[Winter Contest Entry 2013] - Cold, fire and gauntlets

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Livided FAKKU Writer
This is my entry for this year and what seems to have become my own christmas/new year traditon now is to write about the two characters I first wrote about last year. The characters were inspired by the two names I use which are from two fellow fakku users, so special thanks to those for the inspiration (Xenon and Medzy).

This entry continues the story from my last entry in 2012 "The little things...", albeit a lot of time has passed since both in real life and within this fantasy world.

Since this story takes place in my own fictional world that I write about in my very much so amatuer novel series, a lot of things may not make sense to some readers and I apologise for that. But I am quite a limited writer, so it is what it is. =)


I started off fairly confident writing this story, but this quickly evaporated as I realized what I wanted to write for this story easily filled over 10 pages. So after paragraph upon paragraph being removed and whole story elements and scenes cut out, I present to you my entry at exactly 2000 words not counting the title.

Small edit: Now 1998 words.

Spoiler:

Snow, snow and more snow, it never seemed to stop up here. Xenon brushed the snow off his black coat for the fifth time in as many minutes, realizing as he did so could barely feel his hands anymore. This made his entire body shake briefly at the prospect of dying out here in this frozen hell. His tanned skin and dark hair made for an interesting contrast with the snowy landscape. Sensing he was being watched, he annoyingly turned his head to meet the staring emerald green eyes of his companion. She was giving him that look again with her monotone expression and snow-white hair. He had learned over the time they had spent together to detect the slightest of changes in her expressions to deduce what sort of face she was really making. This was the "How can you be cold when you are able to channel flames and heat?" look which had started to crop up far too frequently since the snow began to fall.

'I told you,' he said annoyingly. 'It doesn't matter what affinity you are born with, you can still get cold. If anything it is even worse for me, so stop giving out that aura of superiority already Medzy.' She gave no response and instead nodded towards the horizon. Following her gaze he spotted an collection of lights in the distance, a city! They had finally reached their destination.

Although calling it a city might have been a going too far, but it was indeed the place Medzy had received information of where their next target was at. No matter how unlikely it may seem to him, he had come to trust her instincts. If he was here they would find him. However before they could do anything they needed to find a place to take refuge at and warm up, at least that is what he managed to convince Medzy that they needed to do. Begrudgingly she relented and they made their way to the huge building at the edge of the town with a carved sign that said "Tavern". Brushing off the snow off his coat for the hopefully last time tonight, Xenon entered cheerfully, toe in toe with Medzy who remained as stoic as ever.

Instantly the smell of smoke and cheap alcohol bombarded their senses followed by the typical laughter and noise you would normally find in such an establishment. This was easily made bearable due to the reinvigorating warmth of their heating system which promptly embraced his frozen body. The tavern was filled with nearly a hundred people who had also sought refuge from the cold. A roaring fire was displayed at the end of the room , enhancing the atmosphere of the place. As the pair moves through the crowd, it soon becomes apparent that several people have stopped what they were doing to turn and watch the new arrivals. where they just curious or did they hold hostile intent he thought to himself as he unconsciously tenses up, assuming the worst.

They managed to find a empty table and Medzy enthusiastically began to order from the waitress who seemed just a little too eager to get away. He shook his head, was he just imagining things or did the entire place seem unnerved around them? As a second waitress arrived with their drinks and Medzy started to reach for a glass, he finally realized why and sighed heavily.

'For heaven's sake are you trying to get us thrown out of here?' He asked angrily while pointing to the pair of oversized armored gauntlets the size of tree trunks. They covered her hands all the way up to her elbows, encasing them in various stone and metals. Ignoring him she comically lifted the delicate glass and sipped its contents carefully. Having gotten used to how she kept her mineral affinity activated indefinitely ever since after they had first met. As a result he tended to forget that this was by no means normal and how it would draw unwanted attention to them. No wonder everyone was looking at them, they might as well have walked in with a case of explosives.

He knew it was pointless though, she was already giving him the "I am eating" face as she somehow managed to pick up a fork and knife and began cutting into the plates of food that had just arrived by another nervous waitress. In spite of himself, he couldn't help but be awed at the level of dexterity she could employ while wearing those things.

As if on cue a group of men appeared behind Xenon at their table. Leaning back in his chair looking up at them they all seemed to have had just a little bit too much fun with the all you can drink menu. Leaving Medzy to her plates of food and drink, he left his seat and faced the surrounding crowd while giving a menacing smile.
His left hand suddenly erupted in flames as he twisted it into a fist. 'Normally I would try and talk things through, but I have been traveling for three days in this snowstorm, so if you want a fight just bring it on!'
The men seemed to hesitate and for a moment it seemed like the last few days bad luck was coming to an end. That was the last thought he had before the room started to spin and then everything turned black as he flew into the opposing wall.

Through extraordinary willpower and an unfortunate history of experience of being knocked out, Xenon regained consciousness just in time as he saw his attack coming in for a second hit. He threw himself hastily to the side as the stone wall behind him was pummeled into pieces in his stead. Finally coming face to bearded face with who had attacked him, the same face that was on the wanted poster of the target they were chasing.

A giant man, easily over seven feet tall, nearly as wide as Medzy was tall, stood grinning almost childishly at the devastation he had just wrought. He looked down at the hole he had just made in the wall before turning to stare Xenon in the eyes. 'Looks like you may prove to be a worthy foe after all!' He joked as he fiddled quickly on a tablet strapped to one of his arms the same size of Medzy's gauntlets. As he did so, the metals that had previously surrounded the arm reshaped with a horrific sound, forming into something different. The bastard was using Oldtech! Meaning he either was or had access to a Relic Hunter. It seemed that today was going to be one of those days most people call a bad day and what he called just another Tuesday.

Cursing, Xenon got up and tried to get some distance between himself and the target. If he was using a close-quarter weapon his assailant would be at an disadvantage if he could create enough distance between them. Having seemingly anticipated Xenon's move however, their target was now holding a nightmarish barreled weapon. With little care for aiming or the innocent people around, he opened fire in the general direction of his opponent. Gunning down everything and anything in his sight, confirming how he had earned such a high bounty.

Barely avoiding being turned into Swiss cheese, Xenon took cover behind an overturned table. It would do little to protect against the projectiles, but at least it obscured his vision. Quickly surveying his surroundings he spotted Medzy near the bar. If it wasn't for the crowd of people she was shielding with her gauntlets, he wouldn't have put it past her to simply try and protect the food she still hadn't finished.

As the gunfire went silent, either due to having run out of ammo or overheating, he decided it was time to start the counter-attack. Trusting the safety of the patrons to his companion, Xenon expertly leapt over the table and in the same motion sent a stream of flames across the room, engulfing the giant in its fire. However the same awful noise of clicks ensued and a vapor of steam burst out, extinguishing the fire while filling the room in an obscuring mist. A cruel laughter soon followed, mocking the failed attack as the technology he possessed seemed to rearrange itself once more around his right arm.
'You'll have to do better than that if you wanna take me down Bloodwielder.' He taunted.
'Wasn't trying to.' Xenon replied as a matter of fact.

The man looked confused for a moment, then he turned and noticed the little girl was no longer guarding the frightened employees. Moving at a near inhuman level of speed, Medzy had closed the gap between the them and had landed right in front of him. Before the man could properly guard himself she launched a mean uppercut straight into his chin. The fact his skull didn't break was either the result of the implanted Oldtech or a naturally thick head Xenon surmised. Knocking him back a few steps before following through with a series of blows across his massive torso, each blow giving off a satisfying crunch. The burly man however proved tenacious and swiftly hit back with both of his hands in downward arc, hoping to smash his opponent to pieces.

Medzy saw it coming however and jumped backwards, Easily dodging the desperate attack. While landing gracefully a couple of feet away from the now broken form of their bounty. As she landed Xenon noticed that the blood stains over her clothing, she must have been wounded while protecting the onlookers from the projectiles. Just as Xenon thought it was all over, the man smiled.

Without hesitation or reservation, he leapt up towards Medzy, displaying the same speed and agility he managed to perform against Xenon earlier, as if his body was completely unharmed. Medzy was now on the defensive and quickly held up her fists in a tight guard, blocking the first strike, causing a loud sound of metals clashing that reverberated across the broken interior of the tavern. The might of the blow pushing her small frame back some distance, but she managed to withstand its force.
Wasting no time, she tried countering, but he saw it coming and simply caught both her hands with his own and Smiled cruelly. He tossed her unprotected body to the side, the ferocity of the throw made it impossible for her to regain any balance and she crashed hard into the nearby wall.

Taking advantage of his distraction, Xenon had moved in and placed a hand on the man's back. 'This time,' He spoke coldly as the man tried turning to face the attack. 'I'll try.' He promised.
At such close proximity and unleashing everything he had left into this one attack, scorched the man's entire body in fire. Unlike the first time, he now had no time to protect himself and simply fell backwards from the onslaught of the attack.

Just as Xenon exhaled from the exertion of the attack, he felt a light punch hitting him from the side. Relief and pain followed as he was glad to see his friend alive, however she seemed anything but content. Giving him the "He was my target why did you interfere?" Face. After explaining he had discovered she was wounded from before and was worried about her. Medzy seemed confused for a moment, then she went over to their former table and lifted up an empty sauce bottle with the same color on the stains on her clothing. Feeling somewhat embarrassed for his assumption and unneeded worry, Xenon quickly changed the subject.
'Well, we might actually break even this time around after all the damages are taken care of.' He sighed then smiled. 'Where to next?

It may have just been his imagination, but he could have sworn he saw Medzy actually smile back for a brief moment.
0
nicely done descriptions and I like the scenes where both Xenon and Medzy got something going with their enemy. not really ending on a rush and not overdoing it either. there's still some few things that made me kind of confused, but overall I got the general picture of this story, nice job.

a bit of mix-ups and typos I caught while reading this out aloud but not much of a problem. I say it flows pretty smoothly and pretty nice even when read aloud.

keep up the good work.
1
Livided FAKKU Writer
high_time wrote...
nicely done descriptions and I like the scenes where both Xenon and Medzy got something going with their enemy. not really ending on a rush and not overdoing it either. there's still some few things that made me kind of confused, but overall I got the general picture of this story, nice job.

a bit of mix-ups and typos I caught while reading this out aloud but not much of a problem. I say it flows pretty smoothly and pretty nice even when read aloud.

keep up the good work.


I can pretty much guess what confused you, cause I sorta ran out of words to properly explain it all lol and had to brush over a few scenes or details. =P

If I may ask you a question however as the first to comment. I tried to add a little bit of more humour if you can call it that, did it come through or did it fall flat for you?
0
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
I want to see Medzy and Xenon fight over a skin of water. More references to their behaviour in the forums will be excellent. Or you can write high_time into the story accusing leonard267 of deriving carnal pleasure looking at photos of geriatrics.

I will go through your entry in detail some time later. I hope you would not mind.
1
Livided wrote...

I can pretty much guess what confused you, cause I sorta ran out of words to properly explain it all lol and had to brush over a few scenes or details. =P

If I may ask you a question however as the first to comment. I tried to add a little bit of more humour if you can call it that, did it come through or did it fall flat for you?


yeah maybe that, some parts used a bit much words and some part seems to be trimmed. kind of like the descriptions from the beginning to the battle scene that's kinda wordy and the battle scene ended up a bit too short, even if it has the stuff which made it somehow 'complete'.

well I sensed some humor alongside the way, kind of refreshing yeah, but mostly got sucked in by the battle scene.

not either hit or miss on me, just probably along the middle of it.
1
Livided FAKKU Writer
leonard267 wrote...
I want to see Medzy and Xenon fight over a skin of water. More references to their behaviour in the forums will be excellent. Or you can write high_time into the story accusing leonard267 of deriving carnal pleasure looking at photos of geriatrics.

I will go through your entry in detail some time later. I hope you would not mind.


The only thing I have used from Xenon and Medzy on the forum, are their names.
As for Leonard and High, neither name would fit into the world where this takes place in so sadly cannot be done. =P

Feel free to go over it in detail whenever it suits ya.


high_time wrote...
yeah maybe that, some parts used a bit much words and some part seems to be trimmed. kind of like the descriptions from the beginning to the battle scene that's kinda wordy and the battle scene ended up a bit too short, even if it has the stuff which made it somehow 'complete'.

well I sensed some humor alongside the way, kind of refreshing yeah, but mostly got sucked in by the battle scene.

not either hit or miss on me, just probably along the middle of it.


Fair enough, thanks for the input. =)
1
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
I need to know who Xenon and Medzy are, where they are and what do they intend to do. If you welcome suggestions on how the story can be improved, this is what I have in mind.

Why are people hunting them down? Why are they in the Tavern? So on and so for.

To illustrate what I mean, I would like you to suffer a story that I will write in full one or two days later when the contest ends. It is all about Xenon and his battle against the fiends, leonard267 and high_time. Point I am trying to make is, the characters must be given a proper introduction.

Let me begin with an opening poem as a nod to the great Nordic poetry of your land:

This tale that I will now tell
Requires some knowledge of chemistry
And a stomach for nonsense as well

It centres around a noble gas
Xenon was his name
Noble though he is, he resents leonard267's ass.


Xenon is a noble gas. This meant that under normal temperatures and standard conditions, he would be calm, collected and not reactive. He is not flammable, being immune to users in the forum to flame him. He is not reactive, never mind some user called leonard267's attempts to spam him.

However, he can be made into a volatile liquid that is volatile by nature under extremely high pressures and extremely low temperatures. So, the evil leonard267, determined to see that Xenon react teamed up with high_time, another user rivalling leonard267's capacity for mischief.

The plan was simple. They intend to throw Xenon into a special freezer that subjects its contents to sub-zero temperatures, dozens of degrees below the melting point of ice. Then, they would apply tremendous amounts of pressure on him by making him listening to recordings of their readings of William McGonagall's poems and stories of great hermaphrodites and their out-of-place genitals.

Xenon was fully cognisant of their diabolical plan and decided to set a trap. He called for help from an acquaintance called Medzy, who, other than being a one eyed monstrosity, is not worthy of mention.
1
Very nice word choice; the only words that seemed to grow tired were the names of characters.
Apart from that, quite good.
0
I haven't read any of the 'prequels' so I read this with a fresh mind.

And I didn't like it. Not in the 'it was bad' kind of dislike, but in the 'uh huh, so what is this about exactly?' kind. It was empty. So two people came into a tavern, in a quest to hunt some dude... and they got into some sort of fight. And... dunno.

The language felt queer at times.

First you said she was stoic, and next she was ordering things enthusiastically... that felt contradictory.

'Xenon' and 'Medzy' were names I disliked as well. Nothing against those users, but the names felt very improper for this kind of work. I also felt that the two together lack 'harmony', for a lack of better words. The sounds, or maybe the images forcibly imposed on the character from what I saw of those two users... all these involuntary associations seemed to me more damaging to your story than any kind of help they could be.

Again, I stress that I haven't read the 'prequels' and I do not intend to, not with the purpose of changing my judgment of this one, at the very least. It would be unfair considering that these background information will probably enforce the story in some sense, making it seem better, but this violates the '2000 words limit' rule of the contest.
0
Livided FAKKU Writer
mibuchiha wrote...
I haven't read any of the 'prequels' so I read this with a fresh mind.

And I didn't like it. Not in the 'it was bad' kind of dislike, but in the 'uh huh, so what is this about exactly?' kind. It was empty. So two people came into a tavern, in a quest to hunt some dude... and they got into some sort of fight. And... dunno.

The language felt queer at times.

First you said she was stoic, and next she was ordering things enthusiastically... that felt contradictory.

'Xenon' and 'Medzy' were names I disliked as well. Nothing against those users, but the names felt very improper for this kind of work. I also felt that the two together lack 'harmony', for a lack of better words. The sounds, or maybe the images forcibly imposed on the character from what I saw of those two users... all these involuntary associations seemed to me more damaging to your story than any kind of help they could be.

Again, I stress that I haven't read the 'prequels' and I do not intend to, not with the purpose of changing my judgment of this one, at the very least. It would be unfair considering that these background information will probably enforce the story in some sense, making it seem better, but this violates the '2000 words limit' rule of the contest.


Aye which is why I did not link it directly but explained where the story continues from, the story continues from a old entry I made but a lot has been changed regarding the chars and I made this to be read alone without the older work. If your worry about it violating the 2000 word limit is shared by the judges I will gladly accept it though and simply consider this an honourable mention.

As for yer other comments. I love the names myself, so just a difference in taste I guess.

Disagree about the language completly but again a matter of taste, not quite sure what attributes I employ that gives it that "queer" feeling at times, if you could point out some examples I would appreciate it.

And indeed about the contradiction of the char Medzy as you mentioned. 100% agree with that point, no excuess really for that one. Was going for a normally stoic but lets loose in specific situations. But the story got shortened so it is what it is. =P

Once again disagree about the harmony and it damaging the story though.
0
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
Livided wrote...
mibuchiha wrote...
I haven't read any of the 'prequels' so I read this with a fresh mind.

And I didn't like it. Not in the 'it was bad' kind of dislike, but in the 'uh huh, so what is this about exactly?' kind. It was empty. So two people came into a tavern, in a quest to hunt some dude... and they got into some sort of fight. And... dunno.

The language felt queer at times.

First you said she was stoic, and next she was ordering things enthusiastically... that felt contradictory.

'Xenon' and 'Medzy' were names I disliked as well. Nothing against those users, but the names felt very improper for this kind of work. I also felt that the two together lack 'harmony', for a lack of better words. The sounds, or maybe the images forcibly imposed on the character from what I saw of those two users... all these involuntary associations seemed to me more damaging to your story than any kind of help they could be.

Again, I stress that I haven't read the 'prequels' and I do not intend to, not with the purpose of changing my judgment of this one, at the very least. It would be unfair considering that these background information will probably enforce the story in some sense, making it seem better, but this violates the '2000 words limit' rule of the contest.


Aye which is why I did not link it directly but explained where the story continues from, the story continues from a old entry I made but a lot has been changed regarding the chars and I made this to be read alone without the older work. If your worry about it violating the 2000 word limit is shared by the judges I will gladly accept it though and simply consider this an honourable mention.

As for yer other comments. I love the names myself, so just a difference in taste I guess.

Disagree about the language completly but again a matter of taste, not quite sure what attributes I employ that gives it that "queer" feeling at times, if you could point out some examples I would appreciate it.

And indeed about the contradiction of the char Medzy as you mentioned. 100% agree with that point, no excuess really for that one. Was going for a normally stoic but lets loose in specific situations. But the story got shortened so it is what it is. =P

Once again disagree about the harmony and it damaging the story though.


I have absolutely no idea what Mibuchiha is saying about 'harmony' and 'queer language' (unless you made Medzy a male and his relationship with Xenon in the story homoerotic).

My issue with the entry is the lack of an introduction. Who are the characters? Where they are? What do they intend to do? This would make one more concerned about the fight that was going on.

I hope you liked the parody of it. It attempts to introduce Xenon and the two villains. I hope it sets up motivation which is Xenon being aware that he is about to be attacked.
0
Livided FAKKU Writer
leonard267 wrote...
Livided wrote...
mibuchiha wrote...
I haven't read any of the 'prequels' so I read this with a fresh mind.

And I didn't like it. Not in the 'it was bad' kind of dislike, but in the 'uh huh, so what is this about exactly?' kind. It was empty. So two people came into a tavern, in a quest to hunt some dude... and they got into some sort of fight. And... dunno.

The language felt queer at times.

First you said she was stoic, and next she was ordering things enthusiastically... that felt contradictory.

'Xenon' and 'Medzy' were names I disliked as well. Nothing against those users, but the names felt very improper for this kind of work. I also felt that the two together lack 'harmony', for a lack of better words. The sounds, or maybe the images forcibly imposed on the character from what I saw of those two users... all these involuntary associations seemed to me more damaging to your story than any kind of help they could be.

Again, I stress that I haven't read the 'prequels' and I do not intend to, not with the purpose of changing my judgment of this one, at the very least. It would be unfair considering that these background information will probably enforce the story in some sense, making it seem better, but this violates the '2000 words limit' rule of the contest.


Aye which is why I did not link it directly but explained where the story continues from, the story continues from a old entry I made but a lot has been changed regarding the chars and I made this to be read alone without the older work. If your worry about it violating the 2000 word limit is shared by the judges I will gladly accept it though and simply consider this an honourable mention.

As for yer other comments. I love the names myself, so just a difference in taste I guess.

Disagree about the language completly but again a matter of taste, not quite sure what attributes I employ that gives it that "queer" feeling at times, if you could point out some examples I would appreciate it.

And indeed about the contradiction of the char Medzy as you mentioned. 100% agree with that point, no excuess really for that one. Was going for a normally stoic but lets loose in specific situations. But the story got shortened so it is what it is. =P

Once again disagree about the harmony and it damaging the story though.


I have absolutely no idea what Mibuchiha is saying about 'harmony' and 'queer language' (unless you made Medzy a male and his relationship with Xenon in the story homoerotic).

My issue with the entry is the lack of an introduction. Who are the characters? Where they are? What do they intend to do? This would make one more concerned about the fight that was going on.

I hope you liked the parody of it. It attempts to introduce Xenon and the two villains. I hope it sets up motivation which is Xenon being aware that he is about to be attacked.


Yer parody is not my style tell ya the truth, but it is well written and interesting for what it is. So I due to the high quality of it I can't help but like it for that reason. =P

As for the lack of introduction, 100% again, I knew this would be a problem. In the original draft I made of this there was a lot more focus on the introduction of the characters, but I ran out of words and cut out like 4 paragraphs from the start. I could have of course removed something else, or written something else that allowed me to avoid this big flaw in my text.
But I was stubborn getting this story done and having a contuination of sorts, so for better or worse this is what I came out with hehe.
0
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
Spoiler:
Livided wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
Livided wrote...
mibuchiha wrote...
I haven't read any of the 'prequels' so I read this with a fresh mind.

And I didn't like it. Not in the 'it was bad' kind of dislike, but in the 'uh huh, so what is this about exactly?' kind. It was empty. So two people came into a tavern, in a quest to hunt some dude... and they got into some sort of fight. And... dunno.

The language felt queer at times.

First you said she was stoic, and next she was ordering things enthusiastically... that felt contradictory.

'Xenon' and 'Medzy' were names I disliked as well. Nothing against those users, but the names felt very improper for this kind of work. I also felt that the two together lack 'harmony', for a lack of better words. The sounds, or maybe the images forcibly imposed on the character from what I saw of those two users... all these involuntary associations seemed to me more damaging to your story than any kind of help they could be.

Again, I stress that I haven't read the 'prequels' and I do not intend to, not with the purpose of changing my judgment of this one, at the very least. It would be unfair considering that these background information will probably enforce the story in some sense, making it seem better, but this violates the '2000 words limit' rule of the contest.


Aye which is why I did not link it directly but explained where the story continues from, the story continues from a old entry I made but a lot has been changed regarding the chars and I made this to be read alone without the older work. If your worry about it violating the 2000 word limit is shared by the judges I will gladly accept it though and simply consider this an honourable mention.

As for yer other comments. I love the names myself, so just a difference in taste I guess.

Disagree about the language completly but again a matter of taste, not quite sure what attributes I employ that gives it that "queer" feeling at times, if you could point out some examples I would appreciate it.

And indeed about the contradiction of the char Medzy as you mentioned. 100% agree with that point, no excuess really for that one. Was going for a normally stoic but lets loose in specific situations. But the story got shortened so it is what it is. =P

Once again disagree about the harmony and it damaging the story though.


I have absolutely no idea what Mibuchiha is saying about 'harmony' and 'queer language' (unless you made Medzy a male and his relationship with Xenon in the story homoerotic).

My issue with the entry is the lack of an introduction. Who are the characters? Where they are? What do they intend to do? This would make one more concerned about the fight that was going on.

I hope you liked the parody of it. It attempts to introduce Xenon and the two villains. I hope it sets up motivation which is Xenon being aware that he is about to be attacked.


Yer parody is not my style tell ya the truth, but it is well written and interesting for what it is. So I due to the high quality of it I can't help but like it for that reason. =P

As for the lack of introduction, 100% again, I knew this would be a problem. In the original draft I made of this there was a lot more focus on the introduction of the characters, but I ran out of words and cut out like 4 paragraphs from the start. I could have of course removed something else, or written something else that allowed me to avoid this big flaw in my text.
But I was stubborn getting this story done and having a contuination of sorts, so for better or worse this is what I came out with hehe.


No, no. I am not going to ask you to write nonsense! That is my job.

I am suggesting a few short sentences to establish who the main characters are and what do they do to make us care about what is happening next.
0
Livided FAKKU Writer
leonard267 wrote...
Spoiler:
Livided wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
Livided wrote...
mibuchiha wrote...
I haven't read any of the 'prequels' so I read this with a fresh mind.

And I didn't like it. Not in the 'it was bad' kind of dislike, but in the 'uh huh, so what is this about exactly?' kind. It was empty. So two people came into a tavern, in a quest to hunt some dude... and they got into some sort of fight. And... dunno.

The language felt queer at times.

First you said she was stoic, and next she was ordering things enthusiastically... that felt contradictory.

'Xenon' and 'Medzy' were names I disliked as well. Nothing against those users, but the names felt very improper for this kind of work. I also felt that the two together lack 'harmony', for a lack of better words. The sounds, or maybe the images forcibly imposed on the character from what I saw of those two users... all these involuntary associations seemed to me more damaging to your story than any kind of help they could be.

Again, I stress that I haven't read the 'prequels' and I do not intend to, not with the purpose of changing my judgment of this one, at the very least. It would be unfair considering that these background information will probably enforce the story in some sense, making it seem better, but this violates the '2000 words limit' rule of the contest.


Aye which is why I did not link it directly but explained where the story continues from, the story continues from a old entry I made but a lot has been changed regarding the chars and I made this to be read alone without the older work. If your worry about it violating the 2000 word limit is shared by the judges I will gladly accept it though and simply consider this an honourable mention.

As for yer other comments. I love the names myself, so just a difference in taste I guess.

Disagree about the language completly but again a matter of taste, not quite sure what attributes I employ that gives it that "queer" feeling at times, if you could point out some examples I would appreciate it.

And indeed about the contradiction of the char Medzy as you mentioned. 100% agree with that point, no excuess really for that one. Was going for a normally stoic but lets loose in specific situations. But the story got shortened so it is what it is. =P

Once again disagree about the harmony and it damaging the story though.


I have absolutely no idea what Mibuchiha is saying about 'harmony' and 'queer language' (unless you made Medzy a male and his relationship with Xenon in the story homoerotic).

My issue with the entry is the lack of an introduction. Who are the characters? Where they are? What do they intend to do? This would make one more concerned about the fight that was going on.

I hope you liked the parody of it. It attempts to introduce Xenon and the two villains. I hope it sets up motivation which is Xenon being aware that he is about to be attacked.


Yer parody is not my style tell ya the truth, but it is well written and interesting for what it is. So I due to the high quality of it I can't help but like it for that reason. =P

As for the lack of introduction, 100% again, I knew this would be a problem. In the original draft I made of this there was a lot more focus on the introduction of the characters, but I ran out of words and cut out like 4 paragraphs from the start. I could have of course removed something else, or written something else that allowed me to avoid this big flaw in my text.
But I was stubborn getting this story done and having a contuination of sorts, so for better or worse this is what I came out with hehe.


No, no. I am not going to ask you to write nonsense! That is my job.

I am suggesting a few short sentences to establish who the main characters are and what do they do to make us care about what is happening next.


And I agree with yer suggestion, I ran out of space and for better or worse, left out such sentences in order to fit other things in the story. =P

In retrospect it may have been a bad call as indeed it is important to establish characters in a good way for anything else to be good later on though.

Edit: My attempts to give more info about the characters with what I had I tried to reveal in piecemeal. So as in the start briefly about some minor apperances on the characters, some small mention of each personality and then add some more in certain scenes or occasions.
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leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
Yes. That is a common technique among the entries I have read, but I find myself scratching my head unless I know who is who by the first 200 words of the entry.

Dawn of Dark has accomplished that somewhat but I still find it difficult to read the story unless I knew who the first character introduced in the story was.
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Livided FAKKU Writer
leonard267 wrote...
Yes. That is a common technique among the entries I have read, but I find myself scratching my head unless I know who is who by the first 200 words of the entry.

Dawn of Dark has accomplished that somewhat but I still find it difficult to read the story unless I knew who the first character introduced in the story was.


I definitely see what you mean, I am like I said, a limited writer in that I tend to write what I know to a certain extent. And I know what I read and majority of my reading comes from warhammer 40k novels, where a lot of times they take a long time to introduce characters and let the readers get to know them one piece at a time.

I guess this once again points to the bad decision I made when writing this. I took a story which could be many many pages long and should be, into under 2000 words. As a result approaching this short story as a entire book gave a way for plenty of errors to crop up.

Since I do not have the luxury of the space a book has to a short story where you need to produce good and interesting content from start to finish or the reader will lose interest. As well as not get what is going on story wise or character wise.
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Livided FAKKU Writer
Modzy wrote...
Very nice word choice; the only words that seemed to grow tired were the names of characters.
Apart from that, quite good.


Hm, after reading through the story again I cannot help but agree with the names being over used. I tried keeping this in mind but I just missed sorting it out more evenly so it wasnt being hammered in.
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Livided FAKKU Writer
sora_coltrane wrote...
I liked these characterization a lot:
Spoiler:

This was the "How can you be cold when you are able to channel flames and heat?" look which had started to crop up far too frequently since the snow began to fall.

Ignoring him she comically lifted the delicate glass and sipped its contents carefully.
-The picture it painted was great and I thought that “comically” could be left out. I believe she had no intention to be funny.

'Normally I would try and talk things through, but I have been traveling for three days in this snowstorm, so if you want a fight just bring it on!'

If it wasn't for the crowd of people she was shielding with her gauntlets, he wouldn't have put it past her to simply try and protect the food she still hadn't finished.

Through extraordinary willpower and an unfortunate history of experience of being knocked out,
-I think the anime feel of constantly being knocked out but still being alright keeps appealing to me


For the ending:
Spoiler:

-
Giving him the "He was my target why did you interfere?" Face. After explaining he had discovered she was wounded from before and was worried about her. Medzy seemed confused for a moment, then she went over to their former table and lifted up an empty sauce bottle with the same color on the stains on her clothing. Feeling somewhat embarrassed for his assumption and unneeded worry, Xenon quickly changed the subject.

'Well, we might actually break even this time around after all the damages are taken care of.' He sighed then smiled. 'Where to next?

It may have just been his imagination, but he could have sworn he saw Medzy actually smile back for a brief moment.
-

I liked the way you closed it and I just want to add that the first paragraph here, it would've been great if it was done by showing and dialogue. When it is just told that this was what happenend, him explaining, the telling took out some of the momentumn for me towards the end. I liked the dialogue portions of your piece especially between Xenon and Medzy and these are the parts I would like to see more. Even if it was just Xenon explaining, the interesting points to me was more of their relationship then the actual fighting.

I thought you could improve on these:
Spoiler:

'For heaven's sake are you trying to get us thrown out of here?' He asked angrily while pointing to the pair of oversized armored gauntlets the size of tree trunks.

You could do without “angrily”. Good dialogue conveys the emotions with the content alone. If you want to increase the impact, showing the way he pointed at the gauntlets would be better, to me.

His tanned skin and dark hair made for an interesting contrast with the snowy landscape.

The imagery is good, the way it was delievered disrupted the flow though. Instead of saying it made an interesting contrast, just put them across each other naturally. Perhaps you could try “His tanned skin and dark hair stood against the snowy landscape”

Also landscape is vague especially since there wasn't a setting established yet. Even if it was just a brief paragraph, I think it would be better to use a specific noun instead. field\mountain\hill etc


This is what I have so far. Good job! The change from desert to snow land added dimension!


I agree with all yer suggestion for improvement, some I was unaware of, others I am. Interesting thing on yer thoughts on the comically thing, originally I had more words in to emphesis that she just looked comically lifting it due to the fragile glass and the powerful fists. But as I edited and edited shorting it down to below 2000 words I forgot to properly construct that segment of the story.

Off-topic: Was hoping to have finished reading yours before you got to mine, but been a busy after new year day, will get to yours asap! =)
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leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
I would like to do a fuller parody of your entry by tomorrow, Livided. Is that okay with you? I will post it here and in another thread.
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Livided FAKKU Writer
leonard267 wrote...
I would like to do a fuller parody of your entry by tomorrow, Livided. Is that okay with you? I will post it here and in another thread.


Aye, while I am probably not a big fan of yer style, you definitely have quality to your work and if you feel like making a parody of anything I have made I consider it an honor. =P
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