A New Life
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Prologue
This is the story of Allen Blair, an 18-year old, high school senior, who lived with his parents in their house in Shinjuku until they died in a bank robbery just yesterday. Shizuka Nagasaki offered to take him in until he goes to college as their families are very close. He agreed and now he's living in a two story house with the beautiful, 41 year old, mother Shizuka Nagasaki, the in and out, 21-year old Minami Nagasaki, the hard working, 20-year old Megumi Nagasaki, the manipulative and seductive, 18-year old Ringo Nagasaki, and the childish, 15-year old Misa Nagasaki.
Chapter 1: The Start of a New Life
As Allen walked in to the Nagasaki home carrying all his luggage which basically nothing but books, clothes, video games, CDs, and DVDs. Shizuka sees him struggling and asks, "oh my, do you need a hand Allen?" To which Allen replies, "No, I got this." Miraculously Allen manages to carry all his things to his room upstairs.
Shizuka was amazed that he made it, to which she said, "My my, we finally have a strong man in the house again" That made Allen remember her dead husband Yusuke Nagasaki who died in a car accident, he sometimes worked out with some equipment he bought workout, so he was kinda buff. He slow adverted his face and depressingly said, "Yeah I'm pretty stronger."
Shizuka a little bit confussed by his reaction said, "oh! I'm sorry I'll get dinner started." And went to the kitchen get dinner started.
As Shizuka left Ringo entered with a bag she was carrying with both hands and shut the door. Ringo said, "it's been a long time Allen." Allen in a slightly hateful voice replied, "Yeah, but not long enough. Why are you even here, trying to make me steal something again and humiliate me in front of the girl I like and half the popular kids again and whats in the bag!?"
4 year ago in the 8th grade Allen had a crush on Nami Ogawa who was a cheerleader and very popular. He asked Ringo who was one of her friends to set him up on a date with Nami. Ringo decided to set up a deal, "I'll set you up with Nami if you give me your mothers diamond earings you know the ones she never wears and do my home work for about a week." He accepts and got on a date with Nami, but when he got on the date with Nami at her friends party, she wasn't in her best mood. She was pissed at Ringo for making her go on the date and took it out on Allen. Halfway through the date her boyfriend Touma Mizue saw them and beat him up.
Ringo said, "Oh, please! how was I suppose to know he was gonna show up. Bottom line I got you the date. Besides you got what was coming to you, you stole from you mother and went out with a girl who had a boyfriend" Allen replied angrily, "My fault you made me steal it and I thought she'd broken up with him!"
"Well a lot can happen in a week and she ain't my mother. Now take down your pants." said Ringo.
Allen was shocked. She slowly put down the bag and went up to Allen and pulled his pants and boxers. She put her hand on his cock and slowly rubbed it, as she said, "It seems big enough. I got you a new deal, do as I say and this little guy will be very happy, got it" She then started stroking it harder.
Allen pulled his head back in ecstasy and asked, "What are you doing." "Giving you a hand job, what do you think?", replied Ringo. "That's not what I mean and you know it. What are you planning on doing", replied Allen with a voice full of pleasure and fear. She put on a mischiefs smile and said, " Something that will make everyone happy."
"What is this little plan of your?", Allen asked still filled with fear and pleasure. Ringo replied with the same mischiefs smile, "Now where's the fun in that, if I told you it would spoil the surprise." "There is no way this can end well.", he thought.
Suddenly Allen came his load all over the floor, to which Ringo commented, "My my, you came a lot you must've been holding it in for quite awhile. Oh! And you might want to clean that up before it stains." After saying he gets the tissues from the desk and cleans it up and asks her as she walking out the door, "aren't you gonna help clean it up?" "No, looks like you got it all taken care of. Oh, by the way try using what's in the bag."
Allen opens up the bag and sees weights, a resistance band, and a jump rope; he realize that it's her dads, but wonders why she gave it to him. As he turns to the door he sees she's gone. So with nothing better to do he tries them out.
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So tell me what you think
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Pretty good so far, I'll be waiting for further chapters. I found a few errors but nothing too big or important. Keep it up.
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Nice work^^
I got confused in a few parts.
A few typos here and there, But nothing major^^
Oh. And sorry for criticising you.
It's your story, and i'm just a reader^^
I got confused in a few parts.
Spoiler:
A few typos here and there, But nothing major^^
Oh. And sorry for criticising you.
It's your story, and i'm just a reader^^
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Uzumaki101 wrote...
Nice work^^I got confused in a few parts.
Spoiler:
A few typos here and there, But nothing major^^
Oh. And sorry for criticising you.
It's your story, and i'm just a reader^^
see yea i forgot to say something about the flashback i to had to reread it..
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Chapter 2: What a Mess
Allen was vacuuming in his new home, apparently with a new home comes with new chores. Megumi appeared in right front of him out of nowhere and says, " Thanks a lot. Thanks to you I have to clean the bathrooms." "MEGUMI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GO BACK AND CLEAN THE BATHROOMS!" Shizuka shouted with a very pissed face. Megumi with an angry face, she walked to the bathroom without saying a word.
Shizuka asked, "What am I gonna do with that girl? I feed her, I shelter her, I pay for her college, and she gives me... nothing but lip. Huh, What would your parents do Allen?" "Um, my parents, well I don't know, me and my folks don't really talk. If I do something wrong they just tell me and say, "Huh, you keep on disappointing us", and go on with they where doing.", Allen answered.
"Oh, I'm sorry." she replied.
"Don't sweat it."
As Shizuka went decided to go shopping, Allen just returned to vacuuming.
Allen was walking to his room after finished vacuuming, but heard Megumi calling him. He merely asked, "What do you want Megumi?" "Just come in here and I'll explain" she replied.
As Allen walked in Megumi shut the door and pulled down his pants and boxers. "wha-what are you doing?" he asked, but she merely replied, "remember, You owe me one, got it", as she rubbed it till it got hard.
Once it got hard she she said "Wow, it's pretty big" and gave it a light kiss on the tip, then put the whole thing in her saliva filled mouth. She started moving her head back and forth, while looking up at Allen's face filled with pleasure. Her pace only intensified as she continued. Every now and then she took her his cock out of her mouth, gave him a hand job, and practiced using her tongue, then put it back in her mouth.
Allen only thought about how this beats a hand job any day, till it became numb with ecstasy. Her wet mouth felt so good. When ever he looked down at her sluttish face only got him more excited.
It was so good, it only took him 5 min to cum in her mouth. Megumi opened her mouth to show Allen his cum, and then she closed it and tried to swallow it, but she choked and coffed it out. "Damn it, I couldn't swallow it... Huh, remember you owe me one Allen.", said Megumi and walked out of the bathroom. Right after that Allen pulled up his pants, he heard Megumi tell Shizuka, "Hey mommy, Allen and I decided to trade chores. It turns out that the sound of Vacuuming irritates him."
Shizuka entered the bathroom to ask Allen, "Did you and Megumi trade chores?". All just shook his head yes, but Shizuka asked, "Why did you trade chores?" He only replied, "the sound of vacuuming irritates me." Shizuka tilted her head and signed. "Just hurry and clean up the bathrooms", she replied and walked out.
Allen was walking to his room after finishing his chores, again. Ringo says, "Hey Ally, how were your chores."
"Don't call me Ally and did you have something to do with that, Rinji" replied Allen with bitterness in his eyes.
"Sis, was so upset about cleaning the bathrooms, I had to help her out and plus you and mom are so predictable, it was too easy. And she also owes me for helping out with improve with her blow job technique for her boyfriend."
"There are some many thing with what you just said; the manipulations, the "favors", the boyfriend."
"Let's just hope Touma doesn't find out again."
"Touma is her boyfriend?"
"Yeah and if you don't want him to find out you better take me shopping with your inheritance. By the way thanks for the homework" she replied as she went back into her room.
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Thanks for the replies and criticism are i'm gonna reread and correct it. Uzamaki the answers are the flash back was only that one paragraph, he was only of those guys super attracted to her, and if a girl pulled down your pants and gave you a hand job, wouldn't you let her do it. last thing Ally and Rinji are insult names to each other; Ally being a girls name and Rinji being a boys name.
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Nice chapter^^
A few typos here and there, but i'm not gonna mess around your story for a few days.
Well. To answer your question, Allen might let her but I wont. I would probably be so shocked that I might accidentaly knee her face^^
But it's your story and your characters got class, making him spend his inheritance^^
A few typos here and there, but i'm not gonna mess around your story for a few days.
Well. To answer your question, Allen might let her but I wont. I would probably be so shocked that I might accidentaly knee her face^^
But it's your story and your characters got class, making him spend his inheritance^^
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hmm very nice there was some parts that where missing some word and such but still very nice and may i say those chicks are messed
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Your story is ok in general but there were no plot altogether.... No girl suddenly just wants to 'do' it.... I mean this is just so unrealistic....
There were a few typos here and there but i'll excuse that since the mistake is not very significant. The problem with your story is mainly your plot so as speaking. Although it contains erotica but i think that the situation are not realistic enough(i mentioned it again) This story is not just about sex is it? If not try writing some events that is related to the plot....
There were a few typos here and there but i'll excuse that since the mistake is not very significant. The problem with your story is mainly your plot so as speaking. Although it contains erotica but i think that the situation are not realistic enough(i mentioned it again) This story is not just about sex is it? If not try writing some events that is related to the plot....
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Damienthedevil wrote...
Your story is ok in general but there were no plot altogether.... No girl suddenly just wants to 'do' it.... I mean this is just so unrealistic....There were a few typos here and there but i'll excuse that since the mistake is not very significant. The problem with your story is mainly your plot so as speaking. Although it contains erotica but i think that the situation are not realistic enough(i mentioned it again) This story is not just about sex is it? If not try writing some events that is related to the plot....
What? No rating to give out today? :D
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Uzumaki101 wrote...
Damienthedevil wrote...
Your story is ok in general but there were no plot altogether.... No girl suddenly just wants to 'do' it.... I mean this is just so unrealistic....There were a few typos here and there but i'll excuse that since the mistake is not very significant. The problem with your story is mainly your plot so as speaking. Although it contains erotica but i think that the situation are not realistic enough(i mentioned it again) This story is not just about sex is it? If not try writing some events that is related to the plot....
What? No rating to give out today? :D
Lol.... it's not that i don't want to rate. I was in a hurry the other day maybe the next chapter :wink:
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Chapter 3: Punishment
The next day, Allen took Ringo and her little sister Misa to the mall for some shopping and guess who's carrying everything...you got it, Allen. It's bad enough that he's paying for everything, but does he have to carry everything, too, I mean really. He was mainly pissed off for most of the trip, except when they went to look and try out bras and panties, then he was embarrassed, but something Ringo did scared him. When another classmate, Mimi, went in she and Ringo dished it out about, well... they just don't like each. So after their little spat calling each other slut, whore, you know the usual, but after the fight Ringo slipped some panties within Mimi's purse. The moment she exited the store the buzzer went off and the mall cops got her. When they asked to look in the purse she wouldn't hand it over, so they took it from here and found heroine in it. So she didn't just get charged with shoplifting, but drug possession, too. Don't do the crime if your not willing to do the crime, even if you only did one. Allen just stood there as he saw Ringo just smile and tought, "Damn, guess I ain't the only one to suffer at the hands of Ringo."
After that, they take a quick bite to eat at the food court, then went home to where Shizuka was waiting for Ringo in the living room as she passed the time by tapping her fingers against the table to her right. Shizuka told Allen and Misa to go up stairs as she talks to Ringo, but that didn't keep the from heaing the conversation from up stairs, as they were yelling up. Shizuka was mad at Ringo for taking "IT." Ringo claims not to know what "IT" is, but Shizuka is punishing her till "IT" shows up and scolds her for evening touching "IT". Ringo tells her, "Not tonight, there's a Soul'd Out concert that Ando is taking me to. And I can't miss it for a crime I didn't even do or know about." "If you want to go then put "IT" back," replied Shizuka as she walks out. Misa asks me, "What do you think "IT" is, Allen?" "Don't know and don't care. I'm gonna keep out of this so it won't bit me in the ass," he replied. But speak of the devil, Ringo grabs his collar and drags Allen into her room, as he cries out that he doesn't want to get involved.
In Ringo's room Allen sits on her bed as he watches her pacing from one side of the room asking herself things like, "How did she know?", and, "Does she have so like trust for me?" She then tells Allen, "When I go to the concert, you need to distract that bitch. And by distract I'm mean sleep with her and don't give me that 'I can't do that' crap. You had sexual experiences with some of her daughters. Which reminds me, say no and I'll tell her about them and throw in a few more details if you say no." "Okay, fine, I get it, but I doubt she's gonna sleep with me or how this is even gonna work." he replied. To which Ringo replied, "Of course,this is gonna work as you two make love and cuddle and that sort of thing I'll be here and back. I'll be that last thing on her mind and she gonna sleep with you. It's been like forever since anyone has even touched her. Now do as I say and she'll be yours. At 7'o clock use the workout equipment and work out in the hall, ask her about your your inheritance when she passes by, say things like 'your beautiful', 'your a strong woman' and crap like that and even you can take it from there." Allen, having no other choice just nods his head and goes to his room.
On 5 minutes till 7'o, he gets out the equipment and works out in the middle out the hall. Right out no where Ringo rushes past him and Misa, who is going to get a snack, out the door to the concert as he thinks, "What have I got myself into? There's no way this'll work". A few minutes later Shizuka walks by and says, "Oh my, seems we have finally have another big strong man in the house." "yeah, well, I thought it was about time I worked out. By the way can we go to your room to talk about my inheritance", he asked. She says yes and they went to her room.
Shizuka took out Allen's inheritance documents and bought them on her table. "Your very beautiful", he commented. She blushed and said, "thank you." "And not just beautiful, but strong, too", he said blushing as well. Blushing at an even brighter red than before and whispers, "I'm not strong... If I was strong Minami would be able to keep a job and study more, Megumi would have loosened up a bit, Ringo would be more behaved, and Misa would be more grown up." "But you are strong, you can make perfect people, exceptionally when being a single mother raising four kids and working hard enough to afford a house like this in Tokyo," replied Allen. Shizuka begins to cry on his shoulder as she says, "Thank you, I've been working so hard trying to support this family, but nobody's said anything kind like that before, not so much as a thank you or good job." As he patted her head, he said, "Now now, stop crying, everything is gonna be all right."
Shizuka stood up and took down her panties as she said, "I've been waiting for so long. Don't make me wait anymore." She then starts taking of Allen Pants, all to see his huge cock stare at her right in her face. Allen just lays down on the bed as she goes on top, riding his cock like a cowgirl. He feels her drenching wet pussy wrapped around his cock. Her face is full of ecstasy as she moves her hips in circles and with each thrust they can feel the bed move. Seems like Ringo was right she hasn't had this in a very long time. She bends down to give him a very passionate kiss. All the while, Allen thinking, "Wow, that was easier than I thought. Did my words have this much of an impact on her? Ringo is something, I did exactly what she said and I'm right where she said i'd be."
This is the first time Allen has ever had real sex and he's lovin' it. When Shizuka isn't kissing him, she's making these loud, erotic, moans. Allen puts his hands on her tits to feel her soft silk like boobs. Shizuka asks him, "How do they feel?" "Like big marshmallows from heaven", he replied.They can feel each other getting all the more excited. But little to their knowledge Misa was watching.
Misa put her hand in her pants as she masturbated to Allen and her mother having sex through the crack in the door. Ringo sneaks up behind, startling her. Misa asks, "aren't you suppose to be at a concert?" Ring replies, "Oh yeah, the concert, didn't go. Anyway, do you want to have sex with Allen like mommy is?" "Uh huh, can you really make that happen?", Misa replied. "Of course I can, he belongs to me and soon everyone in the house will, too, including you", Ringo commented while taking a slightly spoked Misa back to her room. Meanwhile Allen and Shizuka have both came and have fallen asleep next.
The next morning Allen and Shizuka have both awaken naked to each other. Shizuka says, "That was fun, let's do it again sometime... but let's not tell anybody... expectually not the girls." Allen shakes his head yes and replies, "Yeah, I know. Now, let's get some breakfast." They both get dressed and head downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast, but on the way they see the workout equipment. Allen takes it and puts it in his room as Shizuka starts breakfast with two of her daughters. As they eat Shizuka is wondering what's taking Allen so long, Ringo volunteers to wake the 'sleepy heads'. Up stairs she walks into Minami's room and tells Minami, "get your no good lazy ass up and get some breakfast." Then she knocks and Allen's door and tells him and Misa to hurry up. Within Allen's room Misa is on all fours as Allen rams her from behind. Guess, Misa got what she wanted. Ringo comes down with Minami who is half asleep in her underwear. Ringo tells them they'll be down shortly.
=======
Sorry for the delay, I kinda forgot about. Tell me what you think.
The next day, Allen took Ringo and her little sister Misa to the mall for some shopping and guess who's carrying everything...you got it, Allen. It's bad enough that he's paying for everything, but does he have to carry everything, too, I mean really. He was mainly pissed off for most of the trip, except when they went to look and try out bras and panties, then he was embarrassed, but something Ringo did scared him. When another classmate, Mimi, went in she and Ringo dished it out about, well... they just don't like each. So after their little spat calling each other slut, whore, you know the usual, but after the fight Ringo slipped some panties within Mimi's purse. The moment she exited the store the buzzer went off and the mall cops got her. When they asked to look in the purse she wouldn't hand it over, so they took it from here and found heroine in it. So she didn't just get charged with shoplifting, but drug possession, too. Don't do the crime if your not willing to do the crime, even if you only did one. Allen just stood there as he saw Ringo just smile and tought, "Damn, guess I ain't the only one to suffer at the hands of Ringo."
After that, they take a quick bite to eat at the food court, then went home to where Shizuka was waiting for Ringo in the living room as she passed the time by tapping her fingers against the table to her right. Shizuka told Allen and Misa to go up stairs as she talks to Ringo, but that didn't keep the from heaing the conversation from up stairs, as they were yelling up. Shizuka was mad at Ringo for taking "IT." Ringo claims not to know what "IT" is, but Shizuka is punishing her till "IT" shows up and scolds her for evening touching "IT". Ringo tells her, "Not tonight, there's a Soul'd Out concert that Ando is taking me to. And I can't miss it for a crime I didn't even do or know about." "If you want to go then put "IT" back," replied Shizuka as she walks out. Misa asks me, "What do you think "IT" is, Allen?" "Don't know and don't care. I'm gonna keep out of this so it won't bit me in the ass," he replied. But speak of the devil, Ringo grabs his collar and drags Allen into her room, as he cries out that he doesn't want to get involved.
In Ringo's room Allen sits on her bed as he watches her pacing from one side of the room asking herself things like, "How did she know?", and, "Does she have so like trust for me?" She then tells Allen, "When I go to the concert, you need to distract that bitch. And by distract I'm mean sleep with her and don't give me that 'I can't do that' crap. You had sexual experiences with some of her daughters. Which reminds me, say no and I'll tell her about them and throw in a few more details if you say no." "Okay, fine, I get it, but I doubt she's gonna sleep with me or how this is even gonna work." he replied. To which Ringo replied, "Of course,this is gonna work as you two make love and cuddle and that sort of thing I'll be here and back. I'll be that last thing on her mind and she gonna sleep with you. It's been like forever since anyone has even touched her. Now do as I say and she'll be yours. At 7'o clock use the workout equipment and work out in the hall, ask her about your your inheritance when she passes by, say things like 'your beautiful', 'your a strong woman' and crap like that and even you can take it from there." Allen, having no other choice just nods his head and goes to his room.
On 5 minutes till 7'o, he gets out the equipment and works out in the middle out the hall. Right out no where Ringo rushes past him and Misa, who is going to get a snack, out the door to the concert as he thinks, "What have I got myself into? There's no way this'll work". A few minutes later Shizuka walks by and says, "Oh my, seems we have finally have another big strong man in the house." "yeah, well, I thought it was about time I worked out. By the way can we go to your room to talk about my inheritance", he asked. She says yes and they went to her room.
Shizuka took out Allen's inheritance documents and bought them on her table. "Your very beautiful", he commented. She blushed and said, "thank you." "And not just beautiful, but strong, too", he said blushing as well. Blushing at an even brighter red than before and whispers, "I'm not strong... If I was strong Minami would be able to keep a job and study more, Megumi would have loosened up a bit, Ringo would be more behaved, and Misa would be more grown up." "But you are strong, you can make perfect people, exceptionally when being a single mother raising four kids and working hard enough to afford a house like this in Tokyo," replied Allen. Shizuka begins to cry on his shoulder as she says, "Thank you, I've been working so hard trying to support this family, but nobody's said anything kind like that before, not so much as a thank you or good job." As he patted her head, he said, "Now now, stop crying, everything is gonna be all right."
Shizuka stood up and took down her panties as she said, "I've been waiting for so long. Don't make me wait anymore." She then starts taking of Allen Pants, all to see his huge cock stare at her right in her face. Allen just lays down on the bed as she goes on top, riding his cock like a cowgirl. He feels her drenching wet pussy wrapped around his cock. Her face is full of ecstasy as she moves her hips in circles and with each thrust they can feel the bed move. Seems like Ringo was right she hasn't had this in a very long time. She bends down to give him a very passionate kiss. All the while, Allen thinking, "Wow, that was easier than I thought. Did my words have this much of an impact on her? Ringo is something, I did exactly what she said and I'm right where she said i'd be."
This is the first time Allen has ever had real sex and he's lovin' it. When Shizuka isn't kissing him, she's making these loud, erotic, moans. Allen puts his hands on her tits to feel her soft silk like boobs. Shizuka asks him, "How do they feel?" "Like big marshmallows from heaven", he replied.They can feel each other getting all the more excited. But little to their knowledge Misa was watching.
Misa put her hand in her pants as she masturbated to Allen and her mother having sex through the crack in the door. Ringo sneaks up behind, startling her. Misa asks, "aren't you suppose to be at a concert?" Ring replies, "Oh yeah, the concert, didn't go. Anyway, do you want to have sex with Allen like mommy is?" "Uh huh, can you really make that happen?", Misa replied. "Of course I can, he belongs to me and soon everyone in the house will, too, including you", Ringo commented while taking a slightly spoked Misa back to her room. Meanwhile Allen and Shizuka have both came and have fallen asleep next.
The next morning Allen and Shizuka have both awaken naked to each other. Shizuka says, "That was fun, let's do it again sometime... but let's not tell anybody... expectually not the girls." Allen shakes his head yes and replies, "Yeah, I know. Now, let's get some breakfast." They both get dressed and head downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast, but on the way they see the workout equipment. Allen takes it and puts it in his room as Shizuka starts breakfast with two of her daughters. As they eat Shizuka is wondering what's taking Allen so long, Ringo volunteers to wake the 'sleepy heads'. Up stairs she walks into Minami's room and tells Minami, "get your no good lazy ass up and get some breakfast." Then she knocks and Allen's door and tells him and Misa to hurry up. Within Allen's room Misa is on all fours as Allen rams her from behind. Guess, Misa got what she wanted. Ringo comes down with Minami who is half asleep in her underwear. Ringo tells them they'll be down shortly.
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Sorry for the delay, I kinda forgot about. Tell me what you think.
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Spoiler:
Now if only Damien is here...
PS
The sex scene never got me turned on.... which is bad for a sex scene...
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Uzumaki101 wrote...
Spoiler:
Now if only Damien is here...
PS
The sex scene never got me turned on.... which is bad for a sex scene...
Lol...never fear, Damien is here!! was that lame?(yes it is....) anyway i agree with everything you said Uzumaki! the sex scene was horribly short and sloppily done. The story was not very creative, the supposed emotional scene was really lousy(in fact one of the worst i've scene in writing). The typo's were quite annoying by the way. Then i have to say that your characters were overly simple; as though you have not put any thought in them while writing this story. The plot was horribly simple and lousy. The way of writing was like an elementary school writing(exclude the sex). Heck, i've seen a better story written by my 5-year-old cousin.
To put it plain and simple, THIS STORY SUCKS!!! THE SEX SUCKS!!! try to think more about the audience when you write! you may be able to imagine the whole thing in your mind but the audience ain't freaking mind-readers!!
Rated 2.0/10.0
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Okay, that's it. You, Damien, deserve a +rep for being the harshest and brutal commentor I have ever seen.
Oh, and BTK69. What I and Damien just said is really true. But if you're just doing this for fun, then I guess I can understands you... but really, immediate sex after a not-so-dramatic scene can ruin the whole mood of the story. That's also applied to your two other chapters.
But that's if only you want to check if the other reader will enjoy it before posting it.
Well, hope that you'll rewrite and improve your stories. If you can fix this, it could turn into a very good read.
PS
There's an edit button on the top-right of your posts.
USE IT!!!
Oh, and BTK69. What I and Damien just said is really true. But if you're just doing this for fun, then I guess I can understands you... but really, immediate sex after a not-so-dramatic scene can ruin the whole mood of the story. That's also applied to your two other chapters.
Spoiler:
Well, hope that you'll rewrite and improve your stories. If you can fix this, it could turn into a very good read.
PS
There's an edit button on the top-right of your posts.
USE IT!!!
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Ouch, you guys are harsh, harsher than me in some respects, even if I agree with everything you guys have said. The plot line to me sounds straight out of a h-manga, which is OK since I'm not expecting a bestseller's hit, but even so, a picture is worth a hundred words, and certain things that need to be written and described in detail have not been really addressed in your writing. I'd give this a 5.5/10. I don't think this story is THAT bad like the other two make it out to be. It just needs some more detail in said criticized compartments.
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BTK69 wrote...
Fuck youU-huh. See? This is why I hate to produce truthful yet harsh reviews on Fictions. Whenever the Writers get pissed off with a review, they either reply Fuck You most of the time or they PM Fuck You straight towards your Inbox. Most nice guys just improve on their writing or even give out a comment that gives useful information as to why the story turned out the way it is. But noooo, you just had to say it, didn't ya?
Spoiler:
Still, even if you Fuck Me (which, btw, is really inappropriate and totally disgusting since were both guys), that still doesn't change the fact that your story needs to be torn and remodeled.
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BTK69 wrote...
Fuck yououch. o:
dude, so uncalled for. no need for profanity
all you have to do is edit + structurize your story and to add a bit more details.
So far, i had seen no plot. its just random sex scenes that cant turn people on
USE YOUR IMAGINATION!~~ :3
i will not rate, since i am a really bad commentator xD