[Winter Contest Entry 2013] Grampa Roberts Funeral

James Calvin was the only friend of Walter Roberts. They attended college together for a year now, got along well, and finally began to considered each other "my friend". When Walter's grandfather died, Walter didn't hesitate to invite James to his ghastly ceremony of a funeral in the middle of December. It was fitting for such a cold season to be accompanied by death and not just Christmas cheer and romance.

Both of them puffing white clouds from the freezing cold, entered through the thick wooden doors of a chapel. Inside was a crowd of people were attending the funeral of dear Grampa Roberts. The air reeked of aging wood and the rancid smell of the elderly. The walls and floor was covered in wood, some stained glass windows showed the cruxification of Jesus Christ, and glued to the altar was a wooden 3'11" figure of a pained Jesus crying blood while nailed to a cross. James saw that figure to be the work of somone very sadistic, but he didn't dare say so.

Everyone inside the chapel was uniformed in black, crying about the old mans' well preserved carcass. James's sight moved to a row of benches, there sat some men, apparenty the olds mans friends, somewhere in their sixties. They were mostly balded with their remaining hairs white as snow. As they walked beside another row, he saw the terrified older tiny wife of Grampa Roberts, Natalie. James recalled seeing her before at Walter's birthday. Her wrinkled hands were grasping tightly a hankerchief while shaking like the devil. Walter's mother, Edna, held her small mother tightly with pursed lips and a costly new handbag just for the occasion, for even at her fathers death, she cared a bit more about her fashion than acting two hours of obligatory mourning. In the middle rows were around twenty employees of his general store, the average Joe's and a Jane. They even brought a few kids with them who were playing on their costly consoles they had forced their minimum-wage parents to buy with just a few tantrums.

People moved up the steps for their turns for two minutes of sucking up to the dead man. Whoever made the audience cry and applaud hardest would be the winner for the prize of everyones favorite person for the rest of the year with a showering of affection. This was all obvious to James, giving the occasional pat on Walter's back to signify his suffering of his friends tragedy, or rather, acting it

The speeches that usually began with "I met him at work..." and "Last year he and I..." were the most boring ones. Meanwhile, nearly all ended with either "I will always remember him" or "I will always love him". Little old Natalie was too much in denial of the reality to climb up the steps and speak beside the remnant of her husband. Edna moved up the stairs and tripped on her high-heel shoes. The embarrassment made her stutter and she began to sound like someone in their final stage of Parkinson. Redfaced, she left as quickly as she came.

Then the old mans employees stumbled along in a neat Native American Indian row for their turn to compliment their ex-boss.
"He was a kind man who made us work as a team,...", started an average Joe.
James resisted the urge to laugh knowing that the following average Joe's would have little to say as the first one used the best few parts for his own speech. Sure enough, the following ones were bland and short.
"He was a good boss..."
"I'll miss him because..."
"He was a great man...", and so on.

Small applauses followed until Walter stepped up to speak. He said something like them, but along his lines came, "He taught me so much and I'm left wanting more. From our first boating trip together to when he showed me his favorite butter candy brand before it closed down... When he held my hand or showed me how to handle bait... I still feel he didn't teach me enough. He had a vibe like he knew the very meaning of life and was merely waiting for one to ask away. I'm left wondering how to be like him, a great man who improved the lives of us all.".

A thunderous applause like no other followed while Walter stepped down, trying to hold his tears from despair. His chin was trembling wildly from grief, but he felt empowered by the crowd as if there were a thousand angels rushing the wind behind his back before he sat down beside James.

Then came the average Jane, "Hello, my name is Margaret. I was his secretary. I know we'll all miss him, some of us more strongly than others. I know he was a great ma-"
"A great man in bed you wench? We all know you slept with him, you filth!", roared little Natalie.

In a matter of seconds, the shocked Jane was pulled of the stage by the average Joe's, for the judges in the crowd did not sympatize her. Afterwords, the coffin was carried away slowly and carefully, supposedly out of respect, but James imagined it must be in case someone tripped and fell.

The crowd relieved their bottoms from the hard wooden beches and went to the cold outside. The children raced to see how deep was the hole the coffin was going to be buried. The burying part soon followed by first lowering the coffin. The dirt had been so hard from the cold that they had to bring new dirt from Grampa Roberts own store so that there wouldn't be a clunky mound over his coffin. Finally, a few yellow roses covered the front of his grave.

James noted that colder than he snow outside were the people's hearts. Few honestly mourned him, and that made him remember that in many decades, he too would die. His thoughts flew towards his desire to be cremated rather than leaving his corpse rotting slowly while occupying a piece of land. When he woke up from his daydream, he noticed Walter eyeing him furiously in a corner as religious songs made the atmosphere mildly lively.

After the band played and the crowd dispersed, Walter came up to him and asked, "Why didn't you cry at the funeral?"
James eyes narrowed on Walter and calmly replied, "Because the only reason they cried was because they were reminded of their own mortality. Nothing else."
Walter turned away in denial to his words and never spoke with him again.

I will repeat what I have said to you in the PM.

I liked it because it contained old and dead people.

I liked it because it was not fantasy and thus easy to relate to, never mind that it felt like a soap opera. Unlike soap operas, you don't need to put up with seeing actors delivering lousy lines and you can distract the reader using writing techniques.

I have been making this point almost to a fault in pretty much every entry that was submitted. It is about making sense of the story by establishing the setting clearly and concisely preferably through short explanations. I believe that was done.

Most importantly, the setting of the story was established well. I knew who the characters are and that we are reading what is going on in the funeral. There is a strong conclusion that hinted that no one was really sad that Roberts died.

There are errors in spelling because it was written using a PS Vita. The organisers, especially Xenon, will be putting our entries under a microscope. Need to correct.

It was short and sweet quite like my entry but far from rambling. I have to tell you that one of the contest winners won with a short and sweet entry.

I liked it but I do not know what others will make it. The comments in my entry is a very strong and stark reminder that people have different tastes. For my entry, it is more about people differing on what is humorous.

ED: I have two questions after reading this. Call it nitpicking if you will.

1. Why say that James was Walter's only friend? Was it to make the fact that they refused to speak to each other after the funeral all the more poignant?

2. Why did Walter demand that James weep for his grandfather's funeral? I think that must be the reason why Walter had so few friends! When I skimmed through it I thought it was Walter who refused to cry at his grandfather's funeral, not James.

I spotted a lot of grammatical errors or misspelled words, but besides that I really enjoy your writing style and the way you create the setting and atmosphere.

This was a good and interesting read and as an extra bonus for me was I somehow kept connecting yer avatar pic to the story, helped the atmosphere even more so. =)

Not everyone socializes much. Yes, Walter probably wanted him to be the "perfect" friend.



Exactly! But James showed no emotion, but feigned them: "gaving the occasional pat on Walter's his back signify his suffering of his friends tragedy, or rather, acting it.". Never is James crying or making an expression of grief.

Jame's line came partially from a reader at sociopathworld.com-
"These people were crying about the dead possum because they were faced with their own mortality.


Thanks a lot. Maybe you'd like to read Mournings Glow or Golden Chark.


Fun fact, it's from an important century-lasting newspaper. The man is a "suspect" of being Jack the Ripper, from Industrial Age London.

Also, could someone give me a word count? I have no idea because PS Vita.

It was short and sweet. Way below the word limit at 1100 words. I have indicated to you through the messages that if I were writing, I would make James disgusted if not angry at Walter for not showing sadness at his grandfather's funeral.

Doesn't make sense. James doesn't care.

Walter wanted to keep a straight face through his sadness out of his character (character as in what you're told to grow as a child). Like when you see someone tell themselves to not cry in a heartwarming/breaking moment. Am I making sense?

I see it more as stoicism. The stiff upper lip. I suppose there was a point in time when showing too much emotion is frowned upon.

This is how I think James being angry at Walter would make sense:

You claim to be very close to your grandfather and your family and yet when one of your loved ones passes on, you seemed as if you couldn't care less. Wouldn't one be angry at such heartlessness?

I think it doesn't make sense for Walter to demand James to be sad. James is not part of the family; he is merely an onlooker. In my part of the world, funerals feel almost festive as groups of people gather and music is played. Friends can be invited and I don't expect them to be sad for someone who is not related to them.

Really liked this opening line. Got me hooked right away.

clutter, and tense-agreement issues.
i feel like what your story needs to be is about people being reminded of their mortality. but it's not. it's about a story about how some kid stopped talking to another kid, and that's not interesting at all.

I disagree. It is about realising that no one in that funeral really cared about the person in the coffin. Associate's entry is one of those that I've enjoyed the most. Short and sweet, proper introduction and conclusion to orientate this reader.

i think its REALLY obvious that no one cared at all. the fact that no one cares at all, including the reader, makes the story exclusive to the writer, and then that begs the question: why publicize this?

At most funerals, one is expected to care for the person in the coffin. The fact that that expectation is betrayed in this story and went all finger pointing and soap opera made it good to read in my opinion.

I cared for the story and the main characters.

Heh, I somewhat I agree with you except I liked how it was done lol. xD

well, having recently visited a grave and attended a funeral before, I could somehow relate to the story and sympathize with the characters, particularly Walter. it really sounds like something actually happened, and the portrayal was so realistic, along with the pretentiousness of the crowd - it was something really piercing so to speak.

even more, because it could be conveyed with simple means, a big plus point to me.

this entry portrayed the ugliness of the humanity, that nobody really cared about the others, that people will eventually die with many people just simply being apathetic, regardless of what they had done when they were alive. it's a nice food of thought, reminding yourself that not everyone's out there actually cared about others.

well done

The easyness for a story to be understood doesn't make it a bad one. I feel frusturated when I can't understand the message of a story easily, I believe the reader wouldn't like it either.


How?


Are you asking why I wrote about it? Anything can be turned into a story. And there is nothing more forced than a funeral.

The story does what it does and does a good job of doing it. If that makes any sense. I'd change the setting from being a cold winter in the middle of December. I feel like you did that just because of the theme of the contest. If so, I don't think it's necessary. The story meets that requirement just fine.

I really liked this story, it felt very human. From my own experience I could relate well to the funeral, though I found some things to be missing. They may be cultural differences, but you seem to skip the entire part about the coffin being carried to the grave – accompanied by the family members; dropping flowers on the coffin before it is buried. Also funerals are usually accompanied with a feast – which is somehow ironic, but that is the point, and something that would have fit well here too.

There are some issues here with sentence structure, punctuation and repetition. I have written a lot about them today already, so excuse if I don’t go into too much detail. If you care, you can look up my other feedback comments.

A more pressing issue are the cases of typing errors (somone = someone, beches = benches, etc.). Apparently this was written with on a Vita – which might explain this. My only suggestion is… don’t write on a Vita. Write on something that is meant for writing.

The narrative perspective seemed sketchy though… I am honestly not quite sure if James or Walter narrated all or some parts. Sentence structure is partly at fault here as it makes for some awkward and confusing sentences.

There are plenty of details, though not too many, and we get enough information about the characters to make our own picture of them. It is a story about two friends, but also about a funeral and about human nature. The pace is pretty constant throughout and nothing feels overly rushed.


Final Thoughts:

I don’t even have much to say in conclusion. The storytelling is fine, only hindered by a few grammatical problems. Some have said it’s not a proper story, but I think it is. Could it be a different story? Yes, it could focus more on James and Walter and their relationship, but it doesn’t really, and that is fine as well. It feels lively and relatable nonetheless and was enjoyable to read.

I have to agree with leonard267 though… I would never expect a stranger to cry for one of my family members. It’s not even uncommon for family members to not cry during the funeral, but rather cry alone at home. This may differ from family to family, but I know mine would not have an issue with that and hasn’t had one so far.

It read like 3rd person to me. It seems to be neither in James nor Walter's point of view. If you have the time, is it alright for you to point out the awkward sentences?

It is obviously a third-person narrator, but you might be right that it is neither James nor Walter's perspective. Parts of the story just felt like that to me, but while rereading I am not so sure.











All of this is of course in third-person, but it actually seems more obvious to me now. The story appears to follow James as he is the only character who's thoughts we see - at least for the most part.

The last quote, as you can see, shows us Walter's thoughts. We don't see the thoughts of the other characters though - hence we do not see their perspectives, only James' and Walters'.

Some awkward sentences:

I didn't know how to explain that better.

The other two examples above were rough as well.