Giving Someone A Chance?
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I spoke to a friend over lunch recently who notified me that the guy who she's had a crush on had finally asked her out. It seemed like great news before she learned of his past. He openly and honestly told her (in addition to her hearing it from others) that he used to be a ladies man - so much so that he used to sleep with a couple girls every month on the regular. In the midst of that, he was suspended from school and had quite an alcohol problem.
He decided to get professional help when he fell deep into depression. During a slow recovery, he did lots of exercise and after some time passed, he found himself studying hard when he was admitted back to school. His friends kept him accountable as he decided he would give up alcohol entirely and focus on his academics. He said he deeply regrets his past and mentioned that he is sometimes haunted by it when he had a reputation for his alcoholism and playboy tendencies.
She told me months ago that she was in love with him when she asked that I keep our conversation private. She is really happy that he asked her out but is afraid of who he once was. She wants to believe that he is a changed man and give him a chance but is also scared as many of her girlfriends were hurt by guys in the past who were players and cheated on them with other women. When I asked "What does your heart tell you?", she replied "My heart is confused. I always told myself that I wanted to be with him and now that I have the chance, I hesitate."
She hasn't give him an answer yet and has asked me for advice. I've never dealt with this kind of situation before when trying to help a friend.
What is a close friend to say or do?
He decided to get professional help when he fell deep into depression. During a slow recovery, he did lots of exercise and after some time passed, he found himself studying hard when he was admitted back to school. His friends kept him accountable as he decided he would give up alcohol entirely and focus on his academics. He said he deeply regrets his past and mentioned that he is sometimes haunted by it when he had a reputation for his alcoholism and playboy tendencies.
She told me months ago that she was in love with him when she asked that I keep our conversation private. She is really happy that he asked her out but is afraid of who he once was. She wants to believe that he is a changed man and give him a chance but is also scared as many of her girlfriends were hurt by guys in the past who were players and cheated on them with other women. When I asked "What does your heart tell you?", she replied "My heart is confused. I always told myself that I wanted to be with him and now that I have the chance, I hesitate."
She hasn't give him an answer yet and has asked me for advice. I've never dealt with this kind of situation before when trying to help a friend.
What is a close friend to say or do?
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I personally would tell her, if she thinks she loves him so much, give him a chance, everyone CAN change, tell her not to get her hopes up to much, but to still give him a chance, she clearly cares for him, and in the end if he has changed than she'll may have just found someone that she might really click with.
Worst case scenario, he's a douche, and she finds out the truth better now than later down the road.
Worst case scenario, he's a douche, and she finds out the truth better now than later down the road.
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If it's old news it's not news anymore. It's the current events that really matter, and since he's rehabilitated, the past is grass. Regardless, It's better to regret doing something than to regret not doing something, as they say. Quitting the race before you started because there's a slight chance of rain results in a wasted life.
She should appreciate his honesty. However, if she's going to try him out with an overly paranoid attitude, the whole relationship is doomed. Leap before you think.
She should appreciate his honesty. However, if she's going to try him out with an overly paranoid attitude, the whole relationship is doomed. Leap before you think.
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Well if she had a crush on him already, and he already laid his baggage out... why not go through with it?
If they fall apart, they fall apart.
If they fall apart, they fall apart.
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Drifter995
Neko//Night
If I were in that situation I would ask him flat out if he has changed, and believes he can stay loyal and commited to one single person. If he says yes, I'd say Alright, As much as I believe you, it's still going to be hard to trust you fully, please understand that. Knowing your past, and my friends that have been cheated on by guys like you used to be, it'll take a little, but if you promise, I think we can work.
Something like that.
I'd say, if he has promised he has changed, go for it. Just to be wary. Obviously, don't be the kind of person who doesn't let him see any of his friends, and punches him out for talking to other girls.
But also, if it does happen; As much as it fucking sucks, it does happen. Just keep your chin up, and move on with life. Don't dwell, or it'll make your life suck.
That being said, you never mentioned that he cheated on any of his girlfriends, just that he slept around. so, for all she knows, he could be loyal. Either way, be aware, but don't let it eat at you/ her.
Sorry, I kinda messed up who I was talking to a few times in there, but meh. Still works
Something like that.
I'd say, if he has promised he has changed, go for it. Just to be wary. Obviously, don't be the kind of person who doesn't let him see any of his friends, and punches him out for talking to other girls.
But also, if it does happen; As much as it fucking sucks, it does happen. Just keep your chin up, and move on with life. Don't dwell, or it'll make your life suck.
That being said, you never mentioned that he cheated on any of his girlfriends, just that he slept around. so, for all she knows, he could be loyal. Either way, be aware, but don't let it eat at you/ her.
Sorry, I kinda messed up who I was talking to a few times in there, but meh. Still works
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As with everyone else she should give the guy a chance everyone deserves a second chance the worst case is that it dosn't work out. Just tell her not to get to attached with him and not to expect anything until farther down the line and hopefully he will turn out to have changed his ways which would be great if not then at least she tried it. In any case I hope it works out for her.
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It's a no brainer. Everyone has a past. It's no different than past substance abuse problems, or abusive childhoods. They're all demons that haunt us, all skeletons in our closet. What matters is who he is now, and the growth he's gone through to become who that person is. The fact he got himself help and started really trying to get his life on track, speaks to his maturity.
Obviously, you can't force your friend to go for it or not, but you should tell her what I just said. If her heart wants him, she should focus on the person he is now.
After all, he could've just as easily not told her.
Obviously, you can't force your friend to go for it or not, but you should tell her what I just said. If her heart wants him, she should focus on the person he is now.
After all, he could've just as easily not told her.
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I agree with everyone else, but wanted to chip in the recommendation that if she does initiate a sexual relationship with him of any kind that the both of them get tested beforehand.
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Maeve wrote...
Well if she had a crush on him already, and he already laid his baggage out... why not go through with it?If they fall apart, they fall apart.
Exactly. I mean he's being honest about everything, it's not like if they didn't work out she wouldn't have known why.. he told her he used to have problems with things, and if she likes him enough she'll except that the past is the past.
