New Life. New Wife. Old Problems.

[size=10][/h]
So every girl ive dated has cheated on me. Probably because up to 3 years ago I never wanted to have sex. So every girl I ever dated (6 of them) cheated on me sooner or later, no matter how much I did right. Finally it came down to it and I finally had sex (with an ex) before i left for boot. After I graduated bootcamp and got into my into my first command, I met a girl and she was the first girl I ever had Sex with on a regular basis. She ended up cheating on me with a bunch of different guys I found out later. Then the next girl I dated was just a bitch, and dumped me for her ex.

Now im married to the love of my life. BUT I now have a serious problem. I cant trust anyone almost at all.
I feel terrible because I check her Tumblr (I know her psw and everything) and I check on her Snapchat and everything.
She has never even once given me the reason to do this either, but im so terrified of being hurt again that I still do.
When we first started dating and she showed me her Tumblr, we were about 2 months in, and when I saw some of her pictures of her half naked, I nearly got sick to my stomach, she got really scared and asked what was wrong, I realize now it was a mixture of fear and jealousy and anger. That I might get hurt again.
After I told her why I was feeling the way I was, she IMMEDIATELY took them down.
About two weeks ago, she left to go visit her family and I logged onto her laptop and invaded her privacy again; And found out she had something called a GIFYO, where, before we met, she would make strip tease GIFS, but then I saw that the same day she took down her Tumblr pics she took down all of her inappropriate GIFS, I felt horrible, and that stomach pain came back again, and this time I knew it was guilt, that same night I confessed to her. And she didnt even hesitate and just forgave me, she understood why I did it and wasnt even upset.
But after I found her GIFYO that fear came back, so I found the GIFYO app on the play store and attempted to log into her account. So I, ever since, have tracked her new msgs on there, and the new GIFS she makes.

So I checked tonight and found her doing a cute face and stuff and saw in the comments that she wants to be a Cam Girl.
I immediately called her and told her no, and this time she was furious, that I hadnt told her that I logged into her account without me telling her.

She really wants to be a Cam Girl, and says she doesnt have to do sexual things, that she just wants to pose half nude and dance and play in her underwear and have men pay her. I kept saying no, that I wouldnt support that decision, because no matter how much I tell her "NO I dont approve!" in the end cant really stop her.

What should I do, I know she can find a normal job if she actually looked.

Am I being a dick in not supporting her desire to be a cam girl?
Am I being a scumbag by secretly monitor her on the internet?

I just dont know what to do anymore and dont really know who to talk to. My trust issues are going to destroy my marriage if I dont figure this problem out.

To answer your questions here is my advice:

1) You do not need to condone what you’re wife wants to do. It’s never a fun thing to go against your partner on what they wish to do with their life, but if you are not happy about her being a cam girl, you don’t have to be. You love and care about your partner and you have a right to feel upset about this. If my boyfriend were to put his body on display for others to masturbate to and fantasies about, I would be jealous and pretty mad since I want this to be a private and intimate thing between ourselves.
2) Even though you have trust issues from past and current experiences, this does not give you the right to invade others privacy. I know it is hard to feel like you cannot trust your spouse or loved one, but this isn’t going to help anything. If anything she will become more secretive with you and can further cause trust issues within herself and with you.

I am sorry that you have had such bad luck in the relationship department, but there may be a bigger issue then just women cheating on you. For you to have experienced this with not just one, but every woman you have dated is odd. You may feel like you have done nothing wrong to cause this to happen (and honestly this could be the case, but idk your personal life so I can’t/won’t judge), but maybe some self-reflection can help you figure out how to break this pattern.

Some causes for this could be: you are paranoid and the women you date see this and feel pressured by your lack of trust, you are doing something (again not trying to be mean, just a possibility) that women are finding that they dislike, and another big thing is maybe you attract a certain type of woman. Some men can seriously attract women of the same type (in this case you get the cheaters) much like a person who attracts abusive spouses.

The thing that you are going to have to do is decide if you could be okay with your wife’s decision or not. Once you decide, you have to come up with valid reasons as to why you can or cannot support her decision. This may be a deal breaker for you and her, but if this is the case, you need to remember this. If you are not happy and she is not willing to compromise with you at all, then you will have to start making more serious decisions.

The other thing you will need to do once this is resolved is to work on yourself and your trust issues. You can do this at the same time as the first issue (tell your wife if you are coming to terms with compromise, that you will change your paranoid ways), but make sure to deal with what is as hand; resolved the short term and work on the long term. I know it is hard and may seem impossible to feel like you can trust someone again, but for a healthy and long lasting relationship, you must overcome this.

By stalking a person’s accounts and not being able to trust a person creates a loss of respect not only for the person, but they will also loose respect and trust for you as well. The way you treat a person is how they will in turn treat you, always keep this in mind. I would even suggest maybe going to couples therapy to resolve some of this since this has been a chronic issue for you and your wife.

I wish you the best in your marriage as well as in life, hope everything works out for the best and if not just learn and live.

While your trust issues are understandable, if you can't find yourself reigning them in they will be destructive to any relationship you have. Simply put, any relationship that lacks trust will always end badly.

You need to apologize to your wife about the invasion of privacy and tell her that you really want to fix this trust issue TOGETHER WITH her. Form a plan with her that will have both of you working through goals towards this.

As far as the cam girl thing goes. You are married. ANY job should be grounds for discussion as it is a financial change for both of you. And this job in particular has grounds for further discomfort given that it is your wife exhibiting herself.

When I was deciding on joining the army, it was a decision that both me and my wife decided on together. We discussed things a lot and went through all of our options and found it was the best one regardless of how hard it was going to be.

Lack of communication about this sort of thing is a bad sign on top of the lack of trust you have. You guys desperately need to work on these issues, possibly even seeking counseling if you really want this marriage to last.

Everything that's needed to be said has pretty much been said, but I have a feeling that's what it's going to be like.

It sucks that all your girlfriends cheated on you. That's pretty harsh and your distrust is pretty understandable. But I have to wonder what would happen if your wife suddenly changed all her passwords on you. Like, if you were married to me and had access to all my shit, I'd be like "fuck off" and change the passwords just to see how you'd deal with it. But, I'm sure your wife isn't a dick and vindictive like me. It is a good point though: how would you handle it if your wife suddenly changed it so that you couldn't have access to all her info whenever you wanted and couldn't keep tabs on her?

If it'd bother you, then, yeah, it's a problem. You married this person for a reason and them, you, so you'll just have to put some blind faith in them for that reason and no other. Easier said than done, but I dunno how else to phrase it. Maybe giving your wife some of her internet and computer privacy back is the first small step towards trust.

As for the cam girl thing, that's a toughie. If she's not stripping or diddling herself, I personally would feel a little more okay with it, but it still is a comfort thing and with your trust issues I can see it being huge. For that I would perhaps recommend professional advice in the form of couple's therapy if you two can't reach some sort of compromise or decision together because, yeah, you two should talk about this stuff.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

I would answer both questions not with a yes but with a yeah. The difference being that it may be affirmative but not assertive.

As far as the cam girl issue goes, I don't think there'd be a problem. I don't wanna sound like a feminist but being married doesn't mean you have a lease on her private parts. If she wants to show them, she should. I'm not saying your opinion isn't important but it's meaningless. If it's something she really wants to do she will. I think denying her that will only make it worse and it isn't the right thing to do to being with. So far, I've just talked about freedom to do any given action because unless you think being a cam girl is morally reprehensible, there's no more discussion there. If you do, I think you will have another thing coming if she's really determined to do it.

The only scenario in which it could be is if you were already parents to kid old enough to know how to read. If it makes you feel better, the cam girl business is safe and, if your wife is good at it (in my experience, she doesn't even need to be the ultimate model of feminine perfection, just good at it) she can make quite a lot of money. A ridiculous amount really. Besides, more than a few models eventually fade out and stop going online so that might be a good thing for you too.

As far as the monitoring thing goes, yeah, you're a bit of a scumbag. The reason I answer this one with a «yeah» instead of a «yes» is because, given your past, it is understandable. But understandable is a very, very tiny word in this scenario because it doesn't make it morally correct.

You need to learn to trust your partner more. I mean come on dude, you're married to her. It's understandable why you'd behave like this given the amount of bad luck you've had relationship-wise, but it's a bit excessive and as far as you've told us she's not given you any real cause for concern, as any questionable content you've discovered she's taken down ASAP. This kind of behaviour is nothing but destructive in the long-term, and is a bit much for even the most patient of people.

What about asking if you can be in the videos and being a Cam Couple? There is plenty of demand for couples fucking on cam. That way you can not only "show off your missus" and make your viewers wish they were there, but you'd also be the Alpha Male in the situation; nobody can fuck her besides you and all they can do is sit and watch. People will be throwing money at the screen for you to fuck her, and you're laughing.

So okey...
After readin this feel horrible. I feel sincerly sorry for you and all the things that happend to you.
I recognize a lot of what you are saying... At least the feelings..
I know that sick feel you get out of jeoulsy. You feel a bit down... Sick, frustration and at the same time wanting to puke. It hurts not just inside but a little psysichly. Like if someone i sticking a needle in your arm mulitple times...
Dunno if you can relate to this but maybe..

I think its good to set restrictions. If feel bad about this now and i dont think it will be better...
I wouldnt allow my gf be a cam girl... I would worry and feel sick about it. I know people here on the forums dont agree with me but let me share my thoughs.
You do not own her, hurting yourself in this way for her to have this kind of satisfation(or work if you want to see it that way.)
I hope you can work this out... I really do..
But remeber to put yourself first.... Nothing is more important then that you both are happy.
And as long as only one of you are... I dont think you'll feel any good../:

Ok... You actually married a woman, that wants to be a cam girl, and whats more she told you NOTHING about it prior to marriage and from the looks of it she had no plans to tell you about it at all...

I suggest you get some counseling. Talk to your First Sergeant or Chaplain.

Ok, so I have trust issues, but I'm not bad enough to go through her messages. That's just plain wrong man. You need to snap out of that shit. As hard as it is, you need to sit yourself down, and think to yourself 'She wouldn't have agreed to marry me if she was only going to cheat on me'
You're being a bit insane. Man, I've been in the same position/ I still kinda am. I keep getting flushes of doubt, but it's only the start of the relationship. You're now married, so unless you've only been together for a short time and jumped ass first into it, you have nothing to worry about. I'm only 2.4~months in, and I'm getting a lot better.
The fact she deleted the pictures you disapproved of, and was apologetic for them/ understands/ didn't get angry for you snooping shows she loves you and doesn't want you worrying/ getting sad.

You need to get your head out of your ass, and start realising it doesn't fucking matter. If you get cheated on, cry for 5 minutes, stop, look up, look out the window, catch a glimpse of a chick walk passed your window, and breathe in. There is more people out there. If somebody cheats on you, dump their ass, drop everything to do with them, and find somebody else you can be happy with. I know it seems hard to think about (to be honest, I'm not even thinking about it, but I'd do it after a few days. Sulking/ wallowing in self pity is for children), but it's like a horse, if you sit and think about it, and think 'well fuck, I've just come off my horse, I can't get back up there, what if I die the next time I fall off' You're never going to get back up there. You need to just yell out 'yolo' like some teen faggot, and get in that saddle.
Obviously, give it a few weeks or so, so you don't hit that rebound stage, which does fuck things up, but regardless, either occupy yourself till you find somebody, or just go and pick up.

But anyway, this isn't needed at all, considering you're in the relationship.
Just sit down, take a deep breath and think about all the things she does for you. all the things you do for her. Why would she cheat on you? Why would she marry you, if she was going to cheat on you/ wasn't happy with you? All this wallowing is going to do, is fuck up your relationship, and fuck up your chance at happiness. Your wife will get sick of it after a while. Just Tell yourself you don't care. If it happens, it happens.
There is a lot more important things out there to worry about. Financial woes, job stress, transport and house related crap. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying worrying is completely off taps. Worry about her safety and things if you want, just don't doubt her faith. It's insulting to somebody to think you doubt they can be faithful. I had a talk to my girlfriend about it a while ago, telling her about my stupid worrying. She understood, but was a little quiet about it. I've gotten a lot better about it, and have just pretty much put it at the back of my mind, along with other things that aren't worth ruining a relationship over. It's worth far too much to me. And in your case, you. You're worrying about you, which isn't showing you care for her, it's showing you care for you. Care for her some more, and it'll last.

As for the rest, If she wants to be a camgirl, there's no stopping her. It's probably an indication that she wants people to appreciate her body. Might be a hint/ a good tip in a way to make her feel better about her self, perhaps. Compliment her body more. Caress her curves a bit. Make her know you love her, and she is perfect to and for you.
If she is worried about her weight/ is sensitive about that, don't mention it/ do subtle things to help her get her mind off it/ lose it. The missus was mentioning how she gets worried about her weight, and I remembered she talked about hockey, so I organised for us to play in a team of hockey, which she's loving. Now she's back into roller derby as well, and we're doing some skating early in the week as well, for fun. Lots of fun exercise to keep her fit. and happy about herself. Not to mention I do often tell her she is perfect, and I love her regardless.

So, in summary:
-Stop worrying, it's only making things worse
-Care about your wife more, stop caring about yourself only
-Give her more attention about her body, it sounds like she may want that.
-If she wants to be a camgirl, let her do it. Just say 'I'll let you do it, just please keep your clothes on. I want to keep your body all for me, because I'm selfish, and want to keep your beauty to myself' or something like that. Throw some cheese in there for the sake of it.


This has been a tired, post-work post from Drifter. Give that wife the d.

While I understand why you are doing that I would say try to let her do what she wants. You are married but you are also still individual people with things you want to do.

I mean, I know it has got to be very very tough but what she is doing is not like the physical act of cheating. It may be hard to even think about because I know that getting cheated on is just not a small matter and it really hurts. But you have to let her do what she likes to do.

All that said, try to get out of the habit of checking her messages. If you feel like you are going to, do something else. Anything else.

There is something else : psychologic couple therapy.

There's no shame in doing it. Sometime, it may even become fun by turning some incomprehensions into new trips.

Becoming a couple is not only about living together, but also being together.

There are plenty of lengthier and more acceptable bits of advice from the previous posters.. so I'll just be blunt with my 2 yen.

If your girl is jobless (as it sounds) and wants to parade herself on webcam for strangers to pay.. I'm sorry, but that kind of interest would just creep the fuck out of me and I'd just walk away from it all. Maybe I'm also a bit paranoid and assume the worst will always happen, but that's too much emotional stress and baggage to deal with.

P.S. I also might have a sliiiiiight prejudice against cam whores - clothed or not - and am disgusted by both them and the pathetic men who give them business.

I'm curious as to how this prejudice came up, since it seems pretty condemning and unforgiving to camwhores who might otherwise turn out to be decent people (rare, but I don't generalise, so it could happen).

While on an individual basis I'm sure some can be nice, in general I dislike the concept. The perspective I take is that their "customers" are pathetic, desperate guys who can be conned/suckered into giving lots of money for fake attention and interest. The whole, "Hay BB <3 Thank you! I love you too, awe you are sooo sweet, you are my favourite :) " bit is just demeaning. They prey upon weak men and I, as a man, am also greatly disappointed by the idiots who pay into it :P

Also, it's worth noting that my personal preferences probably play a role. Girls who try too hard to look sexy, or wear really low-cut shirts and expose lots of skin for guys to check them out, or use excessive amounts of make-up to look more attractive... hate it :P Its such a turn off for me and pisses me off when girls see all men as hyper-sexual idiots who will fall hook, line, and sinker for some cleavage or a fuckable face.
I don't like being toyed with? >.<

This is making me sound more bitter and angry than I really am... perhaps a re-read and some editing would improve things, but I'm lazy.

Just a tad, yeah. I was just wondering about it because it's still a form of generalizing, and coming from someone who's mega into exhibitionism and understands that some of these girls NEED the money bad (med school, yo), it kinda didn't sit that well with me.

Also, there's always the chance that some of the people who pay these girls are probably just loaded and generous and not really looking for anything in return? You know, ACTUALLY NICE? Has the world gone down the shitter so much that people can't imagine people being nice for the sake of being nice anymore?

Anyway, I'm talking too much. You keep on believing what you will, but understand that it never hurts to be a little more open-minded about things.