Worry too much?

Ever worry about something so much (e.g. not hurting someone) that in so doing you end up hurting them more than you could have if you were just honest with how you were feeling to begin with?

Warning: Wall of text, that is about myself and someone else. Don't care? Don't read. Just answer my question if you wish with your own story, or just return to the Forums now.

I managed to really "screw the pooch" today.

I have a friend in Greece who I've become quite smitten over. She knows how I feel, and I know she cares for me, however not on the same level. I went so far as to mention that I'd like to make an effort to be with her, going as far as to say I would save up money and consider moving to Europe.

Well she threw me for a loop by telling me that despite our somewhat intimate relationship online, she has strong feelings for someone at home. I was hurt, but not terribly surprised. I had been feeling guilty the whole time because I had been down the road before and swore off ever trying to meet someone on the internet. Well, I clearly didn't take my own advice and another one bites the dust.

Well at first I was doing good, I was staying civil about it and wishing her luck on her endevour to be with the man she loves. Then it turned sour. I started feeling really hurt. I mean I really loved her, and still do to be honest. The more days that went by the more I kept dwelling on it until I talked to her about it this evening. Christmas of all days. >.<

It started off with me just mentioning it in passing and it staying in a very civil manner, but things quickly turned awful. I started getting angry at myself for my own personal issues related to the matter, then getting upset with her when she was trying to help me through it when I was telling her there was nothing she could do to help me get over her. Then we started yelling and our friendship nearly ended just about there.

Then she said something that snapped me back to reality and made me start crying:

"You are a human in love. Don't beat yourself up about it cause it's gonna make things worse. But I'm gonna be a bit hard with this, so do forgive me. I'm happy to have such feelings about that guy. I'm so happy that it makes me dance in the middle of the road singing love songs and making a fool of myself in front of I dunno how many people. Do you understand what that means, Tray? Do you imagine how I will be if and when I lose this? Now. You can either be that person who is so much love with a girl that he is so selfish he wants to see her losing what she holds dear, or you can be that person who actually loves HER, as he says whether as a friend or not, and allow her to have the other person and a friend she values so much."

At first I tried to counter that I never wished her to lose her chance with this guy, nor was I trying to keep her for myself. But that was exactly what I was trying to do without realizing it. I felt so horrible. I was trying so hard to be civil. Then I was beating myself up over the whole situation without even realizing that I was hurting her more than I had realized I was ever doing. I wanted to bottle up everything so I would just feel my pain alone, only for me to cause her so much more pain by doing that.

Right now I'm just hoping we can stay friends, but even with the air cleared a bit and me feeling a lot better after letting go of so much pent up emotion from days ago, I know it is going to be an uphill battle.

I have never done anything similar to that. But I could see myself doing the same mistake. I would just say after you cool down some more tell them that you just weren't thinking right and that you want to continue to be friends.

I don't recall about worrying about someone so much that in hurt someone but I can relate to your story.
Climbing out of the hole we fell into is really torture.
I fell for a friend of mine and well I was rejected. A year later now that she is available, my feelings seems to rise up again. I spent the whole week stuck in bed thinking about her. Unable to move or make any progress. Then I realized my pitiful situation. I wasted one whole week doing nothing but daydreaming about a girl who will never feel anything towards me. I have to keep on moving cause I have only a few weeks left of winter break and I am sure not going to spend it being pitiful to myself. There were moments that I felt like talking to her again, asking her to her to say "I feel nothing for you" again. I decided to move. I am glad your friend gave you that speech, that you had someone to release your emotions. Sadly I think that I'm only putting a facade but I have to do something.

I used to date many girls who would ask me out even if I had no interest in them. I would lie to them and say I liked them just so that I wouldn't hurt their feelings. Needless to say I've stopped doing that and am now in a healthy relationship with my current girlfriend and love of my life. When I think back on it I was probably hurting them more by lying to them than telling them the truth... =\

So I think the advice that your friend gave you is really good. It takes a true man to be able to love somebody and give up that love just so that the woman he loves will be happy.

I've been in the same situation, acted out the same stupidity, pent up emotion and hated myself for weeks because of it. I feel for you from the bottom of my heart, though I know it may not mean much coming from a total stranger.

Don't make her continually worry about whether or not you'll always have those same feelings. Let her know that eventually you will get over it. It will ease her mind if only a little. Also, make sure you let her know when a subject is making you feel uncomfortable. You don't want to risk worsening the relationship or losing her as a friend. Most importantly, don't talk to her until you feel you are ready to do so and ask her if she's ready before you bring it up.

This is just my advice after going through the same situation, sorry if it offended you in any way.

Thanks guys, but I terminated the friendship myself this morning.

I simply can't just be her friend. It isn't what I want. I told her I couldn't be what she wanted me to be anymore than she could be what I wanted her to be.

But I at least wished her the best of luck with this guy.

That was the best option, because from the sound of what she said, she didn't really care about you, since she told you directly that she wanted you to continue in the painful role of watching her love someone else, just so that she wouldn't be sad when you stopped conversing with her. Hypocrite much?

Well, just for the sake if anyone cares. I totally couldn't do it. I tried to cut off all ties from her but couldn't, so barely a few days went by and I went about breaking the ice.

I'm amazed she was so receptive. I wasn't an asshole about it, but I did say that I thought it would be better that we never talked again and just drifted apart. I guess that does show that even though she doesn't love me in return she does care enough about me to put up with my indecisiveness.

So we're talking again, and despite the fact that she has deep feelings for someone else ,we still flirt around a lot, which really confuses me. The more conservatively romantic side of me is often bothered by the idea, but at the same time she simply put it that "we like having fun with each other."

I don't know what that means is going to happen if and when she ends up with this guy or another other person for that matter, but one thing I think I have learned is to not think about it too much and dread over it like I have a tendency to do. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I'd do the same thing man. So don't feel bad =]

She sounds like a major tease.

And honestly, it sounds like you are her "side" person. The one she never actually plans to fall for but is more than willing to string along so she has someone to go to during the times she doesn't.

Winter boyfriend or some such shit.

Don't try to be her friend. If you honestly do love her, then you can't just be friends with her. It is impossible. The only way for you to "just be friends" with someone is to not have any romantic interest in them at the point you are friends.

So it might be possible to be friends down the line, but at this point? Nope. And because she sounds like a major tease I'd say you are better off moving on.

Oh she is definitely a major tease.

But, the chances that I'd even manage to come up with the kind of funds, not the mention the psychological mindset, to be with her are astronomical. I was deluding myself in thinking I could ever be with her to begin with. Otherwise her teasing nature would definitely need to be addressed.

I'm never going to be anything more than her "sex friend" at the most, and I've learned to accept that. It might very well be better for both of us if we just move on, but I'm still too selfish. I want her in my life in some fashion, than to not have her in my life at all.

I didn't say be with her. In fact, you should try for it. She's just a tease.

Don't accept just being a sex friend at most. You are deluding yourself and you know it. If you keep this up, you'll miss perfectly good chances at discovering romantic interest elsewhere that you will pass up because of this attachment.

Of course, I do realize that is easier said than done. Been there before. But if you don't ever try to do anything about it you'll regret it. That I also know.

Oh I know what you are saying. To be honest that's part of what I like about the relationship I have with this girl. It's anonymous. I conveniently forgot that was one of my "selling points" before I went and wore my heart out on my sleeve.

I have too much crap in my own life that needs serious attention and organization before I can adequately share my life with someone else, and their life in return.

Hmmm, while I can't exactly give you any words of advice in this particular situation, I have suffered a similar ordeal. Being in love with someone who has fallen for someone else, while she continues to tease you (perhaps even toy with you).

All I have to say is, good luck and do what you think if best for you. Just try to get things straight for yourself, you need to look out for yourself in the end.