Socially unacceptable: a lesson in (honest) diffidence
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I'm not sure about others on FAKKU!, but I am not like my internet persona would infer. I don't know if I technically have some kind of social phobia(s) or am just introverted to unhealthy levels. I have problems even with general conversation. Most things in a social context feel extremely alien and almost like I'm outside of reality looking in. Obviously, this kind of thing impedes friendships, potential girlfriends, normal interaction with peers etc.
It might be strange to ask for advice, but I figured this place is more likely to receive attention than 'Random' or that sort of thing. Somewhere along the line in my teenage years, it's like I hit reverse polarity and have went into a shell instead of growing outward (in regards to communication) like most do. Here I am, years later; same social awkwardness, little change in overall 'people skills' and no 'proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.'
I hate to ask for help on something that is probably so mundane to the average person, but I'm rather tired of being this way. All my conversations tend to be nerve-racking, lacking eye contact, etc. You get the picture. I'm curious if anyone has any advice or has been in the same boat and knows what I mean.
Apologies in advance for the oddness of this post,
kgods
It might be strange to ask for advice, but I figured this place is more likely to receive attention than 'Random' or that sort of thing. Somewhere along the line in my teenage years, it's like I hit reverse polarity and have went into a shell instead of growing outward (in regards to communication) like most do. Here I am, years later; same social awkwardness, little change in overall 'people skills' and no 'proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.'
I hate to ask for help on something that is probably so mundane to the average person, but I'm rather tired of being this way. All my conversations tend to be nerve-racking, lacking eye contact, etc. You get the picture. I'm curious if anyone has any advice or has been in the same boat and knows what I mean.
Apologies in advance for the oddness of this post,
kgods
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Much like you, I too am different from the more social internet persona I made for myself. In high school, I was essentially the quiet guy who was just there, since I can't strike a conversation. I'm still that way now, still got the same friends, only making a few through the already existing friends that do the very few hobbies I could actually relate to. I actually don't like where I am just because I seem to lose friends by the second (from time, broken relationships, etc). >_>
There is one thing that I noticed I tend to do though when I am forced to take part in conversation. Essentially the same style as making up an internet persona, I make a shallow persona to chat with other people. From what you describe, you seem nervous and a little paranoid in actual conversation. If you are aware that you are nervous, then why not act arrogant and cocky? Not act it too much now, just enough to give yourself confidence to be able to speak to others on an even ground. Taking a lesson from my speech teacher, she had always said "It's all about attitude". By pushing out the inferiority and intimidation of people and replacing it with hype and some "Oresama" attitude, you'd be able to break away from the introvertedness you hold, look people in the eyes, and say "Sup".
Now I'm not saying this will work entirely, hell, I still fear people and try to be invisible when I can. But this is the reflex I've come to use after evaluating myself, might actually work? :I
There is one thing that I noticed I tend to do though when I am forced to take part in conversation. Essentially the same style as making up an internet persona, I make a shallow persona to chat with other people. From what you describe, you seem nervous and a little paranoid in actual conversation. If you are aware that you are nervous, then why not act arrogant and cocky? Not act it too much now, just enough to give yourself confidence to be able to speak to others on an even ground. Taking a lesson from my speech teacher, she had always said "It's all about attitude". By pushing out the inferiority and intimidation of people and replacing it with hype and some "Oresama" attitude, you'd be able to break away from the introvertedness you hold, look people in the eyes, and say "Sup".
Now I'm not saying this will work entirely, hell, I still fear people and try to be invisible when I can. But this is the reflex I've come to use after evaluating myself, might actually work? :I
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no way, i completely commend you trying to reach out and figure out how you can try to overcome your social anxiety. can i ask you a few questions though...
what's the most significant social connection you've made with a person?
second question, have you ever considered anti-anxiety medication? one of my best friends is immensely social awkward. i adore her to pieces, but it has been a work in progress for many years. in college she finally saw someone and was prescribed medication that helped her.
third question, when did this all start?
finally question, how often do you interact with people on a daily basis? do you have a job that keeps you head down at a desk?
sorry if i sound like i am trying to psychoanalyze you, i just don't know enough about you to really give you good advice yet. i have met many people, and even had some boyfriends that had bad social problems. one was practically agoraphobic...only reason we got together was because i lived in his house for a month when i first moved into dc. it is really something you have to work at overcoming, but that doesn't mean you can't.
edit:
"It's all about attitude". By pushing out the inferiority and intimidation of people and replacing it with hype and some "Oresama" attitude, you'd be able to break away from the introvertedness you hold, look people in the eyes, and say "Sup".
Now I'm not saying this will work entirely, hell, I still fear people and try to be invisible when I can. But this is the reflex I've come to use after evaluating myself, might actually work? :I
i have to agree with nhezu. fake it until you make it actually does work. i think it was that strategy that got me through my shyness when i was younger and i still use that mentality when i have to go to some awkward law related networking event. i am not saying that you become another person, just that you pretend that you don't care. definitely helps me when i have to give a presentation or a speech in front of a lot of people.
haha, and when i am particularly nervous about a particular interaction, say meeting a world famous judge, i like to prepare mentally for the initial hellos and goodbyes and maybe practice mentally what i will say on topics i know will come up. but that is just my professional side talking.
in the end, you have to get it into your head, even if you don't believe it, that you are not inferior and EVERYONE is your equal. you treat another person as your equal and they normally respond the same way.
practice makes perfect too. i recommend practicing talking to strangers.. taxi drivers are my all time favorites. they can be very interesting and can leave you with great advice or a different take on the world. i chat them up all the time, always fun.
what's the most significant social connection you've made with a person?
second question, have you ever considered anti-anxiety medication? one of my best friends is immensely social awkward. i adore her to pieces, but it has been a work in progress for many years. in college she finally saw someone and was prescribed medication that helped her.
third question, when did this all start?
finally question, how often do you interact with people on a daily basis? do you have a job that keeps you head down at a desk?
sorry if i sound like i am trying to psychoanalyze you, i just don't know enough about you to really give you good advice yet. i have met many people, and even had some boyfriends that had bad social problems. one was practically agoraphobic...only reason we got together was because i lived in his house for a month when i first moved into dc. it is really something you have to work at overcoming, but that doesn't mean you can't.
edit:
Nhezu wrote...
"It's all about attitude". By pushing out the inferiority and intimidation of people and replacing it with hype and some "Oresama" attitude, you'd be able to break away from the introvertedness you hold, look people in the eyes, and say "Sup".
Now I'm not saying this will work entirely, hell, I still fear people and try to be invisible when I can. But this is the reflex I've come to use after evaluating myself, might actually work? :I
i have to agree with nhezu. fake it until you make it actually does work. i think it was that strategy that got me through my shyness when i was younger and i still use that mentality when i have to go to some awkward law related networking event. i am not saying that you become another person, just that you pretend that you don't care. definitely helps me when i have to give a presentation or a speech in front of a lot of people.
haha, and when i am particularly nervous about a particular interaction, say meeting a world famous judge, i like to prepare mentally for the initial hellos and goodbyes and maybe practice mentally what i will say on topics i know will come up. but that is just my professional side talking.
in the end, you have to get it into your head, even if you don't believe it, that you are not inferior and EVERYONE is your equal. you treat another person as your equal and they normally respond the same way.
practice makes perfect too. i recommend practicing talking to strangers.. taxi drivers are my all time favorites. they can be very interesting and can leave you with great advice or a different take on the world. i chat them up all the time, always fun.
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@Fi
I had friends for years and then as high school entered the middle-area, they dropped like flies and went off to do stupid shit that I couldn't follow (drugs, reckless behaviour etc.) and thus I never bothered to reach out and make more friends after this, as I was already in the stages of being reclusive. (I can't pinpoint exactly when it started but it became progressively worse around 16, then around 20 I was diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder & OCD etc.)
I'm 26 now and going to turn 27 next month. I'm on anxiety/depression meds; I hate taking them, but as my last trip to the hospital last year indicated, they are a necessary evil of sorts. I'm not agoraphobic, but I do tend to stay indoors more during my free time. I actually have been seeing a therapist for about a year now and there's been some progress, but I'm a bit impatient I guess.
Thanks for the responses.
I had friends for years and then as high school entered the middle-area, they dropped like flies and went off to do stupid shit that I couldn't follow (drugs, reckless behaviour etc.) and thus I never bothered to reach out and make more friends after this, as I was already in the stages of being reclusive. (I can't pinpoint exactly when it started but it became progressively worse around 16, then around 20 I was diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder & OCD etc.)
I'm 26 now and going to turn 27 next month. I'm on anxiety/depression meds; I hate taking them, but as my last trip to the hospital last year indicated, they are a necessary evil of sorts. I'm not agoraphobic, but I do tend to stay indoors more during my free time. I actually have been seeing a therapist for about a year now and there's been some progress, but I'm a bit impatient I guess.
Thanks for the responses.
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honestly, force yourself to be social. join a club, do a sport, do volunteering, anything that will force you to interact with others on a fairly regular basis, almost daily if possible. the more you do it, the more you will become comfortable doing it. it sucks at first but give it 2 weeks and you will notice the difference.
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Fi wrote...
honestly, force yourself to be social. join a club, do a sport, do volunteering, anything that will force you to interact with others on a fairly regular basis, almost daily if possible. the more you do it, the more you will become comfortable doing it. it sucks at first but give it 2 weeks and you will notice the difference. I agree with this, but more in the concept of "Just do it/something". If what you've been doing already isn't working for you, why not do the opposite?
That's actually what I'm doing nowadays, every opportunity I get, I challenge my introvertedness with (as a personal choice) shenanigans. Publicly doing something helps deal with the "stares" of others and gets you used to the audience's pressure.
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I totally agree with Fi. But maybe, except for the taxi thingie, the others might be a bit rushed for his situations. Those would be great "level 2 treatments".
My best advice here, do something "normal" on a regular basis. For example, go to a small store near your house, everyday to buy some similar products. That way the clerk will get familiarized with you, so be sure to greet him properly every day. After a while, you'll get also familiarized with him, and be able to talk normally to him, and try to often ask questions (like "is there another brand of this X thing" or "do you think this will taste better with that" or pick some weird unknown product and ask "what is this"?.
Always, ALWAYS show interest to whatever the people say when they answer, even if is some useless crap you already know, this will make them feel eager to talk to you.
If you want to fast things up a bit, repeat this with different places at the same time, for example, a library, and ask for book recommendations and sort of.
After a while, you'll be familiarized with bunches of people and you'll be used to the "hello" thing. Even if you don't establish a deep conversation, you'll get used to meet people.
Then, try what Fi said, that should solve a lot of your problems
My best advice here, do something "normal" on a regular basis. For example, go to a small store near your house, everyday to buy some similar products. That way the clerk will get familiarized with you, so be sure to greet him properly every day. After a while, you'll get also familiarized with him, and be able to talk normally to him, and try to often ask questions (like "is there another brand of this X thing" or "do you think this will taste better with that" or pick some weird unknown product and ask "what is this"?.
Always, ALWAYS show interest to whatever the people say when they answer, even if is some useless crap you already know, this will make them feel eager to talk to you.
If you want to fast things up a bit, repeat this with different places at the same time, for example, a library, and ask for book recommendations and sort of.
After a while, you'll be familiarized with bunches of people and you'll be used to the "hello" thing. Even if you don't establish a deep conversation, you'll get used to meet people.
Then, try what Fi said, that should solve a lot of your problems
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C13R-66Y wrote...
Always, ALWAYS show interest to whatever the people say when they answer, even if is some useless crap you already know, this will make them feel eager to talk to you.Haha, this! It's funny how quickly people will open up to ya once you show interest.
Starting conversations is pretty easy, and continuing them doesn't take much effort either. So long as you're actively engaged and attentive to what the other person's saying, it shouldn't be too hard.
One other thing to keep in mind is body language! Smiling and eye contact are two big points. You don't want to totally stare the other person down, but you don't want to seem uninterested or meek either.
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I was once like that, but i decided to change that two years ago.
The easiest way to change (for me at least) bit by bit would be, try to leave just your past experiences behind and start to go place that you can find people with a common interests. When you find some people can start some small talk, (sounds cliche) but it helps in small increments it really improves communication. Even fake interests, at times it works...
Hope this helps.
The easiest way to change (for me at least) bit by bit would be, try to leave just your past experiences behind and start to go place that you can find people with a common interests. When you find some people can start some small talk, (sounds cliche) but it helps in small increments it really improves communication. Even fake interests, at times it works...
Hope this helps.
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The easiest way out I guess is if there was an outgoing person willing enough to get you out of your shell. One of my closest friends right now used to be one of the most isolated students in our class, but when our teacher assigned us to sit next to one another, I started a casual conversation with her about manga, and after more of that, she became more and more open. I introduced her to my other friends and now, she's pretty much friends with everyone and isn't afraid to talk about her feelings around us.
It also helps that she has a cute personality, in which she's like a kitten trying to be a lion. XD
If there's someone that you've noticed has been trying to befriend you for some time now, try responding to him/her more often and share your opinions, even if they're positive or negative. Honesty, at most times, is admirable.
It also helps that she has a cute personality, in which she's like a kitten trying to be a lion. XD
If there's someone that you've noticed has been trying to befriend you for some time now, try responding to him/her more often and share your opinions, even if they're positive or negative. Honesty, at most times, is admirable.
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I think putting yourself out there in situations you are uncomfortable may help, like getting a job where you have to talk to people like shop work or even call centre work. That way what was once a scary and awkward experence becomes the mundane and you are more able to deal with it.
Second idea which is not as well thought out is the get drunk.
Second idea which is not as well thought out is the get drunk.
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Getting drunk is out of the question. The meds I'm on are already unpleasant, intensified effects are not welcome. I will be going back to higher education later this month, so I shall use that experience as good grounds for trying to bust out of my shell. I'll be there 5 days a week, so that will no doubt give me lots of opportunity to unleash the nerd charm or something similar.
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School is indeed a place to let out that "nerd charm".
I'm very shy, but usually if i see someone id be interested in knowing I try and come up with some excuse to talk to them. Thats a bit of a mild way to put it I guess, when actually I have to force myself to do it. Anyway, I usually ask them for directions, or a pencil, or comment on something they're wearing/doing etc. And then keep talking to them everyday until you start hanging out and becoming friends.
for some reason I usually end up following people home withing a couple days/hours of meeting them. Not in a stalker way, more in a...homeless puppy kind of way. It's led to good friendships though. This works a bit better for people of the same gender. Sometimes the person you approach ends up being as lonely as you are, and would welcome someone inviting themselves over.
Good luck!
I'm very shy, but usually if i see someone id be interested in knowing I try and come up with some excuse to talk to them. Thats a bit of a mild way to put it I guess, when actually I have to force myself to do it. Anyway, I usually ask them for directions, or a pencil, or comment on something they're wearing/doing etc. And then keep talking to them everyday until you start hanging out and becoming friends.
for some reason I usually end up following people home withing a couple days/hours of meeting them. Not in a stalker way, more in a...homeless puppy kind of way. It's led to good friendships though. This works a bit better for people of the same gender. Sometimes the person you approach ends up being as lonely as you are, and would welcome someone inviting themselves over.
Good luck!
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I haven't read all the comments, so I'm not sure if this was mentioned, but... are you autistic? I have many autistic friends (general autism and aspergers) who function "normally" except for in their social life. They tend to withdraw, and stay with a select group of friends or none at all. One of them has it so bad that he dropped out of school because he couldn't study with people around him. I recommend you go to a doctor and get, er, checked out. It would also help if you spent more time with the friends you already have, or develop a hobby that could help you meet new people IRL. Perhaps you could build something, and then go to a place that shows off what you and other people built?
