I never wanted drama in my life but shit happens

There has been this girl I have liked for years now. I confessed my feelings to her a year ago and it was no good. We were drinking and she slept over at my house in the same bed and that morning I told her that I liked her. At the time she was in a long distance (open) relationship with this one guy. She told me that she really liked this guy and that she wanted to make it work with him and she could not be with me because of that.

Anyways last week I went to her going away party.she is going to Africa for a couple months to do volunteer work.

Today I went drinking with my best friend and he told me two confessions. Early this month he hooked up with this girl (multiple times) and she did not want him to tell me because she thought it would upset me (obviously). What really bothers me is that she hooked up with my best friend while she was still in a serious relationship with the long distance guy (that guy is a total douche btw and that is not me being bias). I wish she would have told me straight up to my face that she did not see me that way but she had no problem hooking up with my friend.

The second confession that really ticks me off is that she is thinking of moving to the midwest with this long distance guy once she gets back from Africa. This is after she hooked up with my friend. All the while she never told me and my friend she was doing this, my friend found out overhearing this from a conversation at her going away party. I think that is what hurts the most. This is a girl that me and my friend hang out with like 2 to 3 times every week and she did not want to tell us this at all because she did not want to upset us. It's the whole not telling us thing that is more upsetting than her actual plan. Her plan also pisses me off that she is planning on moving to the midwest with this loser that she has only been with for like a half a year total.

Anyways, my problem is that I don't think I can forgive my friends and I feel like I don't want to be their friends anymore. I wish she would have been honest with not liking me instead of beating around the bush.

And I'm sick of just because he is charismatic and everybody likes him. I mean he gets girls all the time and the moment I am kind of interested in a girl he hooks up with them and the next time I go drinking with him he says, "man I got to tell you something, I hooked up with so and so."

It feels like in my age group (22- 25) people don't want what I want which is to settle down and be in a serious thing. I think that's what makes me come off as unattractive and it pisses me off. I'm not the most exciting person, but I am hardworking and I have always tried to do the right thing. Lately I'm thinking I should stop trying to be a nice person because it is just not working out for me. I feel like everybody takes advantage of me and they say they care but to me it does not seem like they do.

I feel like I just want to ditch my friends and get new ones because as of right now, I feel like I'm just done with this shit. I mean my friend did a brave thing telling me the truth about this stuff but I'm still mad, even though I should not be because her and I were never dating. But really I don't know if I can be friends with her anymore when she gets back it's just too painful. I don't think I forgive her and I don't know if I should be passive or confront her about this.

To be honest Iv'e been in the very same situation as you not to long ago and let me be honest the best thing you can do is get away from your current crowd and find new friends yes it sucks leaving all your friends behind but, from what you told me they weren't your friends in the first place yes it will be hard to make new ones yes but, to be honest you don't need all that many. I honestly can say I only have one true friend in the world anyone else I have are just associates it is very hard to find good people in this world most are generally scummy my father dosn't have and never had a true friend but, he still made it alright hes a great man and he did it all on his own. My final words are ditch that crowd they sound like a bunch of low life's exactly like the crowd I was in and just hang or talk to a couple even 1 or no one you don't even need anyone it's best in this life to rely on yourself there's no one else you could trust in this life other then yourself.

I'll tell you something, but you can just take this all with a grain of salt since a)I may have misunderstood something you typed and/or b)because I'm a cynical guy.

What if you would have "hooked-up" with this girl like your friend did? I believe you would have gotten more attached to this girl, and if she still would have left to live with her LD Boyfriend, you'd just end up feeling more hurt that you are now. Also it seems like she's made her mind and chose this LD boyfriend over anyone else so there was more than likely no changing that. So in a way it's not a bad thing, its a good thing.

Now this is where I get a bit negative on you. in your first lines you said she was in an open relationship and then you said:



So what? Do you not know what an open relationship is? did you just assume she was in an open relationship? or are you really just jealous that your friend got a shot in and you didn't? Truth be told I believe that what this all really is, your jealousy. Now don't get me wrong I understand how you feel, but seriously you had about a year to get over her, but anyways let's just say they "betrayed" you. If you feel they "betrayed" you, then what the hell do you care about what she wants to do after she comes back from her volunteer trip? sounds to me, like I typed earlier, she's made up her mind about this other guy so anything you say will sound like you just wanting to get between them. about that all I can tell you is let her make her own decisions, let her live her own life. If anything this only involves your friend and this girl (If they even have anything together), and if your friend doesn't really mind then fuck it, it's not your problem. Oh and about you wanting a rejection, a)you're just saying that in the heat of the moment, b) you've probably never been harshly rejected before.

Now about your friend if you feel like he's hurting your "game", then whether you remain friends with him or not you're gonna have to drop him and try things out on your own. Also it sounds like you gotta change your approach when meeting a girl. You might be exposing what you want too early thereby turning them off on you (god I hope you're not talking about kids and marriage to them). Either way If you don't like hanging out with your group anymore then find a new group.

Now finally about whether you should forgive your friends: I can't give you the answer to that. I don't know what you're thinking, nor do I know exactly how you're feeling so I can't tell you. What I can give you are the consequences. If you do remain passive about this then you're gonna have to carry this cloud with you whenever you're with them. If you choose to confront them about this then just know that you might be burning some bridges, and not just yours to them but also theirs to each other since you did find out because your friend confessed and it was something she didn't want you to know.

Well that's all I got for now but know this, whether you forgive them or not just know that...

That sucks dude.

I would not take ^'s advice and abandon your crowd because of something like this. Shit happens and there just ain't nothing you can do about it. Your 'friends' might have hurt you but it sounds to be that they were trying hard to do the opposite. It sucks that it turned out the way it did but that doesn't mean anything.

It also sounds like you need to get your mind off that girl. Just get out and have some fun, meet some (new or old) people and play it cool. Getting over love-interests are never easy but, again, there nothing you can do about it, so just let time do it's thing and you'll be fine. Don't let the entire convention about either having to be in a serious relationship or tapping as much ass as you possibly can without having sores on your dick. That shit comes and goes and if it will be it will. You might feel like you want a serious relationship right now and that's totally fine, go look for a serious relationship but remember that it's usually not as simple as "not serious" vs "serious".

You're right. I am jealous. This girl I was friends with for years says all this junk about how she is in a long distance relationship and that she does not want to mess it up (she said it was an open relationship but she said she did not want to risk it with me) but then she has no problem going out with my friend who she has been friends with for a couple of months. I just feel like it's bullshit that she beat around the bush instead of just straight telling me that she was not interested in me. Instead she always would make me go places and hang out with her (just me and her) and string me along like that. She always says she cares about me more than anybody but at the same time she is never honest with me. I tell her every crappy thing about me and she does not have the nerve to tell me she is moving away?

And My "friend," whenever I tell him I'm into a girl has consistently screwed me over. He says he is not interested in these girls and he really isn't but has no problem about hooking up with them and not calling them back. He has done this with the last like 3 girls that I like. And I get it. He is charismatic and fun and the life of every party and it is not his fault that people like him but at the same time I am starting to hate his guts more and more.

But it is not just that. We all have the same hobby which is art but I hate doing get togethers because all it is is drinking at bars or talking about liberal politics or bullshitting. I'm tired of forcing myself to be a fun, caring and outgoing person. It just isn't me and I keep getting screwed over by it. I'd rather just be at home working on my graphic novels than be a social person.

It sounds like to me that you're in the wrong company. Trust me, you can always find better friends. And speaking of friends, it doesnt sound like they're good friends at all. Or maybe you just get your feelings hurt very easily. You sound like a guy who is very in tune with his feelings and feels very deeply and the people you have chosen as your close friends are nothing like that and you keep on having these personality clashes with them.

If my best friend kept on fucking girls that he knew I liked, I would fucking tell him to go to hell. I would never in a million years do that to my best friend. There's just no excuse for it.

You can do better than these people, maybe you'll feel like you have no friends if you break ties with them, but if you really want to find new friends, you will. Unless you'd rather just be alone for a while to figure things out. Which is never a bad thing as long as you dont become a recluse.

1. She's not obligated to reject other people just because you like her more than they may ever do.
2. She's not obligated to tell you who she hooks up with, even if that someone is your friend.

Looking at your situation objectively, you're hurt and jealous because she's not receptive to your feelings. What you might be forgetting, is that she doesn't have to - and if she's made it clear that she isn't going to, there isn't much you can do to change that distance. You gotta let go of her, bro.

Both of your friends made dick moves and were inconsiderate of your feelings, but let's be realistic about relationships. They're never as easy as black and white. Like Chlor mentioned:


I can understand if you want some space from them for a while. Go hang out with other people, make new friends, but I wouldn't suggest you completely break ties with them over this. To me it also sounds like they weren't intentionally trying to harm you. They made stupid decisions, but it's up to you whether you want to see them as malicious ones.

You have the much harder option of manning up and acknowledging that she isn't worth your interest and advances anymore. If they have anything to offer you in friendship that makes you reconsider your bitterness, give yourself time to get over these feelings you have right now. I hope this helps.

^Huh? NTR'd? that would imply that he had a relationship with the girl, which wasn't the case. Also, allot of that stuff sounds like bad advice from someone who doesn't have much experience.

It goes like this man, You approached her regarding having a romantic relation ship, she rejected you. That's that man. Whatever happened between your friend and her is their business. I understand that you liked her and you're jealous, I know how it feels, but all you can do is move on.
If you are fed up with hanging around this guy, then just find some new friends. If you feel you need to confront her about her lies and her plans then feel free to do so, just know It can't lead anywhere good, but at least you'll have closure.
Finally, I suggest you get yourself more "out there" if you want to meet girls, just don't force it. As annoying as it is to hear this, believe me I know, just be yourself, don't pretend to be someone else. Girls have to like you for you, just have more confidence.
And for the love of science, do NOT go looking for a relationship with girls you meet at a bar/club. just don't be a pussy and lock yourself in.

If she comes back from Africa and they end up together well that is great for them. I wish them the best. But I decided whatever happens I'd prefer to no longer be involved in their lives. It is that whole "Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional" thing. It was painful when my feelings were shot down by her but I was the one that chose to suffer by sticking around her for so long.

I'm not a great person by any means but I feel I deserve better friends than that how they have been to me.

Have an honest conversation with your friend, and the girl. Explain how you feel, and the things they do that make you feel that way. Explain that your limit is being breached and you don't want to maintain the friendship because of it. You can't just ghost out on people without giving them a chance to rectify their behavior.
That's just as bad as the drama itself.

Girls tend to be more empathetic, which makes them more likely to lie for someone's benefit. I'm not saying it's right or healthy, but it probably wasn't out of malice.

Obviously you can't fault the girl for not having feelings for you in the first place, but you should try to forgive her for at least considering your feelings just enough to lie.

Lastly, it's really messed up of you for thinking you shouldn't be friends with the guy anymore because he's 'so likeable and charismatic and girls like him' - that just speaks ill of your own self esteem, that you feel threatened by someone else' confidence, social skills, and thriving social life.

If you're not having a good social life, try looking at yourself instead of thinking it's everyone else' problem.

Okay, SolidShark? I'm pretty sure on multiple occasions you've said you have no friends. What makes you think you're qualified to give any kind of good relationship advice?

OP, listen to Lolli. She's got it covered.

1. Pretty sure your bottom does hurt because I'm not trying to be bad-ass, I just don't want these people getting terrible advice for their real problems.
2. Firstly, I meant in general because I've seen you try and give gf advice when I'm sure you've never had one. Not to mention you called this NTR. Secondly, you hate your cousin, so any advice you give will be biased against his friend and not from an objective point of view.

whoa. everybody relax. I pretty much decided what I am going to do for right now. Right now I just want be by myself, work on some artwork and just calmly think about things and relax. If in a couple days from now if I want to talk to them, I will. It may not be the right thing to do, but that's I feel that's what is right for me.

glad to see your feelings sorted out
though a similar thing happened to me a lifetime ago
(better request the mods not to lock this even if you have come to terms with it, or do you want it to be locked?
I'm very curious as to what will happen in the future)

good luck man. i also think you should just forget about her. also about your other friend, i think you guise can either patch things up or just split as well. i only got one best friend and we been bros since kids. besides him i do have other friends but i don't hang out with them as much. right now my best friend is in serious relationship with his GF and they been together for long time now so we don't hang out much anymore. im really looking to meet new friends to hang with.

Whatever you decide to do may or may not be the "right" thing to do, but taking a breather to think things through is *never* wrong.

If you confessed a year ago and were rejected, then it is hard to blame her and your friend for hooking up. Forgive me if I misinterpreted, but that is what it sounded like to me. Try thinking of it this way.

For her: maybe over the course of the past year she became more open to ...utilizing?... the open relationship. And well, she tried to avoid hurting your feelings by not telling you. I know it sucks, had a similar thing happen to me not long ago, but there were good intentions there.

For him: if he was in a situation where he got to hook up with her, is there any real reason to not? It sucks that you like her still, but you were rejected. It isn't like he was getting in your way or stealing her from you or anything, because it was already clear you weren't going to be accepted by her.

Now, she does seem stupid for wanting to move to the other guy, but do you really want to be with someone that makes such stupid choices, and also isn't going to be honest about feelings with you?

I think you should not just leave your friends, but you should let your guy friend know how you feel, and as for the girl, you can keep her as a friend, but it sounds like there are much better people to have feelings for.

and this

Update:

I have not talked to either of them in the last 3 weeks and honestly my life has been a lot better. I don't get dragged into to going to lame ass parties or bars with them and have to have the same boring conversations every time. I get to focus on my art and other work more, which is most important to me (anybody going to the alternative press expo? I'll be selling some comics there).

It doesn't matter to me if what they did wasn't wrong. It still bothers me and upsets me. I still don't feel like reconciling and that's what it comes down to.

Tough decisions to make, I'm glad I'm not in you're situation.

Hahaha, no.

/reported