[Summer Contest Entry 2015] A Trip Up the Mountains

You know it is not my style! I prefer something more direct, more concise and more importantly, more disgusting. You see, if I were to describe something too much in detail it would not be as shocking or entertaining.

While xhimitsu says that this story is ordinary, I think that it plays to a lot of your strengths actually. Some of your works rely on outlandish situations or otherwise impossible events to give it the the Leonard flavor. This story is much more grounded. It’s just a vacation with some old people, one of them being the rich and extremely overbearing and insensitive friend that has no problems paying for much of the trip. The fact that it is grounded and somewhat believable, but still has a strong shock/uniqueness to it goes to show that your writing and creativity really pulled through here.

My favorite part has to be where you set us up:



That was evil Leonard, and I say that in the best possible way. I didn’t see the twist coming up until the very end where you serve it to us on a silver platter in the form of saggy breasts. After that all my questions and doubts were answered at once. I was wondering how these kids could take a trip out the country so casually. The talk of sex life and family businesses felt just a bit out of place given I thought they were maybe in their early 20s at most. They were short of breath and lacked the spunkiness of youngsters too.

You see, when the contest ended, I took everyone’s work and transferred them onto a separate document. That way, if the contestants edited their work I’d have the original copy anyways. However, I did not get to your work until at least 1 week after the contest had closed. When I copied your work, I didn’t take the picture along, and by the time I read it again I forgotten about it entirely. By the time I’d realized what you had conjured it was too late.

Darn you Leonard, darn you. You got me real good.

I thought this was your best work yet. You somehow managed to fit all the themes into your story all while making it very creative and unsuspecting. There are some errors that I saw though:



costed -> cost



has -> had

I probably missed some things, so it might be wise to ask Xenon to look over it.

Otherwise, great entry Leonard. I think you could’ve done without the picture since as you read, you see the picture much earlier than your reveal so it spoils the story. Or maybe put it in a spoiler, I dunno. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I personally considered it one of the best entries of the contest as well as the best work you’ve written thus far.

Glad you enjoyed it. As I told xhimitsu, a lot of it was inspired by my holiday at 'somewhere in China'. Other people said that it did not feel as the piece was written in my usual style. I personally disagree since it contained rambling and angry monologues at the start, shied away from dialogue and attempts at bizarre humour.

There are other grammatical errors other than the ones you pointed out that had to do with the wrong tense. Thank you for pointing out the wrong use of the word "costed". There is such a word but not in the context of my entry.

I decided to go with that twist after reading excerpts of "Return to Almora". The story is not a quality story that reads like a cheap sex novel but when you imagine a 70 year old Indian man writing it you can't resist the urge to lift some of the passages into an entry of a writing contest hosted on a pornographic website.

I thought readers feel what I felt when I read excerpts of that book. Let me share with you a link:

Link

The spoiler contains some of the excerpts:



One might find the lines remotely erotic. Then you know that both the author and the main character are "in their 60s, grew up in Nainital and obtained doctorates in the US".




Really?! I am surprised. Were the other people on the panel of your opinion?

You continued endeavors to expose me to things I wish I never knew about is admirable.




Well one of the judges was Rise, so I'm going to leave that to your imagination. Waar was pretty neutral though.

Now that you do, could you write a romance story with pickup lines that make references to yoga, meditation and cricket? Something steamy like, "Your performance in bed is much enhanced by daily yoga. It gives you reach AND the flexibility!" Make sure the main characters are old people!