How parents affect a love life.
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This is my first post, and it's long one, but it's been one my mind the past couple days so I feel compelled to get other perspectives.
On Christmas day my Grandfather came to visit me and my mother while my father was away for work, and the presents had been opened. We were supposed to go to family later, but my dad having work pushed it back to 4 so we had time to kill. My grandfather stayed for about a half an hour to 45 minutes, and in that time he asked me if I had a girl friend. Now depending on who’s viewing you already know about my super virgin status so I suppose it shouldn’t be that surprising that I pretended to laugh hysterically, while stating how I don’t have one and never have. And for those of you who don’t know (which could vary depending on who’s viewing) I’ve also never kissed, held hands, hugged in an affectionate manner, or been on a date of any kind. For those wondering that’s how to be a super virgin…moving on.
My grandfather gave me some advice that his mother gave him, “Keep that brown thing in your pants. There’s always time for sex, and if you don’t love them you shouldn’t be sleeping with them.”
Now in my defense I already lived by that motto (if it wasn’t clear already), and what he said just meant he agreed with me, which was nice to know I suppose.
He went on to say this, “When you really get to know a woman, it’s a good idea to see how her parents treat each other. (Assuming that she has parents) Whether it be direct or indirect how they treat each other is going to affect how she treats you in the long run. “
Continuing on the topic of love and relationships, he brought up my late grandmother. “Do You know the moment I knew how much I loved my wife was?” Now I don’t want to sound like a depressing person, but I knew he was going to say what he said next. He said it was when she passed away. Now keep in mind he didn’t mean in the “You don’t really appreciate something until it’s gone” type of thing. It ran much deeper than that.
To explain he began talking about his childhood and how his parents treated each other. He said that at the time he didn’t understand entirely how his dad was treating his mom, but he knew it wasn’t right. He didn’t go further on what he understood later, but my mom said later that his dad beat his mom. Growing up in a house like this made him look at relationships in a different way. You see when he started showing interest in women he went in with the mentality of not showing giving them too much love as to avoid being hurt too much. The odd thing for us hearing him say that is the fact that my grandfather is a very affectionate man; he gives hugs and kisses, and he’ll be honest on his feelings. What he said that made us understand is that he never said “I love you” too much to my grandmother. Now the way he treated her it’s not like she needed to be told, but she probably would have appreciated it. You see my grandfather acknowledged the affection he would show, but in his mind especially at the time actually saying a love implied every, which he wasn’t entirely comfortable doing.
At first I saw it as a personal discussion between family, but later I began to think about what he said and applied it to myself. Put simply my parents hate each other, and they should have divorced a long time ago even though they haven’t. I should probably take this time to say that my parent did not get married because I was conceived, and they felt forced to. They were already married for a long period of time when I was born. Anyway, my father simply put doesn’t treat my mother the way he should. He warps events in his mind to make himself a victim and make everyone else seem evil. He makes up lies in his head about my mother’s personality which are far from the truth and more applicable to himself. He becomes overly mad at nothing. My mother on the other hand tries to treat him with respect despite it not being mutual. Honestly my dad grew up in a different type of home than my mother and frankly he holds on to gender roles more than most people. I’m not trying to excuse him, I’m just giving explanation. (something to keep in mind I don’t’ hate my dad.)
Now me, I put others before me 90% of the time. Especially if it’s someone I’m interested in. When I think of relationships I always focus on making my partner happy, and nothing more. It’s always her enjoying herself, and me causing it to happen.
To best explain what I mean, allow me to explain a dream I had. I’ve only had two dreams my whole life that involved sex, and both were with the same dream character who not only could I not see, but I also couldn’t see myself. Both times were not wet dreams. As a matter of fact I didn’t really experience much pleasure. Both times I was completely focused on her physical pleasure and not my own.
What I’m getting at here is that functioning families confuse me when they’re not elderly. I say elderly because of all the relationships I’ve grown up around, elderly is the only one that didn’t end in divorce, or misery for the people who are still together for whatever reason. When I see it in fiction it seems normal, but when I come across it in real life it’s hard for me to grasp entirely. I understand, but at the same time it's odd for me to see, and I don't know how to react.
I think seeing my parents relationship, and just the relationships my other family members are in has made me not jaded to relationships like I would think it would on the surface, but has made me want to be that perfect husband who ensures his wife is always happy, and puts himself behind her because of an intense psychological desire to not only to not be in a relationship like I grew up around, but also not be my father. Thinking about it, I also think it’s part of the reason why I take sex, kissing hugging, etc. so seriously. Doing it casually with someone I don’t trust on that level I think subconsciously associate with my family (extended or otherwise). Don’t get me wrong I feel that way for a multitude of other reasons, so I feel I should emphasize that earlier I part or the reason, and trust me it’s a small part.
Okay after all that please respond to what I've said, and finally here's my actual question: How do you think the way your parents treat (or treated) each other affects your personal view of being in a relationship with a lover?
Also I'm a planned psychology major, so anyone who could critique my self analyzing would be appreciated.
On Christmas day my Grandfather came to visit me and my mother while my father was away for work, and the presents had been opened. We were supposed to go to family later, but my dad having work pushed it back to 4 so we had time to kill. My grandfather stayed for about a half an hour to 45 minutes, and in that time he asked me if I had a girl friend. Now depending on who’s viewing you already know about my super virgin status so I suppose it shouldn’t be that surprising that I pretended to laugh hysterically, while stating how I don’t have one and never have. And for those of you who don’t know (which could vary depending on who’s viewing) I’ve also never kissed, held hands, hugged in an affectionate manner, or been on a date of any kind. For those wondering that’s how to be a super virgin…moving on.
My grandfather gave me some advice that his mother gave him, “Keep that brown thing in your pants. There’s always time for sex, and if you don’t love them you shouldn’t be sleeping with them.”
Now in my defense I already lived by that motto (if it wasn’t clear already), and what he said just meant he agreed with me, which was nice to know I suppose.
He went on to say this, “When you really get to know a woman, it’s a good idea to see how her parents treat each other. (Assuming that she has parents) Whether it be direct or indirect how they treat each other is going to affect how she treats you in the long run. “
Continuing on the topic of love and relationships, he brought up my late grandmother. “Do You know the moment I knew how much I loved my wife was?” Now I don’t want to sound like a depressing person, but I knew he was going to say what he said next. He said it was when she passed away. Now keep in mind he didn’t mean in the “You don’t really appreciate something until it’s gone” type of thing. It ran much deeper than that.
To explain he began talking about his childhood and how his parents treated each other. He said that at the time he didn’t understand entirely how his dad was treating his mom, but he knew it wasn’t right. He didn’t go further on what he understood later, but my mom said later that his dad beat his mom. Growing up in a house like this made him look at relationships in a different way. You see when he started showing interest in women he went in with the mentality of not showing giving them too much love as to avoid being hurt too much. The odd thing for us hearing him say that is the fact that my grandfather is a very affectionate man; he gives hugs and kisses, and he’ll be honest on his feelings. What he said that made us understand is that he never said “I love you” too much to my grandmother. Now the way he treated her it’s not like she needed to be told, but she probably would have appreciated it. You see my grandfather acknowledged the affection he would show, but in his mind especially at the time actually saying a love implied every, which he wasn’t entirely comfortable doing.
At first I saw it as a personal discussion between family, but later I began to think about what he said and applied it to myself. Put simply my parents hate each other, and they should have divorced a long time ago even though they haven’t. I should probably take this time to say that my parent did not get married because I was conceived, and they felt forced to. They were already married for a long period of time when I was born. Anyway, my father simply put doesn’t treat my mother the way he should. He warps events in his mind to make himself a victim and make everyone else seem evil. He makes up lies in his head about my mother’s personality which are far from the truth and more applicable to himself. He becomes overly mad at nothing. My mother on the other hand tries to treat him with respect despite it not being mutual. Honestly my dad grew up in a different type of home than my mother and frankly he holds on to gender roles more than most people. I’m not trying to excuse him, I’m just giving explanation. (something to keep in mind I don’t’ hate my dad.)
Now me, I put others before me 90% of the time. Especially if it’s someone I’m interested in. When I think of relationships I always focus on making my partner happy, and nothing more. It’s always her enjoying herself, and me causing it to happen.
To best explain what I mean, allow me to explain a dream I had. I’ve only had two dreams my whole life that involved sex, and both were with the same dream character who not only could I not see, but I also couldn’t see myself. Both times were not wet dreams. As a matter of fact I didn’t really experience much pleasure. Both times I was completely focused on her physical pleasure and not my own.
What I’m getting at here is that functioning families confuse me when they’re not elderly. I say elderly because of all the relationships I’ve grown up around, elderly is the only one that didn’t end in divorce, or misery for the people who are still together for whatever reason. When I see it in fiction it seems normal, but when I come across it in real life it’s hard for me to grasp entirely. I understand, but at the same time it's odd for me to see, and I don't know how to react.
I think seeing my parents relationship, and just the relationships my other family members are in has made me not jaded to relationships like I would think it would on the surface, but has made me want to be that perfect husband who ensures his wife is always happy, and puts himself behind her because of an intense psychological desire to not only to not be in a relationship like I grew up around, but also not be my father. Thinking about it, I also think it’s part of the reason why I take sex, kissing hugging, etc. so seriously. Doing it casually with someone I don’t trust on that level I think subconsciously associate with my family (extended or otherwise). Don’t get me wrong I feel that way for a multitude of other reasons, so I feel I should emphasize that earlier I part or the reason, and trust me it’s a small part.
Okay after all that please respond to what I've said, and finally here's my actual question: How do you think the way your parents treat (or treated) each other affects your personal view of being in a relationship with a lover?
Also I'm a planned psychology major, so anyone who could critique my self analyzing would be appreciated.
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If you really intend to become a Psychology major, then you'll need to come to the realization sooner or later: Sex doesn't equal love. They're two completely different subjects. It is usually our upbringing, the traditional ideal that "Sex is an expression of love", and that we should "only do it with someone who truly love". Yes, this is a nice ideal to have, but it's also a bit restricting. It's healthier for someone to believe that sex is sex, and love is love.
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My situation was very similar to yours. I share your opinion that our treatment of a significant other is influenced by how your parents set as a model.
I don't however, agree that it is an all encompasing analysis. Applied to myself, my parents hated each other. For neraly 20 years I saw them fight over the smallest things, the aftermath coming to torment my sisters and myself. Respect was put out in the form of continuous silence. Joyous occasions, meals and the like were best enjoyed alone. I never approved of how they treated each other, for it had a significant impact on my peace of mind as a child, and actually asked them why they didn't just divorce. None ever gave a straight answer, but from experience I say that some people fear this situation. Simply because they have forgotten how to be alone. They choose to remain together in misery, because it is a somewhat acceptable alternative to solitude.
From their example, I learned exactly how I DIDN'T want to be. I learned that differences and problems left unatended form chasms that become uncrossable later. People that shouldn't be together, even after years of coexisting, should simply take different roads. Treatment should be mutually respectful and loving, never machiavelic nor manipulative. Learn from your parents how you should be to a partner, from every negative aspect you discerned from their behavior towards each other.
As per your focus on how you focus about your partner's (future partner at least) happiness and satisfaction solely is wrong. Her happiness will never become your happines. You must also seek your own happiness. If your partner cannot fulfill your needs, then you must seek another. There is no point in piggy-backing onto someone elses enjoyment. If you do, then by personal experience I can tell you how it ends. You will be left empty, broken and alone. Your partner will drain every drop of goodwill from you and move on, simply because she is not challenged to improve in the relationship. This will become a cycle that doesn't end, having to fulfill your needs through the satisfaction of another, until you have no more of yourself to give. If you seek her satisfaction, never try to find yours along the way. Fulfill your needs first, only then work towards satisfying hers.
I don't however, agree that it is an all encompasing analysis. Applied to myself, my parents hated each other. For neraly 20 years I saw them fight over the smallest things, the aftermath coming to torment my sisters and myself. Respect was put out in the form of continuous silence. Joyous occasions, meals and the like were best enjoyed alone. I never approved of how they treated each other, for it had a significant impact on my peace of mind as a child, and actually asked them why they didn't just divorce. None ever gave a straight answer, but from experience I say that some people fear this situation. Simply because they have forgotten how to be alone. They choose to remain together in misery, because it is a somewhat acceptable alternative to solitude.
From their example, I learned exactly how I DIDN'T want to be. I learned that differences and problems left unatended form chasms that become uncrossable later. People that shouldn't be together, even after years of coexisting, should simply take different roads. Treatment should be mutually respectful and loving, never machiavelic nor manipulative. Learn from your parents how you should be to a partner, from every negative aspect you discerned from their behavior towards each other.
As per your focus on how you focus about your partner's (future partner at least) happiness and satisfaction solely is wrong. Her happiness will never become your happines. You must also seek your own happiness. If your partner cannot fulfill your needs, then you must seek another. There is no point in piggy-backing onto someone elses enjoyment. If you do, then by personal experience I can tell you how it ends. You will be left empty, broken and alone. Your partner will drain every drop of goodwill from you and move on, simply because she is not challenged to improve in the relationship. This will become a cycle that doesn't end, having to fulfill your needs through the satisfaction of another, until you have no more of yourself to give. If you seek her satisfaction, never try to find yours along the way. Fulfill your needs first, only then work towards satisfying hers.
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VGuy wrote...
My situation was very similar to yours. I share your opinion that our treatment of a significant other is influenced by how your parents set as a model.I don't however, agree that it is an all encompasing analysis. Applied to myself, my parents hated each other. For neraly 20 years I saw them fight over the smallest things, the aftermath coming to torment my sisters and myself. Respect was put out in the form of continuous silence. Joyous occasions, meals and the like were best enjoyed alone. I never approved of how they treated each other, for it had a significant impact on my peace of mind as a child, and actually asked them why they didn't just divorce. None ever gave a straight answer, but from experience I say that some people fear this situation. Simply because they have forgotten how to be alone. They choose to remain together in misery, because it is a somewhat acceptable alternative to solitude.
From their example, I learned exactly how I DIDN'T want to be. I learned that differences and problems left unatended form chasms that become uncrossable later. People that shouldn't be together, even after years of coexisting, should simply take different roads. Treatment should be mutually respectful and loving, never machiavelic nor manipulative. Learn from your parents how you should be to a partner, from every negative aspect you discerned from their behavior towards each other.
As per your focus on how you focus about your partner's (future partner at least) happiness and satisfaction solely is wrong. Her happiness will never become your happines. You must also seek your own happiness. If your partner cannot fulfill your needs, then you must seek another. There is no point in piggy-backing onto someone elses enjoyment. If you do, then by personal experience I can tell you how it ends. You will be left empty, broken and alone. Your partner will drain every drop of goodwill from you and move on, simply because she is not challenged to improve in the relationship. This will become a cycle that doesn't end, having to fulfill your needs through the satisfaction of another, until you have no more of yourself to give. If you seek her satisfaction, never try to find yours along the way. Fulfill your needs first, only then work towards satisfying hers.
I'm not saying that your upbringing makes your decisions for you, but it definitely tints the glasses through which you see your world. It affects us, shapes us. Through acceptance or rejection is how we choose exactly what shape it molds us into.
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Lollikittie wrote...
If you really intend to become a Psychology major, then you'll need to come to the realization sooner or later: Sex doesn't equal love. They're two completely different subjects. It is usually our upbringing, the traditional ideal that "Sex is an expression of love", and that we should "only do it with someone who truly love". Yes, this is a nice ideal to have, but it's also a bit restricting. It's healthier for someone to believe that sex is sex, and love is love.I friend of mine once said I give sex too much power, and he's probably right I do. I feel I should point out though that this is not the reason I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin because I've never been a position that would ever result in sex. Don't get me wrong my lack of luck is by and large my own fault.
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TheGoodDoctor wrote...
I friend of mine once said I give sex too much power, and he's probably right I do. I feel I should point out though that this is not the reason I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin because I've never been a position that would ever result in sex. Don't get me wrong my lack of luck is by and large my own fault.
It's unsavory, but it's true. By consistently teaching our kids that sex should only be had in certain situations, it effectively loops itself in our mind. We then begin to believe that if we happen to be having sex, it must mean we're loved. If in the unfortunate circumstance [which happens often :<] we are in fact, not... it's devastating. I think it'd be healthier to explain sexual intercourse on a mechanical level, and allow the individual to find for themselves what they want it to mean, or not mean... or even that they don't care what it means.
At this point in your life, you should just ask yourself how you want your first time to play out. It's most likely too late to rewrite your ideals concerning sex, [unless you really wish to, that is.] so just.. worry about establishing a connection with someone. Live your love life the way that best suits you.
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VGuy wrote...
My situation was very similar to yours. I share your opinion that our treatment of a significant other is influenced by how your parents set as a model.I don't however, agree that it is an all encompasing analysis. Applied to myself, my parents hated each other. For neraly 20 years I saw them fight over the smallest things, the aftermath coming to torment my sisters and myself. Respect was put out in the form of continuous silence. Joyous occasions, meals and the like were best enjoyed alone. I never approved of how they treated each other, for it had a significant impact on my peace of mind as a child, and actually asked them why they didn't just divorce. None ever gave a straight answer, but from experience I say that some people fear this situation. Simply because they have forgotten how to be alone. They choose to remain together in misery, because it is a somewhat acceptable alternative to solitude.
From their example, I learned exactly how I DIDN'T want to be. I learned that differences and problems left unatended form chasms that become uncrossable later. People that shouldn't be together, even after years of coexisting, should simply take different roads. Treatment should be mutually respectful and loving, never machiavelic nor manipulative. Learn from your parents how you should be to a partner, from every negative aspect you discerned from their behavior towards each other.
As per your focus on how you focus about your partner's (future partner at least) happiness and satisfaction solely is wrong. Her happiness will never become your happines. You must also seek your own happiness. If your partner cannot fulfill your needs, then you must seek another. There is no point in piggy-backing onto someone elses enjoyment. If you do, then by personal experience I can tell you how it ends. You will be left empty, broken and alone. Your partner will drain every drop of goodwill from you and move on, simply because she is not challenged to improve in the relationship. This will become a cycle that doesn't end, having to fulfill your needs through the satisfaction of another, until you have no more of yourself to give. If you seek her satisfaction, never try to find yours along the way. Fulfill your needs first, only then work towards satisfying hers.
Because this is text I'm not sure if you thought I meant this to be all encompassing and were correcting me, or if you were just pointing out that it wasn't. Either way it was interesting to hear you perspective.
Now in regard to your last paragraph. I suppose I already knew what you're saying is true, but something in me makes me think in this manner. In the end it will probably lead to undoing if I take what I wrote by heart. I'm going to sleep on this matter.
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Lollikittie wrote...
TheGoodDoctor wrote...
I friend of mine once said I give sex too much power, and he's probably right I do. I feel I should point out though that this is not the reason I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin because I've never been a position that would ever result in sex. Don't get me wrong my lack of luck is by and large my own fault.
It's unsavory, but it's true. By consistently teaching our kids that sex should only be had in certain situations, it effectively loops itself in our mind. We then begin to believe that if we happen to be having sex, it must mean we're loved. If in the unfortunate circumstance [which happens often :<] we are in fact, not... it's devastating. I think it'd be healthier to explain sexual intercourse on a mechanical level, and allow the individual to find for themselves what they want it to mean, or not mean... or even that they don't care what it means.
At this point in your life, you should just ask yourself how you want your first time to play out. It's most likely too late to rewrite your ideals concerning sex, [unless you really wish to, that is.] so just.. worry about establishing a connection with someone. Live your love life the way that best suits you.
Establishing a connection takes time, and assuming I'm not murdered, get into an accident, or contract some kind of incurable disease, I've got plenty of it. I actually am laughing a little bit on the inside. I never intended for this thread to be about me as much as I intended it to be about people sharing there own stories. Oh well. I put so much out there I should have expected it.
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This is a rather interesting conversation going on in this forum. After reading all the post (took some time a lot to read) i too agree that your upbringing will affect how you view your idea of "love". Also rather interesting Christmas day you had TheGoodDoctor, for it to question the idea of how others and your self see "love" and sex.
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As a child raised by my Mother in the shadow of my younger sister I developed a warped vision on relationships. As the odd one out my entire life and having it basically instilled in me that males are inferior I began to see dating as more of a power struggle than an expression of love (I've corrected this since by the way). I constantly manipulated, played with women's hearts, toyed with emotions and became a monster in my own right. I was spiteful and underhanded, it wasn't until I met a match for myself that I realized how fucked up my opinion was. I've crushed girls as a show of my strength and to justify that I wasn't inferior, however I suppose that explains my lofty opinion of tsundere.
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im just gonna say its dope that you had your grandfather sit you down and have a conversation like that. thats something i have never expeienced from...well...anybody.
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Firstbornnyc wrote...
im just gonna say its dope that you had your grandfather sit you down and have a conversation like that. thats something i have never expeienced from...well...anybody.I've be cautious for a little while on responding to this. I want to ask you a question, so I hope it's not too personal.
The point of this thread is to share stories so I hope it's not out of turn to ask you this. Do you mean you've never had a conversation on this topic with anyone at all, or do you mean you've never had a conversation on something as personal as this before?
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TheGoodDoctor wrote...
Firstbornnyc wrote...
im just gonna say its dope that you had your grandfather sit you down and have a conversation like that. thats something i have never expeienced from...well...anybody.I've be cautious for a little while on responding to this. I want to ask you a question, so I hope it's not too personal.
The point of this thread is to share stories so I hope it's not out of turn to ask you this. Do you mean you've never had a conversation on this topic with anyone at all, or do you mean you've never had a conversation on something as personal as this before?
iv had the conversations about girls and relationships plenty of times with my friends, but my grandparents were dead before i was born and my father....well he wasnt the most positive influence, what i meant was i never experienced a convo like that with a wise older male, iv never had a positive male role model in my life, and i just think its great when i hear of others who have that "coaching", my childhood would have been alot less fucked up if i had that.
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the relationship of our parents will most likely be the biggest influence of our opinion of relationships. We look around at our environment to decide what "normal" behavior is. We don't necessarily act like what we think is normal, but it does still affect our actions.
I grew up in a nice family, 2 sisters and 1 brother. My parent got along really well, they're still married after about 30 years. My Father is always in a very bad mood from all the stress of work, though this doesn't hurt their relationship. They raised me Christian, and told me tons of stuff that I now know is total BS. They said I was never allowed to have a girlfriend; I could only get married -___- . My parents lived together for a few years before they got married, so my parents are hypocrites. they told me (when I was like... 6) stuff like "girlfriends are bad, they break your heart like a plate, and you'll be broken the rest of your life". I grew up being told stuff like this, and it wasn't until I was about 14 when I started to decide for myself how I'll live.
I decided to disregard what my parents told me, and figure out my future lovelife by myself. I have no experience with relationships, however, I've seen other's relationships, and have learned from their experience. I've noticed that a strikingly large amount of relationships end really soon, which I think is because there is no love, but selfish lust. I want a relationship where there is love; caring about him/her more than yourself. I think it's kinda ironic, how lust is the opposite of love, yet people use the word "love" to mean lust.
Right now, I hardly meet any new girls, and even if I did, I still live with my parents, who still have those BS rules. I hope to move out soon so I can finally get on with my life
I grew up in a nice family, 2 sisters and 1 brother. My parent got along really well, they're still married after about 30 years. My Father is always in a very bad mood from all the stress of work, though this doesn't hurt their relationship. They raised me Christian, and told me tons of stuff that I now know is total BS. They said I was never allowed to have a girlfriend; I could only get married -___- . My parents lived together for a few years before they got married, so my parents are hypocrites. they told me (when I was like... 6) stuff like "girlfriends are bad, they break your heart like a plate, and you'll be broken the rest of your life". I grew up being told stuff like this, and it wasn't until I was about 14 when I started to decide for myself how I'll live.
I decided to disregard what my parents told me, and figure out my future lovelife by myself. I have no experience with relationships, however, I've seen other's relationships, and have learned from their experience. I've noticed that a strikingly large amount of relationships end really soon, which I think is because there is no love, but selfish lust. I want a relationship where there is love; caring about him/her more than yourself. I think it's kinda ironic, how lust is the opposite of love, yet people use the word "love" to mean lust.
Right now, I hardly meet any new girls, and even if I did, I still live with my parents, who still have those BS rules. I hope to move out soon so I can finally get on with my life
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Honestly, I haven't thought much about it. At least as of late. My moms relationship with my dad was a tad immature, but as far as I know they were good to each other to an extent. They separated when I was young, and have never tried to rekindle anything until after I graduated high school. The both after they left each other, had terrible (in my opinion) relationships which got my dad deported and my mom in a miserable rut. As I said before, they're trying to rekindle things, so I say good for them, but I rather not hear about it.
My mom and stepdad was another bad relationship, that just grew worse as time went on, but my mom kept with it for my own and my brothers sake. I payed no mind to it till he ran off, and I learned my lessons from all that.
With my dad and stepmother, it was another immature relationship, mostly because there was a decent age gap (I didn't know that at first, I was still pretty young). Whenever I was around, they were either lovey-dovey or arguing about shit, and that contimued after my sister was born as well.
I try to take notes from this, and I guess now when I look for more serious relationships, I'm a lot more critical about people. Compared to when I was young, when I dated just about anyone who would let me.
My mom and stepdad was another bad relationship, that just grew worse as time went on, but my mom kept with it for my own and my brothers sake. I payed no mind to it till he ran off, and I learned my lessons from all that.
With my dad and stepmother, it was another immature relationship, mostly because there was a decent age gap (I didn't know that at first, I was still pretty young). Whenever I was around, they were either lovey-dovey or arguing about shit, and that contimued after my sister was born as well.
I try to take notes from this, and I guess now when I look for more serious relationships, I'm a lot more critical about people. Compared to when I was young, when I dated just about anyone who would let me.
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Lelouch24 wrote...
the relationship of our parents will most likely be the biggest influence of our opinion of relationships. We look around at our environment to decide what "normal" behavior is. We don't necessarily act like what we think is normal, but it does still affect our actions.I grew up in a nice family, 2 sisters and 1 brother. My parent got along really well, they're still married after about 30 years. My Father is always in a very bad mood from all the stress of work, though this doesn't hurt their relationship. They raised me Christian, and told me tons of stuff that I now know is total BS. They said I was never allowed to have a girlfriend; I could only get married -___- . My parents lived together for a few years before they got married, so my parents are hypocrites. they told me (when I was like... 6) stuff like "girlfriends are bad, they break your heart like a plate, and you'll be broken the rest of your life". I grew up being told stuff like this, and it wasn't until I was about 14 when I started to decide for myself how I'll live.
I decided to disregard what my parents told me, and figure out my future lovelife by myself. I have no experience with relationships, however, I've seen other's relationships, and have learned from their experience. I've noticed that a strikingly large amount of relationships end really soon, which I think is because there is no love, but selfish lust. I want a relationship where there is love; caring about him/her more than yourself. I think it's kinda ironic, how lust is the opposite of love, yet people use the word "love" to mean lust.
Right now, I hardly meet any new girls, and even if I did, I still live with my parents, who still have those BS rules. I hope to move out soon so I can finally get on with my life
Now I'm assuming this question doesn't actually have an answer, but I have to ask. What do you parents expect you to do? Randomly propose to women, and hope that one of is either 1 lustful enough for you or 2 extremely desperate to get married. I mean I don't see how you couldn't have a girlfriend prior to unless the marriage was arranged. Even assuming the best circumstances, and the person actually cares about you then yes she was your girlfriend. I guess some people see it as not official until you've actually said it, but if you were close enough to get married then she might has well been your girlfriend.
Also this quote here "girlfriends are bad, they break your heart like a plate, and you'll be broken the rest of your life". makes it sound like they're so overprotective they're willing to say you're not strong enough move on so you won't be hurt in the first place.
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TheGoodDoctor wrote...
Lelouch24 wrote...
...Now I'm assuming this question doesn't actually have an answer, but I have to ask. What do you parents expect you to do? Randomly propose to women, and hope that one of is either 1 lustful enough for you or 2 extremely desperate to get married. I mean I don't see how you couldn't have a girlfriend prior to unless the marriage was arranged. Even assuming the best circumstances, and the person actually cares about you then yes she was your girlfriend. I guess some people see it as not official until you've actually said it, but if you were close enough to get married then she might has well been your girlfriend.
every time I ask, they say something about a courtship... yeah, I need to move out
Also this quote here "girlfriends are bad, they break your heart like a plate, and you'll be broken the rest of your life". makes it sound like they're so overprotective they're willing to say you're not strong enough move on so you won't be hurt in the first place.
I think she just needed to tell me some reason why I shouldn't have a gf, so she pulled out this BS. I was like, 6 or 7, so I just believed her.
