this is slightly morose, but...

(This might get long, but I'm going to try and keep it condensed for ease of comprehension. If something isn't clear or you have a question please let me know).

Four months ago, I lost a friend of mine to a rare bone cancer that is often diagnosed late in its progression and is thus usually terminal. When he was diagnosed about two years ago, we had just started dating (we attended the same university), and not long after his diagnosis we broke up because he (very understandably) couldn't handle a relationship at such a difficult time in his life. He took that year off from school, and we were in and out of contact with each other until last year/this year - when he returned to my university with hopes of finishing out his degree.

At this point, I was (and still am) already dating someone else, however, I clearly had a lot of unresolved feelings for this guy. We often joked and flirted with each other, and he would very frequently bring up a lot of memories from our early relationship (our relationship when we were dating was very physical very early on, which is not really common for me). At some point, I found myself realizing that I loved him. He was always sort of hands-off, and deep down I think I really wanted him to recognize my feelings/bring him closer to me, so I did something stupid I still really haven't forgiven myself for - during break, I visited him at his apartment and fooled around with him (we didn't have sex... I couldn't bring myself to go that far, because I don't feel comfortable doing that with someone who doesn't love me). I felt really guilty about this, and shortly thereafter he and I had a major falling out that resulted in us not talking to one another for about 3 months before his death.

I didn't get to see him when he was hospitalized for the last time, and I was so paralyzed by the thought of loss that I didn't call him the day I found out about his turn for the worse. I had told him when we had our falling out that I loved him (in an attempt to rekindle our friendship, which he ignored), but wished I had gotten to tell him before he passed.

(sorry this is so poorly articulated)
I guess what I'm getting at is... I have a lot of regrets. I wish I could have seen him one last time, I wish I had called him, I wish I wasn't so sensitive when he'd make jokes at my expense... and honestly (and I feel the worst about this) I wish I had sex with him that night. I hate myself for that. My current boyfriend has been very loving and forgiving about this whole thing, and it makes me sick that that's one of the things I'm regretting.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I don't know what to do.

The idea of closure is far more complicated than we think. My take on it is that either we can only achieve it on things that don't matter or it doesn't exist at all. In your case, I don't think it is available to you. Nor do I think it should ever be.

It can be said that we are what we are but we also are what happened to us. Our memories, however warm or dark, become part of us for better or worse.

So, you say you don't know what to do. Me neither and I often find no one else does. Ever. I think all you can do is think it over and find a way to focus those thoughts.
Writing usually works for me...

If you did sleep with him on the night you might feel worst then you are now as it would mean you have betrayed your trust with your current bf,

instead of looking/thinking about your regrets, you should look/think about the fun and positive time you had with him. And look at all the good you have now and with your current bf

First off... I am so sorry about the loss of your friend.
Honestly the first thing you need to do is make peace with yourself. You can't keep thinking that you wish you did this or that because you can't go back all you can do are things in this time and day. You need to figure out for yourself what will make you feel at peace so this feeling will go away.

Over time things will get better with how you feel. Time will help and over that time you will realize a lot of things that will help you with your feelings and how to deal with them.

It sounds like you have a wonderful boyfriend and I bet he's a great support system so don't be afraid to talk to him as well about anything that's bothering you. Its better to let things out than to hold it in. If anything maybe talk to a friend?

I hope this helped even a little.

One of the biggest things you will have to work to overcome is that since you never had a full relationship with him and never can at this point, you will have a lot of what ifs and might end up holding him on a higher pedestal than you would normally.

While you want to remember him as fondly as you can, you need to remember just how human he was.

And then it will take time to move on. A lot of time.

I am truly sorry for your loss. I know this is hard on you and know that whatever you are feeling is totally normal. You will have regrets and you will question the things you have or could have done, but always keep in mind that what has happened cannot be changed, the only thing that you can do and learn to accept and move on with your decisions with your head held high.

Each day that pasts will get better, even if they don't always feel like it. Loss is complicated and crazy so deal with it however you see fit (yell and scream, cry, listen to music, change your hair style, paint, pray, etc.). Talk with those you love and trust (even those on this site if you need to) even if its just about a TV show to allow yourself to realize that you are not alone.

Keep the good memories within your heart and mind, allow yourself to let go of the not so good ones. Everything you go through in life will only make you a better and stronger individual.

Again, I really am sorry that this has happened and always know that you are never truly alone. You will get through this, have faith :)

When it comes to voting comments, I use the «If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all approach» but in my opinion, that sentence would earn a negative vote.

First off, you say to keep the good memories and let go of the bad ones. You seem to want to have your cake and eat it too as it is often said. Also, how can that possibly be done? I submit it can't.

And then, how is anyone suppose to become a stronger individual with whatever one goes through if he/she only retains the good stuff? No, my good sir, that is not how memory works. We don't burn ourselves on the stove anymore because we remember it is hot. This is precisely why I say closure doesn't exist. Not only do we seem unable to get rid of bad memories but they also seem to be of use for us.

I don't mind the critique so if a negative vote is entitled, even for just a poorly stated sentence I respect it.

I wasn't trying to imply to keep everything good and nothing bad, I apologize for my wording. Rather, I was trying to relate that you cannot dwell on the bad and regretful moments that have happened forever. It's okay to feel this way from time to time, especially in the beginning of such a loss as this. Your right, you don't need to let them disappear since those can make you stronger as well, but it can become unhealthy to focus on those and never remember the good.

I can be a pretty big pessimist (a lot better now thankfully) and even now I can go to my bad memories pretty quick. I even had a point in life (around the time I had to leave fakku) that everything bad in my life engulfed me to the point of a pretty bad depression... I just want her to be careful of her unpleasant feelings, they can ruin the ones that are meaningful.

I have had a lot of loss in my life and even though I have not gone though this loss specifically, I know how hard it can be and the things that can happen mentally and physically... especially if you let yourself get lost in grief, pain, sadness, anger and regret.

I will try to reword that sentence: "keep the good memories close and loved. Keep the bad memories as well, but never allow yourself to become lost in them. You will become a stronger individual with both in hand"

If it was a wording problem, then not giving a negative vote was the right choice (even though I never give any negative or positive votes). Still, to avoid this back and forth being a complete waste, my previous comment ought now to be interpreted as a continuation to my first post.

We all have regrets, particularly when it comes to actions involving the people we love. It's not something you get over as much as it is something that you come to terms with as a social learning tool. You may never get the closure you feel you should (I haven't), but think about what you can do in the future in order to avoid making the same mistakes.

We don't control what we truly desire in our subconscious, so whether you feel should follow your heart more or be grateful for what you already have or whatever else, only you can work out the lessons personally best for you to take away from this experience. Take your time to grieve, and don't rush yourself.

I hope you can find the perspective for consolation that's right for you.

I want to thank you all for your support and kinds words... It's been a really weird holiday with him not being here (we hung out on New Year's Eve last year, and shortly after that was when our "fling" happened).

I made a thread about this because I was hoping for a lot of different perspectives/advice - there aren't many irl friends or family I can talk to about this (I'm in counseling to talk about it, and it's helpful, but usually speaking to just one person isn't enough for me) - and I find all of your comments to be really helpful. It's very interesting for me to see how other people handle events like this, and the teachings they share with other people after they make it through them. I'm a nursing student, and one of the things I try hardest to remember is that every patient copes and responds differently, even if they're facing the same situation. This doesn't mean however, that people can't adapt or try other people's methods of coping (provided they aren't destructive!), as they may find something new that works for them.

I find your words to be very comforting. Thank you so much. Happy new year.

I hope you won't mind this post. I ought to have made a reply earlier.

Thank you for your kind remarks. If you have anything else (hopefully more cheerful) you would like to share with us, you can try interacting with this community. (I suggest the Random Section) For me, doing anything, preferably productive, to take my mind off unpleasant thoughts is my way of dealing with problems.

I joined the forums due to the sense of community it provided and the fact that people all around the world post here. Would be glad to befriend you as well.