E3 2015

****GREATEST LINEUP IN XBOX HISTORY****
****GREATEST LINEUP IN XBOX HISTORY****
****GREATEST LINEUP IN XBOX HISTORY****

Halo
Wow. Much epic. So exclusive. Such lens flare.

Osiris member Edward Buck, dude likes a good fuck, he'll xbone Cortana and turn the Chief into a cuck.

Recore
From the makers of Metroid, we present a game that will never live up to it.

XBONE Backwards Compatibility
Is that? Is that the sound of Microshit bending over Sony?

Fallout Again
>(B) You're a fucking mutt, cunt
Every time.

>(X) Execute critical
Look, I chose to win the lottery again. I'm so lucky.

EA Access
Literally 5 people clapped when he mentioned Madden. This isn't your target audience, EA, fuck off the stage. The Chucky Cheese you're looking for is down the street.

Forza
OH MY GOD IT'S A REAL CAR MUH DICK I CAN'T HANDLE THIS LET ME BREATHE FOR A MOMENT IT'S FUCKING FLYING WILL I GET IT FOR FREE IF I BUY THE GAME HOLY SHIT

Dark Souls 3
Hey look it's that literal cuntface I killed back in DS2.

The Division
The only division that'll occur when this shit releases is the parting of ass cheeks and money from wallets.

Fuck Ubishit.

Indie shit
Oh, microsoft, you so indie, you rove me rong time and charge so cheap for fucky fucky.

DayZ Guy
"I want a game that is not a game."
GOTY 2015

Hey, Dean, I heard you have a new IP. So when's DayZ going to be released after all these years? Never? Nice, I can't wait.

Tomb Raider
Look, Lara, you've got a problem. You're addicted to plastic surgery. Your own parents wouldn't be able to recognize you at this point. Your parents are dead? Hahahahaha.

Sea of Thieves
This footage is for reals please believe me would I ever lie to you

Fable Legends
I spy with my hawk-like eye, a pixie pussy.

Minecraft 3DPD
You know, that guy who introduced it had a block pin on his chest. One day someone will axe this nigga a question.

Lightning strike! Zap that bitch! This game is now Zeus Simulator.

Gears of War
More like gears of check your cis het white privilege, asshole.

>Don't touch it
What are you my Mom? Fuck you bitch I do what I want.
1 minute later
Don't touch the pods, you can trust me. I'm a xeno bukkake vet.

****GREATEST LINEUP IN XBOX HISTORY****
****GREATEST LINEUP IN XBOX HISTORY****
****GREATEST LINEUP IN XBOX HISTORY****



Next up is Sony.
>2015
>Caring about anything EA and Ubishit release

>No Scalebound

0/10 Fuck you microsoft
Pros:
Okay, the Augmented Reality headset is kinda cool. Cuphead looks like a great game, Tacoma might be interesting. Rare collection and a new IP seem okay. Backwards compatibility is a good thing even though I don't own the console myself.

I'm a huge Metroid Prime fanboy so seeing some (some of the old staff is still at retro) of their devs do something new. Fuck Kenji though, he didn't create shit and he better not fuck this up like he's doing with Mighty # 9.

Cons:
Tomb Raider and Gears of War look boring, pre-rendered and full of QTE's and linear hallways. Didn't bother with Halo. Dark Souls 3 was absolutely nothing so far, and more than likely they won't show anything of substance till TGS or gamescom. Shut the fuck with the whole "World exclusive premiere", no one fucking cares. Stop trying to push Windows 10 too.

Grade = D+


http://www.xbox.com/en-US/xbox-one/backward-compatibility/available-games
HAHAHA, Oh my, seems like nothing is really compatible.

Revised grade is D-. Stop lying through your teeth, Microsoft.

"Hey, bruh, you got a sec? Gotta talk to ya about something."

Everyone blew their load at the Backwards Compatibility. Little did they know the current number of Bcompatible games are as follow:

Banjo Kazooie: N n B
Banjo-Kazooie
Banjo-Tooie
BattleBlock Theater
Defense Grid
Geometry Wars Evolved
Hexic HD
Jetpac Refuelled
Kameo
Mass Effect
Perfect Dark
Perfect Dark Zero
Small Arms
Super Meat Boy
Toy Soldiers
Toy Soldiers: Cold War
Viva Piñata
Viva Piñata: TIP

It's going to grow but that's hardly anything mindblowing.

It's worth it just for Viva Pinata, yo.

Microsoft giving backwards compatibility makes me wonder would adding it from the start been that big of a deal and raised the price that much? Also wondering is it an update you download to system? Sony has been working on BC as well so wouldn't be surprised to see Sony say something about theirs too.

Um, hi errybody, I'm in a bit of a bind here. Listen, anybody got a hit of coke they can spare, cuz I got the shakes like a motherfucker. Love you all, bye.

>sports
>plants vs. zombies
>charming but forgettable yarn game
>plants vs. zombies
>phone game trash
>mass effect, even more nothing
>Star wars Battlefield 4
>mirror's edge makes EA's CEO the main villain, very fitting.

Grade = D-

Jesus Christ Sony, you guys really knocked it out of the park, if we're talking about presentation and hype build up.

Last Guardian is still alive and coming next year hopefully.
Shenmue 3.
Final Fantasyy 7 Remake.
Uncharted.
That one game from the Killzone people looks mildly interesting.

Sure there was boring crap in there like Destiny, No Man's Sky's, Asscreed, etc. etc., but you brought up everyone's hopes up like crazy. Here's hoping you can live up to that hype. Not a lot of exclusives. A lot of timed exclusive content which is fucking gross.

Grade = B+.

You're probably the Winner. I don't see SE or Nintendo getting people this excited. They'll be better than Microsoft/EA/Ubi, that's for sure.

The Last Guardian
The emotional tale of a dog/griffin who has to take care of a retard who can only say "googoo" and "dildo butt."

Horizon
Dev 1: Okay, you throw the first dart.
Dev 2: I got Sexy Eskimo. You next.
Dev 1: Mechanical dinosaurs.
Dev 2: Make a game out of it.

Hitman
If I turn the gun sideways before shooting they die harder. Thanks, 47, your pro tips inform my future "video games cause violence" serial killer career.

Street Fighter 5
Thick thighs

No Man's Sky
>Scans area
>No life
>Literally life right behind him
Scanner must have picked him up.

Dreams
DancingSkeletonPuppet.gif

Destiny
AnAncientEvilAwakens.ExpansionPack

"Those new supers are fucking delicious, yo."
*Crickets clapping*

Ass Creed
Throwing Knives, high tech shit. Thanks for the analysis, Helix 4.0.

FF7 Remake
I didn't see Tifa's giant high res 3D tits. You had one job, Sony.

Shenmue
"Shenmue's fate is in your hands."
That wasn't a humble plea for funding, that was a fucking threat.

>Kickstarting a game even Sony won't pay for



Arkham Knight
Stop fucking copying Fallout. The whole bleak atmosphere/circumstances juxtaposed with ye olde music is trademarked by Vault-Tec. Fuck off.

Call of Duty
The presenter's last name was Lamia. Got half a chub for a moment.

Battlefront
>Stormtroopers can't shoot for shit
>Vader at the end
>Thank the force/Force be with you/ Force push my dick into your mouth

A by the book Star Wars trailer.

Uncharted
Whoa, deja vu. There's a glitch in the Matrix, Nathan.


Sony did an amazing job showing all those exclusives. Fucking Uncharted, FF7, Call of Duty, Destiny, etc. I was very impressed.

Revising my grade to a solid B.
I forgot about the puppeteer game, and although it has a neat concept, it seems very unpolished. I expect to see a lot of dicks.
Their use of the word "exclusive" was very annoying.
No senran kagura
No mentions of the Vita.

Horizon Zero Dawn and The Last Guardian... mein gott, I need a PS4. I don't own any of the eighth-gen consoles. Now there's finally games coming out that make me want to buy one.

Oh yeah, and Battlefront.

That Final Fantasy World game and a 5 second montage.


Yeah I know I almost missed it as well.

Huh, that's right, it's going for both system.

I guess I should revise it to, "They didn't really focus on the vita". I'm sure they had a roll of indies in there that are getting a vita port too, but it's nothing.

Here's hoping for something at this year's TGS.

Sony already started calling the Vita a "legacy" platform. So in otherwords, they've all but given up on it.

Well the Horizon game looked really interesting. I would like to see more from it in the future. But thank you Sony for finally showing some Last Guardian and Shenmue and then Battlefront looked great. Conference just felt like they kept giving you more and more and not nearly as much downtime as last year. Though a lot of these games aren't till 2016....

Nintendo, you had a lot to live up to and you disappointed, but not nearly as bad as everyone.

You had a lot of games rather than skeevy businessman talk, but a lot of these things (granted we knew about most already). You didn't have to spend more than 5 minutes on Mario Maker.
You brought in a new Metroid Prime again...but it's a spinoff of a spinoff. Animal crossing looks comfy as usual, but it looks like another amiibo bait game.
New LoZ game looks fun, so does mario tennis, but that's more of the same.
Mario and Luigi ft. Mario from Paper Mario also looks fun and is new, but again, not what people wanted.
Fire Emblem is looking great but us getting it way after the Japanese is disappointing. The Crossover game with SMT looks like an okay thing, but not something I'm super interested.
The Skylanders amiibo game looks okay, but not something people wanted.
Yokai watch is just Pokemon with a ghost theme.
Yoshi, X, Hyrule warriors, etc. etc. look nice but aren't new announcements.

StarFox looks amazing and I can't wait.
C-
You were better than ubi, ea and Microsoft but just on virtue of not being terrible.
You were so-so at best.

Now it's time for Square.

You know how we call using images of gratuitous gore for the viewing pleasure of dismemberment aficionados "gore porn?" By the same token, I call Nintendo's digital event kiddie porn.

Square Enix saving console j-RPGs? If their new studio's name is to go by, I'd say yes!
The new CEO is doing miracles.