[Valentines Contest Entry 2017] Ubiquitous

1
Hello,

I'm Ouroboros Moon.
I'm a unappreciated story writer (I think.)
You can follow me on twitter here: https://twitter.com/Kurasuki_Nai
I kinda don't expect to win but lets have fun fighting for victory okay!!

Hope you enjoy this one-shot-story.

Story is pronounced
u·biq·ui·tous
yo͞oˈbikwədəs/

Notes
Story Name: Ubiquitous
Genre: Cyberpunk, Sci-Fi, Romance, Tragedy
Word Count: 2500
Page Count: 9
Total Time Writing: 9 Hours 23 Minutes

FAQ - From people who have read this story.
Q: Is there a expanded universe?
A: Yes. Yes there is...this entire one-shot-story is a spinoff of the main series...Do I plan to write the main series? it I don't know.

Q: What music did you listen to while writing this...Look below and yes this is no joke. The order I list them is from less listen to too most.
A: SONG 1 SONG 2 SONG 3
SONG 4 SONG 5 SONG 6

Note - For the sake of whoever is reading this I'll just leave a link to my google doc of the story. The text below was very messy. It's easier just to read the google document....
Spoiler:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9lhAFRV5UGQQ2hRc1doZDQyQ0E/view?usp=sharing


It's nasty...

Spoiler:
Ubiquitous
By Ouroboros Moon

Hello there my friend. I’ve been wondering where you’ve been all this time. It’s been over six hundred and four years since I’ve felt your presence, even though I know you don’t exist in the space I know as reality I can feel that you’re here with me.
So how have you been my tenth dimensional friend? I’ve been fine. I’ve been assigned a new task working as a Historian of Human History. I’m tasked with deciphering data left behind by the humans and recoding it into our known index of history.
Ever since Earth became unsuitable and efforts to expand the race failed, technology was directed towards cloud based living for the humans; creating a singularity server containing individual Quantum Minds or Quantum Consciousness within a single system. In simpler terms: The Matrix. As well as that the planet known as Earth has changed significantly. Deemed unfit by us Earth no longer contains seas, grass or anything that naturally grows. It’s now a planet made of metal with an artificial core holding everything together a planetary megastructure.

Boot Up
System Login
Loading Data
Initialization → Running Program → Data File: EDAIMONIA
Decrypting Data: 2.5/12.5 DRIVES

Hmmm. I see. I understand? No I don’t understand. What interesting code this is. What an interesting story this is however I can’t understand it from an emotional point of view. Can’t you see this data? You’re a being from the tenth dimension your physiology should allow you to understand correct? From my point of view humans worry about a lot of things…
While humans are concerned about their emotions and what others think of them I’m concerned about malignant failure occurring making my existence obsolete. Infrastructure profusion being my top most concern. What’s the point in everything if we can’t preserve what is left of the humans?
But then again…
What is left for humans if they don’t have anything to affirm their existence too? Existential Nihilism, Nihilism, or Absurdism? Does their existence precede their essence because my essence precedes my reason for existing.
✵
DRIVE: 4.5/12.5
The second Ice age began and humanity is struggling to survive, a source of heat is now power and some people have lost hope forming regimes and brutal gangs until extinction day comes taking us all. Project Matrix is producing results but the project is far from complete. In our efforts to save what remains we’ve accidently created a techno-organic virus that turns humans into machines replacing flesh and organs with silicon and pure carbon. People call this Meta-Silicon Porosis… and I’m infected.
While making the Matrix, we ran into a major issue. While compiling the data to make humans in a cyberspace environment the mind that was digitally constructed from the original human being would always degrade in days due to insufficient data from the original host user. Unlike human beings who’s mind progress naturally the code is unable to handle or perceive the original user’s existence thus seeing the original host existence as not feasible erasing them from the core.
The solution to this problem was biochemistry taking a human and liquefying the person down to base elements, and properties then solidifying them as data for the computer to constantly read. Liquefication was easy but reverting to solid proved difficult, failing more than once. While disposing of our failed attempts some of the debris dispersed into water effecting people turning them into motionless thoughtless husks of machinery when digesting the infected water.
Our negligence may have doomed humanity.
✵
Drive: 8.1/12.5
Decrypting Data: 67% - Errored Memory Fragments: 87,247,983
After surviving an attack by a group of people killing them indiscriminately with the technology we brought with us. I watched Alec pull a wooden axe out of the mans skull. I’ve come to realize our journey was possibly pointless. Noticing these facts I’ve come to reflect on everything we’ve done up to this point. How did we exactly get out here, in the middle of this icey wasteland?
We both took shelter in a nearby ice cave. We dragged the bodies of the deceased into our temporary home that featured ice cycles hanging from the ceiling. They were pretty. Alec removed the lug of the axe and threw it on the ground creating an echo throughout the cave. He then dragged the bodies of the deceased individual that we had murdered and piled them up like firewood. Proceeding this he pulled out a lighter and lit the back handle of the axe on fire throwing it into the pile of dead people creating our source of warmth.
We stripped our clothes and sat them down to dry and we sat together side by side. I pulled out my lighter and lit a cigarette as I folded my legs in a upward position and looked at Alec… and said…

*ERROR:DATA CORRUPTION_COMPUTING_PROBABLE_VOCABULARY*
*WARNING:DESYNCHRONIZATION_IMMINENT_34%*
“Your name means stupid in — you know.”
He looked at with an enigmatic smile and laughed. I always felt it was hard to read his facial gestures. I want to talk to him but my analytical personality is getting in the way. How should I start a conversation with him…
“My name in Greek also means the Defender of —. You want to talk to me about —?”
“How did you —“”
“When you get frustrated or in deep-thought — appears across your forehead. You also tend to — eye contact when you’re not sure about something.”
“Want to — ?”
(Silence)
“Why not we’re both going to die —.”
“Fine.”
“I’m not giving you another cigarette because I know you’ll slobber over it. So let’s — the same one…So you know we’re both more likely to — out here before the — takes over our bodies.”
“Yes.”
“So why are — here then? I think our time— better — “
“Eleon. Why are you here?”
*WARNING:DESYNCHRONIZATION_IMMINENT_49%*
“Because I want to be — for you for once — I didn’t want you to — alone.”
“— someone would say because I love you or because I know it exists — something like —.”
“I’m sorry. I just realized this but it’s like — polar-opposites.”
“Elona. I love you.”
“Honest? Then what do you — about —?”
“Your —, Your intelligent, You — is really good too. Also when I’m around you in this dying — you make it seem like everything going to be okay.”
“We’re both — right now. — is everything — ?”
*WARNING:DESYNCHRONIZATION_ IMMINENT_67%*
“Okay. Try to stop being — for a second. Love isn’t a — or — thing. It’s just something that’s not — . It’s a — you have.”
“But I don’t feel — — now. When we killed — people and when we — their — on fire I didn’t — one bit. — — I’m a sociopath.”
*WARNING:DESYNCHRONIZATION_IMMINENT_83%*
“I’m — with — . You know my — constantly told me. You are — and you will never be something. You were — to work it’s the — you exist, to toil every — for the — of your life — you can no longer — or use your arms and we don’t — if your miserable or — . — that changed when I met —. The way you talked about Quantum Science — me. — I had no clue what you we’re — about at the time but I was completely — by everything you did and said. — I did everything that I could to be around you then I eventually became a Quantum — and got to work alongside you. That was my — and it got even better when I got to marry you. My soul — for living was for you. Not to working digging in a — or — snow or hunting. It was just for you because I — you.”
“You’re doing it right now — — . Just for me. You wouldn’t — — — — — — — — if you weren’t — — — something — — worth seeing. Alec —.”
*WARNING:DESYNCHRONIZATION_IMMINENT_94%*
“— — — ———. — — It’s — — — — something you — — wanted — —. — — — — —. — REAL —! Because — — — — — desired!”
*Unreadable_Data:Eleon*
*WARNING:DESYNCRHONIZATION_IMMINENT_98%*
“— is ubiquitous.”
“ I — — — — — believe — — —, — — — — — — —.”
“I’m — — — — — — — — — — — — —. Living — — — —. — — — — — — — — — — — — for — — — . — — — — — — —. — — — — — — — —.”
“— — — — — — — respond — —.”
“— — — — — — back, — idiot.”
“— love — — — —.”
*ERROR:DESYNCHRONIZATION*
*ERROR 401*
****REBOOTING_DRIVES*******
**ERROR:DATA CORRUPTION_DECOMPRESSIONS_100%_DECRYPTING-FAILURE_ INITIALIZATION_LOADING_DRIVE_ASSUD92378B91_LOADING:87%_COMPLETED **
*ACCESSING…..RUNNING PROGRAM*
✵
Drive: 11.9/12.5
We we’re close to our destination…
As we ran from the creatures chasing us up the volcano our momentum in speed began to decreases due to the excess amount of snow in the area. The creatures that lived up here however had no problem traversing the snow. At least our stamina within our bodies has become limitless due to most of it becoming machinery… but on the downside we were running out of time and the creatures were getting closer.
As I pulled out my (VGGPM) Vector Graphical Gravitational Particle Beam Gun. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned my head to the side to see Alec pushing me out of the way of a large bear like creature. As I fell into the snow staring at him the creature jumped him and began mauling him. I quickly fired an uncalibrated beam at the creature causing it to explode leaving chunks of it’s body and blood scattered all over.
The rupture of the blast was moving at the force equivalent to being hit by a sonic-boom. When I think about it, that should have triggered an avalanche but it didn’t for some reason. I quickly stood up and ran over to Alec, I took off my glove and graced my hand across his face and I could feel nothing due to my hands becoming machinery.
“Don’t freak out but you lost your right arm. But I’m sure it was machinery.”
He said nothing in reply to me however his eyes were still moving and he could still make gestures with his face. It’s happening he’s entering the final stages of Meta-Silicon Porosis this means soon I’ll loss functionality in my body as well. But what body part will I lose first? Was this how far we could make it?
Alec’s eye’s wandered left and right indicating to me to look to my side’s and we were surrounded by the inhabitance of the creatures that lived on this Volcano. Alec closed his eye’s and I shook his head back and forth and told him not to give up because he wanted to show me something didn’t he.
“My chances of survival fighting these creatures alone is 4.6% however I have an idea where both our chances of survival is 14.7%. We will make it believe in me.”
Alec heard my voice and opened his eyes and then smiled at me. He genuinely believed in my words. After everything we’ve been through together even if I fail he would still be okay.
The VGGPM absorbs particles within an approximate area then redistributes those particles into a beam, temporality changing the vectors of gravity in a; invisible force of mass energy traveling in a singular direction or spread. Increasing gravity or weight into a singular point with fixed calibrations could launch us into the atmosphere escaping this situation or annihilate our bodies due to the gravitational collapse.
It’s a chance I must take.
As the creatures circled us cautious about when to attack after seeing the bear like creature explode. I picked up Alec and held him tight. I then pointed the VGGPM towards the ground so we would fly adjacent to our position and fired.
My vision then became dim and it was hard to see. The last thing I saw clearly was the destruction I caused and it was beautiful. The blast I fired punched a hole through and through the volcano hitting an unknown object in the distance. But as the hole was created the volcanos gravity was collapsing inward in the position I had fired into; creating a vortex that sucked inward then spat out.
“It’s pretty.”
The vortex was a spectacle to behold as magma, water and rocks we’re merged into a singular rotation spinning at an undetermined speed. It was an angelic site to behold there was beauty in destruction.
But now all’s I can see is darkness. Did I die? Did the blast kill us? If I’m dead, then why do I still have my consciousness? I can still speak as well. Is this what death is like? At that moment, I felt weight. No something touched my hand, no something was obstructing my movements. No I’m not dead and I’m not dying I’ve lost my ability to see.
And we’re free falling form an unknown height.
This is the worst scenario possible one that I didn’t even foresee.
“Alec I’ve lost my ability to see. I won’t be able to fire the VGGPM again without your help. I need you to eject the inflatable raft and place us both in it. After that when we get closer to the ground I need you to fire the VGGMP at the last second in a southwest position so we can head up (SW 45°) the volcano. You’ll also have to re—.”
*ERROR: 401*
*REBOOTING…ACESSING_DRIVE:12.5*
✵
Drive 12.5
*WARNING:-DECRYPTION_FAILURE_44%of_100%_DATA_DECRYPTED*
*WARNING: DESYNCRHONIZATION_IMMINENT*
*782,621,013-MEMORY-FRAGMENENT-ERRORS*
*RUNNING_REMAINGING_DATA*

All’s I’ve seen for a while now is darkness. My five sense have degraded completely and I can no longer feel. I’ve been walking forward or for what know maybe a circle constantly with nothing obstructing my path. That’s how I know if there is something or someone there now. I wonder when I’m going to die.
11%
What do you think my tenth dimensional friend? Do you think Alec is alive? I miss looking at him. I miss him so much. I want to cry but I can’t.
19%
I know I’m still dragging his body around with me because he’s still in my way. I sat down earlier and checked his body. I patted all around and he was still in my way. But he’s still missing two legs and his left arm. It’s okay his head is still attached to his body and because we’re part machine now we don’t need organs to function. I never got to see it.
The Promised Neverland.
27%
What if I’m there now and I just can’t see it? Alec is probably looking at it right now and has no way of communicating with me. How tragic but eudemonic. I’m happy I came along. But I wonder what’s it like….before I disappear he would want me to imagine it.
*ERROR*
35%
I don’t feel anything or anything that I can describe. It’s neither cold nor warm it’s in-between, maybe it’s lush and dewy however soft and gentle. There’s tendrils rough and firm as hard as burnt dough, but wide and even enough for a congregation of crevices. Something like that maybe?
40%
It’s shameful I can’t even describe it properly but I know you know what I’m talking about because you’re a tenth dimensional being. You can see it in my head right? The green stuff. This is really embarrassing. I wish I could still smoke…
42%
I’m worried. About Alec what if he’s still alive when I’m gone…
44%
I wonder where would I be if I never have met you. Alec
*READING_DATA COMPLETE*
*DESYCHRONIZING*
*COLLECTING MEMORIES*
*COLLECTED ERRORED FRAGMENTS*
*ARCHIVING_DATA_FILENAME: CFP9234-EDAIMONIA *
*LOGINING OUT*
*SYSTEM_SHUTTINGDOWN*






-THE END
Ubiquitous;Code




P.S
Symbols don't count as words, nor does slashes :3
1
First things first, you should have tinkered with the text in the post. It's not very pretty to look at. I'm reading the google doc, so it's not too big of an issue, but those who don't wanna use the doc for whatever reason are going to have a bone to pic.

When I started reading, I was wondering how this was romance. It's very sci-fi. After the info dump, it kind of just jumps into the story of Alec and Eleon. I can't help but wonder if there's a better way to transition into it.

I also wonder who the narrator is in the first scene.

I do like the sci-fi stuff however, particularly the virus.

I wish there was more of a connection between the two big scenes involving Alec and Eleon. I think that just might be the biggest problem I have.

It’s been over six hundred and four years since I’ve felt your presence, even though I know you don’t exist in the space I know as reality I can feel that you’re here with me.


The punctuation in the sentence makes it read awkwardly for me. Lots of errors regarding punctuation throughout.

Proceeding this he pulled out a lighter and lit the back handle of the axe on fire throwing it into the pile of dead people creating our source of warmth.


Why doesn't he just use the lighter to light the bodies on fire?
1
Proceeding this he pulled out a lighter and lit the back handle of the axe on fire throwing it into the pile of dead people creating our source of warmth.

Why doesn't he just use the lighter to light the bodies on fire?

It’s been over six hundred and four years since I’ve felt your presence, even though I know you don’t exist in the space I know as reality I can feel that you’re here with me.

The punctuation in the sentence makes it read awkwardly for me. Lots of errors regarding punctuation throughout.


Answer 1:
He wanted to burn the wood too :3

Answer 2:
I ran out of words to use so I had to roll with what I had....
1
Answer 2:
I ran out of words to use so I had to roll with what I had....


I'm talking about just the punctuation though. Adding more or changing it around wouldn't add to word count.
1
xninebreaker FAKKU Writer
This is far and beyond what I can manage. I'm going to sound very here, but that's because I don't think I fully understand the story on many levels.

Perhaps your story makes more sense in the context of your other works, but I'm reading this as a standalone, so I'll review it as a standalone. Basically, I don't know if even half of the 'program text' is necessary, especially the error text that comes up about halfway through the story. It's absolutely incoherent. Announcing that there was an error would have been plenty imo, but there is bits and pieces of dialogue that I find do nothing for the story. So, there's an error? Why do I care about this dialogue that I cannot read or have context for?

What I assume is going on is that some greater being, as referenced in the first section of the story, is looking at the data left behind humans. We are getting a look into one of those 'harddrives' which is featuring Alec and Elona. And if you are going to follow the format of Decrypt Data -> story of Alec/Elona, that very first 2.5/12.5 DRIVES section does not follow that format. It cauuses your story to take a hit in whatever flow you were trying to develop. Everything above the first star is some greater narrator, and everything below it is a look into Alex/Elona... I think.

The pace is jarring, for obvious reasons. I never get a real connection to the greater narrator nor to Alec/Elona. There's something about love in there, but I don't feel it. And they are being chased by some kind of beast in a mechanized world that has access to a particle beam gun. This is all disregarding the massive amount of jargon that is being thrown around.

I can think of a great number of ways to make your story more readable, but perhaps you wrote this way knowing it would be hard to grasp. If so, I guess I can't help you. However, if not, I would start off by cutting out all the programming language and seeing what you can do from there.


By the way, people have never asked me what music I listen to while I'm writing. That's not a frequently asked question man!
1
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
I agree with xninebreaker fortunately! I believe you wish to tell your story through the lens of some program. I imagined the story being displayed on a screen while a window shows how much data is being loaded then unloaded.

This entry of course must feel incoherent to me. You apparently are talking about a story that spans through ages with different settings and scenarios and then out of nowhere you threw in a love story. It is hard to care about the story and its characters if we are not introduced to who they are and what they do. If you could tell me what were you trying to go for, I might be able to make a few recommendations on what you could write.

The suggestions I can make are:

1. Make a few sentences that introduce the setting and the characters in segments of your story. You started off with a computer program I presume musing about how interesting the data it is about to process is? Instead of jumping straight into the program musing about this and that you ought to provide a bit of exposition. Something around these lines: "After the demise of humanity, the machines they left become sentient and spent time going through memories left behind by humanity. They even try to interact with whatever that was left of humanity, essentially brains manifesting in data chips."

The parts where Elona were confessed to certainly needs an introduction too. You might have to insert lines of explanation saying that computer examined the uploaded information which concerned a woman named Elona who lived shortly before humanity fell.

2. You ought to explain concepts that you introduced like the "tenth dimension". It is hard to follow through your story without explanation of these things.

3. I notice that in the course of writing, what is written might make sense to the writer but not to the reader. I would like to pay attention to devices or techniques that could make reader understand what is being written.