Long-distance relationships.

So, yeah, ldr, do they work? I made this a topic and not a poll because I'm mostly asking for advice... Here's the deal; I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, he lives only 4 hours away, so we had been able to cope with it because I saw him about 2 times a month when we were lucky and about 1 time every two months or so when we weren't, but, he decided he wants to study another career, which will obviously take a lot of time from him and he'll even have to study on Saturdays (we could only see each other during weekends since he has work and I have college)...

The point here is that it'll become very difficult for both of us to keep seeing each other so much, since even though we have a great time it's tiring and expensive... and adding some background story, I screwed it up really hard about 8 months ago, we broke up, but then got back, blah blah blah and he hasn't been able to truly get over it. And since distance goes so well with over-thinking we've been growing apart a bit...

My question is, should we just... end it? For our own health? Or is this just a hard time like all normal couples have? Not only because of the distance, but also because of those demons from the past.

Sorry if this was way too long, but thanks everyone in advance for any help.

This topic has been covered several times before...

https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=45206
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=1139265
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=8165
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=2483652

... but because the forum search is busted, and not too many people know how to use Google properly, I guess it can be excused. Be advised, however, that these are more general topics, so specific advice may not be there.

Personally, it's a huge strain to keep up a long-distance relationship anyway. You're already showing signs of getting tired of it, not to mention, you've admitted to breaking his trust once before. In short: you could continue what you have with him and enjoy whatever false feeling of pleasure is left, but everything considered, I don't really see this ending well. Sorry for bursting your bubble like that. :(

Sorry, I browsed through the first few pages in the forum and didn't find anything similar so I just created a new topic. Thanks.

Yeah, at first when he forgave me I thought that we could move on, and eventually forget about it, but I doubt it more and more with each passing day... Thank you, it's actually what I'm looking for; honest advise. So, it's fine. Thanks a lot. (:

It's always a question of worth. Is it worth it, yes or no. Is this something truly special and worth holding on to, yes or no.

Sometimes even when it's really not, you need to run your course with that person to truly get closure on that chapter.

I agree with LolliKittie, it has to be something you want to make work, and the number one thing is trust and steady communication. I've been in a long distance relationship now for 18 months. It's never easy, and never fun. Sure we Skype, text, and send each other letters, but it's still a long distance relationship. The only thing that keeps it working is that we both fully trust each other, and believe we have found that someone special.

I really hate to say it, but if he is having trouble getting over a past fault, that the long distance with be very difficult, and most likely will not work and just end badly for both of you. Regardless of what you choose I wish you two the best of luck.

I'd say no, but that's just me.

What happened 8 months ago that caused you both to break up, and that he's still not over? You told us everything but that minor detail, which actually sounds pretty damn important.

I believe it is worth it, because he's a really, really nice guy, the most intelligent person I know and we have a lot of things in common, can talk for hours, etc.
And I agree with you, thanks a lot.



We Skype daily too, and play together, we also have unlimited texts with each other so it's good...
Thank you very much (:



Sorry, it's just that it shames me how stupid I was, what happened is that I met this guy online who lived in another country and we started talking, he flirted with me etc, and I ended up falling for him. First I broke up with my boyfriend because I felt tied and did not want to cheat on him, etc, but then things got really messed up and between all my indecision at some point I came back with my boyfriend but still talked to the other guy, told him I loved him (even though I didn't) etc, basically cheated on him.

My boyfriend found out and told me he was willing to forgive me but I couldn't do that myself so we broke up again for like a month and during that time I went back to the other guy until my boyfriend came to visit me, we talked and decided to take some time to heal and then get back together. So I said good-bye to the other dude and haven't known about him ever since.

So, that's pretty much it.

I've posted this a couple other times over the years in Fakku, but I figure since it's a rather old topic and you're looking for answers - I'll give you my input:

Long Distant Relationships doesn't work if there isn't intention of relocating permanently at one point or another.

I'm an example of a long distant relationship going to living together. We've been living together for over 3 years now, and we did meet on Fakku.

That's some pretty extensive emotional straying there... I wouldn't have forgiven that, personally. I mean, it's one thing to stray, but it was repeated... I'd be really careful. Are you sure you're ready to commit to someone? Not necessarily marriage but can you be -- do you WANT to be emotionally/sexually faithful to your boyfriend? If not, I suggest taking a step back. Otherwise, I wouldn't be surprised if your boyfriend has trust issues and resentment he hasn't expressed. I know guys can be really tough on the outside, but that shit hurts... male or female. It's just... guys are encouraged to not show how badly, so they repress... and it turns into resentment. Don't treat him with kid gloves or anything, but just... really try to show him love and open communication. It's going to take time for him to recover from that -- and that's assuming you do everything to make him feel secure with you again.

We've talked about it a bit, like, not seriously because we know this isn't the right time, but, we would like to move together at some point...
That's very nice! Congrats to you two, and thank you.




Yeah, I know... Actually he told me one time when we had started dating he would forgive anything from me, except for cheating. So, yeah...
I'd say I'm ready, you know? Because I think he really is the kind of person I'd love to spent a lifetime with if it came to that. I want to be faithful to him, and besides all the guilt and well, all that crap, I was so, so mad at myself, because for me something like cheating was a big no, the "omg I couldn't ever do that to anyone" no. And then there I was.

So, yeah, I can only imagine how bad I hurt him but I know it's a pretty deep wound... But I do love him, and if I think of breaking up is because I don't want to be this reminder of what happened and just keep opening that wound. I'm trying to do my best, because I want him to know there's nothing wrong with him, and that in the end I love him, I'm not sure how to demonstrate this, or how to make him feel secure again, so if you have any advise it's very much welcome, for now I'm being patient and doing things like not lying to him, and overall trying to be supportive and loving, etc...

Thanks so much, by the way. You've been really helpful.

I'm the same way, actually. I always fancied myself the stalwart, faithful type but I have a real issue with emotional attachment which make emotional, short-term crushes common for me -- although not anymore, for certain reasons. Anyways, I've broken trust in the past, and there are some events that I still deeply regret to this day.

The best way to win back trust is to be completely open and forthcoming. It's also essential that you don't change who you are or how often you express affection. Don't say or do something if you don't have the emotions behind it in the present moment, but always express it when you do. Don't go overboard -- it's just as disconcerting when someone goes overboard as it is when someone is flippant and indifferent. Be yourself, but be earnest and sincere. Pay attention to his subtle behaviors -- emotional withdrawal, even sexual impotence or disinterest, and seemingly disproportionate hostile reactions to [truly] minor 'trespasses' may all be signs of hidden resentment.

Absolutely, under no circumstances should you accuse or hound your boyfriend to fess up. Play from a supportive, genuinely loving and concerned place, be earnest and willing to listen to what he needs. If it comes to him wanting access to passwords or some other form of privacy invasion.. try to compromise. Give a little ground so he feels like you're comfortable enough with full disclosure to show that you're genuinely trustworthy, but you definitely don't want to become the lesser partner. Allow for him to feel like you're really serious about him, and being faithful to him, but don't let your guilt and shame turn into a chain around your neck that forces you into saying, doing, or making compromises that you're just not comfortable with.

Well, at least I'm doing that first part right ha, I'm actually an affectionate person because I like to tell people I love that I love them and how dear they are to me from time to time, because we never know what can happen, right? And together we are all honey, because he's very affectionate too, sometimes even cheesy and I love that about him, at least that part hasn't changed much, and I'm grateful for that...

Thanks for telling me that, I told some of my friends about this and a lot of them were like "tell him that he needs to get over it" blah blah, but I didn't think it was the right thing to do. He has a couple of my passwords, too, but he doesn't use them to stalk or anything, on the contrary, like I said before, he is a really nice guy. I'm starting to feel more optimistic about the topic, thanks. And that last part was also what I needed to read.

So, really, thanks a lot :)

No offense, but your friends kind of sound like idiots. I had a less nice word in mind, but perhaps their issue is just ignorance.

Never, ever, ever tell someone to 'get over' something. O_o That's awful advice. Especially when it comes to relationships, and even moreso when issues of trust and past infringements against said trust. Love is always patient, and allows for healing in its own time. You wouldn't want a guy to cheat on you repeatedly, then tell you to 'get over it', so obviously... you don't want to say that to someone else, either.

No offense taken, don't worry. I think they just weren't the right people to ask, they have never gone through something like that and maybe were just trying to be supportive.

I do think that that is the worst advice they could have gave me though haha, thankfully I decided not to follow it... And I completely agree with you, so, I'm willing to try and heal him, even if we don't end up getting married and stuff like that (although I would like it) I think the least I can do is heal him, so I'll keep trying. Thank you again for your very useful advice and for making me realize what I have to do, have a good day, sir :)

You're very welcome, and I'm really pleased to hear how emotionally invested you are in him and your relationship... I honestly can't see you failing in your love's endeavor if you keep with that attitude and such an open heart. He's lucky to have you, I wish you two the best of luck!

Also.. I'm actually a girl. :3

He's worth it, after all. Thank you, that's very motivating, and I'm lucky to have him too.

Oh, sorry! Glad to know another girl here.~