuss this under a roof and maybe some dinner.”

“That sounds fantastic,” Lyndis said with a sigh of relief. “After everything that’s transpired, I could sure use a break…”

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Yanker I read hentai for plot
It still shares some problems as the original version, though you're making progress. The paragraphs are shorter, but in my opinion still quite long. The length is not so much the problem, but rather the sentences that compose them. The first few paragraphs as well as a slab in the middle contain many redundant words and phrases which only make the paragraph dull and almost 'robotic' to read. Many of these phrases can be cut out to provide a more concise and succinct prose that won't bog the reader down.

The action scene was okay, though it could do with the treatment above. Action scenes need to be concise and to the point moreso than any other scenes. I'll see if I can outline some examples to help.

- A rush of wind touched Lyndis’ face as she stared at the image before her, indicating she was nearing her destination. It was the only explanation for the sudden gust that managed to reach her despite being below deck. She quickly put away the picture of her home and stood up. Slinging her pack over her shoulder, she made her way to the upper deck of her transport with thoughts in tow.

>sentences are clunky overall. The reader already knows she was hit in the face by a gust, you don't have to reiterate it in the second sentence. Something simple like 'A rush of wind touched Lyndis' face, even though she was below the deck. They were closing in on their destination. She stowed the picture of her home away and headed stairs, still lost in thought.'

-Stepping out onto the deck, the first sight that Lyndis’ eyes locked on to was the large metal bar that extended past the balloon she stood under.
>Stepping out onto the deck, the first thing she saw was the large metal bar extending past the balloon above her.
'lyndis' eyes locked onto' is a bit redundant. Sometimes these sorts of phrases are okay, but you use them way too much. It's like 'I walked across the room, the feet attached to the ends of my legs propelling me.'
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Hahahaha! Thank you. Writing is definitely just a hobby which is why I'm not too keen on many subtleties. I have much to learn and there's no guarantee that I will ever learn with how inconsistently I go about with my writing. Even so, thank you for the advice. I do have some tendencies that I find innately hard to break, so it will be a while still before I do.

Um... isn't it 2am where you're at? I'm surprised you're not asleep...