[Winter Contest Entry 2013] Regret

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FGRaptor FAKKU Writer
Regret


Spoiler:
It was the screaming of crows that woke him up that day. Unlike most days there were no traces of the realm of dreams remaining on him; he simply opened his eyes and was awake, his body feeling refreshed and light. In a single motion he sat up and swung his feet of the bed, a small cloud of dust rising as they hit the wooden floor.

Storage crates and barrels filled the other side of the room. He got on his feet and walked to the small oaken dresser at the foot of the bed. With the swiftness of habit he put on his dark blue cotton breeches, shirt and leather apron. He crossed through the door-sized opening in the dividing wall into the other room of the house. On the left were the stove and the pantry and in the middle a small wooden table with two chairs, but he went straight for the front door.

The roofed area outside housed the tools of his trade: the forge, the anvil, the slack tub, the furnace, the grinding stones, –; he had worked them for as long as he could remember, at least before today. He walked through his smithy onto the cobblestone road, lifting his gaze past the roofs of the houses and the towers of St. Marien and the Hammaburg into the sky.

Dark clouds were gathering and overshadowing the morning sun. Moments later the sky broke open and cold waters poured down on him. As the first drop landed on his skin, he remembered everything. His eyes wandered back to his smithy.

“Fiat voluntas tua per manus meas,” he whispered.

With a sly smile on his face he started humming his favourite melody.

He had much work to do.

*****


It had been raining all day and small rivers were running down the sides of the road. Telling the time on days like this was not easy, but the bell recently rung six. Not many customers came to her families’ store today and there was not a soul in sight either. Before she was about to lock the door, she saw that the fires in the blacksmith’s shop were still burning.

The blacksmith was a tall and strong man, always cheerful and kind to everyone. She thought about bringing him a bite to eat, but decided against going out in this weather. She could only make out his shadow against the light, but something was off about it.

She leaned out of the door, careful to stay under the roof, to have a better look. It looked almost as if there was a huge bird spreading its wings behind him. She could hardly believe such a bird existed, let alone be here in the city. She rubbed her eyes, but after she looked again the blacksmith was gone and a murder of crows cawed in the distance.

*****


“We be closin’ now, mate,” he said to the last person sitting at their tables.

The old man – probably in his forties, with bad teeth and scruffy hair, wearing tattered clothes – looked up to him, a broad smile on his face. The man put down his spoon and picked up the bowl in front of him, slurping down the remaining porridge. He waited for him to finish, tapping his foot on the floor.

“Let me help ye out, mate,” he said and grabbed the old man’s arm, escorting him through the large room, filled with a dozen tables and more than double that of chairs.

“Lord bless ye, lad,” the old man said.

“Don’t be mentionin’ it further, mate, fare thee well.”

He pushed the man out the door and closed it behind him, letting out a sigh of resignation. The old man had been as poor as a church mouse. He sat down at the table closest to the entrance and emptied his pockets of today’s loot: Five Pfennige, three leather straps, a claw of a dog or wolf, a handful of rocks – completely worthless, but he thought they might have been ores from the mines – and a book. He couldn’t read, but he would have his fence take a look at it.

“A lousy haul if I ever seen one. Losing your edge, thief?”

He could only agree, but this was not the market after all and snatching valuables was not his main goal.

“Two fine lasses in this shite weather may hardly be a loss,” he said.

The man standing in front of the table grinned – he was a merchant and the owner of the building. Running this business was his idea.

“Those gals had the sweetest expression as I pulled the cutlery out their pockets,” the merchant laughed, sitting down opposite of the pickpocket, “And their squealing when I locked them up was music to the ears.”

“We ain’t be doin’ this for yer amusement,” the pickpocket leaned forward, “Yer overactin’s gonna make folk suspicious.”

“What folk? Nobody misses these ne’er-do-wells, neither the guard nor their fellows. Yer wouldn’t be missed either, ye better watch yer tongue. I don’t pay ye to run yer mouth,” the merchant said with supportive gestures.

“Ain’t payin’ me to shut me mouth either,” the pickpocket leaned back in his chair, raising his hands in defense, “But yer the boss, won’t hear me complainin’ again less there be no more coin.”

“Better not forget that,” the merchant said while standing up, “I’ll be preparing our wares, watch the door, will ye? The slaver should be over soon.”

*****


The old man left the merchant’s house with a content smile on his face. They were always kind to him in there. He had worked the mines since his tenth birthday and now his legs and back were giving out on him. The merchant was preparing food for the weak and the poor, such as himself. God bless him.

He was slowly making his way to his home on the south side of the city, supporting himself with his right hand on the walls of the buildings lining the street. The rain had not let up since morning and he was already drenched.

He only passed by a few houses when a roaring thunder crashed down behind him. His ears were ringing. A heartbeat later an invisible force pushed past him and something heavy hit his left leg, forcing him down on his knees. A dumb pain spread in his leg.

He turned around, unsure what to expect – maybe a piece of the sky itself or a lightning bolt sticking out of the ground – but all he saw was a cloud rising from a crater in front of the merchant’s house where the cobblestone road was supposed to be. Stones were lying all around, some stuck in the surrounding walls.

After a few moments the dust started to settle and he could make out the shadow of a man – a man with huge feathered wings. The shadow turned and he felt a pair of eyes on him; it was a gaze that pierced through him and into his very being. He felt the warmth fading from his body. His vision went blurry. The shadow turned away, abandoning him. Then he was surrounded by darkness.

*****


“What a bloody mess,” his boss, the slaver, said.

The mercenary had seen his share of bloody battles, but they did not compare to this: the wooden door was lying on the floor and the iron hinges were ripped apart, tables and chairs were shattered to pieces, a slashed up body lying in the middle of it, the limbs cut off and lying elsewhere in the room. He and his three fellows had their swords drawn.

He was itching to use his. Protecting the slaver was largely uneventful as most conflicts were resolved simply through their presence. Since the war ended some winters ago they had not been in a real battle, but someone who could rip a door out of its hinges had to put up a good fight.

“Can’t say I’ll miss that thief,” his boss laughed.

The distant painful scream of a man cut his laughter short.

*****


She wanted to get out. She just wanted to run. Take her sister and run. What did they do to deserve this? They only wanted to get some food, but the merchant said they were thieves and he grabbed them and brought them down and locked them up and he is slashing him again and again why is he doing this she wanted to avert her eyes but her body did not respond to her will she had wished the merchant dead but she did not mean for this to happen he was screaming why would this wish come true off all the things she had wished water splashed on the floor and their faces it was red this is not water her breathing was heavy she was shivering –

She closed her eyes trying to slow her breathing. She wanted to believe it was just a dream; just a nightmare. She would just keep her eyes closed and wait for the horrible noises to stop. She knew it had to stop at some point, like every dream does. Then she would wake up and find her sister lying next to her and the sun would be shining and the birds singing. She would gently pat her sister and smile at her and she would smile back and nothing bad would have happened.

She wanted to wake up.

*****


It was a demon.

It was clad in iron plate and had the shape of a man, but he had not seen a man fight like this before. Although it was wearing a sallet and despite the light of the lanterns in the basement, its face was not visible – there was only blackness. It towered over the lifeless bodies of three of his mercenaries, the longsword it was wielding sticking out of the back of the fourth one. It grabbed the mercenary by the shoulder, pushing him down as it pulled its sword out of the collapsing body.

It moved towards him.

The slaver wanted to run, but his legs did not move. He felt the gaze of the demon upon him and rooting him in place. The lights seemed to be swallowed by darkness as the demon came closer.

Then it stood before him.

The black faded and he could see its face.

It was the face of a man; it was a face he could only describe as kind. The man was smiling and humming a melody the slaver had not heard before.

“Deus non miserere animae tuae,” the man spoke.

The voice reverberated through the slaver. More than hearing the words he also felt them. He knew their meaning although the language was unbeknownst to him. There was an unexplainable truth to this man’s words. A moment ago he wanted to run away, but now his fear was fleeting. He wanted to hate this man for what he had done, but the longer he looked at him, the more he felt at ease.

Even as the cold iron pierced his heart he did not feel anger, only regret.



Word Count: 1,858


Notes
Spoiler:
Sorry if my use of Latin offended you, I have never learned it, I only picked some stuff up here and there and build my sentences through that with the help of online dictionaries. Below you can find the translations of the Latin phrases I used and if I translated something wrong then this will show you what I intended to say.

1. Fiat voluntas tua per manus meas, English: Thy will be done by mine hands.

2. Deus non miserere animae tuae, English: God will have no mercy on your soul.


Regarding inspiration:
The idea of a hateful angel was actually inspired by the song “Wenn Engel Hassen” (English: “When Angels Loathe”) by one of my favourite bands, Subway to Sally.
0
Livided FAKKU Writer
Yay you made it! :D

Reading and editing the post when I am done.

Edit: Very well made as I suspected, while not my favorite kind of story, it definitly has holds some of my favorite characters in this contest, very well developed and "alive" conversation. You done a nice job truly sucking me into the experience here. =)
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mibuchiha Fakku Elder
Unlike the above guy, I was not sucked in. I liked it, it was well written and easy to visualize, but other than that, I could not really remember what stood out in this.

Maybe it's just a matter of taste and this not being my kind of story. But the command on the language is something I am somewhat jealous of.
0
Very nice! You switched characters as time progressed to stay where the action was. It was very pleasant to read and kept me sucked in. Good luck in the contest!
0
I don't understand what happened in the end. Did the blacksmith/crow man use some kind of magic on the slaver?
0
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
I will say that it reads astonishingly like d(^_^)(^_^)d's entry, where a list of separate events are compiled in one entry, leaving the reader to guess what had happened.

It was well written, grammatically of course, however I have difficulty figuring out who were the actors and what was happening exactly. If they can be made clear, all the better. It was all made in the thick of the action, with the possible exception of the blacksmith getting up in the morning.

My pet advice, delivered to you in the most arrogant and obnoxious fashion --
Write a few sentences that indicated what was going on?

Perhaps d or you can enlighten me on this writing style and its origins. It reads like a mystery novel or a role-play novel where important details are intentionally left out.

The last paragraph caught my eye. I am not sure what is happening but I am thinking of parodying your entry with the main character as a demon slayer of sorts. Would that be okay?
1
FGRaptor FAKKU Writer
leonard267 wrote...
Perhaps d or you can enlighten me on this writing style and its origins. It reads like a mystery novel or a role-play novel where important details are intentionally left out.


It's the "alternating person view" in which the narrators switch in certain intervals. It is used in most novels actually, where you often find the prologue to be narrated by someone other than the protagonist, and sometimes other characters or the villain will narrate parts.

I'm not sure about the origins, but it might stem from the epistolary narrative which was made famous by Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. The story is told through letters or documents of different characters.

leonard267 wrote...
The last paragraph caught my eye. I am not sure what is happening but I am thinking of parodying your entry with the main character as a demon slayer of sorts. Would that be okay?


Go ahead, I'd be interested in reading that.

d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
I don't understand what happened in the end. Did the blacksmith/crow man use some kind of magic on the slaver?


leonard267 wrote...
My pet advice, delivered to you in the most arrogant and obnoxious fashion --
Write a few sentences that indicated what was going on?


I wasn't sure if there were enough hints, but in my head it felt like there were - guess that wasn't the case. I have failed~~~

I will explain each character's part in spoilers below, so you can choose which to read and which not to read. I’ll try to keep each explanation short and just give a sort of quick summary of what happens.

The Blacksmith
Spoiler:
You are not supposed to find out a lot here. This is mainly to introduce the protagonist and let the reader know of his profession as a blacksmith and the setting as a medieval city. This morning he woke up with a new and previously unknown purpose. He remembers everything, which indicates that he had previously forgotten all he knew, he seems to speak Latin and he appears to be carrying out someone’s orders.

Trivia: St. Marien was a medieval church in my hometown of Hamburg, and the Hammaburg is the castle that ended up giving the city its name.


The Store Woman
Spoiler:
It is explained that it’s still the same day, but it’s now past six in the evening. We find out that the blacksmith has been working till now and that he is seen as kind. His shadow seems to have wings and he disappears into thin air.


The Pickpocket
Spoiler:
We find out that a pickpocket and a merchant run a business; people seem to come to eat here. The pickpocket steals from them and they also seem to frame people to accuse them of stealing, then they are locked up and sold to a slaver.


The Old Man
Spoiler:
Confirmation that the merchant feeds the poor and weak, though we know this is a front to run his slave business as nobody misses these misfits. Someone seems to fall from the sky and he has wings, his presence also seems to affect the old man.


The Mercenary
Spoiler:
This is to show that the pickpocket was killed in a horrible manner and whoever did it seems to have unnatural strength and inhuman brutality.


The Slave Girl
Spoiler:
We get confirmation that the girls were framed and locked up by the merchant. Someone is killing the merchant before their eyes.


The Slaver
Spoiler:
We see the murderer take care of the mercenaries and finally the slaver. We can assume the murderer is the same we saw before. The murderer is, of course, the blacksmith. He worked all day on the armour and the sword in his smithy. He disappeared – flying into the air – then crashed down at the merchant’s house. He speaks Latin and he seems to have wings, his presence also seems to affect people.

Although the blacksmith seems to be consumed by hate and a being of cold and shadow, when up close you can still see his kind face which also seems to affect you. The slaver regrets his evil doings in the end.


If you want to know what exactly the blacksmith is or just confirm your suspicion, see the spoiler below.

Spoiler:
He is a fallen angel. His orders come from the sky – heaven. Latin is used to signify his closeness to god (a bit clichéd admittedly) and in the end he even says that god won’t have mercy. He was ordered by god to take care of these sinners (the pickpocket, the merchant, and the slaver) and in an attempt to regain gods favour he took care of them, fueled by hate for their actions.


Regarding inspiration:

Spoiler:
The idea of a hateful angel was actually inspired by the song “Wenn Engel Hassen” (English: “When Angels Loathe”) by one of my favourite bands, Subway to Sally.
2
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
FGRaptor as promised, a parody of your entry.

Parody of FGRaptor's Entry: "I Really Regret That, I Won't Do It Again I Promise!"


When I realised that your entry was about demon slaying and use of foreign and (dead) languages, I already had an idea of how my parody would begin, develop and end. Here it is:

This tale is set in a world where good things are caused by welcome visitations of angels and bad things are caused by not-so-welcome visitations by demons. Should the reader want a proper description of what angels and demons are and how they look like, let him think of the almost extinct good Samaritan that you will never meet and that bloody bugger responsible for the bad things in their lives that they will almost always meet. Angels are extremely hard to find or locate, while every now and then a demon gets burnt on a stake.

Their powers are incantations, singing, reading, prayer, chanting and other ear-jarring vibrations originating from the larynx. Unlike the real world though, the sounds made by these supernatural creatures were the source of their power. Good things happen when an angel talks. Bad things happen when a demon squawks.

Come to think of it, this world is no different from how our ancestors thought our world functioned. In such a world, expect technology to be backward, mortality rates to be high, superstition to be rife, plenty of incentive for procreation, huge disincentives for innovation, and other things that made living half a millennium ago a living nightmare.

Indeed, this story takes place in that liveliest of towns and a reputable centre of commerce which would be viewed today as a collection of hovels with no electricity, no sanitation and no life. The blacksmiths, the merchants, the paupers, the slave drivers, the slaves, the professional murderers (also known as mercenaries) are all happy and content making an honest living, something that the urbanite of our time and place would find rather horrifying.

However, their peace was to be disturbed and their way of life disrupted. Leonard the demon had his sights on that town. What struck dread into the hearts of these honest and down to earth bumpkins in that town was not Leonard's prowess to level cities and summon storms but his ability to strike fear and madness through his constant whining and moaning, his horrible voice and his ability to destroy and denigrate great works of culture like prose, prose and more prose.

A force of arms was no use, attempting to burn him on a stake was no use for his weapon was his voice and the written word. One glance of the words he had written, one moment of listening to his fell voice would render any living being grovelling on the ground crying with their ears and eyes bleeding crying, "Mercy! Mercy!"

So, it was no surprise that nary a soul was outdoors when the demon Leonard arrived at the townsquare. Doors were locked, windows were closed, medieval and ineffective soundproofing devices like dried droppings and bird saliva lined the buildings. Every attempt to block light into entering the retinas of those townsfolk were made.

However, Leonard the demon had a very loud voice and his ability to threaten and harass the townsfolk with it was unparalleled in that mortal plane of existence. Slowly but surely, the townsfolk came streaming into the townsquare in a trance. That was when the evil Leonard made his move.

He summoned a patch of grass and two familiars, one thin, the other fat, both very ugly. Sinister music begun to play out of thin air. It sounded like some plucked instrument, played very furiously. The music looped and looped and looped without end. Anyone who heard it suddenly realised that they were backward country bumpkins and their hearts sank. To make matters worse, the two familiars begun squawking.

What proceeded was so terrible that only a video recreating that scene could do it justice:



Everyone who heard and saw that disgusting and fell performance begun foaming in the mouth, their grasp on their faculties of reason severely compromised. No one could sit through that entire performance! Such was the power of their fell incantations!

As the music ceased and the chanting stopped, the demon conjured and unfurled a large banner, spanning several feet that contained the following lithographs:

在场观众 敬请听,
小弟感激 很感激!
既然曲子 受欢迎,
不妨再听 好好听!


Though no one knew what it meant, it made an unhappy situation even unhappier for these lithographs filled the hearts of those reading it with confusion and dread. To make matters worse, the demon started to produce vibrations from his vocal chords. Of which a recording can be found by clicking this link:

http://vocaroo.com/i/s03Phg0Pt0LO

"The end is nigh! The end is nigh!"

These were the thoughts of those who managed to survive that onslaught of ear-shattering noises. Indeed, it seemed as if social order, the way of life and civilisation itself were thrown into ruin, when a towering figure stood up defiantly, hammer in hand.

Many a time good things meant the end of bad things happening. This was the call and duty of angels, to destroy utterly the evil works of troublemaking demons and dispatching them in whatever way they thought appropriate.

That towering man was no ordinary man and the hammer was no ordinary hammer. For he is an angel and he is armed with the greatest of all hammers known as the 'Banhammer'.

The Banhammer was the perfect embodiment of fear. Not the fear that Leonard struck but the fear of God. As if in challenge to the lithographs, the angel, wielder of the Banhammer, with a wave of a hand produced words that were in mid-air, shining and shimmering.

Do NOT create any threads in any other language other than English
- [Update by Gambler] In addition, please refrain from posting in languages apart from English.


This instruction can be found in the following link:
https://www.fakku.net/forums/feedback-suggestions-and-support/rules-and-faq

All of a sudden and in a flash, the angel swung the Banhammer as hard as he could in the direction of Leonard the demon. After a while, nothing but smoke and ashes remained on the spot where the demon stood. It was that his last words were, "I really regret that, I won't do it again I promise!"

There was utter jubilation! Everyone who was afflicted from the demon's evil recovered on the spot. Parties, revelry and festivals begun, lasting for seven and seven nights. The anniversary of the day where Leonard the demon fell was commemorated for ages to come.

Truly, this is a story where good triumphs and evil fails but what is the moral of the story?

Do NOT create any threads in any other language other than English
- [Update by Gambler] In addition, please refrain from posting in languages apart from English.


1
FGRaptor FAKKU Writer
sora_coltrane wrote...
The first scene introducing the smithy came across as ordinary to me. Only after I read the quick summary for him that I realized he woke up one day internally warped into the fallen angel. I liked this concept very much and when I reread it again I definitely started to see all the sentences that built this up.

Without the the hateful angel concept in my head during the first read through, the second scene didn't hold any significance for me either. After finishing the first read, I found myself agreeing to what mibuchiha said about not being sucked in storywise. The second read came across very different when I started to see all the subtle details. It really added more depth, the crow caw and figure in the rain from third person pov.

The way the sentence opened for the third lead me to believe it was a bar and I was lost as to where they were. Only the scene after that made me realized what it was about.


Subtlety seems to be my forte. I thought I had added enough hints to make everything come together in the end, but it appears I left it to be too cryptic. While I really appreciate subtle hints and actually find it nice to not be able to make much sense with only one read through, I do consider it a failure.

I planned to have another paragraph from the blacksmith's PoV in the end to explain things and sum everything up. It would have made the story go full circle, but then I decided I didn't want to have any PoV more than once and figured the details were enough. I will strive to explain things better and have more satisfying conclusions.

sora_coltrane wrote...
This was one of the strongest paragraphs that hooked me during the first read through. I'm amazed by how you pulled off this technique. The tension building up flowed very well.


I'm glad you liked it, it is probably one of my favourites as well.

sora_coltrane wrote...
I especially thought this detail was superb, but it didn't came through to me. I saw it after I went to see the short summary. The comment above was more on the impression that it was interesting that fallen angels still look the same like the ones in heaven, the damnation and all.

I think I liked the piece more especially after I went through the author's notes. Without it, I believe I missed out a lot of the depth that it intended to get across. The concept is really dark!

Good job! All the best for the polls.


Again: glad you liked it. I will focus more on explaining things properly in the future. Thanks for your good luck wish.


I also seem to have forgotten to respond to everyone else, but since my feedback writing marathon is over I have no excuse to not do so now.

Livided wrote...
Edit: Very well made as I suspected, while not my favorite kind of story, it definitly has holds some of my favorite characters in this contest, very well developed and "alive" conversation. You done a nice job truly sucking me into the experience here. =)


I'm glad you liked the characters, it was a ballsy call to have so many characters in only 2000 words, so I'm glad something stuck. The dialogue went over a few iterations, so I'm glad that worked well too.

mibuchiha wrote...
Unlike the above guy, I was not sucked in. I liked it, it was well written and easy to visualize, but other than that, I could not really remember what stood out in this.

Maybe it's just a matter of taste and this not being my kind of story. But the command on the language is something I am somewhat jealous of.


This probably ties in with my lack of explaining things. I will definitely try and improve upon that. Thanks for your kind words about the writing though, I am glad it was easy enough to read. Let's hope I can improve my storytelling enough to suck you in one day too.

HumbugsAssociate wrote...
Very nice! You switched characters as time progressed to stay where the action was. It was very pleasant to read and kept me sucked in. Good luck in the contest!


Glad you liked it too. Staying with the action was one purpose, but I also wanted the added mystery of having different characters explain the events. Thanks for the good luck wish.


And last but not least, the dreaded parody.

leonard267 wrote...
The Banhammer


I enjoyed the read, it undeniably had your style. You have a somehow dry way of telling things, but you do manage to tie in so many things - real life, the forum itself, and new ideas - and you make them work together. Again I find your use of other media and text tools commendable. I actually smiled throughout reading it and the music and video really worked with your description.

The Banhammer Angel is an intriguing idea, but I have to admit you scared me for a moment. It's been a year since I read the rules and I didn't even remember the language part. I thought for a moment it was in the writing section rules - which I reread recently - but thank god it was not. Seeing how I wasn't disqualified or banned yet, I assume it is acceptable to do for fiction - at least in moderation.

Overall: well done parody.
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leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
FGRaptor wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
The Banhammer


I enjoyed the read, it undeniably had your style. You have a somehow dry way of telling things, but you do manage to tie in so many things - real life, the forum itself, and new ideas - and you make them work together. Again I find your use of other media and text tools commendable. I actually smiled throughout reading it and the music and video really worked with your description.

The Banhammer Angel is an intriguing idea, but I have to admit you scared me for a moment. It's been a year since I read the rules and I didn't even remember the language part. I thought for a moment it was in the writing section rules - which I reread recently - but thank god it was not. Seeing how I wasn't disqualified or banned yet, I assume it is acceptable to do for fiction - at least in moderation.

Overall: well done parody.


Indeed, I am guilty of using foreign languages in that piece of work as well. Luckily, the moderators rarely intervene in the Writing Section. Even if they read your entry and my parody of it, I don't think they will accuse us of communicating with each other with Latin or Mandarin.

I spotted plenty of grammatical errors though in my work. May polish it sometime in the future.

But I really hoped you enjoyed that video.
1
Great read. I think I will definitely be a front-runner.

I find it was absorbing, but only after you fully understand what is happening, which also means readers would not see the intriguing side of the story in the first read-through and your explanation above.

The setting and the timeline of the story were constructed well. The theme worked out fine, knowing the story was set in medieval time, when human still believed in gods and angels. The author, which is you, knows what they was doing, making sure they has depicted important details to give the readers enough in order to help the readers imagine the scenes of the actions. On the other hand, it held out enough information to make it interesting, thus creating a touch of mystery to it. It was not as vague as mine, which I guess is a plus?

The "They only wanted to get some food, but the merchant said they were thieves and he grabbed them and brought them down and locked them up and he is slashing him again and again why is he doing this she wanted to avert her eyes but her body did not respond to her will she had wished the merchant dead but she did not mean for this to happen he was screaming why would this wish come true off all the things she had wished water splashed on the floor and their faces it was red this is not water her breathing was heavy she was shivering –" part, in the first read, I was like “wtf? Is this guy’s full stop key broken or something?”, but after I read sora_coltrane’s comment, I want to ask if it was really a writing technique, because I have not seen any writing with that technique included, yours is the first. I guess its function is to make the flow of the story speed up when the character is in a dire situation.

Although leonard267 have said your writing was spot-on in grammar, I did find some grammatical and use of English errors when I was reading it. It was most notable in the first paragraph, I would say. Here’s some examples:

…no traces of the realm of dreams remaining in him
… swung his feet off the bed, a small puff of dust rising as they hit the wooden floor.
… water splashed on the floor and their faces this was not water…

During my first read-through, while I said it was easy to imagine what is happening, I still had difficult visioning some scenes, mostly in the first part of the story, when you were introducing the characters and story. You kept changing the perspective of irrelevant characters and places when the story was yet to come together, making it kinda hard for me to keep up with the flow of the story, but maybe it’s just because I’m not used to the way of writing yet.

I had some questions regarding the blacksmith as well. You said he was a fallen angel, but he owned a house, so that means he had been living in the town for a long time? That leads to the question why he didn’t slaughter all of them earlier. Also, I’m curious about the background of that guy. The orders were given to him from heaven when he was still a “good” angel, then what made him “fallen”? Was it the deeds of the men or his own actions that resulted in his current situation?

Final comments:
In spite of all the things I have pointed out, I think you have done a phenomenal job in crafting this story. I think I have yet to learn a thing or two from you. The story overall made me felt like I was watching a horror movie where one guy goes around and kill people. I actually feel bad for saying this, but like most horror movies, it was good entertainment, but don’t actually leave any feel-good impression or have a real meaning behind it. I guess it could be that bad people will be punished, but the story didn’t have that much that goes into the subject. However, I guess what matters in this contest is how we write the stories, and I would say you wrote really well. So don’t get me wrong, it was great.

I wish you good luck in the poll, but not too much because I’m in it too :D
0
Livided FAKKU Writer
Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
Great read. I think I will definitely be a front-runner


Woa, proclaming your own chances at someone elses work, you must indeed be confident about yer chances. xD

... Or just a typo. ^^
0
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
Livided wrote...
Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
Great read. I think I will definitely be a front-runner


Woa, proclaming your own chances at someone elses work, you must indeed be confident about yer chances. xD

... Or just a typo. ^^


Don't say that Livided. One must be confident about one's work, surely?
0
FGRaptor FAKKU Writer
leonard267 wrote...
[...] But I really hoped you enjoyed that video.


I did indeed.

Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
[...] in the first read, I was like “wtf? Is this guy’s full stop key broken or something?”, but after I read sora_coltrane’s comment, I want to ask if it was really a writing technique, because I have not seen any writing with that technique included, yours is the first. I guess its function is to make the flow of the story speed up when the character is in a dire situation.


My full stop key is working just fine, see: ...
It was indeed a conscious decision to do this. She is panicking and I tried to show this by having her thoughts go haywire, connecting to each other instead of being separated, as she is in a state of panic. She tries to calm herself in the second paragraph (taking a deep breath) and slowly manages to calm down as she is imagining happier times.

You could call that narrative voice stream of consciousness. In retrospect I could have done better by having it in first-person instead of third-person, probably... but I didn't want to switch to first-person for just one paragraph. You probably won't see a sudden switch of narrative mode like this in most larger works, simply because it can be jarring for the readers, but it can be done, and I remember it being done (I could not tell you the book though). Nothing is stopping you from changing narrative voices or perspectives in your work, except maybe your publisher if you have one and need to conform to their conventions.

Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
Although leonard267 have said your writing was spot-on in grammar, I did find some grammatical and use of English errors when I was reading it. It was most notable in the first paragraph, I would say. Here’s some examples:

…no traces of the realm of dreams remaining in him
… swung his feet off the bed, a small puff of dust rising as they hit the wooden floor.
… water splashed on the floor and their faces this was not water…


It is difficult to ever be free of them, I have not read a single published novel without finding a few dozen mistakes, and I'm certainly not free of it either.

I would defend my choice of words and stick with "on him" instead of "in him"; like a weight you are carrying on you, not something you feel in you - that is what I feel the 'heavy feeling' you sometimes have when waking up is like.

I would also defend "cloud" over "puff" when used in conjunction with dust.

The last one I cannot defend, that is indeed a mistake.

Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
I had some questions regarding the blacksmith as well. You said he was a fallen angel, but he owned a house, so that means he had been living in the town for a long time? That leads to the question why he didn’t slaughter all of them earlier. Also, I’m curious about the background of that guy. The orders were given to him from heaven when he was still a “good” angel, then what made him “fallen”? Was it the deeds of the men or his own actions that resulted in his current situation?


Spoiler:
He is a fallen angel, throughout the story and 'before' then. He was expelled from heaven and stripped of his powers and knowledge, only a hint of his angelic aura remaining on him. He basically had amnesia. He started living as a human, eventually ending up in this city as a blacksmith.

For one reason or another on this day god spoke to him again and awoke his dormant powers and knowledge. He was given the task of judging these sinners in an effort to redeem himself and regain the grace of god.


Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
I wish you good luck in the poll, but not too much because I’m in it too :D


Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. I have already heard from different people that it was too cryptic, and I will try and explain things better in the future. I don't dislike the idea that you do not get everything on just the first read through, but there should be enough to have you wanting more, so I will work on that.
1
Livided wrote...
Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
Great read. I think I will definitely be a front-runner


Woa, proclaming your own chances at someone elses work, you must indeed be confident about yer chances. xD

... Or just a typo. ^^


OMFG. Why would I go around the forum and scream I will win in every entry? LOL. What I meant to say was "I think it will definitely be a front-runner." - as in, FGRaptor's work. LOL. Funny how that happened after I just read a funny post about stupid embarrassing moments because of phones' auto-correct function.

Sorry about that, FGRaptor. Hope you didn't think I was some cocky little ass, LOL. To be honest, as a competing author, I would not say that, but it came from me as a reader.

FGRaptor wrote...
Spoiler:
My full stop key is working just fine, see: ...
It was indeed a conscious decision to do this. She is panicking and I tried to show this by having her thoughts go haywire, connecting to each other instead of being separated, as she is in a state of panic. She tries to calm herself in the second paragraph (taking a deep breath) and slowly manages to calm down as she is imagining happier times.

You could call that narrative voice stream of consciousness. In retrospect I could have done better by having it in first-person instead of third-person, probably... but I didn't want to switch to first-person for just one paragraph. You probably won't see a sudden switch of narrative mode like this in most larger works, simply because it can be jarring for the readers, but it can be done, and I remember it being done (I could not tell you the book though). Nothing is stopping you from changing narrative voices or perspectives in your work, except maybe your publisher if you have one and need to conform to their conventions.


Yea, I know yours works just fine, I was just being sarcastic. ^^. But seriously, where did you learn that kind of technique, because I haven't read a story that has it or have even heard of it before?

I always try not to change the perspective of the narrator when I work, because as you have said it yourself, it will be a strain on the readers' eyes. It's true that it is not seen as had not been used before, but I think it's better not to, especially in smaller works.

FGRaptor wrote...
Spoiler:
It is difficult to ever be free of them, I have not read a single published novel without finding a few dozen mistakes, and I'm certainly not free of it either.

I would defend my choice of words and stick with "on him" instead of "in him"; like a weight you are carrying on you, not something you feel in you - that is what I feel the 'heavy feeling' you sometimes have when waking up is like.

I would also defend "cloud" over "puff" when used in conjunction with dust.

The last one I cannot defend, that is indeed a mistake.


I would have done them otherwise, but I will respect the author's choices.

FGRaptor wrote...
Spoiler:
He is a fallen angel, throughout the story and 'before' then. He was expelled from heaven and stripped of his powers and knowledge, only a hint of his angelic aura remaining on him. He basically had amnesia. He started living as a human, eventually ending up in this city as a blacksmith.

For one reason or another on this day god spoke to him again and awoke his dormant powers and knowledge. He was given the task of judging these sinners in an effort to redeem himself and regain the grace of god.


Fair enough, but I'm sure it would not occur to the readers right away after the readers read them several times

FGRaptor wrote...
Spoiler:
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. I have already heard from different people that it was too cryptic, and I will try and explain things better in the future. I don't dislike the idea that you do not get everything on just the first read through, but there should be enough to have you wanting more, so I will work on that.


I hope you will. Also, I have left you some notes in my entry which contain some questions regarding my work. If you have the time, go back and answer some of them, it would help me lots. Thanks.
0
Livided FAKKU Writer
Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
Livided wrote...
Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
Great read. I think I will definitely be a front-runner


Woa, proclaming your own chances at someone elses work, you must indeed be confident about yer chances. xD

... Or just a typo. ^^


OMFG. Why would I go around the forum and scream I will win in every entry? LOL. What I meant to say was "I think it will definitely be a front-runner." - as in, FGRaptor's work. LOL. Funny how that happened after I just read a funny post about stupid embarrassing moments because of phones' auto-correct function.

Sorry about that, FGRaptor. Hope you didn't think I was some cocky little ass, LOL. To be honest, as a competing author, I would not say that, but it came from me as a reader.


I think everyone figured it was a typo m8, just looked funny. ^^
0
FGRaptor FAKKU Writer
I figured it was a typo, don't worry.

If it hadn't been I had plan C prepared...

Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
Yea, I know yours works just fine, I was just being sarcastic. ^^. But seriously, where did you learn that kind of technique, because I haven't read a story that has it or have even heard of it before?

I always try not to change the perspective of the narrator when I work, because as you have said it yourself, it will be a strain on the readers' eyes. It's true that it is not seen as had not been used before, but I think it's better not to, especially in smaller works.


I think it works better in smaller works than in longer ones, but stylistic choices are always were opinions diverge.

I have a bachelor degree in Games Design & Creative Writing, I picked up a lot of things there.

Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
[...] Also, I have left you some notes in my entry which contain some questions regarding my work. If you have the time, go back and answer some of them, it would help me lots. Thanks.


Not sure I saw that, I will have a look.
2
xninebreaker FAKKU Writer
Damn, perspective swapping done with grace! I was skeptical at first at how all of the swaping would work out, but somehow you manage to tie much, if not all of the narratives together nicely. The story is well written, and I didn't have any problems understanding it. Though, I do question what triggers this fallen angel to activate. I mean it's been a blacksmith for a considerable amount of time I am assuming and these events are not only 'normal' as it would seem, but its awakening is prior to the events that would be deemed sinful.

I dunno, it just irks me that he just wakes up and activates without a trigger. Or without him actually witnessing the event and going, "That's the last straw, humanity is hopeless! Time to slay them."

Also, at the very end, the narrative states that the slaver felt at 'ease' which seems to contradict the regret that immediately follows. To feel at ease is to feel salvation. To feel regret is to curse oneself for not being able to receive the salvation that is upon him. Or maybe he is regretting having sinned, which he knows to have lead to his death. Either way, I feel like there may have been a better word for such a critical scene.

FGRaptor wrote...
It was indeed a conscious decision to do this. She is panicking and I tried to show this by having her thoughts go haywire, connecting to each other instead of being separated, as she is in a state of panic. She tries to calm herself in the second paragraph (taking a deep breath) and slowly manages to calm down as she is imagining happier times.

You could call that narrative voice stream of consciousness. In retrospect I could have done better by having it in first-person instead of third-person, probably... but I didn't want to switch to first-person for just one paragraph. You probably won't see a sudden switch of narrative mode like this in most larger works, simply because it can be jarring for the readers, but it can be done, and I remember it being done (I could not tell you the book though). Nothing is stopping you from changing narrative voices or perspectives in your work, except maybe your publisher if you have one and need to conform to their conventions.


Nooooooooooo, I cringed. I knew what you wanted and at the same time I saw the dilemma. Personally I would've scrapped the stream of consciousness as I don't think that is something that should be leaking into a 3rd person perspective. I think that's native to first person as it is quite literally their running thoughts. Ah well, to each their own.

Overall, I have little complaints. Maybe you could've cut some characters, maybe you could've developed characters more, but I thought it was a nice read.
0
FGRaptor FAKKU Writer
xninebreaker wrote...
Damn, perspective swapping done with grace! I was skeptical at first at how all of the swaping would work out, but somehow you manage to tie much, if not all of the narratives together nicely. The story is well written, and I didn't have any problems understanding it. Though, I do question what triggers this fallen angel to activate. I mean it's been a blacksmith for a considerable amount of time I am assuming and these events are not only 'normal' as it would seem, but its awakening is prior to the events that would be deemed sinful.

I dunno, it just irks me that he just wakes up and activates without a trigger. Or without him actually witnessing the event and going, "That's the last straw, humanity is hopeless! Time to slay them."


Glad you enjoyed it. The events regarding his "activation" as you call it are indeed unknown. So far I don't think anyone has said it had taken away from the story, and I don't think the exact reason has to be here. This is not the story about why he was triggered, but the story about him being triggered. The reasons behind it could be explained in another story. I don't yet have plans to expand on it though, maybe if there is demand.

xninebreaker wrote...
Also, at the very end, the narrative states that the slaver felt at 'ease' which seems to contradict the regret that immediately follows. To feel at ease is to feel salvation. To feel regret is to curse oneself for not being able to receive the salvation that is upon him. Or maybe he is regretting having sinned, which he knows to have lead to his death. Either way, I feel like there may have been a better word for such a critical scene.


Upon rereading it, I agree. It seems a little contradictory and I probably could have found a better word than "at ease". What I meant to say was not that he felt salvation, but rather that he calmed down.

xninebreaker wrote...
Nooooooooooo, I cringed. I knew what you wanted and at the same time I saw the dilemma. Personally I would've scrapped the stream of consciousness as I don't think that is something that should be leaking into a 3rd person perspective. I think that's native to first person as it is quite literally their running thoughts. Ah well, to each their own.


To each their own indeed. I do think it enhances the story, but I also see the problems with it. It was the first time I used it in such a way, so it was part and experiment. I have learned from it both through writing it and through the feedback on it I got.

xninebreaker wrote...
Overall, I have little complaints. Maybe you could've cut some characters, maybe you could've developed characters more, but I thought it was a nice read.


Yes, it was borderline I think. Thanks for reading it.
2
the writing was really pleasant to read, I began to think, yeah people could write things straightforward without using so many metaphorical stuff and experimentation and still could produce a well-written work =)

maybe it's because of my lack of language comprehension and English is not my first language - that I kind of lost about what's going on within the story. about why the demon suddenly appeared, and how does it relate to the scenes at the beginning? I also kind of confused about the man's occupation - was he a blacksmith, or was the blacksmith a woman? was the man a chef? what happened in the backgrounds? what was going on in general?

regardless of that, I think I could learn a lot from your writings. how it has a delivery that makes the scenery easy to understand.

last but not least, congratulations for your win. I think it's a well-deserving win and I applaud you for that.
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