[Valentines Contest Entry 2017] The Fragrance Of Dark Coffe
3
In the summer of his 18th year nick had decided to pack up everything and move to the big city of New York, he was there in search of three things, Good coffee, Cute girls and Opportunity and perhaps it was his stunningly good looks or his impressively smooth tongue but everywhere he went there were doors and legs open to him, but he had grown tired from an excess of loveless sex, Nick was a rich kid, he never had to worry about finding a job he was able to simply coast through life in luxury.
Vanessa was a 19 year old girl, born and raised in New York she had to deal with the issue of finding a job without qualification, Everywhere she went rejection seemed to pop up in her face, whether that be opportunistic or romantic rejection, eventually she was able to become a barista for a small coffee shop this shop was placed on the corner of 7th and 38th, there was one regular customer who had always intrigued Vanessa a boy who looked around the same age as her, he was around 6 feet tall and had dark hair, every weekday he would come in and say the exact same thing “One Black Coffee, Large, Keep the change” usually he would pay with a $10 note leaving a $7 tip, needless to say he was the main source of the shop’s revenue, He never came in on weekends
The day is Saturday the 11th of February, Nick walks into the coffee shop Vanessa give him an odd look, he proceeds to speak in a manner that Vanessa had never heard from him “Two Black Coffee’s, come out from behind the counter and drink it with me please” and of course in usual fashion he hands her a $10 bill “Keep the change” “P-pardon me” Vanessa responded “Come drink a coffee with me” Nick said as he flicked his hair back “Don’t worry the old man is cool with it, after all I pay for both your and his living costs” Nick proceeded to sit down at his usual booth Vanessa followed “What do you want with me, I just work here” nick chuckled in response “Just work here, no no you make some of the best damn coffee in the world, so what I’m saying is that you come out on a date with me- “ Nick was interrupted by Vanessa “W-Wait what, I don’t even know you” “That’s what first dates are for” Nick slyly responds, catching Vanessa off guard, she reluctantly agreed “O-okay” the truth is that Vanessa had never been in a relationship, though she had been on many dates throughout time no one had ever stuck around, the main point of reluctance derives from, this phenomenon “The isolation of romantic an realistic self” as it was defined by Dr Genra Kujikawa is called the “Two Notes” effect.
The day is Sunday the 12th of February for the first time in years Vanessa has awoken under an †˜Unfamiliar celling’ she awoke in a state of disorientation, the night of the 11th was a rather wild ride for both Vanessa and Nick but there was an interesting observation that Nick had made as he watched Vanessa wake up, The placement of her arms changed drastically but her hands were always in the same formation, she never balled up her hands whilst waking up, Nick had never seen a girl like this, he was sure to note it in his book, as Vanessa awoke she recognized the music that was playing in the background it was the track †˜Communist Daughter’ off the album †˜In the Aeroplane Over the sea †˜ “Odd song choice” she softly spoke “Uh, Yeah, I guess so, What do you want for breakfast?” Nick replied uncertainly, this uncertainty came from his own inability to figure out his feelings for this girl, he referred to this as the rosebud effect, the human inability to know precisely how a rose will turn out just from looking at its bud had always disheartened Nick and this happened to extend to the ideas of relationships and interactions with others.
The day is Monday the 13th of February, the eve of valentine’s day, Nick had never considered anyone to be close enough to be deserving of a Valentines gift, whilst questioning what he should buy he recalls that today is in fact a weekday and that he should have bought his coffee by now, what if Vanessa or the old man are worried about him, rushing down the stairs he almost forgets to see if he has a Hamilton in his wallet, luckily he does, as he runs to get to the corner of 7th and 38th he looks up at the sky and is impressed with the clearness of it, Vanessa waits in the back of the coffee shop, unaware of why she is unable to perform her job as well as she usually does, every time she goes to make a coffee her hands start to shake in a way that they never have before and her mind begins to wander from the task at hand, she suddenly hears a man humming communist daughter, she instantly knew it was Nick who just walked into the store, as she rushes to the front and stands strongly in front of nick “O-no um, I, uh, I’m confused, sorry uh do you, um want a… to not, see me” nick stutters out “um, eh, y-you’re late Nick… Do you want the usual or the special?” Vanessa responded tripping on her words, Nick mentally questioned what this †˜Special’ was, this was the first time in his life that a girl had responded in such an obtuse yet intricate way to him, it was almost as confusing to him as †˜Two Headed Boy Part Two’ but he enjoyed the puzzle that was presented to him, the next sentence that he spoke was one of the magical moments where his tongue moved faster than his mind could “I want you, simple as that” vanessa was shocked, she had never had a man talk in such a direct and pointed way, her heart started to beat at a rate that is comparable to Daveed Diggs verse on the track †˜The Breach’ she proceeded to slap Nick before quickly swooping in for a kiss, Nick was unsure of the events that just transpired before him, Vanessa was trembling, Nick proceeded to leave a key on the counter before leaving the store “See you space cowboy” Nick says as Vanessa proceeds to run after him,
The day is Monday the 13th of February, the time is 11:59 AM on the corner of 7th and 38th a tradegy has just unfolded, Nick Stone has just been run over by a truck, Vanessa Scott was standing at the crossing as the events were unfolding, she thought this must have been some kind of sick joke, Nick died upon impact,
The day is Tuesday the 14th of February, Vanessa finds her way to Nicks apartment, drenched in the scent of dark coffee she lays on the floor and that is where she lays awaiting Nicks return, those words echo in her head “You’re gonna carry that weight.”
Vanessa was a 19 year old girl, born and raised in New York she had to deal with the issue of finding a job without qualification, Everywhere she went rejection seemed to pop up in her face, whether that be opportunistic or romantic rejection, eventually she was able to become a barista for a small coffee shop this shop was placed on the corner of 7th and 38th, there was one regular customer who had always intrigued Vanessa a boy who looked around the same age as her, he was around 6 feet tall and had dark hair, every weekday he would come in and say the exact same thing “One Black Coffee, Large, Keep the change” usually he would pay with a $10 note leaving a $7 tip, needless to say he was the main source of the shop’s revenue, He never came in on weekends
The day is Saturday the 11th of February, Nick walks into the coffee shop Vanessa give him an odd look, he proceeds to speak in a manner that Vanessa had never heard from him “Two Black Coffee’s, come out from behind the counter and drink it with me please” and of course in usual fashion he hands her a $10 bill “Keep the change” “P-pardon me” Vanessa responded “Come drink a coffee with me” Nick said as he flicked his hair back “Don’t worry the old man is cool with it, after all I pay for both your and his living costs” Nick proceeded to sit down at his usual booth Vanessa followed “What do you want with me, I just work here” nick chuckled in response “Just work here, no no you make some of the best damn coffee in the world, so what I’m saying is that you come out on a date with me- “ Nick was interrupted by Vanessa “W-Wait what, I don’t even know you” “That’s what first dates are for” Nick slyly responds, catching Vanessa off guard, she reluctantly agreed “O-okay” the truth is that Vanessa had never been in a relationship, though she had been on many dates throughout time no one had ever stuck around, the main point of reluctance derives from, this phenomenon “The isolation of romantic an realistic self” as it was defined by Dr Genra Kujikawa is called the “Two Notes” effect.
The day is Sunday the 12th of February for the first time in years Vanessa has awoken under an †˜Unfamiliar celling’ she awoke in a state of disorientation, the night of the 11th was a rather wild ride for both Vanessa and Nick but there was an interesting observation that Nick had made as he watched Vanessa wake up, The placement of her arms changed drastically but her hands were always in the same formation, she never balled up her hands whilst waking up, Nick had never seen a girl like this, he was sure to note it in his book, as Vanessa awoke she recognized the music that was playing in the background it was the track †˜Communist Daughter’ off the album †˜In the Aeroplane Over the sea †˜ “Odd song choice” she softly spoke “Uh, Yeah, I guess so, What do you want for breakfast?” Nick replied uncertainly, this uncertainty came from his own inability to figure out his feelings for this girl, he referred to this as the rosebud effect, the human inability to know precisely how a rose will turn out just from looking at its bud had always disheartened Nick and this happened to extend to the ideas of relationships and interactions with others.
The day is Monday the 13th of February, the eve of valentine’s day, Nick had never considered anyone to be close enough to be deserving of a Valentines gift, whilst questioning what he should buy he recalls that today is in fact a weekday and that he should have bought his coffee by now, what if Vanessa or the old man are worried about him, rushing down the stairs he almost forgets to see if he has a Hamilton in his wallet, luckily he does, as he runs to get to the corner of 7th and 38th he looks up at the sky and is impressed with the clearness of it, Vanessa waits in the back of the coffee shop, unaware of why she is unable to perform her job as well as she usually does, every time she goes to make a coffee her hands start to shake in a way that they never have before and her mind begins to wander from the task at hand, she suddenly hears a man humming communist daughter, she instantly knew it was Nick who just walked into the store, as she rushes to the front and stands strongly in front of nick “O-no um, I, uh, I’m confused, sorry uh do you, um want a… to not, see me” nick stutters out “um, eh, y-you’re late Nick… Do you want the usual or the special?” Vanessa responded tripping on her words, Nick mentally questioned what this †˜Special’ was, this was the first time in his life that a girl had responded in such an obtuse yet intricate way to him, it was almost as confusing to him as †˜Two Headed Boy Part Two’ but he enjoyed the puzzle that was presented to him, the next sentence that he spoke was one of the magical moments where his tongue moved faster than his mind could “I want you, simple as that” vanessa was shocked, she had never had a man talk in such a direct and pointed way, her heart started to beat at a rate that is comparable to Daveed Diggs verse on the track †˜The Breach’ she proceeded to slap Nick before quickly swooping in for a kiss, Nick was unsure of the events that just transpired before him, Vanessa was trembling, Nick proceeded to leave a key on the counter before leaving the store “See you space cowboy” Nick says as Vanessa proceeds to run after him,
The day is Monday the 13th of February, the time is 11:59 AM on the corner of 7th and 38th a tradegy has just unfolded, Nick Stone has just been run over by a truck, Vanessa Scott was standing at the crossing as the events were unfolding, she thought this must have been some kind of sick joke, Nick died upon impact,
The day is Tuesday the 14th of February, Vanessa finds her way to Nicks apartment, drenched in the scent of dark coffee she lays on the floor and that is where she lays awaiting Nicks return, those words echo in her head “You’re gonna carry that weight.”
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I got a decent laugh out of this. If that's what you were going for, ok. If not, this need a lot of work. Either way, I recommend breaking down the giant paragraph in the middle into smaller paragraphs.
1
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
I got a decent laugh out of this.Hey that's precisely what I was going for, I'm glad you liked it
1
xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
That went from incredibly cute to wtf super fast. In fact you probably hold the record.
Maybe English isn't your first language? There's a lot of work to be done here, spacing wise and grammar wise most notably.
Aside from that, it's hard to really evaluate your piece. It's a little cute and a little sick. I can feel the romance as well as the dark humor. Glad you entered, I had fun reading it at least.
Maybe English isn't your first language? There's a lot of work to be done here, spacing wise and grammar wise most notably.
Aside from that, it's hard to really evaluate your piece. It's a little cute and a little sick. I can feel the romance as well as the dark humor. Glad you entered, I had fun reading it at least.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I was quite curious from the earlier comments and responses to your entry. And of course, d(^_^)(^_^)d always manages to find something that I disagree yet again with him. What was the punchline of that entry? I understand that you were going for something humorous but I failed to appreciate the humour in it. Each time our hero approaches our love interest, almost the same dialogue and the same scenario plays out until our hero meets up with his untimely demise. Our love interest bizarrely behaves the same way as before even after our hero is dead so I suppose therein lies the humour?
Possible what you were going for in your entry?
There were complaints about your style of writing and how it reads awkwardly and I am only too happy to add on to that.
1. You are missing an "e" from your title, "The Fragrance of Dark Coffe"
2. Nick slyly responds, catching Vanessa off guard, she reluctantly agreed “O-okay” the truth is that Vanessa had never been in a relationship, though she had been on many dates throughout time no one had ever stuck around, the main point of reluctance derives from, this phenomenon “The isolation of romantic an realistic self” as it was defined by Dr Genra Kujikawa is called the “Two Notes” effect.
Some sentences ought to be separated with a full stop. As much as I loathe listening to Xenon and d(^_^)(^_^)d complain about grammar, the reason why I decided to nitpick on that is because not placing a full stop (you call them 'periods') at where there ought to be makes it difficult to read and the sentences awkward.
You make references to Freudian-esque theories explaining what was happening but I thought they required more elaboration. What is the "Two Notes" effect? Some didn't make sense like "the isolation of romantic".
3. Try to isolate your dialogue lines. It is just to make what your write easier to read.
PS: How did you come to know of this writing event?
Possible what you were going for in your entry?
There were complaints about your style of writing and how it reads awkwardly and I am only too happy to add on to that.
1. You are missing an "e" from your title, "The Fragrance of Dark Coffe"
2. Nick slyly responds, catching Vanessa off guard, she reluctantly agreed “O-okay” the truth is that Vanessa had never been in a relationship, though she had been on many dates throughout time no one had ever stuck around, the main point of reluctance derives from, this phenomenon “The isolation of romantic an realistic self” as it was defined by Dr Genra Kujikawa is called the “Two Notes” effect.
Some sentences ought to be separated with a full stop. As much as I loathe listening to Xenon and d(^_^)(^_^)d complain about grammar, the reason why I decided to nitpick on that is because not placing a full stop (you call them 'periods') at where there ought to be makes it difficult to read and the sentences awkward.
You make references to Freudian-esque theories explaining what was happening but I thought they required more elaboration. What is the "Two Notes" effect? Some didn't make sense like "the isolation of romantic".
3. Try to isolate your dialogue lines. It is just to make what your write easier to read.
PS: How did you come to know of this writing event?