My Valentines Day Evening

Okay, I just had one of the WORST Valentine’s Day experiences…A friend of mine set me up on a blind date, and being the kind of guy I am, I met her to the best restaurant in town, the Outside Inn, and wore my best outfit (a dark blue suit with light blue pinstripes and a black tie). I arrived a little early and waited at my table with a glass of red wine. I heard her come in and ask for my table so I snuck a glance and was less impressed than I had thought I would be.

She had had light brown hair that was in two pigtails, and she was wearing a beanie cap with holes in it for her hair. Her outfit consisted of brown cargo pants, black flip flops, a green tank top (no bra tho) and three different belts. She had no bag, thank god, but had at least 20 multicolored wristbands. She had a nice face, but somewhat of a bony body (T^T). I felt horribly overdressed in comparison to my partner, but was dressed perfectly for the restaurant itself.

I pulled her chair out for her, and she sat down without a word and picked up the menu. Regaining my composure, I sat down. I asked her name and she replied “I don’t set much stock in names, but you can call me Elise.”

Needless to say, I was rather confused. I offered my name, and asked if she had been to this restaurant before. She looked around and said, “I’m not sure, but then again, there’s nothing special about it.”

I continued trying to make small talk in this same fashion while the waiter brought our drinks and bread. Unsurprisingly at this point, I got absolutely nowhere. That changed however when the waiter took our orders, and I apparently made the mistake of ordering the 8oz Filet Mignon. She dropped her menu and her jaw dropped open as she gasped. “You’re ordering that?! But, that’s meat!” I fell prey to my smart mouthed tendencies and replied “Why yes, you’re right it is. How observant of you!” I then attempted to cover my blunder with a chuckle, but she apparently ignored it. She then flew into a long, drawn out speech about not eating meat.

But get this, her embargo on meat isn’t because of cruelty to animals or anything normal like that. She believes that America wastes too much gas and energy caring for and transporting the meat after the animals have been butchered and processed (wtf?!). So by not eating meat, her theory is that America won’t waste as much energy and gas.

After amending my order to something similar to hers (a house salad, with no eggs, no cucumber, and no dressing), I resumed my attempt at small talk. Here is what I was able to gleam from the enigmatic woman sitting across from me:
1. She does not shave her legs, armpits, or stomach, it’s not natural.
2. She does not use deodorant, because the chemicals in it are apparently harmful.
3. She listens to her own genre of music, which she has dubbed “Bubblegum Pop” (it sounds as if it only consists of music by Ace of Base and Aqua)
4. She does not have cats or dogs or birds or fish. She raises lizards, and crickets that she feeds to the lizards.
5. She does not drive or own a car, because the Man has created machines that make themselves necessary.
6. She doesn’t drink, because drugs are bad for the body (but has no problem smoking cigarettes and a LOT of weed apparently)

After we had eaten and talked a little more, we finished the meal with coffee, which she requested grape jelly be added. When the check came, I reached for it, expecting her to pull the cliché fight over the check, but when I looked, she had gotten up and left. After paying for the check, I found her outside smoking, leaning against the building. I joined her, hoping to find some common ground through our mutual habit, but when I pulled out my pack of Newport menthols, she scoffed at me. When I asked what the issue was, she pulled out her cigarette holder and said she only smokes all natural PIPE tobacco, which she then rolls herself.

After a very awkward, silent smoke, I offered to drive her home. To my surprise she took me up on it. I started the car and attempted to start a conversation, but she proceeded to put her headphones in. Having had enough, I sped to the address she had given me, and made it there in record time. Determined to be a gentleman to the end, I walked her to the door. After I got her safely there, I offered a goodnight and attempted to leave, but that apparently wasn’t what she wanted.

She grabbed my hand and asked for at least a goodnight kiss, saying she had had a wonderful time (whenever that was, I don’t know, because I don’t remember being there). I was however relieved that some part of her seemed normal, wanting a goodnight kiss, and when I locked eyes with her and leaned in, she responded in kind. It was a deep kiss that took me by surprise, given her attitude throughout the evening. When I pulled away, I noticed a strange taste in my mouth. She noticed me running my tongue over my teeth and said “Oh, don’t worry about that. I make my own toothpaste out of lemon grass and mint. I don’t like to use mass marketed products.”

I then left without a word and drove home and immediately brushed my teeth, regretting having gone along with the blind date.

I laughed so much during the whole reading of your horrible experience. I woulda punched her in the vagina already.

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