Cause he's better than you

I'm not drunk yet.

I feel jelly.

If anything a general survival rate should look like a normal distribution centered around median age, approaching zero as time goes to infinity and to zero (just before ejaculation).

Now that one is considered mildly disturbing.
That aside they missed a step, your supposed to insert a buttplug to reduce embarrassment from any spontaneous waste discharge before the baseball bat anesthetic.