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Revelation
Defender of DFC
I write things
This is a poem I wrote during a fit of boredom the other day, feel free to critique in any way you see fit:
This is a poem I wrote during a fit of boredom the other day, feel free to critique in any way you see fit:
Spoiler:
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Xenon
FAKKU Writer
I like the tempo and direction. The subject matter is nice. You should definitely make more.
However, you should stay consistent. If you're capitalizing every first word of a new line, the third line should be capitalized to 'When.' If it's not a new sentence, then that leads to confusion because you aren't using punctuation. That's the unfortunate difficulty when it comes to poetry.
Best of luck producing more material.
However, you should stay consistent. If you're capitalizing every first word of a new line, the third line should be capitalized to 'When.' If it's not a new sentence, then that leads to confusion because you aren't using punctuation. That's the unfortunate difficulty when it comes to poetry.
Best of luck producing more material.
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leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Revelation wrote...
Do you guys like this? Should I make more?By all means. I am not good at reading poetry unless they are written by William McGonagall so I will split hairs and ask what it means. Do you mind explaining what the poem is about?
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Revelation
Defender of DFC
leonard267 wrote...
Revelation wrote...
Do you guys like this? Should I make more?By all means. I am not good at reading poetry unless they are written by William McGonagall so I will split hairs and ask what it means. Do you mind explaining what the poem is about?
Basically, it's about someone who is asleep and is being woken up but they don't want to leave the comfort of their bed. May or may not be about most of my weekends :/
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leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Revelation wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
Revelation wrote...
Do you guys like this? Should I make more?By all means. I am not good at reading poetry unless they are written by William McGonagall so I will split hairs and ask what it means. Do you mind explaining what the poem is about?
Basically, it's about someone who is asleep and is being woken up but they don't want to leave the comfort of their bed. May or may not be about most of my weekends :/
Incredibly interesting how you associate freedom with sleep. Have you heard of William McGonagall, I find him inspirational.
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Xenon
FAKKU Writer
leonard267 wrote...
Have you heard of William McGonagall, I find him inspirational.Only you would find the acclaimed worst poet in British history inspirational, leonard. You are the living epitome of satire, and it is hilarious.
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Revelation
Defender of DFC
leonard267 wrote...
Revelation wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
Revelation wrote...
Do you guys like this? Should I make more?By all means. I am not good at reading poetry unless they are written by William McGonagall so I will split hairs and ask what it means. Do you mind explaining what the poem is about?
Basically, it's about someone who is asleep and is being woken up but they don't want to leave the comfort of their bed. May or may not be about most of my weekends :/
Incredibly interesting how you associate freedom with sleep. Have you heard of William McGonagall, I find him inspirational.
Never heard of him, sorry and I looked at the wiki page. Pretty mediocre.
On another note, I got another one for you
The trees rustling,
blown by the wind.
The force that blows
can feel serene,
but also destructive.
Can be cold or warm.
To the trees, just a tool
used to carry their seeds.
So I watch the rustling tree
as the window stares back at me.
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I actually really enjoyed it. It's subtle and doesn't give too much away, I hate poems that are over-simplified.
Furthermore your use of imagery is excellent. Well-written! :)
Furthermore your use of imagery is excellent. Well-written! :)
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Revelation
Defender of DFC
mdarkanima wrote...
I actually really enjoyed it. It's subtle and doesn't give too much away, I hate poems that are over-simplified.Furthermore your use of imagery is excellent. Well-written! :)
Thanks, I really appreciate it!
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leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Revelation wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
Revelation wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
Revelation wrote...
Do you guys like this? Should I make more?By all means. I am not good at reading poetry unless they are written by William McGonagall so I will split hairs and ask what it means. Do you mind explaining what the poem is about?
Basically, it's about someone who is asleep and is being woken up but they don't want to leave the comfort of their bed. May or may not be about most of my weekends :/
Incredibly interesting how you associate freedom with sleep. Have you heard of William McGonagall, I find him inspirational.
Never heard of him, sorry and I looked at the wiki page. Pretty mediocre.
On another note, I got another one for you
The trees rustling,
blown by the wind.
The force that blows
can feel serene,
but also destructive.
Can be cold or warm.
To the trees, just a tool
used to carry their seeds.
So I watch the rustling tree
as the window stares back at me.
No, no. He is one of the best poets around! You will have to read the poem out loud! They are not just mediocre, they are wonderfully horrible! And very easy to understand because they repeat the bloody point again, again and again.
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leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Revelation wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
Revelation wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
Revelation wrote...
Do you guys like this? Should I make more?By all means. I am not good at reading poetry unless they are written by William McGonagall so I will split hairs and ask what it means. Do you mind explaining what the poem is about?
Basically, it's about someone who is asleep and is being woken up but they don't want to leave the comfort of their bed. May or may not be about most of my weekends :/
Incredibly interesting how you associate freedom with sleep. Have you heard of William McGonagall, I find him inspirational.
Never heard of him, sorry and I looked at the wiki page. Pretty mediocre.
On another note, I got another one for you
The trees rustling,
blown by the wind.
The force that blows
can feel serene,
but also destructive.
Can be cold or warm.
To the trees, just a tool
used to carry their seeds.
So I watch the rustling tree
as the window stares back at me.
Ah... Easier to understand. That felt like Lord Tennyson's poems. I still love McGonagall's though.
He is one of the best poets around! I have never laughed so hard reading a poem! You will have to read the poem out loud! They are not just mediocre, they are wonderfully horrible! And very easy to understand because they repeat the bloody point again, again and again. Not to mention the constant references to Dundee.
A Tribute to Dr. Murison
Success to the good and skilful Dr Murison,
For golden opinions he has won
From his patients one and all,
And from myself, McGonagall.
He is very skilful and void of pride;
He was so to me when at my bedside,
When I turned badly on the 25th of July,
And was ill with inflammation, and like to die.
He told me at once what was ailing me;
He said I had been writing too much poetry,
And from writing poetry I would have to refrain,
Because I was suffering from inflammation on the brain.
And he has been very good to me in my distress,
Good people of Dundee, I honestly confess,
And to all his patients as well as me
Within the Royal city of Dundee.
He is worthy of the public's support,
And to his shop they should resort
To get his advice one and all;
Believe me on him ye ought to call.
He is very affable in temper and a skilful man,
And to cure all his patients he tries all he can;
And I wish him success for many a long day,
For he has saved me from dying, I venture to say;
The kind treatment I received surpasses all
Is the honest confession of McGonagall.
William Topaz McGonagall
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Nice ^_^ I enjoyed reading them all. Though that last one made me think about the Olympics xD Only the golds get to hear their national anthems. Which made me think, if silver and bronze anthems played too... people would be there for so long.
Rambling thoughts... Your poems were awesome and thought provoking
Rambling thoughts... Your poems were awesome and thought provoking
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Revelation
Defender of DFC
AliceSinWonderland wrote...
Nice ^_^ I enjoyed reading them all. Though that last one made me think about the Olympics xD Only the golds get to hear their national anthems. Which made me think, if silver and bronze anthems played too... people would be there for so long. Rambling thoughts... Your poems were awesome and thought provoking
Did not realize that. I actually intended it to be about the American please of allegiance. Because we are required to stand and pledge our obedience to our country.
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Revelation wrote...
AliceSinWonderland wrote...
Nice ^_^ I enjoyed reading them all. Though that last one made me think about the Olympics xD Only the golds get to hear their national anthems. Which made me think, if silver and bronze anthems played too... people would be there for so long. Rambling thoughts... Your poems were awesome and thought provoking
Did not realize that. I actually intended it to be about the American please of allegiance. Because we are required to stand and pledge our obedience to our country.
Yeah but doesn't that foster nationalism? o.o Loyalty for the country? Has nice words though. Like no matter who you are or how you define yourself, you have friends, family, neighbors, strangers but all tied together.
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Revelation
Defender of DFC
I never realized how dark I was... Anyway, here's a little something I cooked up during boredom:
Spoiler:
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Tsamari
C.E.O of Pancakes
[color=#ff69b4]I only read Haikus but they are still poetry.
Show here one.
Please don't look at me.
I am ashamed of myself.
Retreat in to my shell.
Show here one.
Please don't look at me.
I am ashamed of myself.
Retreat in to my shell.
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Revelation
Defender of DFC
Haiku time! (More coming soon)
Who are you really?
Some synthetic outer shell?
Show me what's within.
The fantasizer
The one that can only dream
No reality
I feel alive now
When I'm here with you alone
Let me drown in you
When will the time see
That as long as you're with me
We can both be free
I have these hours
And nobody knows the pain
That I am feeling
My dreams are empty
Containing this vengeful void
This punishing void
Who are you really?
Some synthetic outer shell?
Show me what's within.
The fantasizer
The one that can only dream
No reality
I feel alive now
When I'm here with you alone
Let me drown in you
When will the time see
That as long as you're with me
We can both be free
I have these hours
And nobody knows the pain
That I am feeling
My dreams are empty
Containing this vengeful void
This punishing void
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Revelation
Defender of DFC
Why must this world be so cold?
This world that war exists in, none can live in peace.
War always has existed, and it always will.
It makes this world so cold. Almost uninhabitable.
This world where people die every day.
This world where falsely accused are put to death.
Why do we let these things happen?
Is it because we enjoy the pain we make others feel?
This sadist world we live in...
When will the world learn that we must stop the fighting?
With all these things happening how can we have a peaceful nation?
I don't know, I just waiting for the revelation.
This world that war exists in, none can live in peace.
War always has existed, and it always will.
It makes this world so cold. Almost uninhabitable.
This world where people die every day.
This world where falsely accused are put to death.
Why do we let these things happen?
Is it because we enjoy the pain we make others feel?
This sadist world we live in...
When will the world learn that we must stop the fighting?
With all these things happening how can we have a peaceful nation?
I don't know, I just waiting for the revelation.