Wife wants to have kids...Help Please

So I am turning 23 this coming January and because of that my wife (Who is about 3 months older) brought the topic of having kids, hopefully for next year.
Personally I am not ready and I know I am not ready. I avoid doing the "thing" without a condom because I don't want kids at least not this early. I just don't know what will happen if I say no. Killing, Murder, Mass Hysteria. Any advice would be complemented with a smiley face.

P.S: Are for a girl or a boy????

Well...A kid is a big responsibility so if you feel you aren't ready then you should say that to her. I personally think that 23 is a bit young although definitely not an outrageous age. What is most important is that both you and your wife feel that it is the right time to have a kid and both of you can support a kid's needs.

If you aren't ready, say so. It is a big responsibility and should be given a decent amount of thought. That said, don't put it off forever as that would be just not listening to what she wants. I don't think it is that surprising at the young age of 23 to feel like you aren't ready for a kid. I know a few people who had kids in their mid-late 20's-early 30's and they were better able to deal with taking care of a kid due to maturity/life/job stability.

I hardly think that being a guy or girl matters. But I'm a guy.

I definitely think you need to approach her about that. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Simple as that. If she respects your wishes, then she will at least listen to what you have to say and hopefully come to an agreement on the subject. Kids are a huge responsibility, so neither partner can go into parenthood with half-assed feelings. And yeah, you're still 23, there is no rush. :P

Having kids is a joint decision (at least prior to conception).

If you don't want them, that's okay. But know your feelings might effect your relationship with your wife...

You should talk to her about it. If you are in the U.S., you should know that we are getting close to our fiscal cliff and if things don't work out right, a lot of things will be more expensive. So, in a way, having a family would be more expensive.

This is just my opinion, but I personally think 23 is a little too young for children. At that age, you should focus on setting up your career so that way you can have a good income to support your future family.

This is a big decision that should involve both of you. She isn't the only one who gets to say when she is ready. You do as well. A child who grows up with a neglectful and/or disinterested parent is set up to have a lot of problems in life, especially if that parent decides to leave the family later on. These aren't things people usually plan on doing, but when you're overwhelmed it is easy to make the wrong decision. You want to make sure you are emotionally and financially prepared for the huge life changes that come when you start a family.

Questions to consider:
-Why would you want to have a child?
-How is your relationship?
-How do you communicate with each other about your needs, dreams, and fears?
(Obviously not very well if you have to come here for advice.)
-Have you passed the honeymoon stage? Has your relationship been stable for at least 1-2 years?
-Are you financially ready to have a child?
-Are you prepared for the lifestyle changes?
(Depending on the age of the child, expenses ranged from $8,480 to $9,630 for households with gross income less than $57,600; from $11,880 to $13,830 for households with gross income from $57,600-$99,730; and from $19,770 to $23,690 for households with gross income of more than $99,730.)
-Have you achieved your core goals?
-Can you lead a fulfilling life without having children?
-Do you have outside support?

Red flags include:
-Physical, emotional or verbal abuse in the relationship.
-A partner that has an untreated addiction or mental illness like major depression.
-Couples who haven’t figured out how to support each other’s differences.
-Couples who aren’t sure why they want to have kids.
-Frequent arguing or dissatisfaction in the relationship.
-Trust issues, such as infidelity.
-Irresponsibility from one or both partners, when it comes to work, money and basic responsibilities.

When in doubt:
-Write down your concerns, so you know exactly what is troubling you.
-Talk to your partner directly and diplomatically.
-Talk to close family members and friends who have gone through the changes that come with starting a family.

Communication is key in a relationship you guys need to sit down and talk to each other. Also make sure you take into account how much it cost to raise a child. As a personal opinion though I think your too young.

everybody has made good points bottomline just talk to her and it is a bit early at 23 maybe wait until 30 i would think thats a good age and it gives you some room if you want more than one child i say that cause well im 20 and my mother is 60 ok well thats irrelevant but still TALK to her

If you don't feel like you can properly raise a child don't have one

Bringing a child to the world is a huge step and responsibilities. I think you two are too young still to have a child but plenty of time to enjoy a married couple's life fully.

While it's obvious that financially a baby is a huge expense, there are also emotional factors playing, because your love life with your wife will change when the baby gets into the picture. It's fine not feeling ready,

My wife and I agreed to not have kids for a few years and enjoy our lives together, and I am 29

This is a good point also. How long have you two been married? You're both still young, and you should enjoy being young together. My boyfriend and I consider even having a pet a huge responsibility - let alone a child! It might seem wrong to say so directly, but it definitely limits your opportunities in life. Aren't there still things your wife wants to accomplish before she has children? For instance, travelling, settling into a better job, or simply building up finances for other things like a better living situation.

I'm not going to say that you're wrong for getting married as young as 23, because my grandmother got married at 16 and had my dad at 17 (for a total of five children altogether). They were happily married until he passed away a few years ago. However, let's be realistic - it isn't as easy as it use to be to have that many kids, and even they suffered A LOT of financial hardships due to both their age and their growing family number. They also had a child who had to have a very dangerous, experimental surgery when she was only a toddler, and while she lived long enough to have two children of her own they still had to stand back and watch when she passed away at the young age of 35. Do you have the emotional maturity, strength of spirit, and financial security to handle a child who might have health problems? You can't really plan for that sort of thing, but do you think you could be able to get through it?

You never really stop "growing up" - you're always going to learn new things as you go along and suffer hardships that you don't know how to handle. However, your children deserve the best 'you' that you can possibly provide them at the time. Do you think you have the maturity level to be able to handle all the obstacles that come with child rearing? Children don't know how to be quiet when you need them to. They don't care if you're tired or you're at your breaking point. You can't talk to them about adult matters, and expect them to give you an adult answer. You're always, always going to have to be the "adult" and the "parent" in absolutely every situation. It's perfectly okay to not be ready for that yet.

"Wife wants to have kids...Help Please" i volunteer to help your wife have kids*wink wink*nudge nudge*.


but seriously, kids are soul sucking, money eating, endless tornadoes of destruction(both figuratively and literaly). get a dog. less money eating, no soul sucking. i suggest a herding dog. their need for constat stimulation will come close to the destructive force of a child.

your worries about not having kids yet stressing the relationship is disturbing to me. if that is something that could cause her to become very upset, or even end the relationship makes me think the stress of actually having a kid would be more than she could handle.



"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
-Elizabeth Stone

Ask her why she wants to have a baby so badly. Ask her why it's so important for her to rush this. Then tell her that you aren't ready for it, also tell her why you don't want a kid yet. Like for starters, maybe you want to enjoy your life as a couple a little longer, travel some more and have fun together? Or maybe you want to make your situation stable, to prepare a nice environment before the kid gets there. Maybe you should tell her, that you would love to have a child with her, but that you want to do it properly. So you can teach the child all the wonders of the world without any stress that could make it very hard on you two parents. I hope this helped you a bit. Anyway, best of luck to you. I don't have any experience in this at all... but keep in mind that when you choose to raise a child, the only reward you get is the smile on its face.

Tell her you aren't ready, whats worse dealing with an upset woman for a little while, or a kid you didn't want for the rest of your life?

If she refuses to be rational perhaps this might be a deal breaker, I mean kids are a huge responsibility and if you don't feel up to it then don't have any, period. Only a spineless fool would give in to pressure from a spouse and father a child/children he has no desire to raise. This is like any other relationship boundary, though if she crosses it and "ooopses" you the consequences are a bit more difficult to deal with.

BTW I am a childfree woman, and while I am married, my husband knows that if he wants kids he will be having them with someone else. Thank science for contraception, it's a glorious thing.

Well I told her a couple of days after I made this post...Well it all went relatively well except for the part she slapped me...Hard...in the face for not telling her earlier....Thanks to all who helped me. Have a merry Christmas!!

Wow she slapped you?! Thats fucked up. Seriously. Id tell her to pack her shit and go. No matter how trivial it might seem abuse should never be tolerated.

If you love her truly,

You say no.

If you don't love her truly,

You say no.

Not ready is not ready, there is no right or wrong way to tell someone you're not ready. If she's mad, she's mad. If she leaves, she leaves. But the very last thing this world needs is a kid whose parents either abandon them, or screw them up because they weren't ready for one when they had one.

Huh, well, I agree with her about the not telling her sooner, since the idea of kids are one of the hugest, fundamental discussions a couple has to both discuss and come to a consensus on in order to go the distance.. this is not a trivial matter at all.

However, once the initial shock of your confession wears off, give her an ultimatum about the physical contact. Movies make slaps look like they're commonplace, but it really actually is physical abuse and shouldn't be tolerated. I'm very certain that if it never happened before, it was most likely just the heat of the moment and the sheer shock of it all that led to it, either way... make it clear you won't tolerate it a second time.

Well, it all worked out fine in the end and let me tell ya... I ended up laughing a couple of hours later for thinking of how she slapped me back during HS graduation (I really did piss her off that time.). Hopefully it won't happen again for a couple.

Yeah dude, that's still abuse. Just because she was upset doesn't negate the fact that she put hands on you in an effort to make her point made.