What do you think about this story.
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This story is besed on a true story about my cousin. He wanted to write a novel about his dream. Everyone's free to criticize. The reason that I posted this here is because I find most of the members of fakku to be very intelligent and wise. I try my best to translate all the foreign languages.
Last night and the night before that, I had a dream....
Dec. 7
It's the same as everyday here at Australia. A normal, boring, but peaceful day. I did my chores, watched TV and played DOTA. Then, my dad comes home and told me to get ready. We're going to greet our new neighbor, who's also a filipino. I dressed properly, brushed my teeth and set the "burglar alarm" as my dad locked the door and we walk to the house right in front of our's. My dad pressed the doorbell and a middle-aged man answered the door.
"Oh, hello!" He said.
My dad answered: "Musta kababayan!?"[what's up my fellow countrymen!?]
They talked about something (which I don't remember), and he welcome us inside the house. He introduced us to his wife and his son.
"Ay sandali, yung panganay ko nasa taas, tawagin ko lang"[Oh wait a sec, my eldest is upstairs, I'll just call her]. He shouted his daughter's name (which I can't seem to remember) and I heard footsteps. I was so stunned, It's like I saw an angel climbing down the stairs. He introduced his daughter. She's 16, but she looks more like 13. She was smiling at me but I still haven't recovered.
"Kuya, ok ka lang?"[Big brother, are you ok?] She said
"Ay sorry, may naalala lang ako. George din pala pangalan ko, Jr ako eh. Jr nalang itawag mo sakin para di magka lituhan."[Oh sorry, I just remembered something. George is my name as well, because I'm a Jr. You can call me Jr so it wont be confusing]
After that, we both played with her little brother while both of our dad's are having a chat inside the house. It was really fun, not because I enjoy playing. It's because I got to spend my time with the cutest girl I ever met. After that, me and my dad left.
Her dad said: "Salamat sa pag bisita kababayan! Kung walang ginagawa yung anak mo, papuntahin mo sya dito anytime. Wala pa kasing kaibigan yung mga anak ko dito. Nag aadjust palang sila eh."[Thank you for visiting my fellow countrymen! If your son isn't doing anything, he can visit us anytime. My kids doesn't have any friends yet. They're still adjusting] My dad answered: "Sige, pwede din silang bumisita sa bahay anytime. Lagi lang namang nasa bahay anak ko eh."[Ok, they can also visit our house anytime. My son is always at home anyway]
As we walk home, she waved at me and said: "Kuya, next time ulit ha!"[big brother, see you next time!]
Dec.8
After that, I woke up. It's just a dream... Oh well, we're going to a party tonight. I get to see the girl that I like, and I'll ask her to dance with me! But I suddenly remember the figure of that girl. I told myself: "It's just a dream, she does not exist!" I just took my suit out and get it ready for tonight.
Me, Dad, Tita[Aunt] and Tito[uncle] went to the party. I participated on a Gangnam Style contest. I think that I was the best dancer out of the 3 of us, but we just let the little boy win. The price is just one small box of chocolate. After that it's time for the dance, I was waiting for an opportunity to ask her to dance. But I was just too shy to ask her. I even asked the DJ if he could play a love song during the dance, but he said that I have to ask one of the organizers to do that. I immediately drank 2 bottles of beer to gain confidence, in which I think is a very idiotic logic, but I just did it anyway out of desperation. Finally, I asked her to dance. But I'm still to shy to hold her hand, and her mother is just besides us. A few minutes later, her mom told me that they were leaving. I just shaked her hand for less than a sec and that's it... I feel so stupid for being so "torpe"[which litterally means: A guy who is too shy to make a move to a girl he likes]. I just wanted to get drunk at that time.
Dec. 9
We got home around 12:30AM. I'm a little drunk so I went to bed without changing and I fall asleep....
When I woke up, I looked outside and I saw that girl again... She was waving at me, so I went outside to talk to her.
"Jr mamaya mag isa ka lang naman sa bahay diba? Punta ka mamaya sa bahay namin! Laro ulit tayo tatlo ng kapatid ko!"[Jr, are you alone later? Go to our house later. Let's play with my little brother again] Not only her body, but her personality is like a child as well. I went to her house and the three of us played again. And again, all I did was to stare at her cute and innocent face. She looks back at me occasionally, but I just look away. After that, the day seems to be so fast. I went home and went to bed, but all I could ever think about was her smiling face. The next morning, the same thing happened. She invited me to her house again. Again and again, everyday. I spent my time with her, until I get the feeling that I'm starting to fall in love with her. One day, I woke up very early. I did my chores, took a shower and did everything that needs to be done inside the house. Cause I wanted to spend my time with her a little longer. I'm waiting, but it seems that she's not calling me yet. I got a little worried so I went to her house. I ring the doorbell and she answered the door.
"Um... Jr, bakit?"[um... Jr, what is it?] She said
I answered: "Ah wala naman, kasi nasanay lang ako na araw araw mo akong tinatawag na pumunta sa bahay nyo. Pero ngayon, di mo ko tinawag kaya medyo nag alala ako."[Oh it's nothing, because I got used to be invited to your house. But today, you didn't call me so I got a little worried.]
She said: "Ay, hehe. Wala kasi kapatid ko eh, sinama ni mama at papa. Ako lang mag isa sa bahay"[Oh, hehe. It's because my brother isn't here, he went with mom and dad. I'm alone right now]
So she's alone huh, no wonder she didn't invite me. I mean, it'll be awkward for us to be alone together.
So, I replied: "Ay, ganun ba. Ah sorry sa abala. Sige, bukas nalang."[Oh, is that so. Sorry for the trouble] As I leave, I suddenly feel that someone pulled my hand and heard: "Sandali lang!"[wait!]
I turn around... And she said while looking down: "Kung ok lang sayo. Gusto mong makipaglaro sakin?"[If it's ok with you. Do you want to play with me?"
I'm blushing! My head is full of thoughts! What did she mean by MAKIPAGLARO!?[PLAY WITH!?] Does she mean that.... NO WAY! That'll be my first time, and I'm sure that it'll be her's as well!
Without thinking I replied: "Sige..."[Okay...]
She just smiled at me and shouted "Yehey!"[yepee!]
As I enter the house, I'm so nervous... She pulled my hand and we went to her room HUH!? I saw a monopoly game board.
"Jr, tara! Gusto ko sanang subukan to eh. Buti may kalaro na ako"[Jr, lets go! I really wanted to try this. Good thing you came] she said.
I'm a fuckin, stupid and perverted guy to even think of something like that. Shame on me!
We played for a while and I'm winning. She looks a little angry and she immediately touch my shoulder and shouted "Taya!"[Tag!] and ran outside.
Haha, she really act like a child... She's too innocent to know about love. I'll just keep these feelings to myself. I went outside and we keep playing tag. It was really fun... If I could, I wanted to spend the rest of my time playing with her. As time pass by, I ran inside and hide at the kitchen. Suddenly, I felt that someone grabbed my back and shouted "Huli ka!"[Gotcha!]. We both laugh and laugh and laugh some more..... Until we saw the mirror. It looks a lot like she was hugging me from behind. We both felt embarrass and she let go of me. It's a really awkward moment, so I think that I really need to go home.
"Ahaha, salamat sa pag imbita sakin ah. Sa susunod ulit, sige uwi na ako"[Ahaha, thanks for inviting me. See you next time, I'm going home]
Then, she suddenly hugged me from behind... I was shocked, my heart was beating really fast. And she whispered to me with a very soft voice the words: "I love you..." As I turn around with my eyes wide open, I saw her blushing really hard.
"I love you! Kaya lagi kitang iniimbita sa bahay, hindi para sa kapatid ko. Gusto lang talaga kitang makasama araw araw! Mahal na mahal kita!"[I love you! That's why I always invite you, not because of my brother. I just want to spend my time with you everyday]
I was left speechless. This feeling, I never thought that she also feel the same way... I just realized, my tears... It won't stop...
"Ok ka lang, uy!? Bakit ka umiiyak!?"[Hey, Are you ok!? Why are you crying?] She asked. I immediately hugged her.... "Mahal na mahal din kita. Sorry medyo emotional ako ngayon.... I love you...."[I love you too. Sorry for being a little emotional right now.... i love you....]
We hugges each other for a few more minutes. It's the first time that someone loved me back romantically. This is one of the happiest moments of my life. As I left her house, she was waving at me and she shouted "See you tomorrow!"
I just waved back to her. What's wrong with me, we're officially a couple and I'm still embarrass... After that, I immediately went to bed.
Suddenly, my dad woke me up. It's 9:30AM and it's still Dec.9. Huh... It's all a dream!? I felt really sad. If it's a dream, I wish I never woke up. I spent my entire day thinking about that girl... What's her name? Why did I have a continuation of my last dream? What does this all mean?
I just distracted myself with facebook and Manny Paquiao's fight. Right now, we just got home and I'm thinking of writing this wonderful story about my dream. To tell everyone that if ever I did not wake up from my sleep, you all know that I'm on a happy place. I will sleep tonight, hoping to have the continuation of my dream and spend my first day with her as her official boyfriend. Some people might think that I'm stupid for chasing someone who doesn't even exist. But for me, she'll always be a part of my life.
Last night and the night before that, I had a dream....
Dec. 7
It's the same as everyday here at Australia. A normal, boring, but peaceful day. I did my chores, watched TV and played DOTA. Then, my dad comes home and told me to get ready. We're going to greet our new neighbor, who's also a filipino. I dressed properly, brushed my teeth and set the "burglar alarm" as my dad locked the door and we walk to the house right in front of our's. My dad pressed the doorbell and a middle-aged man answered the door.
"Oh, hello!" He said.
My dad answered: "Musta kababayan!?"[what's up my fellow countrymen!?]
They talked about something (which I don't remember), and he welcome us inside the house. He introduced us to his wife and his son.
"Ay sandali, yung panganay ko nasa taas, tawagin ko lang"[Oh wait a sec, my eldest is upstairs, I'll just call her]. He shouted his daughter's name (which I can't seem to remember) and I heard footsteps. I was so stunned, It's like I saw an angel climbing down the stairs. He introduced his daughter. She's 16, but she looks more like 13. She was smiling at me but I still haven't recovered.
"Kuya, ok ka lang?"[Big brother, are you ok?] She said
"Ay sorry, may naalala lang ako. George din pala pangalan ko, Jr ako eh. Jr nalang itawag mo sakin para di magka lituhan."[Oh sorry, I just remembered something. George is my name as well, because I'm a Jr. You can call me Jr so it wont be confusing]
After that, we both played with her little brother while both of our dad's are having a chat inside the house. It was really fun, not because I enjoy playing. It's because I got to spend my time with the cutest girl I ever met. After that, me and my dad left.
Her dad said: "Salamat sa pag bisita kababayan! Kung walang ginagawa yung anak mo, papuntahin mo sya dito anytime. Wala pa kasing kaibigan yung mga anak ko dito. Nag aadjust palang sila eh."[Thank you for visiting my fellow countrymen! If your son isn't doing anything, he can visit us anytime. My kids doesn't have any friends yet. They're still adjusting] My dad answered: "Sige, pwede din silang bumisita sa bahay anytime. Lagi lang namang nasa bahay anak ko eh."[Ok, they can also visit our house anytime. My son is always at home anyway]
As we walk home, she waved at me and said: "Kuya, next time ulit ha!"[big brother, see you next time!]
Dec.8
After that, I woke up. It's just a dream... Oh well, we're going to a party tonight. I get to see the girl that I like, and I'll ask her to dance with me! But I suddenly remember the figure of that girl. I told myself: "It's just a dream, she does not exist!" I just took my suit out and get it ready for tonight.
Me, Dad, Tita[Aunt] and Tito[uncle] went to the party. I participated on a Gangnam Style contest. I think that I was the best dancer out of the 3 of us, but we just let the little boy win. The price is just one small box of chocolate. After that it's time for the dance, I was waiting for an opportunity to ask her to dance. But I was just too shy to ask her. I even asked the DJ if he could play a love song during the dance, but he said that I have to ask one of the organizers to do that. I immediately drank 2 bottles of beer to gain confidence, in which I think is a very idiotic logic, but I just did it anyway out of desperation. Finally, I asked her to dance. But I'm still to shy to hold her hand, and her mother is just besides us. A few minutes later, her mom told me that they were leaving. I just shaked her hand for less than a sec and that's it... I feel so stupid for being so "torpe"[which litterally means: A guy who is too shy to make a move to a girl he likes]. I just wanted to get drunk at that time.
Dec. 9
We got home around 12:30AM. I'm a little drunk so I went to bed without changing and I fall asleep....
When I woke up, I looked outside and I saw that girl again... She was waving at me, so I went outside to talk to her.
"Jr mamaya mag isa ka lang naman sa bahay diba? Punta ka mamaya sa bahay namin! Laro ulit tayo tatlo ng kapatid ko!"[Jr, are you alone later? Go to our house later. Let's play with my little brother again] Not only her body, but her personality is like a child as well. I went to her house and the three of us played again. And again, all I did was to stare at her cute and innocent face. She looks back at me occasionally, but I just look away. After that, the day seems to be so fast. I went home and went to bed, but all I could ever think about was her smiling face. The next morning, the same thing happened. She invited me to her house again. Again and again, everyday. I spent my time with her, until I get the feeling that I'm starting to fall in love with her. One day, I woke up very early. I did my chores, took a shower and did everything that needs to be done inside the house. Cause I wanted to spend my time with her a little longer. I'm waiting, but it seems that she's not calling me yet. I got a little worried so I went to her house. I ring the doorbell and she answered the door.
"Um... Jr, bakit?"[um... Jr, what is it?] She said
I answered: "Ah wala naman, kasi nasanay lang ako na araw araw mo akong tinatawag na pumunta sa bahay nyo. Pero ngayon, di mo ko tinawag kaya medyo nag alala ako."[Oh it's nothing, because I got used to be invited to your house. But today, you didn't call me so I got a little worried.]
She said: "Ay, hehe. Wala kasi kapatid ko eh, sinama ni mama at papa. Ako lang mag isa sa bahay"[Oh, hehe. It's because my brother isn't here, he went with mom and dad. I'm alone right now]
So she's alone huh, no wonder she didn't invite me. I mean, it'll be awkward for us to be alone together.
So, I replied: "Ay, ganun ba. Ah sorry sa abala. Sige, bukas nalang."[Oh, is that so. Sorry for the trouble] As I leave, I suddenly feel that someone pulled my hand and heard: "Sandali lang!"[wait!]
I turn around... And she said while looking down: "Kung ok lang sayo. Gusto mong makipaglaro sakin?"[If it's ok with you. Do you want to play with me?"
I'm blushing! My head is full of thoughts! What did she mean by MAKIPAGLARO!?[PLAY WITH!?] Does she mean that.... NO WAY! That'll be my first time, and I'm sure that it'll be her's as well!
Without thinking I replied: "Sige..."[Okay...]
She just smiled at me and shouted "Yehey!"[yepee!]
As I enter the house, I'm so nervous... She pulled my hand and we went to her room HUH!? I saw a monopoly game board.
"Jr, tara! Gusto ko sanang subukan to eh. Buti may kalaro na ako"[Jr, lets go! I really wanted to try this. Good thing you came] she said.
I'm a fuckin, stupid and perverted guy to even think of something like that. Shame on me!
We played for a while and I'm winning. She looks a little angry and she immediately touch my shoulder and shouted "Taya!"[Tag!] and ran outside.
Haha, she really act like a child... She's too innocent to know about love. I'll just keep these feelings to myself. I went outside and we keep playing tag. It was really fun... If I could, I wanted to spend the rest of my time playing with her. As time pass by, I ran inside and hide at the kitchen. Suddenly, I felt that someone grabbed my back and shouted "Huli ka!"[Gotcha!]. We both laugh and laugh and laugh some more..... Until we saw the mirror. It looks a lot like she was hugging me from behind. We both felt embarrass and she let go of me. It's a really awkward moment, so I think that I really need to go home.
"Ahaha, salamat sa pag imbita sakin ah. Sa susunod ulit, sige uwi na ako"[Ahaha, thanks for inviting me. See you next time, I'm going home]
Then, she suddenly hugged me from behind... I was shocked, my heart was beating really fast. And she whispered to me with a very soft voice the words: "I love you..." As I turn around with my eyes wide open, I saw her blushing really hard.
"I love you! Kaya lagi kitang iniimbita sa bahay, hindi para sa kapatid ko. Gusto lang talaga kitang makasama araw araw! Mahal na mahal kita!"[I love you! That's why I always invite you, not because of my brother. I just want to spend my time with you everyday]
I was left speechless. This feeling, I never thought that she also feel the same way... I just realized, my tears... It won't stop...
"Ok ka lang, uy!? Bakit ka umiiyak!?"[Hey, Are you ok!? Why are you crying?] She asked. I immediately hugged her.... "Mahal na mahal din kita. Sorry medyo emotional ako ngayon.... I love you...."[I love you too. Sorry for being a little emotional right now.... i love you....]
We hugges each other for a few more minutes. It's the first time that someone loved me back romantically. This is one of the happiest moments of my life. As I left her house, she was waving at me and she shouted "See you tomorrow!"
I just waved back to her. What's wrong with me, we're officially a couple and I'm still embarrass... After that, I immediately went to bed.
Suddenly, my dad woke me up. It's 9:30AM and it's still Dec.9. Huh... It's all a dream!? I felt really sad. If it's a dream, I wish I never woke up. I spent my entire day thinking about that girl... What's her name? Why did I have a continuation of my last dream? What does this all mean?
I just distracted myself with facebook and Manny Paquiao's fight. Right now, we just got home and I'm thinking of writing this wonderful story about my dream. To tell everyone that if ever I did not wake up from my sleep, you all know that I'm on a happy place. I will sleep tonight, hoping to have the continuation of my dream and spend my first day with her as her official boyfriend. Some people might think that I'm stupid for chasing someone who doesn't even exist. But for me, she'll always be a part of my life.
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not bad at all. Maybe a little scenery added (for like where the party took place, what her house and or room looked like, what color hair,shit like that). I also would change something about the different languages being used. Maybe do it like this: "Come play with me!" she demanded in (whatever language that was). Sorry if I came off as too critical, but it really is a good concept.
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COOKIES4LIFE wrote...
not bad at all. Maybe a little scenery added (for like where the party took place, what her house and or room looked like, what color hair,shit like that). I also would change something about the different languages being used. Maybe do it like this: "Come play with me!" she demanded in (whatever language that was). Sorry if I came off as too critical, but it really is a good concept.Nice! You got a really good suggestion! Thank you very much, I'll be sure to tell him about your advices!
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Also, one last thing I noticed (only noticed it cause I do it all the time) is verb tense consistency. For instance "I am feeling pretty drunk so I went to bed" Not a bad thing to do in a story, but the story shifts from a present narrative to past narrative, which can be jarring for the audience.
If I'm going to write a story or something, I stick to past tense simply because it's easier to do. Like you are telling your buddy about what happened last night.
I realize now, from rereading you original post, that English probably isn't your first language. And, judging from what kind of site this is, I'm assuming Japanese is in there somewhere. So, basically I was saying end every thing in mashita style not masu. past tense is always easier to write in.
If I'm going to write a story or something, I stick to past tense simply because it's easier to do. Like you are telling your buddy about what happened last night.
I realize now, from rereading you original post, that English probably isn't your first language. And, judging from what kind of site this is, I'm assuming Japanese is in there somewhere. So, basically I was saying end every thing in mashita style not masu. past tense is always easier to write in.
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Gravity cat
the adequately amused
rahulroy wrote...
http://www.longestlist.com/file/28cl82vecm8fu/[/SAFE SEX HERE]Nice necro, spambot.