[Winter Contest Entry 2012] Love

It was this time of the year…

Luke stares out the snow-flake-covered windows. The sun shine its ray down to the red tile roofs, now is being covered in the whiteness of winter. Though weak as it may be, it could still bring a touch of warmth, but yet so light that it could hardly be recognized, even if without the fireplace burning next to Luke. It’s snowing outside and the wind is blowing through the leafless trees, the coldness and the sound would make you shiver down to your spine. That is, if there weren’t any kids outside throwing snowballs. Houses let smoke fuming out of its chimneys as everyone is whether chilling around the fire or roasting turkey, making a scent that fills the air. The town’s bakery is just adding even more to the aura. Almost everything has been decorated. Everyone is happy for it is the most beautiful time of the year.

But Luke just can’t seem to bring himself to smile. He’s looking at the kids who are playing in the snow, enviously. A warmth-bringing voice echoes behind Luke:

_What is it that you’re looking at, my dear?

_Grandma… - Luke turns back to see a kind face – I know is impossible for a kid who sit on a wheelchair like me, but still, I-I want to go play down there. – He said in a melancholic voice.

_Oh, my dear, don’t be like that. Of course you can join them. – Holding Luke’s head, she said kindly.

_You’re fooling me…

_Have I ever lied to you? I remember someone has said: “One can only be as free as one’s soul”.

Having said that, she went out and return with a sketchbook, a brush and a bunch of water colors.

_Here, dear. Set your wings free. – She smiles, with grace like an angel.



That was three years ago…

It is this time of the year again…

The sun is still shining. It’s still snowing, the wind is still blowing. The houses, the smoke going through the chimneys, the atmosphere being filled with scents of foods, the decorations, the people… almost everything is the same.

Almost.

Luke is sitting in his room, missing his grandma. He’s drawing something. It’s him and his grandma. They look happy, but somewhere, hidden under his smile, there’s a drop of sadness, perhaps the fear of losing her… which Luke already did. Lying around him is a lot of paintings, of him and some others. But none of the paintings draws a kid with a pair of disabled legs, but rather a kid who can run and scream.



Having eaten half of his breakfast, Luke head for his school.

_Do you need anyone accompany you, son? – His dad asked.

_No, I’m fine. – He replied.

Rolling down the road, he can see the leaves have all fallen down to the pavement. The way to school has not been just painted white, but also dotted red. From his house to school, Luke needs to walk past the heart of the town, the church. It has been gorgeously decorated, to every detail. He stops at the gate for a moment, stare up to the tip of the lightning-rod of the church, to see how it thrusts through the sky.



Break time has started. Luke goes out to get some fresh air. He sits at his usual seat, at the rear of the playground. He raises his head to the laughter of other kids, but not to see them, but rather searching for a girl, and he found her, sitting across the yard, at her usual spot. He can’t see quite clearly, but he can be sure that she has beautiful long, dark hair. And she’s playing a harmonica.

Suddenly, a snowball, luckily blocked by his sketchbook, startles him, followed by a harsh voice.

_Hey pips, whatcha looking at? – Marc, the biggest kid in school, who obviously picks on smaller kids, especially Luke. He throws another ball. Lucky for Luke that he was able to dodge that, or maybe it’s just that Marc is a terrible aimer.

_Ha, can’t hit back? – Marc laughs gloatingly.

Luke tries to endure it. After all, he has been enduring it for years.

_Hey, break it off! – A fierce voice yells at the kids.

_Hey, it’s Ms.Helly! – A kid screams.

_Tch! Let’s get out of here. – Marc ordered his troop.

_These kid, no manners! – Ms.Shelly mumbles. – Hey, are you OK, Luke

_ Yeah, I’m fine. Thank you, Ms.Shelly.

_Next time the kids bully you, tell me about it, okay? – Ms.Shelly looks worried.



The bell rings again, for it’s time to head home.

Home…why does that word sound so distant to Luke? Because, he’s a member of the prestigious Fakku! family. And born not being able to walk, he’s obviously a disgrace.

_How was school today, son? – His father asked.

_It was ok. – He replied.

_All is well then. – His father replied with a cold attitude.

_Do you know something, father? Today I was called up to the board to solve a mathematic problem! – He tries to liven up the bland conversation.

_Is that so? Why don’t you fill your mother with all the detail? – He finishes his meal and stand up. Then he left.

Dinner time is Luke’s least favorite time, he has to spend it with his family, and they don’t even want to have him.

_I will just go to my room then.

The mansion is always full of people, but why does Luke always feel so lonely? The only one who has ever loved him is his grandma, but now she is long gone. He’s painting. His parents don’t even know what their son is doing everyday.



It’s another day at school. But, unlike other days, Luke stays after school, at his usual spot, to finish what he couldn’t yesterday. He drew a kid who is playing with other regular kids in the snow field. And among those kids, there is still Marc.

_Hey, pipsqueak! – That cranky voice again – You were lucky yesterday. Well, not today!

Having said that, he picks up snow and starts throwing at him. After a while, he approaches Luke.

_Heh, have enough? – He asked sarcastically. – Hmm? What’s this? – Marc forcefully pulls the sketchbook that Luke was trying to protect the whole time out of his hands.

He quickly goes through the pages. He burst out laughing.

_Hahahaha. What’s this? You want to have normal legs, like normal people? – Marc laughs in a despised way. – Not in a million years. Not even your father and mother want you! Why in the world do YOU want normal legs!?

_Give it back! – Luke uses all his strength to lean to Marc and bites him.

_Uoahhhh! – Marc screams – It hurts, you freak. – He gave Luke a kick in his stomach. – You want it? Come and get it!

Marc starts to rip the paintings of Luke to pieces.

_Nooo! – Luke burst into tears. – Give it back! Give it back!

_Hey, give it back! – A voice that sound like thunderclap in Marc’s and the gangs’ ears.

_It’s her again!

_Let’s run! – Marc threw Luke’s half-ripped sketchbook on the ground and fled.

_Are you hurt? – Ms.Shelly hurried to Luke’s place.

_Let me pick it up for you. – After helping Luke pick up all of his paintings
pieces, she tries to comfort him. – Are you hurt, let’s get you to an infirmary, OK?

But Luke suddenly ran off. Ms.Shelly fell when she tries to catch him.



He ran to the river bank behind the church. It’s the place that he and his grandma went to after she handed him those things three years ago. It’s the only place that can calm his heart, besides his own room.

_Grandma!!! Is it true that I am just a useless being in this world?? – He cries out to the river. But the river says nothing.

_Of course not. – A strange voice breaks the silence. A voice that belongs to a girl.

Luke turns back to see the girl that was always sitting across the yard at the exact same spot everyday. He already knew that she was pretty, but now he gets a chance to see her up-close, she is really beautiful. Dark silky hair drops down from her back. A kind face. But the most impressive thing has to be her eyes. Dark bright eyes that seem to be able to see right through you.

_Every single being was born to this world for a purpose. And I believe you are no exception. – She continued.

_How can you be so sure? – He wiped the tears.

_Because I believe so.

Her eyes… It light up so bright it rival that light of the Northern Star. Eyes that believe in God, believe…in me. It made me believe her.

_Are you the girl that always playing the harmonica in the school-yard? – Luke asked.

_Ah, yes, you’ve noticed? How delightful! – Her face make Luke feels joy as well.

_W-would you mind playing it right now? I really want to hear it.

_Oh? Well, I guess it’s not much of a trouble. – She smiles gracefully.

Then she starts playing. The sound … A sound that could soothe a grieving soul. It almost sounds like not that of a human’s, but rather, the godly sound of the Muses’. Luke was entranced by her music, that he unconsciously takes out his brush and start painting her. Looks like she has noticed, but doesn’t care. Looking deep into her eyes, he feels like he could see the universe.

After she’s finished her performance, Luke’s also finished his.

_Wow, that was so beautiful. Sorry, but I drew you when you were performing, I didn’t want to interrupt so I didn’t ask for your permission…

_Oh, that’s OK. Can I see the picture? – She smiles at Luke.

_O-of course – He’s caught up in her eyes again.

She stare at it for a while… – It is very beautiful!

_Really? Can I draw you again sometimes? – Luke asks joyfully.

_Yes. Of course. I live in the church. – she replied.

_Oh, okay. I will be stopping by! – He speaks as he’s leaving. – Oh, I forgot, what’s your name?

_My name is Silviest, call me Sil. – She smiles back. – Luke, don’t give up easily, only when you tries your best and finish it can you make it that beautiful!



The next day, Luke come looking for Silviest, but only to find there’s a funeral taking place in the church. Luke tries to slip his way to see the who it was, after having overheard it was just some 12-13 years old girl. And he couldn’t believe his eyes, when he sees the name “Silviest Vaning”.

Later that afternoon, he talks to the pastor.

_Why did she die, father?

_She was born with a heart disease, nothing we could do about it, son.
Stop for a while, he continues. – Having known she has an innate heart disease, her father abandoned both her and her mother for another woman. After that, her mother worked hard to raise her, but then, how God’s desires play with us, she and her mother was in an accident. So very unfortunately, her mother died, but she survived and was bought under my care since. But death escapes no one. Having a heart disease… I couldn’t do anything. She knew she was going to die that night.

_It’s impossible! – Luke screams. – She was so optimistic yesterday! She even said my painting was beautiful and said OK when I asked whether I can draw her again.

_But son, how can that be? Due to the accident, her vision had been decreasing rapidly, in the last six months, she couldn’t see.

It dawn on Luke.



The next day, Luke returns with a painting of her and himself, on that day. This time, he was not boy with normal legs, but rather, sits on a wheelchair, with Silviest, a girl with long dark hair, and beautiful eyes.

---

Author's Postscript

Ahahaha, thanks for your comment, Sora (or I should have said Coltrane?). I wanted to write more, actually, coz i felt like the story is still missing something, just like how you felt, right? But you know, the word limit thingy :P I couldn't find something to delete in my piece up there, really, cause I felt everything was necessary. But I'm glad you enjoy it XD

Of course I will pay your story a visit. Oh and I noticed that your piece is in the first poll, right? I wish you good luck, looks like you might be needing it :D

I must be honest... When I read the name "Luke" at the start and then all the way to the end, I kept thinking of starwars lol.

But overal I enjoyed the story, the _ was a distraction for me though, same with luke name but that was just an error of myself.

Even I was distracted by that name, ahaha. I think I must have thought of that name while thinking of Star Wars myself!

I think everybody took the "_" for surprise, huh? I'm not sure why, but I think it's not that weird, is it?

I am only replying again to saw awesome avatar of Shana. xD
Maybe very much off-topic but oh well, had to be done!

Also I have never seen the "_" before in that manner, so I dunno if it is weird or I am weird for not having seen it in other works.

Haha, thanks. I did really want to change the avatar for some while now, but I haven't found the time until now.

It's true that I haven't seen works that uses the "_" before in the forum, but if you read lots of story books, and I mean "real" books, not manga, you would see them quite often. And I personally think that using the "_" looks more neatly than using " " XD

Aye I see what you mean, I just attach it to files and stuff that are connected in _blabla_Blabla_ which just seems a bit technical to me lol.
I use "'" for mine and I dunno if that's good or bad either, but like you I use what I am most comfortable with. =)

I find this to be a pretty decent read albeit some of the difficulties I encountered at the beginning when I didn't really get the flow at the beginning parts, well it's not really a problem since I enjoyed it nonetheless~

It was a heartfelt story and I applaud you for being able to develop the characters neatly, especially the protagonist, Luke, it's easy enough for me to naturally sympathize with his shortcomings; about him not being able to walk, about his desire to become free and run away happily, using art to escape his reality of friends and family who seem to treat him like he wasn't a human being at all. and how his grandma left him when just when he needed her the most, portraying another slice of reality that's pretty common in our society nowadays, no matter the place and time.

Then another strong point was about your ability to tell so much using an efficient wording, and being able to easily made me imagine what's happening, just about right in the word amount although you could trim it further to make us focus on the details you wanna point out.

There was a few parts which I found pretty strange and it kind of bothers me. If I'm reading this right, Luke was spending his daily life in a wheelchair, but at some occasions he does appear to me like he's standing on his two feet, like when he gets bullied by Marc, and furthermore, the words

'he ran...'

this kinda made me wonder too, I think you tried to make the wheelchair thingy quite apparent but well, that's not really that much an issue for me, just wanna point that out. Also, when that girl finally dies, for some reason it doesn't really impact me as much when his grandma died, and the protagonist's melancholic life seem to fall apart into kind of bland as it reaches the ending, that is, compared to the beginning parts when he does appear to me as a tragic hero, well just take this for granted, it's just my opinion really.

Overall I find this to be an enjoyable read and I wish you luck for the contest~

My opinion of this story is that it is an embodiment of the contest theme which is a 'special connection' during a particular season that I am unable to suffer. (My lips crack at very cold temperatures) I will not see this as a continuous narrative, rather a collection of events that happened to Luke, our main protagonist. The effort he puts into his art, how his family neglected and loved him, how he was ragged and teased, how he was consoled by others, all in line with the theme of the Winter Contest.

It would work very well as a collection of stories but for the word limit of 2000. I will admit that it was initially difficult to read through this because I thought the story as a continuous narrative. I thought that what Luke did at the start of the story will influence the end of story which I think was not the case. Upon careful reading it appears that the story is made up of different arcs. I wish they could be longer so that I can understand what is happening or if you don't want to waste words, replace dialogue by writing passively, and I was thinking that reading lines like this would make me understand what is happening:



I must also applaud the lack of overdescription in this story. Overdescription is a potential word waster and robs me of the chance to tell the reader about the main plot of the story.

And before I close, these are just my opinions and tastes in writing. I read too much non-fiction to appreciate long passages that are beautifully written to express what is going on in the story.

Thanks, High, for spending some time to read my story. I felt really glad when you said you enjoyed the piece. It feels really rewarding knowing others like my story after spending loads of efforts into it ^^

I can see what you mean. The paragraphs seem to a a very loose connections with each other, don't they? Well, that's because I wanted to tell the story in different timelines, as you can see. I thought I could skip through unimportant details, what happens between those dividing marks, you can imagine what whatever you like.

I haven't noticed that I have used the word "ran off" for a boy who sits on a wheelchair until you point that out! That's purely my fault for not able to use the right word there, I guess I forgot he is a handicap boy sometimes, haha. As for the bullying scene, I can see why you got confused, the part where he "leans and bites", right? I can see why you may think that's impossible for crippled people, but then again, I'm not a crippled person, so I wouldn't know for sure, but I think it's still possible.

And I can see that people who have read my story find the girl is not that convincing, right? I think you got a point there. I guess one of the main reasons is that she doesn't really have a very strong bond with him, huh? I think if I wanted to make her the important role she was supposed to be, I really need some kind of other connection with Luke, right?

And I actually wanted to write just a little more in the end, but then i decided not to. But now I read this again, I really think I should have, I think it would make the ending more, whole.

I appreciate your review very much, High. I'll be sure to be more careful the next time I'm going to write something.




Thanks for the review, Leonard. I get what you're trying to say.

About the "continuous narrative" thingy, I have stated my reasons above, if you didn't read it.

I don't think you didn't get the story at all, but rather confused by some parts, right? It's a shame that I didn't get my idea across to you easily. But you read it several times, which seems like you have, I think you could get almost what I mean, if not all. I do want to write more, but the rules didn't allow me to. I erased a lot of stuffs when I last-checking it, before submitting on the site, be cause I have exceeded the limit by a lot.

Also thanks for the example paragraph. It was a great way to show how to write a paragraph passively, in order to focus more on the story. But it seems like you have missed out on something. First, I have written that Luke is from the prestigious Fakku! family, which mean it was a very rich and powerful family. Perhaps the richest, if that was how I wanted it to be. Secondly, I get what you mean by writing in passive form, but it was my intention to go through such details about the weather and the scenery. I think that would spice up the story, not just a bland story where you can't imagine where is it taking place in at all. Like you said, if I was to write like how you did, you could imagine the situation, but you can't feel the snow, the laughter, the smell of goodness from kitchens and bakeries, don't you think so? That is, in my opinion, is a good trade for some beauty in a sad story ^^



Well, thanks you both for taking to read and comment on my work. Really grateful for it.

If everybody want, I think I will submit a enhanced version of the story after the contest ends, to fully depict the true meaning of the girl XD

Sorry to Leonard you didn't pass the first round, but there's always next time!

For High, good luck to you in the poll, though I doubt you're gonna need it. May good fortune be with the both of us ^^

It took me a good bit of effort, but by the end, I found myself enjoying your work. I think you're improving, and that can only be a good thing.

I do have several concerns, however. The underscores bothered me, I won't lie. I'm not sure I see many works that actually use that formatting, but at the end of the day, it's just a preference. And like High, I felt like while you beat the fact that the main character is bound to a wheelchair, at times, I feel like his motions are too fluid, as High pointed out, like when he is bullied by Marc, or when he 'runs' away fast enough for Ms. Shelly to keep up.

While I think that your lack of describing the setting was a strategic choice so that you could use the space to fill with more plot, I also feel like you tried to fit too much story. The emotional pangs I felt with the main character's grandmother were the peak of the story for me. I felt like I missed out on the connection with the girl, Silviest. Luke notices her every so often, but it may as well have been a story where Luke and Marc become friends at the rate that they were interacting in comparison to the interactions with Luke and Silviest.

It felt like a story that simply needed far more than 2000 words to truly work out. The idea of Silviest having degrading vision was just phenomenal in combination with Luke ability to draw/paint. If the idea was developed further, such as simply having her tripping, or trying to feel her way around, or perhaps having a teacher escort her, I think the idea would have more impact.

Nonetheless, a good plot, and a great twist. Good luck in the poll~

Aaahhh, yes, I can see what you mean, xnine. Seems like everybody didn't quite enjoy the girl part, huh, even though it was supposed to be the center of the story =.= I think a little bit connections to Luke might help making it better. And even though they raise the limit a little bit every contest, I always fell I still need more =.= Guess you can say I have bitten off more than I can chew, huh?

And you said I lack the description of the setting, but I think I have decribed just enough for readers to see the glory of the town when it's almost Christmas.

If everyone agree, I would post a enhanced version of the story after the contest ends.

Really appreciate your thoughts on my entry. And I don't think I'll pass the polls with ease =.= You'll see what I mean if you haven't seen the poll

I can never understand the deal with those underscores and dashes all over...

So, i get the basic premise of this story, and i think it's really awesome! We were all born healthy and normal, i wondered for a time how a disabled person might feel.

As Sora said earlier: "I liked how you closed it with the final painting Luke did, the one with him in a wheelchair beside Silviest. It felt like he finally accepted himself and the girl, the painting he did a final acceptance of them both. "

That's sort of how i felt too. Acceptance is something not many people can come to terms with.

"Luke" reminded me of Skywalker. Too much Star Wars i think...

I was honestly hoping for more interaction between him and the girl, but it was just a one time exchange, and BAM. She died......

That's just SAD. You dropped a bombshell on me X.x! But i get what you were trying to accomplish, and it was well written in that sense, i suppose.

Luke doesn't seem very likeable to me at the beginning, neither was Marc. One sounded like THE stereotype bully and one is just a...Just a sad guy, i think. Running away and not even fighting back in any way. I know he is disabled but can't he at least do something? (which i find funny because if he needs a wheelchair how did he run away?)

Overall, i like this. It got boring at some parts but monotony is to be expected for long stories, and i think the climax and other slightly more emotional moments make up for it. I suppose my only real gripe is the...Ahem, very little interaction between Lukey-boy and Silv.

Otherwise, good job all around, friend. Good luck with the second poll, still have not voted yet...

Vote for me then!

Well, EVERYBODY has issues with the underscores =.= Is it really THAT strange? Haizzz, maybe I'll go back to " " next time...

And the girl too, everybody doesn't like her. I see how you feel. I guess I WILL upload the enhanced version of the piece after the contest is done. I would like to see everyone's thoughts for it, hmmm.

Stereotype, huh? Well, I think sometimes you would want to see something more than plain old and familiar characters types, yeah? But when you think about it, they have become THE stereotypes for a reason, that is they are true no matter where and when you put them in. So I guess I didn't plan to (heck, I didn't even realize it), but they turn out to be stereotypes, and that works out just fine, right?

True story: I think I was thinking of Star Wars when I put the name "Luke" in... Though I like Anakin more!

But boring? BORING? BORING?

Okay, I was just being dramatic, but can you tell me what parts were it?

Well, lastly, thanks for taking some time to read my piece, really appreciate it! But I don't think I stand a chance right now, seeing the result...

Okay, maybe boring was pushing it a little bit. But, well, some parts just felt monotonous to me. Maybe it was just my imagination because i was tired from my examination today, who knows.

Yeah, stereotyping works fine with me, i was actually complimenting you for getting the stereotype right.

Yeah, an enhanced version sounds nice. I was actually also planning a enchanced ver. of my Greatest Gift story, as i'm done with it.

Stand no chance? I thought the same in my poll. As in the words of Kuranari Takeshi-san(from my siggy), "Believing in miracles, it's really important!"

Well, good luck anyhoo

The Greatest Gift? You mean the entry of yours back in the 2011 winter contest? Why did you decide to work on it when it was one year ago already? Not that I'm judging, but rather it seems kinda odd to me. But it was a good story, and I think I like to see how it would turn out. So yeah, looking forward to it.

Why? Actually i had it done a long time ago but i actually entered it in an official contest (which i OBVIOUSLY lost in), and i was scared they would peg it as plagiarism if it was on here. So now that it's good done and past, i thought i might upload it

Oh, I see. But did you put the name Fakku! there? :))))))

No, i changed the name of the protagonist to mine own and the FAKKU Industries became TopNotch industries.

There isn't much for me to add as the previous comments sum it up well (the underscores, flow, etc).
I will say that the line "Eyes that believe in God..." struck me. I'm not quite sure why I like that line. Maybe it's because when most describe eyes in writing, the focus is solely on the color, so it stood out.