It's a somewhat complicated story in my opinion.
I went to a maths tutor back in year 9 with 3 of my friends and we mucked around here and there. There was a girl who I never really talked to or noticed much there, but after maybe a few weeks I was added on Facebook by her. Her cousin was in my grade who I knew back in year 2 and split off once year 3 started.
Being one of those people who can't really handle girls that well, I chatted with her feeling happy that a girl had shown interest in me. As the weeks went by, we started chatting everyday on MSN and Facebook. Though I soon realised that I didn't need a relationship.
I would be playing Facebook games on an old laptop and whenever I received a message, it would lag the hell out of the laptop to the point where the window wouldn't respond. I was a bit annoyed so sometimes I would appear offline for Facebook. She would then start making up random lines on MSN claiming that today was an "I Love You Day" where you say that to a person.
This was going too fast in my opinion. I was happy to have a girl chase after me, but I didn't feel any chemistry or enough chemistry with her. She wasn't unattractive in my standards, she was cute, but I just didn't feel anything. Being bombarded with messages everyday I came home from school, sometimes I appeared offline on MSN to avoid her.
To an outsider, a cute girl doting on you would seem like a dream come true, but what if you didn't like that person in a romantic way? It's hell especially when you're awkward with girls and have trouble saying "no" or showing disinterest publicly. It got to the point where she started messaging me asking if I liked her or not. I wasn't sure what to tell her. I was considerate of her feelings. If I said no, she would be depressed, but if I said yes, I would be lying to her. It was a lose-lose situation. I didn't reply to her, but talked to her normally.
One of my friends who is a peverted skirt chaser started talking to her. She went to an all girls school so being acquainted with my friends who were pretty much all guys was fun for her. But her messages started to mention my friend a bit. That he was funny and good company I think. An itch I couldn't get rid of appeared. Jealousy had struck me. My friend wasn't exactly good looking, or smart, he was just a pervert who liked looking at girls. Shows how much MSN can twist a person's identity.
I never really talked to girls and to have one fawn over me, I didn't want that taken away. I asked her out due to jealousy. But I don't think she knew about that. This was all done online. For shame I say. I was new to dating. Too embarrassed at my own incompetency, I asked her out to a movie and brought 3 of my friends and she brought 3 of her friends. We watched the movie quietly and went to eat at the food court. We never really chatted with her friends, it was pretty awkward.
At the end when we walked back to the station, I walked beside her and said "You look pretty today" to which she replied "Thanks while smiling". I didn't feel nervous. I didn't stumble my words. The compliment was just something for the sake of it. I really tried to like her, to develop feelings for her. But I just couldn't. Then another event happened.
It was meant to be a guy only outing. Meet up with the boys, go eat some food and chat. But my perverted friend invited his girlfriend, god knows how he got one, and my other friend brought his one too. The other two couples were mutually in "love" as one would say. They held hands and I felt obliged to hold hands with my girlfriend at the time. It wasn't something I wanted to do, but I tried not to show it. We ate our food without much fuss and at the end, I gave her a very awkward farewell hug. There were times she offered to buy me gifts, but I didn't want anything. I didn't want to use her or leech of her.
I heard from my friends that she crushed on my other 2 friends really hard before coming onto me. It screwed up my feeling for her a tad bit. It can't be helped though, I was crushing on girls as well, not publicly though.
Nothing clicked. I didn't know what to do. So I avoided her. I ran away from the problem. And it caught up to me. Phonecalls from her friends, texts from her, messages from her. I didn't know what to do. It was more cruel this way. To ask her out and let her suffer heaps instead of rejecting her at first and letting her get over me. I was sick of it all. Sick of my cowardice. I sent her a text. A text detailing how much of an asshole I was. That it was all my fault. That I was a pathetic excuse for a human. That I couldn't be forgiven for what I did.
I still met her at tutor, but it was hard. We chatted now and then on MSN. A week after our sorry excuse for a breakup she dated another guy at tutor. The rebound. She talked about him on MSN. He was funny, the perfect guy. and after 2 weeks she was tired of him. Praises turned to complaints. "He wants to kiss already, it's so fast" I never kissed her. What she was feeling now dating him was what I was feeling dating her. But I kept my mouth shut. I didn't have any right to speak out of turn.
And she broke up with him. It's been a couple of years now and we're both in different universities. She's had another 2 boyfriends including her current one after the rebound and I've just been crushing on one girl who I know I'll never be good enough for. I don't even know if I want to get in a relationship with a girl anymore. I don't need sex. I just want to go on dates, hold hands, have her sleep on my shoulder and just enjoy each others' company.
And so ends my story. Long and dull I guess. Apologies to those who read through the whole thing or those who got bored and skipped through it.